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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

6 year old daughter wants to live with Dad ??

54 replies

SJLTM · 23/03/2011 17:56

Hi, don't really want to ramble on with history, but long story cut short.
My youngest DD who is 6 wants to live with her Dad. I have had 2 yrs of completed trauma after visits to Dad, she just can not cope without him.

Have tried every possibility, more contact, more calls but nothing helps.

We have briefly discussed this and it seems it would just be a roll reversal, he would get all the boring stuff and I would get the fun weekends.

Have any of you got experience of this arrangement, and can it work ?

She is 'our' only child together, but have a 20yr old DD and 12yr old DS from my first marriage still at home. Ex was the instigator of the split as he had an affair.

OP posts:

TrinityIsABunnyMunchingRhino · 23/03/2011 18:02

I'm sorry I have no advice but wanted to give you

cestlavielife · 23/03/2011 18:53

maybe you should give it a try

Original poster

SJLTM · 23/03/2011 19:05

I just want what makes DD happy, and to be sure its her decision. She is with ex's family this week after a complete melt down on Monday from her, then me !! so obviously lots of 'live with Daddy conversations taking place.

OP posts:

thatsnotmymonster · 23/03/2011 19:10

Do you live close enough that she would go to the same school? If so, why not do a month of him doing weeks and you weekends and then swap? or is that insane...

Original poster

SJLTM · 23/03/2011 19:32

He would be about 35/40 mins so new school, and she seems ok about this, as long as she can be with Daddy . . .so difficult

OP posts:

WishIWasRimaHorton · 23/03/2011 19:34

you say you have briefly discussed it - could you discuss it in more detail? sit down with your ex (eek!) if you are on talking terms and thrash out how it would work practically with school / childcare etc.

though. that is my absolute worst nightmare scenario.

WishIWasRimaHorton · 23/03/2011 19:36

oh gosh - xpost. new school. hmmm... you really do need to discuss this with her dad, i think. at this stage they are still so young - they would choose to live in a chocolate factory if you gave them that option.

what is it that is so appealing about daddy? not being mean, but with my son (4), it is the toys. daddy earns more and has better toys...

Gottakeepchanging · 23/03/2011 19:37

Can you afford the maintenance? Losing it and then having to pay it?

Original poster

SJLTM · 23/03/2011 19:42

I have said that I think DD should really talk to a neutral party /professional as yes she is young, but also very sensible and adamant this is what she wants.
Ex has said he will put in legal papers etc, that she can come back to me at any time and he would not be asking for maintenance.

There must be someone in this situation ???

OP posts:

Original poster

SJLTM · 23/03/2011 19:44

The attraction of Dad, well always been Daddies girl , they are joined at the hip !!

OP posts:

Original poster

SJLTM · 23/03/2011 19:46

Going now, but will be back in the morning .
.

OP posts:

ilovemydogandMrObama · 23/03/2011 19:50

But that doesn't make sense that your ex will put in legal papers, but that she can come back to you at any time. If he is flexible, why go down the legal route?

After my parents got divorced, I wanted to live with my dad (was 6 at the time). AT the time, no one said, 'no' but more, 'why?' My mom was very busy at work and I felt abandoned. Fortunately my dad was of the opinion that the best parents work together and while he would have loved for me to live with him, he felt that my relationship with my mother needed more attention.

sumum · 23/03/2011 20:08

hi yes I have been in your situation.
Twelve years ago my daughter 11 at the time wanted to live with her dad, we had been split for 3 years and she was always a daddy's girl.
my relationship with her was very difficult and she wanted to go.
I had not long met my now dh and I think she realised me and her dad would never get back together.

It was VERY hard, so very hard just seeing her at weekends and I felt like a complete failure and the worst mother in the world.
My dd had to go to a new school and make new friends. she stayed there and never lived with me again.

Now she and I have a great relationship, she has a baby and is always asking me for advice.

However I did recently ask her if she had made the right choice, if she thought she was old enough to make that choice and if I should have let her make that descision. She said 'no' she was always waiting for me to stand up to her and bring her home . Also as a teenager she self harmed and OD twice(hospital job) so she was not ok.

My advice would be that your dd is way too young to be making that choice. Times have changed in society and dads do take a greater role but to not live with your mother(if it is possible) could lead to rejection problems in the future.

As I said my dd is doing great now but I still live with the guilt.

BluddyMoFo · 23/03/2011 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Latemates · 23/03/2011 21:18

Sumum - sorry i dont think you can blame your daughters problems on the fact she lived with her dad. If you had stopped this the problems may still have happened or worse and then you would be worried it was becuase you prevented her from living with her dad.

I feel that the childrens views should be taken into account along with many other things when deciding where the children live. children have the right to a full relationship with both parents and in the case where either parent is capable then why should the mother automatically be the parent with care?

OP - If you prevent your daughter from living with her dad you relationship may never recover. If you allow it she may decide to move back once reality sets in. And at 6 she could live with both of you over the next few years. A shame you dont live closer to each other as then you could share care equally.

sumum · 23/03/2011 21:57

Latemates - I don't blame my dd's problems on the fact she lived with her dad, you are right she could(probably would) have had them anyway. She was a troubled teen.
What I found and do still find difficult is MY guilt.

And the fact I asked my dd as an adult and she said I/she made the wrong choice.

However at the time I did think it was the right thing to do. It is such a hard thing to evaluate as there are so many things you cannot predict. But having been in that situation and lived through to the child's adulthood I would still advise the op to keep her dd with her.

The descision has to be right for both parents and the child and for myself I suffered a lot.

sumum · 23/03/2011 22:03

Incidently my younger dd also went to live with her dad(same one) when she was 16 and both she and I were fine about that, the time was right and there was no guilt.

my ex and I always worked together to bring up the girls wherever they lived and so they had input from two parents all the time.

But it was painful for me not having dd1 with me while she was growing up. That maybe a selfish viewpoint but that is how I felt.

gillybean2 · 24/03/2011 01:57

If your ex is so understanding then I'm sure he'd be willing to do a month or so's trial and keep her at her current school while that happens.

So why not say that you'll try it over the summer term and review it at half term and then again at the end of term to see if she's still wanting to live with dad, wanting to live with both of you (so you can look at a shared arrangement where she spends one week with you then one with him), or if she has found the grass isn't really greener and wants to come home (when she finds that dad is actually busy with work etc after school and dad and his new partner finds it's not as easy as they though).

Then you can have the summer hols to work out what to do and if it's live with dad she can start at a new school in september.

Original poster

SJLTM · 24/03/2011 08:51

Thank you all for you words of wisdom, I think my decision would be easier if he were staying in the same town/school with her.

Lots of talking still needed and thanks GILLYBEAN I may suggest that idea.

OP posts:

Hereforlife · 24/03/2011 10:00

I think you have to take your emotions out of this and do what is best for your daughter.

And if the decision is she lives with her Dad that is what you must do.

whiteandnerdy · 24/03/2011 12:51

I've been having the DCs every weekend for about 8 or so years now. I estimate I spend more time being a parent 'with them' than my ExP, however she get's the label as the parent with residency and so I pay maintenance and get the stigma of NRP, pfffft so what. My children enjoy(ed) regular contact with both parents spending equal time with each. As for term 'living' my children explain to their friends that they 'live' with dad on the weekend and 'live' with their mum during the week.

Down sides have been my limited social life, however I feel compensated by the quality time I can spend with my children. ExP is now seeking to change this to every other weekend, and it sounds like their having the same kind of issues as you children. My DC's have been asking for alternative weeks but my ExP is adamantly against this.

dolallylass · 24/03/2011 19:53

I had a friend when I was at school who asked to live with her Dad, her parents were having a bad divorce and he couldn't wait to use this as a weapon against her mum. She (the DD) and I are now in our late 30's and her relationship with her mother is still fractious, she left and never lived with her Mum again. Its been sad to watch.

You also need to think ahead what about if your XP gets a long term or even live in partner, does this person become the main 'Mum'? Life is long, she's six. My advice would be fight for her and tell her you will do all you can help her see her Dad as much as possible but you love her too much to let her go. Maybe if you are waiving she can sense it. Good Luck and bigs hugs.

WishIWasRimaHorton · 24/03/2011 20:32

oh gosh this is so hard. i agree - she is so little. she may be mature and she may love her dad to bits, but there are implications of a disrupted maternal bond, and you will be aware of that. your idea of seeking professional help is a good one. could you go to your GP and get referred to speak to a specialist / counsellor / psychologist? the last thing you want is to allow her to make a decision based on anxieties she has around something (whatever), and for that decision to cause yet more problems in the future of a more significant and long lasting nature. i know it seems like the end of the world to her, at the moment. and it probably is to her, as it is all she knows. but the risks are great; and you and her dad need to work this out between you. i personally think she is too young to inform this entire decision by her emotional reaction to separating from her father.

Latemates · 24/03/2011 21:23

What about her disrupted paternal bond?? The problem with society today's is the assumption that children should always live with the mother. Children need a relationship wi both parents. All research shows this...
Dolallylass .... Many mothers get into relationships too and the men they are with have more contact with the children than the actual fathers so that point is daft.
I don't think mum is planning on giving her to dad and walking away... She will still have a relationship with her daughter but her daughters happiness should come before her own loneliness fears. Don't get me wrong I'm sure it will be very hard for mum but many fathers face having their children taken away after separation and they manage to cope. Put the children first before mum or dad.

WishIWasRimaHorton · 24/03/2011 22:02

latemates - there is a substantial amount of research that says that early years attachment and bonding is crucial with mum - even if dad is the primary caregiver, and mum works and dad stays home. if the maternal bond is interrupted, this causes trauma to the child's emotional development, even where mum is not 'primary carer'. most of the research that i have looked at relates to kids younger than the OP's (my DD is 2 and my DS is 4 - both displaying signs of considerable anxiety in a shared care arrangement since aug of last year). it is not meant to undermine in any way the importance of the paternal attachment, or the detriment to the child if denied access to the father. it is just that, in some cases, the trendy way of 'shared parenting', 'equal parenting' can be detrimental to very young children who actually do NEED the reassurance of the maternal bond. the absence of this maternal bond is (in the words of several psychiatrists that i have consulted) almost guaranteed emotional trauma. the absence of a meaningful relationship with both parents is also emotional trauma. but there is a middle ground. and if the maternal attachment can be preserved as well as the paternal bond, that is ultimately the best situation for the child. without saying in any way that the child must live with its mother. each case is different; each child is different. but this child is so young - i would baulk at giving a child of this age the latitude to choose its own school shoes - let alone where it lived, especially where this means a change of school etc...
and absolutely -put the child first. but the child in this case is expressing anxieties and needs which may not be understood in their totality by any of the parties. which is why communication and some expert help here has to be the way forward. and if the outcome of these discussions is that there are clear reasons why the child's needs are better met by living with the father and spending contact time with the mother, then that has to be the answer in this case.

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