Single parents all tarred with the same brush ?

[roseyposeysmum]

Met a very nice lady yesturday with an awful lot to say about single parents.

I work in a pub at the weekends and she came in while my dd was being picked up by her dad to do the swap over, she launched into a rant about single parents being lazy not working, they should stay together for the sake of the kids etc.

As she drew breath i very sweetly informed her that actually she had caught me on a day where i was working my 2nd job to make up the 60 hours plus i work a week to keep my dd with a roof over her head, and in clothes etc. And that when i wasn't at work i was looking after my dd because her dad can't be bothered. This equals 7 days a week of work plus a 3 year old.

But it made me wonder why we get this stick ? I work damn hard to make sure dd does not go without yet still get eyes rolled at me etc when i say i am a single parent. In my eyes i do double the work :)

I then told her i loved being a single parent as the relationship i have with my dd is a very close one and she is a real mummy's girl because i put in a lot of hard work and effort.

She still rolled her eyes though.

Anybody else come across this ?

We get stick because some people are bigotted morons. I know an adult who is very damaged as the result of his parents staying together no matter what.

Adamschic, I read it and didn't see that at all. There was no assumption in TG's article that women would RATHER be alone, nor that they are actively seeking somebody. Just acknowledgement that some women are single for whatever reason. She didn't go into whether they want /don't want relationships.

no, I agree with Bandwithering that I didn't get that from it either, adamschic. It's just a statement of how things are.

the bit about Cameron being sent to boarding school at 7 is striking though:

'Cameron is all Teflon and pouting now, but he was once a child who was sent to boarding school at seven. What did this do to his capacity for empathy? I asked a shrink about it once, and she said it would make you hyper-functional, but emotionally closed. That should have stayed his tragedy, but he went into politics and made it ours.'

I wonder if his kids will be sent off at 7 too

It was just a couple of things that I felt slightly uneasy about, the Germaine Greer quote and mentioning 'serving a man'.

But it is an good article, I agree.

Yes being sent by your parents to boarding school at aged 7 must have an impact on shaping a child, chilling isn't it? It's just what they do the upper classes.

I think she just touched on feminism there with her mention of germaine greer., and it was imo appropriate, and true. This ideal DC has of all two-parent families together, that was only the norm when women couldn't leave, either financially, or because of stigma. So it was not some Halcyon Time as DC seems to think. It was a fantasy built on women's suffering and silence. Tanya Gold was absolutely right to mention it. Because it highlights how DC doesn't CARE about women's suffering. He would prefer the brittle fantasy as she puts it.

Greer: "The illusion of stable family life was built on the silence of suffering women, who lived on what their husbands thought fit to give them, did menial work for a pittance ? and endured abuse silently because of their children."

I thought the Germaine Greer quote was completely appropriate in the context of the article. I'm old enough to remember when it was commonplace for couples to stay together even though their relationship had broken down irretrievably and when women were more or less dependent on men to support them. The only single women around were 'unmarried mothers' who were talked about in shocked whispers. I remember Chiswick Womens Aid being founded by Erin Pizzey at a time when women escaping violent relationships literally had nowhere to go... My mother was unusual in our very working class area of London in that she worked in an office - most of our neighbours' husbands 'didn't let' their wives work, or did indeed do 'menial work for a pittance.'

I think Greer is spot on actually.

This discussion is very interesting. I read that grauniad article yesterday and wasn't entirely sure how I felt about it.

Why, Grockle? What was it that bothered you about it?

thats awful OP i dont know how you managed not to completely lose your rag at her, judgemental bitch

i was once a single parent and i too came across loads of these types of attitudes, i remember once telling someone (who knew i was a single mum) that i had "a" levels and was about to start a nursing degree and their face was exactly like this ---->

Absolutely woolly, and it's important that we don't allow politicians such as DC to look back on this era with rose-tinted spectacles.

Interestingly, some of the strangest comments I've had to my face (plenty of stuff said on mn of course!) was from friends of mums. Some very kind and supportive as they knowa woman who had bee miserable for decades, and yet, some other comments.... not so 'kind' but I get it because these women who sacrificed decades of their life for their children don't know how to feel when they see their daughter's friends and friends' daughters leaving men who don't treat them well. It must mock their sacrifices (in their eyes)

I linked that article in another thread because I had not seen this thread. It sums it all up for me

I'm really sick of the targetting of the female parent. Why don't we look at the absent male parents. I don't mean men who still act in their children's lives, still pay child maintenance. I mean the men who were abusive so that the marriage folded, the men who fail to pay maintenance to support their children and the men who fail to maintain contact with children.

It's very interesting that despite the evidence that 'The average age of the single mother is 37, and the majority (55%) had their children within marriage', the myth of the 'typical' single mum persists (teen mum getting pregnant to get council house... yawn)

I, too, have been told countless times 'Oh, I don't mean people like you... you're different.' No I'm not. According to those stats, I'm pretty bloody average (well I'm a bit older than that now!)

I'm sick of reading bad press about single parents. I only know one single mum who doesn't work (for good reason). Most of my single parent friends get no financial support from their childrens' fathers, juggle jobs, childcare, housekeeping, etc., typically on a tight budget. They have polite, well-behaved children who are doing well at school. What is pissing me off at the moment is that I've been on a wage freeze for four years but have just managed to negotiate additional hours to my contract (an extra 8 hours a week) and every penny that I gain will be taken away in lost tax credits/higher travel expenses. I'm keeping a long term view (more money in the pension pot, showing a good example to DD, etc.) but it is really galling that in trying to provide a better life for us I find myself doing more work for nothing.

The number of unemployed women continues to rise, but meanwhile we are told to get off our lazy arses and get working.

Sorry, I've gone off at a bit of a ranty tangent!

and DC would like to see us fitting in some voluntary work.

Quite.

I am the child of a single parent who worked very hard but had a period of illness so we had to live on benefits for a while. Because I am very well educated and have a good job, people sometimes say things about "single parents on benefits" in front of me. And it makes me furious because I am proud of my background. My mum struggled through divorce, my stepdad's death and overcame sickness to help me and my brother grow up to become thoughtful, empathetic members of society who don't have sweeping prejudices against people. I think I am proof that it is more important to love your kids than anything else. My mum always loved me enough for 50 parents - we are still a team even now.

So when ignorant people take aim at single parents, I always pipe right up to say I'm the product of a 'broken home' and damn proud of it.

I'm not a single parent myself but knowing the hard work of parenting and working WITH a partner, I'm in awe of those who manage by themselves. And I'm sure a lot of children will grow up feeling as proud as I do of them for it.

was watching 'something for the weekend' this morning and one of the blokes on there was really annoying, basically that single mothers are to blame for the breakdown in society and that everyone should be more judgemental of us!!!

Its such a load of rubbish and makes me feel really angry. I think sometimes couples feel threatened by single mums who raise children and work and OMG don't need a man!!!

When I found myself pregnant and on my own it feels like there is a lot of people in society who would rather I had an abortion than bring a child into the world - its crazy!!! I am a good mum, my dd is happy, beautiful and brings so much joy to everyone who knows her.

I have a friend and, when I first met her, she was married to a very hard working guy in the forces, own home, middle class parents etc etc, and she was a stay at home mum, 3 dcs, a member of the pta, and also ran an after school club too, she absolutley prided herself on being the typical wifey/mumsy. This last year however her husband left her for another woman, with the house and 3dcs and 2 dogs etc etc, and she lost it completley bless her, she was suddenly husbandless with 3 kids who lost respect for her and her home, had to work, so then had to give up pta, and the afterschool club, and no longer had time to bake cakes and take the kids to the park etc, etc. It has been an absolute struggle for her, being a long term single parent I tried to advise her as best I could, and the amount of times shes said I don't know how you manage and still smile being on your own,and I generally say but I'm not on my own I have my kids. She is managing a bit better now and learning how to re-organise her time. Having single parent friends, and married friends, and being in the same sort of situation myself, I find it horrendous that DC can penalise single parents for being single and adjusting to the single life in this drastic manner, I dont see him penalising the parent that left their spouse and children in the first place.

I also think that if DC continues to blame us single parents for his parliamentry bollox, and his fuck ups in this country, we should all pick a day in the next summer holidays say august the 15th, plenty of time to book it off work, save for train tickets, etc, and all travel down with our children and silently protest outside number ten. Well as silently as our kids allow. and just prove that we are willing to stand up for ourselves and we shouldn't be blamed for the rest of the countries problems. I also think that he may be shocked about how many of the great British workforce have took that particular day off work, to stand outside No 10 for a few hours.

Single parents do a brilliant job against all the odds and lots of successful people were brought up in single parent families eg Barak Obama, Maya Angelou, Jodie Foster, Roald Dahl, Nicolas Sarkozy, John Lennon

70% of children of separated parents grow up in much the same way as 85% of children from intact families who have good long term outcomes. The absence of a parent isn't a major factor in poor outcomes - poverty, the distress of the parent of care and multiple changes in the family structure are. The Centre for Social Justice headed by Ian Duncan Smith said something similar in the small print.

Stats show that parents in inner city areas in London, Birmingham , Glasgow etc are more likely to single. In these areas multiple changes of family structure is more prevalent, poverty is more prevalent and there are more emotional and behavioural problems across the board. That skews the national figures.

Grr.. must refrain from posting at 2am. I forgot conflict between parents which along with poverty is the major reason for children's poor long term conflict

If you ever come across this prejudice again stop them and ask:

Sorry; are you talking about the parent who stayed or the one who walked off?

Works for me.

If you ever come across this prejudice again stop them and ask:

Sorry; are you talking about the parent who stayed or the one who walked off?

Works for me.