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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

what is "normal" amount of access for exh to have?

49 replies

humptydidit · 02/05/2011 13:36

My exh is moving back into the area where I live and is talking about access to our kids.

Just wondering what is the normal standard amount of access he would be given if we went to court based on him living in the next town to us?

He seems to think ikids should go to him Friday night till sunday night and spend all the time with him "bonding". I don't think this is right, I think they should be spending time with their friends/doing activities etc not sitting in his house with him.

Any experiences please?

OP posts:

whiteandnerdy · 02/05/2011 14:10

Start with what your children would like and extrapolate from there, rather than what people will tell you is the 'standard' or 'expected' time your children should be spending with each parent.

mamas12 · 02/05/2011 14:13

It's the dcs relationship to their father that is the important thing here.
They have a life he needs to fit in with that, he can 'bond' with by taking them to their various activities and watch them and get to know them then.

He is being totally unrealistic and the dcs won't like it at all.

Gster · 02/05/2011 14:32

I don't think there is a 'standard' as such as each situation is different.

That said, when I split with my XP I proposed to her that I have our DD2 alternate w/e Friday to Sunday, an evening in the week ( at XP's ) and half the holidays.

My solicitor said I was 'bang on the money' and from what I've researched that is a fairly common agreement. Even where distances are involved.

A court will decide what is best for the children first and foremost, and having a Dad in their lives is very important in terms of the children's feelings of self worth.

Persoanlly I suggested alternate w/e as I didn't want my XP to only have the weekdays. Would have loved every w/e but I felt it wasn't fair to XP.

Gster · 02/05/2011 14:33

( should have said 'having a Dad AND A MUM is very important...)

onadifferentplanettoday · 02/05/2011 14:40

How old are your children ?

cestlavielife · 02/05/2011 15:08

when did he last ahve contact?
how old are the children?
what do they think?
is he familair to them or a stranger?

follyfoot · 02/05/2011 15:14

My lawyer advised that the 'normal' amount of access is every other weekend, one evening during the week and part of the school holidays. Of course though, it all depends on what the children want, their age and their relationship with him plus any other relevant circumstances.

ChocHobNob · 02/05/2011 15:18

Not to mention the fact that lots of parents have to work part or sometimes all of the weekends, so an every other weekend scenario may not work.

It needs to be sorted out taking into account everyone's circumstances.

Original poster

humptydidit · 02/05/2011 16:02

Thanks all. kids are 6, 5, 1.

they have only seen him 3 times since xmas for a few hours at a time.

they are reluctant to see him and ds flat out refuses to speak to his dad on the phone.

so far he has used kids as a weapon and bargaining tool and seems more interested in annoying me than anything.

i am finding it v hard to keep it together... he was abusive and violent to me. i felt safe when he was far away but not anymore.

am terrified of going to court and having it all taken out of my hands...so hard

OP posts:

Georgimama · 02/05/2011 16:23

If you have any fears as to violence/abuse then unsupervised contact should not be the starting point anyway. Why are they reluctant to see him?

follyfoot · 02/05/2011 16:35

If violence/abuse was involved, that may be a whole different scenario, starting with short spells of supervised access only. Or maybe even none.

Eglu · 02/05/2011 16:39

Firstly since he has hardly seen them recently then contact will need to be built up.

Every weekend is unrealistic as when do you have quality time with the ones at school?

mamas12 · 02/05/2011 17:24

I repeat he is being unreasonable, any judge/court would adopt a slow approach for the children to get used to him.
I suggest you write down what you think would be a good schedule, e.g. 2 hours first couple of Saturdays. then three and so on until the dcs are used to him and then gradually they will feel confident enough to stay with him.
But it is all down to his behaviour too, any violence nullifies any agreement because no one not you or the dcs need to put up with that.

mamas12 · 02/05/2011 17:27

My ex wanted three weekends out of four. He ended up up having them for two weekends in a row and then me and two at his etc. Not ideal for shopping trips for shoes etc. but hey ho.
It's more lax now as they are older and for the first time in five years I haven't had a year planner from him with every date marked.

you need weekend time too, and they have a life that he needs to support i.e. their activities

pickyourbrain · 02/05/2011 18:26

There's no way he should have them every weekend! When would they 'bond' with you?!

ALso, being a parent isnt about having your children around you investing all their energy in to making you feel like a worthy person... It does involve taking them to meet their friends, birthday parties, shopping for boring and not so boring things for them.

I think a 'normal' amount is every other weekend and a day in the week. That seems the norm in my circle. However, if both parents live close together there is no reason why a 50/50 couldnt work. EG we have my step daughter 7 days out of 14 (3 one week, 4 the next)

My dd is with me 10 days out of 30 but her dad was offerd 50/50.

I can't understand why when your ex sounds like such a mean bastard (hence the DV) he is so keen to have his kids so much... seems to me a way of controlling you more than anything...

Original poster

humptydidit · 02/05/2011 18:27

I don't know exactly why they are reluctant to see him, it is difficult for me to ask them without putting words in their mouths.

Each time he has seen them, as soon as they are dropped off they rush back inside without a second glance, some might say that is normal but when they go out with my mum or dad or sister they go all silly and say they don't want them to go home.

Then for the next week at least dd and ds1 are both up every night saying they have bad dreams and wanting to sleep with me... after about 10 days I have managed to get them back in their own beds at night.

I don't know exactly goes on when they are with him but one time ds1 came back v upset saying daddy told him off, then exh had a go at me telling me I was not disciplingin them enough (ds1 (age 5) got cross when they turned his programme of the tv and was sulking, basically trying it on)

Another time dd (age 6) came back saying she wants to grow her hair loing because daddy says it doesn't look nice how it is now... she chose her own hair style and was delighted with it but now cries at the mention of the hairdresser cos daddy says she has to grow it long again.

Oh I don't know maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill... I just think of all the reasons that I left him, a very big reason was that I wanted them to have a "normal" life where they spent time with friends, went out places, were relaxed in their own home etc etc etc... ExH's idea of a weekend is to sit indoors with the sport on tv with the curtains closed eating junk food. He has never shown any interest in the kids or played with them or listened to them reading their books or drawn pictures or made lego models with them. Maybe lots of people don't do that with their kids, but mostly he ignored them or got annoyed with them. The day I left him, he told of ds1 for arguing with dd and picked him off the ground and shook him and threw him on the bed...

I don't know what to do about it. I am terrified that because it is all little things the court will over rule it by saying "kids need their dads". They are right, but not this twunt!!!

OP posts:

follyfoot · 02/05/2011 18:30

Woah. 'Picked him off the ground and threw him on the bed'.

That makes unsupervised access a whole different scenario. As in none. Supervised only, formally arranged. For your DCs benefit.

Original poster

humptydidit · 02/05/2011 18:38

that's what i mean follyfoot I am terrified that he is going to be at my door causing a nusciance...

How do I arrange it? I spoke to my solicitor and he seems keen to give him "the benefit of the doubt".. ie, wait till there's a problem before we try to solve it.

While he was at the other end of the country it was easier because I put my foot down and said no overnight in a hotel etc etc, but this changes everything, cos he seems to think that if he's nearby his rights change and he can have them 50/50.

OP posts:

GrownUpNow · 02/05/2011 18:43

Heya, my exp has DS from Friday after school until Sunday night every other week, then one overnight during the week weekly. He does half the school holidays too. Seemed to be the fairest way to do things, we both get equal weekend and holiday time, plus he's taking responsibility for one school night/day.

follyfoot · 02/05/2011 18:52

Well, having left a - very - violent XH, the way I dealt with it was through the courts. I found a solicitor whose advice I trusted absolutely and let her guide me through some horrible times. If your ex has been violent and abusive, and your solicitor thinks you should give him the benefit of the doubt, I'd be inclined to think about finding a solicitor whose views might be more in tune with my own tbh.

The system has probably changed since my XH and I went to court over access, but perhaps a good starting point would be to decide what, if any, access you feel comfortable with in terms of your children's safety. Then put that forward as a starting point. In view of your past, definitely best done through solicitors and not through conversations with your XH.

Original poster

humptydidit · 02/05/2011 18:55

follyfoot I just got off the phone to my mum, she says the same as you, we find a good solicitor and get it sorted. The one I have now is doing my divorce and is the only one I could find locally to get legal aid, but my mum says this is too important and she will pay for it if that;s what it takes to get this stuff sorted.
thanks for listeningg

OP posts:

mamas12 · 02/05/2011 18:56

Second getting a new solicitor, really, benefit of the doubt, really. So he/she doesn't believe you.

follyfoot · 02/05/2011 19:03

Aw thats lovely of your Mum. My solicitor wasnt cheap, but her wise counsel, support and brilliant sense of humour through some dark times was worth 10 times what I paid. Having someone so strongly on your side was fantastic. I had to change solicitors too - the first one I had was crap!

Really hope you find someone who suits your needs much better and you can find a way of sorting this that feels right for you

Oh and if the ex starts turning up and being difficult, that can be dealt with legally too if needed, dont forget.

Original poster

humptydidit · 02/05/2011 19:04

mama solicitor seems quite competent but is a young bloke who doesn't really seem to get where I am coming from.
Quite happy for him to do the divorce, but not this

OP posts:

SimpleSingleDad · 02/05/2011 20:20

this could be interesting for you to think about types of contact you could offer as an interim measure for that twunt to show he's serious about rebuilding a relationship with his kids.

If the indirect contact stuff goes well, then you could consider proceeding to direct (but most definitely supported) contact.

I'd suggest it would be no bad thing for you to offer indirect contact - it shows good willing on your part, and it gives him an opportunity to screw it all up.

I know that second part comes at the expense of your dc's (as in I know from personal experience), but look at it as evidence gathering for the court case, as let's face it, he'll likely as not screw up sooner or later. Better it's soon enough to be presented to court.

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