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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

what is "normal" amount of access for exh to have?

49 replies

humptydidit · 02/05/2011 13:36

My exh is moving back into the area where I live and is talking about access to our kids.

Just wondering what is the normal standard amount of access he would be given if we went to court based on him living in the next town to us?

He seems to think ikids should go to him Friday night till sunday night and spend all the time with him "bonding". I don't think this is right, I think they should be spending time with their friends/doing activities etc not sitting in his house with him.

Any experiences please?

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 02/05/2011 20:57

"shook him and threw him on the bed..."

make sure solicitor knows this.

offer supervised contact at a contact centre as best for all concerned espec the children and gives your ex chance to prove himself

this is liely to be two hours a fortnight - maybe weekly depending on availability at contact centre - which would provide much more gradual build up of contact

Georgimama · 02/05/2011 20:59

If the children are fearful of him you want CAFCASS involved, fullscale section 7 report, parenting awareness course (you'd have to go on it too - not saying you need it but if you are prepared to do it he has no justification for refusing), phone contact only to start with, then supervised, and frequent reviews. The courts do want to ensure children maintain a relationship with NR parent but only if it is the children's best interest.

cestlavielife · 02/05/2011 21:05

if you can get your solicitor to make the point there was DV and that you have conerns about child welfare ie shaking DS and throwing him on bed - then contact centre is way to go -the one i took my DC to was nice, pleasant room and DC felt ok going there knowing there was adult there supervising. i didnt have to have contact with ex at all there. there is push to move on from contact centre to supervised by other third party - but at leat that would give you some breathing space androom for the DC too to get used to seeing him again but in a controlled environment. he wont be able to turn on his TV and ignore them in a contact centre!

contact naccc at link above and call local centres to you and visit them -this shows you willing to build contact that way

cestlavielife · 02/05/2011 21:07

so in answer to your quesiton - "normal" incase of DV etc is contact centre and gradual build up eg two hors of supervised contact a fortnight to start -vthen build up more - you not going to make leap to the typical one weekend a fortnight etc

Original poster

humptydidit · 02/05/2011 23:31

thanks everyone for advice and link.

Just a thought, will it go against me organising the contact centre if he has seen them, for all that it was only 3 times, unsupervised? I always said no overnight etc for the time being, but he did take them out for the day without me....

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Original poster

humptydidit · 02/05/2011 23:40

sorry to be pita, but do you organise contact centre yourself of go thru solicitor? Had a look at the website and see there is one in my town which would be good, but it's not clear on the website how you organise it.

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cestlavielife · 02/05/2011 23:48

you can say that the chldren showed signs of upset after seeing him eg bedtime issues - so say that because of that, and your concerns about thechildrens well being, you now want to go down contact centre and supervised route.

call the contact centre - some accept self referral. some charge.

if you concerned about contact and the centre will only take court referral then cut contact and take it to court . is process already underway as part of divorce anyway?

he seems to be wanting to push the contact at a pace that wont suit the children from what you say.

but yes if you taking this step then from now on offer only supervised contact eg with a relative or say he has to wait for contact centre to be set up. have your solicitor record what you said about the childrens well being after visits that have taken place and why you concerned.

you need ot eb showing court you are willing for contact but because of the conerns you ask it be supervised for now and very gradually built up.

if he is reasonable and accepts responsibility for his violent behaviour he will understand the need for gradual build up of contact - if he wont then he wont and you have to be tough and stick to what you think is right for the children.

cestlavielife · 02/05/2011 23:51

because of the issues, it is likely CAFCASS will get involved and they will talk to your DC as well as with you - so you could point out the issues eg being told off, the hairdresser etc .

Original poster

humptydidit · 02/05/2011 23:54

thanks cestlavie

It really helps to walk thru it with somebody who knows what they are talking about!! Will speak to my solicitor in the morning and will ring the contact centre and take it from there.

It is all so stressful, yesterday exh was in Scotland and refusing to contemplate being closer and then in the space of 24 hours he is AWOL and nobody knows where he is saying he has packed in job and house etc and is in the car with his last months pay packet moving near to me... I don't honestly have a clue what is going on. I spoke to him earlier and said that he cannot see the kids or speak to them until he has got some things sorted. I don't trust him not to confuse them, they will be confused enough when they find out he has moved without him telling them anything different in the meantime... Does that make sense? I want it to be a done deal no half way measures and present it to them as the new arrangement rather than daddy's staying with nanny while he gets sorted.

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cestlavielife · 02/05/2011 23:55

when did you split? presumably he had a fair few number of years to "bond" with the older two - so the fact they reluctant to see him must indicate tehy witnesed or heard some of the abuse etc

Original poster

humptydidit · 02/05/2011 23:56

cestlavie is the hairdreser etc relevant? I think so because it upset dd but in the grand scale of things is it really? Or is it dcs being upset that makes it relevant iyswim?

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Bonsoir · 02/05/2011 23:57

It wouldn't be normal for your exH to have the children every weekend - every other weekend would be much more common. And your exH should indeed be taking your children to all their normal activities, playdates, parties and having their friends over to his house.

cestlavielife · 02/05/2011 23:58

also start keeping all communication by email - as you can then record what is said.

keep yours to the point and factual. the less you speak by phone the better....

Original poster

humptydidit · 02/05/2011 23:59

split at Christmas, older 2 have told me they heard arguments and witnessed his behaviour although not violence in front of them... He is the classic dominator guy and began to "play" them as well as me, which is what finally pushed me to leave.

I never realised how much they did actually notice, I thought I protected them,....

But they are well aware of his putting me down all the time, him sulking, arguing, etc and he ignored them and would deny them affection etc unless it was on his terms.

God it's all such a mess

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cestlavielife · 03/05/2011 00:00

my exP believed that there was no reason for my DC to have playdates as "they see their friends at school". it was very difficult to organize them whilst together....

when we left him - one of the main things i have tried to do is make sure playdates are fuly on the agenda...

what a parent or ex-partner/spouse should do and what they will do may fall short of the reality

toody · 03/05/2011 00:06

I am so glad you have received such positive advise on here when I was asking about resticting contact for xp (he like yours had no interest in ds didn't want him in same room, rarely spoke to him, was controlling,) I was ripped to pieces on here for wanting to restrict access. Hope all the advise helps stay strong.

cestlavielife · 03/05/2011 00:07

as is recent you do have chance to start as you mean to go on - make sure contact is safe and is in DC best interest.

keep communication with him to minimum and make it all by email and business like. factual and to the point.

you've tried contact 3 x and you not happy with how it went and impact on the DC - take that as a lesson and say - no more. contact centre/supervised and if he unhappy you will discuss it in court and get profressionals involved ie CAFCASS.

he will try to manipulate espec if sees that you are the one now taking control....

maybe he stayed away thinking you would beg him back - who knows - but as that didnt work he is now moving back close anyway to try and regain control...via the DC. who knows .

if you not seeing a counsellor then do so - a "breakup" separation/divorce counsellor or workshop is really useful - try something like www.drw.org.uk/ - or call womens aid as speaking to solicitor costs more money and solicitor cant always help with devising strategies to deaal with latest madcap scheme from the ex...

Maelstrom · 03/05/2011 00:08

Stress the point of the Domestic Violence, and find another solicitor, the one you currently have, won't fight your corner as you need to. The benefit of doubt? my arse.

Original poster

humptydidit · 03/05/2011 00:15

cestlavie getting support thru womens aid and family support worker and health visitor... also starting freedom programme next week... can't wait!

Have kept all emails. Will not phone at all and meanwhile sort out contact.

toody am sorry about you getting ripped to shreds! Did you get it sorted in the end? It

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toody · 03/05/2011 00:37

I do restrict access, most of the time it is ok he doesn't want him anymore often but then suddenly he demands to see him more tells me it is his right to have him more will mention court. It is hard not to be intimidated but it is a little easier since I saw solicitor who said I was within my rights to say what access should be and if he wanted more it was up to him to get solicitor and go to court luckily for me he is mean with money so don't think he would do this. I would increase access when ds is older and says he wants to go more and is able to tell me what happens when he's there. At the moment ds who is 27mths tells me daddy cross his way of saying he's been told off/shouted at xp always denies it, buthe has a temper ,will text asking if ds has said anything about the time they spend together (rarely does apart from the cross coment) xp always says good if I say ds not spoken about their time guilty conscience? XP still makes veild threats occassionally but don't know if outsiders would consider them threats. I live in hope he either moves away with his job or just gets bored.

Original poster

humptydidit · 03/05/2011 07:44

toody I'm with you in this.

My exh would make loads of threats that he never actually followed up on, so you are right, it probably is all empty threats.
Going to solicitor this morning to find out what is going on and where I stand, then will speak to the contact centres and get that organised...

Maybe exh realises that I am frightened of court and that's why he keeps on about it...

Lets hope to god he finds somebody else and leaves me alone sometime v soon

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cestlavielife · 03/05/2011 13:32

dont be frightened of court - i found it very reassuirng and a secure place to put concerns. also getting CAFCASS involved was positive for me and the DC. even tho one judge hadnt read all papers and seemed to be of the "all exes are just bitter" variety. rememebr that you avhe othing tof ear/hide other than teh truth - but your ex has much more to fear from court....

mamas12 · 03/05/2011 23:35

If you think your solicitor is not the right one, i.e. not specialist family law sol then change him, you can't mess about with this.
Good luck witht he freedom prog. etc!

freedomatacost · 04/05/2011 20:55

Not sure if the law is the same in the UK as here in Australia but here the Courts try very hard to give equal access. I have just spent a fortune with a so so result.
I would be getting as much legal info free that is available. Look up yourself about similar cases. Is there a free legal advice centre or resolution advisor for general information. If u r really worried then get the best lawyer u can afford but know what u r getting into and be aware that it will not be cheap!
All the best I feel for u!

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