Ex says he has an 'appointment' on the Saturday Evening and wants to re-arrange his contact weekend [hmm]

[evolucy7]

Just like to know what people think, my ex says he has an 'appointment on 14 May in the evening' [his usual contact weekend and so wants to have an alternative weekend for contact with the girls.

Now I personally would never expect him to change his weekend so I could go out, which is what I assume this is about. 14 May happens to be the Cup Final. If it was anything to do with working he would say.

Part of me thinks that just be reasonable and say yes fine. However, this is a father who has in the past not been prepared to change his contact for the children to be able to attend parties or activities, but wants it changing for him to go to the pub to watch the Cup Final?!

Any thoughts please

Totally agree with gillybean and SGB.

If I had no plans then I would just agree to it. Maybe you just need to accept what he is like and that he isn't going to change, and then work with that, rather than continually being the good guy and hoping that he will recognise and acknowledge it and suddenly change. He won't. I don't mean to be harsh, but I speak from experience. You can't change him, but you can change your reaction to him.

I can see why it would wind you up, but don't you think that maybe that's what he wants (as well as watching the football)? I wouldn't give him the pleasure. Detach from the drama and enjoy some extra time with your girls, and do something special.

FWIW I completely disagree that contact should be set in stone. There is a place for it to ensure it happens, when one party starts messing around or being difficult, but I think it works best when both parties are completely flexible and accommodating.

He hasn't actually said it's the football, Evolucy7 is assuming, probably correctly, but assuming.

You've got years of contact with your ex to come.
Personally I'd bend with the wind, does it really matter?

People can and do change, I'd let time pass and try and take some of the hostility out of this.

I think the contact arrangements either go by the book, or you are both flexible.

What won't work, is if you accommodate him, but if you want to change, he throws the book at you. You will just end up resenting him even more.

For me with my ex I had to just let go else the hatred and bitterness would have eaten me up.

Yes, he never turns up when he says he will
Yes, he's always late
Yes, he lies constantly
Yes, he wants things changing for football or dates with his girlfriend but won't change if its to enable dd to attend a birthday party
Yes, he went to court to get fortnightly access but actually only comes every 4/5 weeks because he 'can't afford the petrol'

Basically, hes a cunt.

But, and this is what I think is relevant for you, I was letting him and his constant pushing effect my every thought. It was making me miserable. I had to let go. And it was very hard.

I now just think in my head 'its him missing out on dd and he'll have to live with that'. I also think that as long as I stick to the 'moral high ground' then I have nothing to reproach myself for, let him do what he wants.

So, short answer swap the weekends as requested but make sure its noted somewhere in case its needed in future in court. But, if you can, try and stop using the courts for everything, adds stress you don't need in your life.

My ex is also very controlling about the contact weekends and always refused to swap when I needed to make time for appointments (for cancer treatment, FFS!). So when he asked, I have also refused, it's the only way to maintain boundaries imo. If he needs to do something on his contact weekend then he has to sort out childcare. It's much better for the DCs this way as it means their weekends are always consistent.

I have always been the respondent in court, it has always been instigated by him unrepresented.

TowerPill I agree about boundaries.

Anyway, seeing as he said that he had an 'appointment in the evening' on the Saturday, I have suggested to him that I think it would be better if he still had the girls during the day that weekend, or he would not see them for 3 weeks, (which he made a great fuss about one year at christmas when it happened, due to when christmas fell). He did originally have a midweek visit that he wanted in the court order but, it didn't last long, he stopped years ago. I have suggested that I have the girls overnight and he can collect them again in the morning, he lives 5 minutes away. Aside from his cheek, I do actually think that it would be better for them to see him in a regular pattern every other weekend, not with long avoidable gaps.

He is having them for the day on Good Friday this year so I have said would he like them to stay the night then instead.

FuppyGish, I had to do the same thing too. Once I'd let go of my expectations of my XH things have been much easier for all of us. Yes, he gets his own way all the time but by letting go I'm much more relaxed about the situation and the DDs benefit from that.

OP, will your X actually have the girls if you say no to him changing the arrangements? My XH would have just not turned up for the DC and there's not a thing that I could do about it.

I personally would say no swap. The court order he wanted defines 'his' weekends and if that is one of them tough. If you go out do you get a babysitter? why can't he, say you have plans yourself I wouldn't change

My ex is like yours, wants his court order but wants it chopped and changed when he mates and football say jump. No way xxxx

lucy, I think your suggestion is a good one. You have put your girls first and not stooped to his level.

It's all very well "rising above it" and "being the better person" and all that, but the bottom line is, that's why the guy is continuing to be a controlling twat. People like that don't appreciate someone else's decency, and view it as weakness. Either put your foot down, calmly and politely, by saying, "sorry, not able to do that" or roll over an accept that he will always have this power and control over you. Coz even if you do what he wants again this time, he won't return the favour to you .

I agree that the OP should just say no. However when I did this with my ex he just wouldn't have the DC. His arguement was that he'd informed he wasn't having them so that was fine. So I'd say that the DC weren't going to him again unless he was going to collect them when agreed. Then he'd take me to court, get the same contact reinstated (sp) and do the same thing again, and again, and again!!
It was him who chose the contact arrangements as I wasn't bothered too much as long as we all knew where we stood. But it meant nothing and he even didn't pick them up from school one time. Whilst this cycle continued he had that power over me and once I'd realised that I was never going to change his behaviour and 'rose' above it all that changed. The DC are 14 and 10 now and they choose if they want to go or not.

Oh I've had that he didn't pick DD1 up from school last year on DD2's birthday, the school rang me to say that she had not been collected. He then told me that he wasn't going to drive all the way to get her, it's a long story, he had said that he would get her at lunchtime I said no she's at school she can be collected at 3.30pm, so he just didn't bother, but didn't tell me he wasn't going to.

I agree with Satire & Guppy, who sound like they have been there, done it and made the situation work for them. You can't change people's behaviour by forcing them or arguing with them. It isn't a sign of weakness to agree to changes either and it doesn't mean you are being controlled. If Evolucy had an event that weekend as well then I think she woudl have a case to argue but she doesn't have a clash. She has come up with a good solution. Good on you.

As has been pointed out, in 10 years you will forget about the flexibility you have shown ,it will be immaterial. The goal surely is to miminise the conflict that the children witness (so hopefully they grow up in a carefree environment rather than a warzone). I think not making changes on the basis of "he will win" or "on principle" is the wrong approach.
Evolucy, I get that it's frustrating - we have similar with DH's ex - contact is set in stone until..oops she needs something and suddenly it's all flexible. I loath the dishonesty as well but we just take it all. DSS is now a teen and most recently he has realised what is happening. It's heartbreaking and I haven't enjoyed hearing it but all children get there at some age. They wake up to what has been going on - who changes weekends for football matches, who helps to maintain contact.

Smum - I railed and screamed and swore with my DP/friends/family over exh and they kept telling me to let it go, which only made me want to punch them!!

But, actually, as you say, they were right. It gives him so much power over my life if I'm constantly thinking about what he's done wrong and why and how dare he treat our dd like that and what is he telling himself to allow him to do this etc etc. And then getting into text wars or email wars. The whole thing made me ill.

Eventually I handed all communications over to DP (exh was happy with this) and now try very hard not to think or talk about him. Had slight slip up at the weekend when he turned up late and then gave dd a cookie for lunch so did have a half hour rant with DP, but have now moved on.

I have no room in my head for him anymore, let him play games, he's only hurting himself. Also it means there are no whispered rants from me (trying not to let dd hear) and I'm sure she feels much better now all is calm.

Hope you're finding your way through OP, it is very hard x

Well he still hasn't responded to my suggestion sent in an email 4 days ago! He likes the control of doing that too, ignoring it for a bit, not wanting to just get on and make an arrangement for the children!

At one of our many court visits in February this year, he was the applicant again, the Judge told us to go out of the court and discuss with my solicitor too, how we would get the girls back to contact that they were happy about, then come back in and tell him we had sorted it. Ex then said he didn't want to do it now, and would rather go home and think about it, my solicitor pointed out to him that he had brought this to court, the Judge had listened, and told us what we were to do, the Judge was the decision maker not him, he couldn't waste the court's time by wanting a Judge to hear his case and then not want to do what the Judge told him to do!

I feel your pain honestly I do. My exh went to a solicitor because he wanted access every fortnight, no problem. Then he decided he wanted once every 4 weeks, he'd been made redundant and said he couldnt afford petrol. (even though he actually was working but was paying no csa as he'd told us he was out of work).

He actually turned up 5 weeks, 6 weeks, 5 weeks, 5 weeks etc. We asked him to (at least) stick to every 4 weeks, he didn't. Now he has a job and a car we asked him if he could come up every 2 weeks as originally agreed (i dont care when he comes but dd wants to see him more) he said 'no'. Nice

He 'didnt have enough holiday' to come to her school play He had 'no money' to come up on his designated weekend yet went to Florence the weekend after with his girlfriend. He didn't turn up Boxing Day because the car 'broke' and then 'magically repaired itself overnight'. He often has no insurance on his car (we make him send us certificates now else I wont let her in his car). I could go on and on... My personal favourite is asking him to stay till 5 (he comes up once every 5 weeks from 11am to 4pm). He made such a fuss over having her an extra hour I told him to forget it. I don't ever ask now. Oh and even though he has her at his house at most twice a year (for max 2 nights a time), he wouldnt let her bring her CHristmas presents home with her, he wanted to keep them at his for when 'she next came down' ie in 6 months time

See, I'm getting wound up just typing this and thats why Ive had to step back.

He's a cock. Everyone knows he's a cock. He will lose out. Now you just have to let him get on with it. He hasn't responded to your email? Let him play silly buggers, try and rise above it and I promise you you will feel happier.

evolucy7 - I know how you feel my DS dad wants to control everything as well as drags me to court if he doesn't get what he wants, hes a bully and even a couple of judges at family court have told him this. He can be very unreasonable. if DS has a party which falls on his weekend he wants extra time to make up for the time DS spends at party!!! Ive agreed to variations of court order when hes asked but he hasn't been so accommodating when i've asked.

As long as the variation doesn't mess up any plans you had for kids then I would give him it, if he doesn't play fair later at least you know you are the better person as you have acted in best interests of your kids. Hope it all works out.

Thanks Meriva, glad I'm not the only one!

Having sent him an email with a suggestion that he still has them during the day on Saturday and Sunday, just returning them to me overnight, and then has an extra night after he's had them in the day on Good Friday, I have heard nothing since sending the email a week ago. Yet another example of how he must be in control!