Really am on the brink now

[confuzzlement]

I don't know who else to unleash my woes on to. I don't how to help myself anymore and I certainly don't know why I ever entered the perils of motherhood.

I am most certainly NOT a natural mother. I hate weekends. I sit in with my DS all week and then all weekend. I try and communicate with other people, I text, I fb, I call, I make an effort and still we get invited no where, no parties, no outings and it's killing me. I've lost all energy, drive and motivation to interact with my child and I let him just get on with it now. Drawing on everything, sat watching tv all day, runs lose all round the house. I've just lost it. Completely. It's gone.

No is a word that just goes over the top of his head. If I say no it's his opening to continue being naughty. I get hit. I get screamed at. I have to put up with the tantrums on a daily basis. Going out gets me so anxious as the tantrums and excrutiatingly embarrassing. In town, the park, baby group (we go once a week for 3 hours).

I just don't know what else to do to help myself.

I try colouring, stickers, painting, baking, walks, park and nothing seems to please this child.

I am alone. I have no friends even though I try to make friends and maintain any weak friendships that I may have.

Ive thought about suicide. Ive had a plan before. Ive phoned the Samaritans numerous times.

How do you do it? How to put on the happy face people want to see when you're dying inside? I'm a single stay at home mum, Ive relocated following relationship break down and have, as a consequence, lost everything. My home, my friends, my career and all my confidence.

I long to go to the cinema. For a drink. For dinner. To a friends for a movie. But no one calls, no one texts. I've not had a text message for 3 days now even though I have sent them to people and I've just had no response. I even speak to people on FB and they just talk around me as though I'm not there. Why am I so invisible in this life? Why do I have to be this person who everyone just bypasses?

I'm such a crap Mum too. I look at my DS and think what sort of life am I giving him? He has no friends. He doesn't do anything. It's just me, him and the dog. What a sad pathetic existance. I don't know why I ever thought I would be cut out for this. I am such a pathetic excuse for a parent. God help DS and the next 16 years of his life.

Well done for going to playgroup, the more regularly you go the easier it will get for both of you.

With regards to the Drs, you seem quite set on the decision not to take ADs which is your decision but there might be other strategies that they can advise. Counselling, getting your HV to visit and find ways to support you. It isn't just about getting medicated but about support.

As for the jobs, have you thought about college? You could retrain and often there are grants to help with childcare.

Best of luck xx

Hi Confuzz I'd try the playgroup again - Ds probably just needs time to get used to it and settle down there. If you have a surestart centre, the staff there are normally really good at offering holistic support, not just for DS.

Why not ask the dr for counselling or cbt. There are quite a few alternatives to medication. They might be able to refer you to a homeopath to get St Jogn's Wort etc supervised.

I think you need to face up to the fact that leaving the status quo intact is not an option. You are miserable at the least. You need some change, so don't stop until you achieve it. You sound bright and articulate, I'm sure you can get some movement somewhere in your life if you just take that first step and ask for some help.

Do come back nd let us know how you are getting on. x

Any news Confuzz? How are you this week?

Hi all,

I'm ok thanks. Ive been to the docs and Im back on anti-d's despite my effort to stay off them. The doc scored me as severe depression, which is the worst it has ever been, and has referred me to counselling. I have spoke to ex and asked him to back off giving me such a hard time now as I can't cope with it all.

My doc was very nice, very understanding and has made me realise that I have been through the mill in the past few years and I need time to adjust and get used to things as they are. In time I will get a job, I will have my own house and I will find someone to share my life with, but for now I need to be grateful and content that I have a lovely child who brings me so much joy. I even look at him differently now and the gushings of love have been ten to the dozen just this week.

I think offloading on the doc and hearing that I have had it rough and how much of a hard time I give myself was the wake up call I needed. I'm most definately not through the worst of it, but at least I know and have accepted I'm in a rut and things won't always be like this :)

Thanks again for all your comments.

Hello confuzz

Just read your thread, how are you feeling?