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Single parents all tarred with the same brush ?

82 replies

roseyposeysmum · 15/08/2011 10:08

Met a very nice lady yesturday with an awful lot to say about single parents.

I work in a pub at the weekends and she came in while my dd was being picked up by her dad to do the swap over, she launched into a rant about single parents being lazy not working, they should stay together for the sake of the kids etc.

As she drew breath i very sweetly informed her that actually she had caught me on a day where i was working my 2nd job to make up the 60 hours plus i work a week to keep my dd with a roof over her head, and in clothes etc. And that when i wasn't at work i was looking after my dd because her dad can't be bothered. This equals 7 days a week of work plus a 3 year old.

But it made me wonder why we get this stick ? I work damn hard to make sure dd does not go without yet still get eyes rolled at me etc when i say i am a single parent. In my eyes i do double the work :)

I then told her i loved being a single parent as the relationship i have with my dd is a very close one and she is a real mummy's girl because i put in a lot of hard work and effort.

She still rolled her eyes though.

Anybody else come across this ?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Kewcumber · 16/08/2011 13:10

My favorite response is that hundreds of thousands of childrne grew up in single parent families during the war and many permanently afterwards and it didn;t seem to cause a major problme therefore the problems should be laid at the door of society generally.

Grockle · 16/08/2011 13:28

I get it every now and then. But sort of the other way... I'm a teacher and when other teachers find out I'm a lone parent they always seem very surprised. When parents from DS's school find out, they say things like, 'Oh, but you're a teacher' Hmm and most people in general say 'But you're doing so well' and even 'Well, you;re different to most single parents, aren't you?' Shock

What, because I have a profession and work hard? Or because we have a relatively nice home, grow our own veg and have chickens? Or because DS is fairly polite? Or because we didn't go rioting? That was on Panorama last night - admittedly, I didn't see the whole thing because the few seconds I did watch was blaming the riots on the large number on single parents Hmm

Grockle · 16/08/2011 13:31

And I tend to feel quite cross when people seem surprised that a) I am happy and b) that DS is a fairly balanced, settled, happy little boy. As if that is unlikely to happen with a single mother. As if I am doing someone amazing. I just do what every other single parent does. I work hard to put a roof over our heads. Yeah, it's hard but so is life.

Bandwithering · 16/08/2011 13:56

Absolutely Kewcumber. Almost all of the problems are problems related to poverty. What DC should be trying to make sure is that single mothers aren't penalised. (eg, the thing with CA for example, bloody disgrace).

Grockle, yeah, there is that 'surprise' when people find out I'm single parent. But very few people say oh, but you speak well, you look normal, you have no obvious FLAW that would make you deserve to be a single parent. The odd person will basically articulate that in some thinly veiled way though.

swallowedAfly · 16/08/2011 14:00

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adamschic · 16/08/2011 14:15

I've brought DD up another exception, hey there might be a few about if they decide to scratch the surface Grin.

MeMySonAndI · 18/08/2011 01:57

Found this in the website of Gingerbread and thought of adding it here:

Myths and labels abound about single parents, here are the facts:

Single parent families are an ordinary part of family life

Nearly a quarter (23 per cent) of households with dependent children are single parent families, (1) and there are 1.9 million single parents in Britain today. (2)
There are 3 million children living in a single parent household (24 per cent of all dependent children). (3)
Single parents are predominantly women, although 8 per cent of single parents are fathers. (4)
Single fathers are more likely to be widowed than single mothers (12 per cent of single fathers are widowed, compared with 5 per cent of single mothers), and their children tend to be older. (5)
Ninety per cent of single parents are White, 5 per cent are Black, 2 per cent are Asian and 3 per cent fall into other categories. (6)

The proportion of single parent families has increased since the 1970s, but it hasn?t changed much in the last ten years

In 1971 just 8 per cent of families with children were single parent families.
In 1998 24 per cent of families with children were were single parent families.
In 2007 23 per cent of families with children were single parent families.(7)
Very few single parents are ?unmarried teenagers?

Just 2 per cent of single parents are teenagers. (8)
The median age for a single parent is 36.9
The majority of single parents had their children within marriage ? 55 per cent are separated from marriage, divorced or widowed.(10) Only 6 per cent of all births are registered alone, and 9 per cent are registered to two parents who live apart. (11)
The proportion of single parents who have never been married (though most of them will have cohabited with a partner) has remained stable for the last ten years.(12)

Single parent families are more likely to be affected by poverty

Half (50 per cent) of children in single parent families are poor, compared to 25 per cent of children in couple families.(13)
Only two-fifths of single parents receive maintenance from their child?s other parent.(14)
Paid work is not a guaranteed route out of poverty for single parents; the poverty rate for single parent families where the parent works part time is 29 per cent, and 21 per cent where the parent works full time. (15)
The median weekly income for working single parent families is £404.52, compared with £618.44 for couple families with one worker. (16)
Single parents work

The latest employment figures show that 56.7 per cent of lone parents are in work, up 12 percentage points since 1997. In the same period, the employment rate of mothers in couples has risen three percentage points to 71 per cent. (17)
The employment rate for single parents varies depending on the age of their youngest child. Once children are 12 or over, single parents? employment rate is similar to, or higher than, the employment rate for mothers in couples (71 per cent of single parents whose child is 12-15 are in work).(18)
Where single parents are not working, this is often because there are health issues that make work difficult: 36 per cent of unemployed single parents have a disability or longstanding illness and 30 per cent have a child with a disability. (19)

gingerbread.org.uk/content.aspx?CategoryID=365

Snorbs · 18/08/2011 07:47

Those are very powerful statistics. Thanks for posting them.

Bandwithering · 18/08/2011 19:34

Wow, despite ALL the obstacles 57% of single parents still manage to work.

They/We do not deserve to be demonised. I think somebody should make DC familiarise himself with these stats.

SuePurblybilt · 18/08/2011 19:41

I get this too. Lots of 'oh but we don't mean you' because I talk a bit posh and horsy Hmm. Because I have a teaching job and my HA house is in a posh village and looks terribly Naice, I somehow don't count as a LP.
I have argued that in fact I am part of the majority of working, normal LPs and that the stereotype of teenage mums is the minority but it doesn't sink in...

Bandwithering · 18/08/2011 19:52

Yes, it's so illogical to hate single mothers who are more OBVIOUSLY disadvantaged (because of their accent/appearance or whatever). It's like saying well I like to know what yall look like so I can discriminate against you whilst simultaneously judge you for not overcoming your disadvantages.

spongefingeranyone · 18/08/2011 22:45

Well I'm proud to be a single parent. I'm intelligent, decent, work full time and am very happily single. I'm going to raise my 15mo DS to be a decent hard working intelligent and kind man. It's a task I will do better and enjoy more without the input of his fuckwit father, who is no role model for anyone. Being a single mother was my choice and I for one won't be blaming a government for my situation.

Bandwithering · 18/08/2011 22:52

What do you mean? You're proud to be a single mother so you 'for one' won't be blaming the government?!

I don't blame the government for my being single. But I do blame them for some of their tax breaks which are biased towards 2 income families, and the child benefit policy which allows a married earning woman not to have her children's allowance affected but a single woman's would be!!

I blame the government for confusing issues of poverty with issues around being a single parent. I blame the government for demonising single parents every opportunity they get.

MeMySonAndI · 18/08/2011 23:27

" Being a single mother was my choice and I for one won't be blaming a government for my situation."

Sponge, I found that as offensive as any other idiotic comments I have heard about single parents, it makes it even worse that has been uttered by a single parent.

Perhaps you would like to take a look at the statistics below, so you for once are able to see how far removed from reality your idea of what a single parents is?

startAfire · 20/08/2011 06:18

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niceguy2 · 20/08/2011 10:28

I admit I'm a natural Tory voter but one of the areas this government clearly doesn't understand is the world of a single parent. And I'm actually jealous of GalaxyAddict and wish I had the opportunity to speak directly with Cameron to make him understand.

I remember in my younger days where I used to also believe single mum's were just people who were too selfish, didn't compromise enough and put their kids first. Until one day I found myself a single dad with 2 young kids to raise. Meeting other single parents made me realise that not one of us wanted to be in our situation.

What I do blame the previous government for was creating a benefits system which is/was bizarre in the fact it traps many single parents into a lifetime of being alone. I know two single mum's now who have boyfriends whom they can never live with because the drop in tax credits & benefits would mean they're financially much worse off. When my partner moved in with me, financially we were much worse off too but luckily my finances could take the hit. Many others aren't as lucky.

How can that be right? A tax/benefits system which encourages single parents whilst vilifying them for society's woes.

startAfire · 20/08/2011 13:25

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startAfire · 20/08/2011 13:26

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adamschic · 20/08/2011 14:13

The problem about moving a partner in and being financially worse off is often to do with men seeing single mums as prey for an easy ride. They persuade the mum to keep claiming as a single parent and claim to be helping them out. This leaves the single parent living a life looking over her shoulder as she will be the one penalised and/or prosecuted.

The correct way to go about it is for the new partner to pull their weight with the bills and help so that the mum can go out to work, provided she can. Problem sorted.

Niceguy, from your other posts made on here I am very surprised you were financially penalised for having a partner move in.

MeMySonAndI · 20/08/2011 20:23

I don't see many men seeing single mums as a prey for an easy ride. I think is the other way around, they see the single mum as someone that represents an extra financial burden.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 20/08/2011 20:37

I dislike the assumption that every child of a single parent only has the one parent. My ex and I no longer live together or share a life, but we parent together as much as we can. His input is there, he supports the kids as much as he can and he is there for them when they call. I know it's not seen as the norm, but surely I'm not the only parent out there with an ex who does give a monkeys?

Ponders · 20/08/2011 20:42

\link{http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/aug/19/single-mothers-uk-riots-tanya-gold\this Graun piece is excellent} on the prejudice Hmm

'Never mind that the only single mother Hastings is on record as meeting is Princess Diana ? although, to be fair, he didn't like her, either.'

'The single mother is no more work-shy than any other mother: 57% of single parents work, an increase of 12 percentage points since 1997, which explodes the rightwing lie that New Labour did nothing but harm. As soon as their children reach the age of 12, this figure rises to 71%, which is the also the national average for mothers in relationships. These are the facts. They read nothing like the righteous narrative. But the scapegoat has been chosen, and she will bleed.'

adamschic · 20/08/2011 20:50

MemysonandI, I was addressing Niceguy's point. I think there is an element of couples pretending they don't live together so as to aleviate a financial burden on the man, in certain circles. Particularly if the man is a low earner and couldn't support his new partners family even if he wanted to.

adamschic · 20/08/2011 20:55

Ponders, I read your link earlier today and it's a very good article. The only critisism I have of it is that it has an undertone that many single mums don't want a partner and see men as oppressing, when in reality most single people do want to find the right partner, but would rather not be forced to find one for financial reasons of needing to feed their children.

So I suppose I agree in some way with nice guy that most single parents would prefer not to be alone.

Bandwithering · 20/08/2011 20:57

Excellent article Thank YOU Tanya GOLD.

Galaxy, when you see david cameron can you leave him a copy of that article because she says it all, and says it well.

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