Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Ex says he has an 'appointment' on the Saturday Evening and wants to re-arrange his contact weekend [hmm]

44 replies

evolucy7 · 31/03/2011 20:30

Just like to know what people think, my ex says he has an 'appointment on 14 May in the evening' [his usual contact weekend and so wants to have an alternative weekend for contact with the girls.

Now I personally would never expect him to change his weekend so I could go out, which is what I assume this is about. 14 May happens to be the Cup Final. If it was anything to do with working he would say.

Part of me thinks that just be reasonable and say yes fine. However, this is a father who has in the past not been prepared to change his contact for the children to be able to attend parties or activities, but wants it changing for him to go to the pub to watch the Cup Final?! Hmm

Any thoughts please Smile

OP posts:
Latemates · 31/03/2011 20:38

Generally I think contact arrangements should stand as agreed. On the other handhehas given you good notice.
Could you ask for clarification on what the appointment is? Howmuchcontactdoes he have normally?if it is something other than the pub which he can't change.... Have you the flexibility around those weekends to change.

Personally I like structure and planning so changes to contact are not what like but I guess the question is if he can't have them that weekend and you can't swap is it the girls who miss out or him?

balia · 31/03/2011 20:45

Would be a no-brainer for me, too. So long as he isn't asking to swap constantly, or letting the girls down, and so long as it fits in with your plans, why not? There's only one cup final a year? (Total football cluelessness emoticon) Pick your battles.

Original poster
evolucy7 · 31/03/2011 20:48

Yes that's the key I guess they miss out not seeing him if I say no.

He has every other weekend he did originally have a midweek tea which he stopped some time ago.

I don't think he would tell me if I asked what the appointment was.

What really bugs me is that he is so adamant that the court order must be followed exactly to the letter, we were actually in the family court yesterday, his instigation, and he told my solicitor (he was unrepresented) that the court order currently said he had 2 hours on the girls' birthday so would not accept even 10 minutes less, or have an hour before an activity they attend and hour after, it had to be in 1 block of exactly 2 hours, and he wanted the court order to be very clear about the exact arrangements. And yet he wants the alternate weekend pattern, set out in the court order, changing for him.

OP posts:
Satireisbest · 31/03/2011 20:54

Why did he have to have it in a court order that he can see his daughters for two hours on their birthdays?

We're very flexible with our children and as they've got older they can pretty much do what they want.

Original poster
evolucy7 · 31/03/2011 21:01

Because that is what he wanted, he wanted everything in a court order.

For example he wanted a summer holiday specified from the 1 Saturday in August to the Sunday 8 days later, but last year the first year it applied he said he couldn't do a holiday Hmm

OP posts:
lookingfoxy · 31/03/2011 22:25

Its really up to you.
If you agree to it, I would gently point out that although you don't mind, you would appreciate a bit of flexibility back when the need arises.

Original poster
evolucy7 · 01/04/2011 21:59

Has anyone else any thoughts please?

It just seems that I constantly always try to make the effort to be reasonable in the hope that one day he will too, but then he just does something else unreasonable anyway, so makes me wonder what the point is.

OP posts:
balia · 01/04/2011 22:07

Just step back a bit? It's not unreasonable to ask to change a contact weekend giving weeks and weeks of notice. It's not unreasonable to want to have your children on their birthdays for 2 hours, surely? In fact quite the reverse - I'd imagine special days should really be alternate, like Christmas - so only two hours seems a bit mean TBH.

The point is that you are facilitating and encouraging the children to have the best relationship they can with the other parent. That is a good thing, you should be proud of yourself and not let little daft stuff get to you.

Original poster
evolucy7 · 01/04/2011 22:17

He wanted a court order that say he has the children for 2 hours after school on their birthdays, why is that mean? There are only about 4 hours from after school to bedtime anyway. I didn't say it was unreasonable.

We have a very detailed court order, that he wanted, he has never been represented and my solicitor said that if he had they would have told him this was getting silly, and yes christmas is split straight down the middle, but the point is he wanted a very specific court order, with every detail clearly written, but then wants to change it because it suddenly suits him. Hmm

OP posts:
Satireisbest · 01/04/2011 22:20

I've read a few of your threads and it comes across as pretty hostile still from both sides, I hope time mellows everyone out.

It did with our separation

Original poster
evolucy7 · 01/04/2011 22:25

Yes it is and I can't see how it will change. My solicitor constantly has to point out to him that it is about the children and not him. He even gets told by the Judge in court that it is about the children's rights not his rights.

Can I ask how long you have you been separated?

OP posts:
Satireisbest · 01/04/2011 22:33

Five years.

But our split was different, there were no solicitors or courts involved.
We do shared care, there was animosity at the start for a while but it's gone now.

One DC had to have an op recently we all went together, it can get easier.

Original poster
evolucy7 · 01/04/2011 22:38

That's really nice Smile unfortunately I just can't see it being like for us.

The thing is he walked out and contacted a solicitor the next day, (who he then dropped pretty quickly, and she was a working friend of my solicitor, I know the feeling was that he did not like the advice he was given) that was 3 years ago. He really does just go on and on and on, he even tells me that my solicitor is full of shit, and wrote to her firm, where she is now a partner to complain about her Hmm.

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 01/04/2011 22:42

What a complete knob he sounds - no wonder you dumped him.
Because this is really all about him jerking you around and making you obey, not about the DC's wellbeing at all.
What you could do (unless it's really inconvenient for you) is write him a letter and CC it to both your solicitor and his, along the lines of 'Contact on the weekend of May 14th to be varied at [XP's] request, so hope that this will not count as a breach of any court order as it is at his instigation'.

Original poster
evolucy7 · 01/04/2011 22:49

That is it exactly, he has to have some sort of control, he had it when me and the girls still lived in jointly owned house, then when we sold it he moved and then refused to tell me his new address, the judge told him to just get on and tell me. Now he wants to change a weekend, so change the court order pattern, but will not accept anything less than the exact details of the court order even if it means the children may miss out on something, I would never dream of asking him to change weekends for my benefit. Even if we were still together we may have to miss things in the interests of the children.

OP posts:
AllDirections · 01/04/2011 23:47

My XH is exactly the same. For the first 5 years after we split he kept going back to court to insist on particular times. No problem for me as I liked to know when I could work, go out, etc. but then he would refuse to have the DDs at those times.

It's been 10 years now and I have another DD so I'm not bothered if he has them or not and neither are they. Good job really!

gillybean2 · 02/04/2011 08:26

How about simply calling his bluff....
Say that you are fully aware it is cup final weekend and therefore assume that is what his evening appointment is about.... and that given how important specific times dates etc were on the court order you think it's a bit Hmm that he is now wanting to change things only a few days later to suit himself... However you are going to put the dc first here and so are pepared to swap on his occassion and you hope he bears that in mind in the future should you ever need to rearrange things for whatever reason.

I would also put it in writing so you have it on record that you have been flexible re this too, should you ever need it for court in the future.

plopplopquack · 02/04/2011 08:47

Totally agree with gillybean2

catinthehat2 · 02/04/2011 08:50

"If you agree to it, I would gently point out that although you don't mind, you would appreciate a bit of flexibility back when the need arises."

you know you won't get any flexibility in future
you will be left with egg on face

I know what I would do.
I also know what nicer people would do.

Bonsoir · 02/04/2011 08:53

I think contact arrangements ought to be set in stone and only changeable for things like important family gatherings (weddings, Bar Mitzvahs etc), after consultation with all parties.

BertieBotts · 02/04/2011 09:01

Catinthehat I agree with you. And I am a very nice person - too nice, some would say Grin it's just I learned the hard way with my ex.

I don't know, if it was a rarity and the fact he's given a lot of notice I'd probably go with it, but I'd expect him to be flexible back. (The putting in writing is a good idea) It's just otherwise you get into the situation I'm in where he's mysteriously "ill" every time he wants to go out on the piss, which means you plan something for the weekend and get let down at the last minute, and leaves DS not knowing if he's coming or going either. He's too young at the moment to notice the day of the week and ask whether Daddy is coming but he does sometimes ask if he can see him and I have to say I don't know.

catinthehat2 · 02/04/2011 09:07

ultimately there is nothing in it for you or the DC if you agree this one.
you are free to say no.
and it will not make you any the less a nice person if you stand firm

Satireisbest · 02/04/2011 09:40

When you like back in 5, 10, or whatever years time will this be a big deal?

One thing my ex and I decided at the beginning was every decision we made would have to be justifiable with the children when they are older. And the first few years weren't easy.

It doesn't half focus your thinking.

gillybean2 · 02/04/2011 09:41

I disagree with catinthehat2 saying there's nothing in it for the dc's by changing the arrangements...

If this is about football then the contact they have with dad won't be worth having if he's at the pub getting drunk. He'll have to palm them off on someone else find a babysitter for them or take them with him. How is that of benefit to them? Whereas staying home with mum is of more benefit to them on that particular weekend imo.

Bonsoir · 02/04/2011 09:43

I think it's good for the children to see their parents doing things the parents want to do. Contact weekend should not mean that parents have to devote their whole time to their DC.