Anyone feel stigmatised about being a SAH single mother?

[hammerhead]

Just wondering if anyone else feels stigmatised about being a SAH mum on income support? DS is preschool and a lot of people seem surprised I don't have a job. I get the impression they think I'm on jobseekers and actively avoiding employent. I'll be quite happy to work when DS is in school but want to stay at home when he is still little. I worked before DS was born and have paid a lot of tax over the years, but some people still make out like I'm a scrounging chancer.

Thanks Jellybeans, I was at the shrink this morning!! (FREE counselling on the hse I might add, because I was in an abusive relationship) and she said to me, I need to understand where all these negative voices are coming from. She said I am so sensitive to being judged. All true. I should stop looking at these threads, because it's such a horrible eye-opener. IN real life, people seem supportive and wouldn't trade lives wth me (although if they know me and like me they don't 'pity' me either... but I shouldn't push my nose in the vomit by reading these threads! It upsets me knowing that there are such nasty people out there. I feel like life should be a bit easier as it is. I think that's why I get so outraged when people think of ways that life could be harder!! I guess these are the tough years. Don't want to sound suicidal or anything, far from it! things are getting easier every year.

Moonferret-I believe that single mums should stay at home and look after their child(ren)! I also believe that the taxpayer and father(s) should contribute where necessary. This still isnt going to pay my rent and any other bills I have? Also I was brought up to believe that if you have children and can work to provide for them then you should?

choccy the government sold it to us as "not a benefit" so they didn't have to class everyone on TC as "on benefits" but when people are receiving way more in TC than they pay in tax, i personally can't think of what else it could be classed as.
when I claimed TC as a single working mum, I claimed about £680 a month I think. Where as I paid about £366 in tax.
I relied on the money, but I hadn't earned it... so that is a "benefit"

'but I shouldn't push my nose in the vomit by reading these threads! It upsets me knowing that there are such nasty people out there. I feel like life should be a bit easier as it is.' Bandwithering I agree with you. I haven't been through what you have but have been through a terrible situation and at first I had to avoid other people's ignorant views on that subject and i was supersensitive. But after a good while, I was able to dismiss them as ignorant when I was stronger. Now any comments about that subject don't bother me at all. Hopefully that will be the same for you when you feel stronger. I hope we get a decent government in soon, too, who don't make life harder for lone parents.

I also think alot of people can be super critical on forums when in real life they would probably be nothing like that to your face in real life. no excuse, though, if they are nasty.

berkshirefem
'I claimed TC as a single working mum, I claimed about £680 a month I think. Where as I paid about £366 in tax.
I relied on the money, but I hadn't earned it... so that is a "benefit"'

but looking at it another way, if you were paid enough in the first place you wouldn't need top ups at all. Who sets the value of wages anyway. Look at what footballers get. And before anyone says they make alot of money for clubs etc and the wages are determined by the market, what about when the minimum wage was brought in? It can be changed. A liveable wage should be paid to all those in work and of course benefits to those who can't (and I include lone parents with young children). We should be going after the tax avoiders. I know quite a few self employed people who fiddle their figures and hardly pay anything.

Yes, yes Jelly all that's true but we're talking about parents who choose not to enter paid employment and live off of the state instead. Not footballers. I loathe footballers earnings, also people who fiddle tax, also spending taxes on giant structures in town centres... in fact I can't be bothered to list all of the things I hate about the tax system. I also think minimum wage should be increased.

The problem isn't a solvable one. Of course there are people who cant work who also have young children. They need to be supported by taxes, who would disagree with that? So the system needs to be there.

But, in order for that to work without people resenting it, everyone who can work who has young children, needs to try to.

They don't, so sadly everyone is lumped in to the same category. Everytime a working single mum hears of so and so who doesn't work and lives off of benefits because they'd rather pick their children up from school themselves and spend the summer holidays with them, a little bit of annoyance rises up... times that by hundreds and thousands and you've got a whole group of people resenting the other.

It's not rocket science.

victim mentality? shit happens, some people manage to get on with it, ohers use it as an excuse to sit at home feeling entitled. nothing worth doing is easy

spot on berk, i work for not alot more than would get on benefits but i can so i do, annoying when i see people who dont work driving around and going on holiday abroad and because they are single mothers we all get tarred with the same brush even tho i work and doing a degree. cant bear sob stories about its too hard or ive had a bad time

I don;t swallow the argument that benefits for single mothers aren't all that either.

I've been around forums long enough to see posts where single mother son benefits are asking which I Phone they should have or which Sky package to upgrade too. Oh, and telling of their recent holidays.

Benefits in general should be absolute basic - no Sky, no I Phones and certainly no holidays.

I find it a moral obscenity when those who don;t work have a better lifestyle than those that do, an absolute obscenity.

wallis- you mean single SAH mothers right? this is what im talking about tarred with the same brush, i work and cant afford these things so i see why people choose not to work, the more i earn the more i pay in rent and child care so dont get any better off. it is obscene. and so frustrating.

This is a support thread. All the lone parents who were on here have moved on. If you wish to continue your 'debate' why not start a thread on AIBU or chat perhaps.

Some very meanminded people on this thread. Children from single parent families need the security of a SAHM perhaps more than kids from 2 parent families. Very very few women would 'choose' to raise a child alone and on income support. It's almost always a situation that happens via life's curve balls. Still, let's just beat up on the single mums eh? V. pious and narrowminded.

I have just ploughed my way through this thread and am utterly shocked by some people'e opinions.

There are people who have posted on this thread who have been through crap in their lives and have explained how tight their budgets are even when they have gone back to work and still they are given a hard time.

No-one has posted and said that they want to stay on benefits indefinitely. Many people have posted that it wouldn't currently pay for them to work and still they are told they should work.

Many (not all) mums who claim they have to work could actually afford to be SAHMs if they had taken out smaller mortgages or made different lifestyle choices.

I am very lucky in that I have a reasonably well paid job that I am able to do part time and my parents are able to help out with some of the childcare. But there is absolutely no way I could physically cope with bringing up 2 small children children and working full time so I am very grateful for my tax credits to top up my income.

There are benefits scroungers out there - I have come across them. But not all of them are single mothers and they are very much in the minority in society and single mothers who are looking after young children are not benefits scroungers.

The children are the most important ones here. Young children need the security of an attachment figure - this is even more important if one parent has left. I think it is very sad that some parents don't think that being able to collect their own children from the school gates is important etc.

This is a lone parents forum. If you haven't been there you can't possibly know what it is like. None of us chose to be in this position or ever imagined we would be.

I can guarantee you that I don't have an iphone. have had the same phone for 3 years. it's very basic. I don't have sky. I don't watch tv though so I don't care. I don't have a car either.

MadMomma & MrsColour, your comments appreciated. I do have to believe that most decent sane people with a tiny bit of empathy get it.

I would hate to be so judgemental!

Well I can see that whilst are many are prepared to pontficate and British the lives of others, no one was prepared to answer the question as to why paid work to do other peoples childcare is better and a more effective use of resources.

This has truly been one of the most upsetting threads I have seen in a while. As a single working mother, I am going to add a few points because many if you clearly don't have a fucking clue about what it is like to be a single mum...

1. I don't want people forced into doing other peoples domestic work or some warehouse equivalent, simply so they can say they pay tax...as if raising children has Ni value in its own right (when in fact a conservative estimate would put the annual value of that at too roughlythe equivalent if £30k)

1. Part time /school friendly hours are very difficult to find, including unqualified work...which may be shift work, but is generally very inflexible. So pre/post childcare has to be found...those about to quote breakfast/post school clubs. If they are anything like my DS school, the latter does not exist and breakfast club hard to get in. So another cost/logistical nightmare. In fact managing work and schools crazy short hours is harder to manage than when they are at nursery.

1. I actually do not want precious good childminder/nursery spots taken up by forcing everyone into work...making it harder for me as a paid working mother to secure good places.

The serious lack of empathy and understandung about the challenges single mothers face on this thread is pretty shocking.

British = criticise...autocorrect error

If you are a lp and working full-time you probably need to leave for work by around 8am and return around 6pm 48 weeks a year. If your DCs are under 10 and go to bed say by 8pm that leaves 2 hours to cook tea, homework, bath, story etc. Even if you leave bath, story etc most weekdays it's still a real push.
Plus you miss all school events - plays etc, never get to see teachers and have little time to talk to your DCs.
School 'holidays' are NOT holidays for your DCs - still up and out at 8 and collected at 6pm, and left in not always high standard care in between.
Weekends are mostly about washing, cleaning and shopping for following week.
And quite often you - the unavailable, stressed and knackered full-time working lp mum are the ONLY parent thay've effectively got.

Now tell me where that scenario is better for children than a stay at home mum?
Plus, how heroic has mum and kids got to be to keep going without serious problems developing that will cost taxpayers far more in long run than supporting families for the relatively short years of childhood?

fantastic post pickgo.

Yeah it is pickgo. Thanks.

Partly because of this thread I think, I was having a chat on sunday with my ONLY other friend who is also a lone parent. I was asking her about afterschool clubs and if they pick up her child from the school and how much that costs and a few other questions like that.

she has a well paid job, and she only has one child, and her child's father runs her car and pays half the after school club costs, and she was saying she still finds things tight, and tough. Obviously she'd never give up a good job! she likes it, and she has got a nice place, car, career, her son is a gorgeous boy and he's happy. BUT she's worn to a thread from all the zipping about and early starts and late finishes..... needing to be two places at once.

I am sometimes a bit paranoid and worry that everybody's judging me, but I knew she wasn't judging me, and she is actually in a position to be ABLE to judge, as she lives near me, knows the job market, the prices of rents, childcare,,,, what it's really like to do it on your own.

The only person I know who made it work had loads of family help - and also one child.
But it's hardly the easy option being SAH anyway is it? You still need the financial planning expertise of a Chancellor to be able to make ends meet and it's bloody hard work doing it all single-handed anyway. But at least you know the sacrifices you are making to stay at home will ensure your DC get a decent start in life and you are fulfilling the most important responsibility of being a parent. Plenty of time to pay taxes later!

Statistically, children of single mothers on benefits actually have the worst start in life.

Wallis do you have a link to these statistics? If so please post it, I'd like to have a look. Ta.

Hell yeah, we all know why there such s**t parents because their spending so much time on their iPhone4s and eating out at Claridge's all the bloody time.

NASTY THREAD

pickgo I totally get that you're standing up for OP in response to some of the meaner comments on here but do you realise how offensive you are being to those of us who have offered our opinions in a considerate way but who are working mums? You are no better than those who are picking on SAHMs with your nasty and ill informed rant.

For your information, I haven't missed any of my child's school events as I flex my hours so I can make up for what I miss whilst she's in bed asleep, 2 of my collegaues do the same. I drop her in to school 2 days a week and see her teachers plenty (a lot of the parent's drop off at the school gate so don't see the teachers anyway, whether theyre SAHM or WOHMS) My DD is very excited about her school holidays - a complete break from the routine of school and the taxing lessons. She has various activities planned including 2 weeks with me, 2 weeks with her dad, 1 week with her nana and 1 week with her extremely high quality childminder (outstanding ofsted registered and old family friend)
My weekends are nothing about washing and cleaning, I do my washing of an evening when my DD is in bed, and I have a cleaner for two hours a week to do the main clean.
I am entirely available to my child and whilst I am often tired... what mum isn't! SAHMing is extremely tiring. It's not like being sat in an office all day is any more taxing on your energy reserves is it?! It just takes a little more organisation but I eat healthily and have positive relationships with all sorts of friends, family and collegues - I am in no way frazzled.

So basically, you seem to have no idea of what it is like for every WOHM. Maybe you've seen a couple of examples that fit with your tiny, narrow minded opinion but frankly, I don't know any mother who lives as you describe below.