6 year old daughter wants to live with Dad ??

[SJLTM]

Hi, don't really want to ramble on with history, but long story cut short.
My youngest DD who is 6 wants to live with her Dad. I have had 2 yrs of completed trauma after visits to Dad, she just can not cope without him.

Have tried every possibility, more contact, more calls but nothing helps.

We have briefly discussed this and it seems it would just be a roll reversal, he would get all the boring stuff and I would get the fun weekends.

Have any of you got experience of this arrangement, and can it work ?

She is 'our' only child together, but have a 20yr old DD and 12yr old DS from my first marriage still at home. Ex was the instigator of the split as he had an affair.

SJLTM, if I have any advice, it would be that you try to agree with your ex that you both be allowed to discipline when she's with either of you. I totally understand the desire to go and get her. My daughter was 6 years old when exh left. He was desperate to see daughter and my every attempt at disciplining her was thwarted. She is now 11 and whilst I think she is very bright etc she believes that if she screams loud enough or inflicts enough damage on property or person that she will get her own way.

You do, honestly, sound as though you are being really pragmatic. I have high hopes that you will be fine. Don't let her get her own way too much and go with your instincts

OP - i hope you have some relief from the agreement you have arranged.

a number of you asked for references for the research i had read - i'm afraid it was all books on separating parents given to me by the mediators we went to see, so i don't have them any longer and neither do i have the titles. however, they were all essays and research articles based on shared parenting. the premise is that it is the maternal bond which is key in forming self image, self confidence etc. if that is interrupted in any way (through death of mother, PND, or separation of parents and shared parenting), then there is an impact on very young children. the extent of the impact will vary, but in the most extreme cases, children whose mothers were depressed and never looked / talked to them for the first year of their life will have significant attachment issues, which will manifest themselves through ambivalence towards the mother, not being able to look at her etc.

clearly this is not the case here - but the fact is that all this research that i was given by the mediators to look at when Ex and I were thrashing out a shared care arrangement said the same thing. disrupt the bond with the mother, and the child will have a degree of emotional trauma.

most of this applied to children of 5yrs or under - OP's child is older. but not that much...

WishIWasRimaHorton - Thank you for the reply in regards to research.

I suspect that the books you read are now out of date as more resent research documents state the opposite.

thecustodyminefield.com/SharedCareResearch.html

The link above shows many different research papers all stating that children need both parents to be involved in shared care to get the best outcomes.

"Sole maternal custody often leads to parental alienation and father absence, and father absence is associated with negative child outcomes."

"Early father involvement can be another protective factor in counteracting risk conditions that might lead to later low attainment levels." At age 7 fathers amount of involvement will predict achievement at age 20

I feel that shared residency/parenting/care should be the norm upon seperation/divorce as this is in childrens best interest. And if it was the norm, society would not look down on a mother for allowing that child the best start in life by adopting a shared care arangement. The father and mother would both get involved in the childs life and the child would have a rounded childhood and rerlationships with both parents.

For those who don't want to be involved and walk away or in cases of abuse (not ones made up by one parent tho) should be the only time when shared care isn't the norm.

Thank you all for the continuing input, All very interesting and certainly food for thought .