How much access?

[mrscolour]

Hi
I saw a solicitor today and he told me that my ex would be entitled to every other weekend with the kids and half of the holidays. This wasn't what I wanted to hear. I really feel that as my kids are young to be staying over with him (4 and a half and 22 months) and that 1 day every weekend would be enough and then a bit extra in the holidays. He hasn't really been that involved in their lives until now and I've done all the hard stuff. Plus me and the kids are living at my mum and dads at the mo and I don't really want them staying away from me until we are settled in our own place. i'm hoping we might be able to come to an agreement at mediation.

I was just wondering how much contact other people's exes have and does it work for you?

therfore in some cases this may mean listening to wishes and feelings of the child(ren) .

i ahve odler dds (8 adn 11) adn tehya very clear about (no) contact with dad. for number of specific reasons... including welfare concerns tehy avhe artciulated v strongly. so it isnt the same sa saying "you have to go to school, so you have to see dad".

but for younger children, where no welfare issues, then - to go back to op -i cant see any valid reason for dad not to have regular contact and overnights from the word go.

whiteadnnderdy's ex has clearly got wrong end of stick - seeing their dad outside contact ordered by court is certianly not illegal! certainly my order had "any any other contact as agreed by both parties" in it.

Thank you for your replies. I found some of them a bit brutal i have to be honest, we are only recently separated and feelings are still quite raw. My concern is that every other weekend is not right for our children at this time. And one of the reasons I wouldn't like this arrangement is two weeks is a long time between contacts. Ex is living in a house share at the moment so until he is able to move somewhere else overnight contact is out of the question at the moment. I know that eventually overnight contact will probably have to happen but that doesn't mean I won't worry about my kids - it has always been me that has dealt with the nightmares, night wakings etc. and it will really worry me not being there. It is my instinct to want to be the one there for my children. I do want my children to have a relationship with their father but I want us to find a routine that suits them not necessarily what is the "standard arrangement".

Unfortunately what you want doesn't come into it. You should really try and focus on what the children need rather than what you need/want. Yes of course it is a raw time for you, and leaving your children in someone elses care isn't easy. I still remember how paniky and worried I was the first time ds stayed away overnight. But he was absolutely fine, it was only me who was worried.

I agree every other weekend isn't suitable for young children. Contact should be more frequent and so you should include a midweek contact every week if you can. You haven't said what your ex is askinf for or why you went to see a solicitor (ie to find out the situation or because he is threatening court because he wants more contact).

Overnights I'm afraid you will just have to get used too and so will the children. Build up gradually as I suggested above. Start off with all day saturday, then friday evening overnight and all day saturday. It's far better to come to an arangement between yourself than to have it thrust on you by a court.

It may seem hard to you, but imagine if you only had as much contact as you are suggesting your ex should have. And it must also be hard for the dc not to see their dad as much as they would like or want.

Even though you are not together any more you are both still parents of your dc. You will have to learn to share them and accept your role will change and that you are not the one who always comforts them and deals with nightmares etc (just like you accept that teachers at school will comfort and care for your dc when they are 4 and off to school).

I'm sure your ex is a capable person. Given the chance I'm sure he will cope with these things too and so will you. He is still their dad and he loves them too.
Yes it's hard when your whole world is turned upside down and your role changes when you didn't ask or want it. But doing the right thing for your children is most important now. And for them to know they have two parents who still love them despite everything that has happened will be very important too them now and in the future.

Try and work things out together and come to a compromise if you can. Put the children's best interests ahead of what you want or what your ex wants. Going to court over contact is not nice, not easy and will wreck and chance you have of working together to share parenting of your dc for a long time to come. Avoid it at all costs and bear in mind that if it doe go to court your ex will get every other weekend and half the hols. So if you don't want that then find ways of compromising....

My ex Is refusing overnight stay for our daughter 10am to 2pm next day. Now threating me with court. As they want 10 to 5 out daughter spends time on a Saturday afternoon with her grandad who only has a weekend available to travel

This is not about a mother or father. This is what is in the best interest of the children. They are the important people here.There is a sweeping generalisation that 50 50 is in the best interest of the child. I completely disagree with this. Each case should be looked at on an individual basis. My case is that my husband invested very little time in the children. He put everything before them work, hobbies and women. Now we have parted he wants 50/50. The children the ages they are are old enough to say they don't want this as their dad has'nt been around. They now see him one day every other weekend and one evening in the week. This is more time than they have ever spent with him. They don't usually want to go but I encourage them. This is completely meeting their needs, however not meeting dad's needs and he wants more contact. My daughter doesn't want to pack up her bag each week and stay overnight and has told her dad this. Would we as adults want to do this...live between two homes? It works in some cases but not all.

P's I am not anti-dad or anything. I am surrounded by amazing father's who put their children first. I wish my husband had been one of them.

@WishIWasRimaHorton

I am absolutely horrified your HV is making such an assumption of your child's rights to a parenting relationship with both adults.

Your health visitor is absolutely in no way trained to offer this 'professional opinion'. This is her opinion only and not based on evidence.

I am a health visitor myself and if I was to hear of one of my colleagues offering such 'evidence', I would be taking it to my lead nurse.

I would be very careful about offering such evidence in court if this recommendation is not based on any health issues.

This will be viewed as not promoting a relationship with the other parent effectively (I know of cases where the other parent has been given full custody of their children based on this aspect alone.

Your health visitor is there to promote health, work in partnership with other agencies and deal with any health issues and NOT to make custody recommendatio s unless the children are The risk.

I believe you are going to cause your children alot of trauma due to your own wants and needs.

I think that you Ned yo unpack this.

If your children don’t have a relationship with their dad then chance to build one .

If he isn’t in a position to build one . Yes it is bloody frustrating when just because you separate they suddenly become interested in the children however this can be a positive from the separation.

Have you thought as he has no option for overnight that chance to build up time .

I also think in their you are talking. about instability of no home of your own but dad is familiar

@Mygirl67 @2018anewstart @Eve81 @Starlight456 You need to take a closer look when posting. This thread is 8 years old.

🙄

It doesn't matter how old the thread it's talking that is helping.

I;m sorry I feel the same, my ex is useless as some we will know we live in the same house but have divided it up for now until everything is settled. My exh goes away for 10 - 14 days at a time doesn't phone or text out DS but that is what my DS is used to. Now I have Easter hols approaching and I want to take my son to visit his grandparents who live a long way from ours, and my exh is like well if you take him for 5 days then I can have him for 5 days, and some of me is saying well no I don't like that idea being away from my son for 5 days, having to trust his dad to look after him and yet the other bit of me is well if I can contact him everyday and talk to him to make sure that he's okay would that be okay. But that first half is still really struggling with letting go.

Before anyone has a go at me, 5 days without my son is torture I don't know how I am going to cope, he's never had a whole day apart from me not alone overnight hundreds of miles away.. Will he have fun yes, will he be okay - hopefully, will they feed him - yes. But 5 days, does it have to be for that long.

He's taken the time off work why can't he come back and spend the time with him, does it have to be hundreds of miles away, I won't get in there way but at least I will be around if he wants me.

I am so confused and cried myself to sleep last night, and still get tearful thinking about it, we all know that change has to happen but surely things can be done slower for the children to adjust.

My exH is useless beyond words and I do have issues over him having our son, he's not changed his own (my exh) bed sheets since oct 2018, he doesn''t do our son's medicine right, the list can go on but I won't name it all.
He won't put the bin's out or put them back because he's frightened of getting his hands dirty, he won't wash up, tidy up, put the hoover round, silly things but things that we all know he is going to have to do himself when he moves out to his own place, it's because they know that your there and will do it eventually because it drives us mad that we do it, but I won't be there, so what choice does he have.

I adore my dc so much, but I don't understand how some people act like they can't be away from there children at the same time moan that the other parent doesn't see them enough. What the hell are you going to be like when they become teens? You dependants won't suddenly change

I am not moaning about him seeing him but why does it have to be 200 miles away where he has to travel 4 motorways to get back. Access is fine but the danger is being so far away from home.

He is not what I would call responsable at the best of times, and traveling with a child you have to be. Changing the radio or answering a text message in a split second our world could be torn apart forever.

400 miles round trip, 8 hours travelling that not necassary when he can see his son here in the same county, he's just being spiteful and controlling and using our son to hurt me, as I don't want him anymore.

I have never had a day without my son since he was born and his dad wants 5 days with him, I want him to have contact but it shouldn't be on his terms.

The emotional abuse I have suffered the last 5 years makes me feel hatrid and angry towards my ex but at the same time I recognise my son's need for his dad.

When you say half the holidays does this mean they go to the other parent for 3 weeks of the 6 weeks summer holiday? My boy would never cope with that