Emailing and the NRP

[scatterbee]

Hi i am not a loan parent, but am after advice for my partner and thought it might be a good idea to get advice from here.

He is the NRP. He wants to set up an email address for his DC (5 & 7) so that they can email each other. He wants this private from his ex if possible. Also wants them to be able to instant message each other / web cam / skype if him and the DC are on at the same time.

She thinks that expecting them to email is daft. And that she has no objection to trying to webcam but it needs to be a set time, and its likely to be a brief moment before they race off, and she is not willing to have a webcam left on so he can see what they are playing / generally doing as thats an invasion of her house.

What are your views?

Invasion of privacy if not at agreed times, yes I agree with his ex.

Also, no way should he be expecting their dc to keep email addresses or anything, from their mum. Should not be encouraging 'secrets'

Is there a court order?

Why can't he just phone them up for a chat?

I am a single parent, I am trying to co-parent with my ex and on the whole it's as amicable as possible (with the exception of some irritations)

I would find leaving a webcam on very very interfering, an invasion of my privacy, would be worried about my home and what goes on in it being recorded and having it used against me at some point.

I also would be more than unhappy if I thought at that young age that my DC's had email addresses that were "secret" and that I could not have access to.

Sorry.

I would be happy to facilitate (and would actually encourage) Skype at set times, wouldn't have a problem with that.

agree with the others totally on the web-cam. NO WAY.

e-mail, wouldn't be happy, although at what age it is "ok" for the email account to be "secret" I'm not sure? (Secret as in the child controls their own access/passwords to it - and not either parent).

Would happily facilitate sykpe/msn (camera based better than typing for small children (mine are 5 and 8) but agree that they are likely to race off - and while I would ensure they we in the right place at the right time and weren't distracted by other things, I wouldn't be happy to do this lots and lots (i.e. agreed time daily at an appropriate time - for as little or long as the kids wanted with no pressure to stay talking to their dad from me, or maybe once a week with pressure from me to talk for 5/10 mins).
Would also happily facilitate the same on the phone, and for the kids to call him if/when they want to.

My DCs get either a phone call or skype call from their mum once a day at around 7pm. That's fine with me. They also email her when they want, and I regularly remind them that they can call her on the phone whenever they want.

My DCs are older than the OP's partner. In my view my own children are not old enough to be allowed private email accounts. don't deliberately snoop into the contents of their emails but I do keep an eye on who they get emails from.

There is no way on earth I would allow a webcam connection to be on for my ex to see what's going on in my home when my DCs are not using the computer to talk to her. Absolutely no way. This is my home, not the set of "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here".

webcam caht defeintiely set time.

they far too young to have secret email accounts.

both mother/father should be able to monitor for spam/sex ads etc - whatever filters are applied.

what is it he wants to say to them that is so secret?

I agree with your partner's ex. Your partner seems like a bit of a nutter if he's expecting emails from a five-year-old, or wants a constant kid-cam in his ex's house, tbh. When my daughter was 5, she could type, but emails would be more like: 'deer dad tuday we wnt to th soo, i luv you lost ant lost' (authentic spelling- I have emails from her at that age saved), so why on earth would they need to be private? Also I still will not let my daughter have a private log in to anything, as I think it's too risky in case someone dodgy got hold of it and contacted her without me knowing. She's 9. When she's 15, I might change my mind, as long as she seems sensible enough.

.

1. Secret email account = total FAIL as a parent!

Teaching them to have secret online accounts with ANYONE at this age is teaching them to be future victims of the peado nutter wierdo's that lurk the online world at a later date. Online comms should be never be "secret" from either parent at this age for this reason alone. You'd hit the roof if you heard a young child was being asked to walk down a deserted alley alone at night - so why do it in the "cyber world"?

This isn't personal to either of you, more a reflection of the dangers that lurk in the society we live in. There was a news story the other day of a 70,000 ring of online peado's being caught - think none of them hacked accounts for potential victims?

I've worked in IT for years and nonsense like this from parents puts kids at far more risk than they they realise when they are tied up trying to score points off the ex.

1. Web cam - at set times so both he and the kids can look forward to it - a fantastic idea!

Hi everyone. thanks for the responses.

Its not that he wants it secret as such, its just that things are not amicable at all, and he doesnt want the ex involved in the communication if at all possible. We believe the kids are being turned against us, and feel that the responses will be more restrained if the ex is "helping"

We tried phone calls in the past, but it didnt work. Barely even got a hello before being hung up on.

Ditto with set times, we just found that because they were asleep, had friends round, were going to friends, it was just manic.

DP is now working from home with computers, so he could have his email on all the time, so we thought it might be that if they had a web cam on it could be more of a pop in and out convo with him, he could see them play etc.

I meant to say, that with set times ex used to say no you cant do such and such cos daddy is phoning, which really upset the DC and made them even more reluctant to speak. She wouldnt rearrange cos she doesnt want to communicate with him and she says he makes a big deal of it, and because he "kicks off" if he misses one, and has threatened with court enforcement procedures, she wants to stick rigidly to the agreement.

court enforcement procedures?? can you explain that more? is there a court order?

you CANNOT expect what you've put in your last post. hideous!!!

he has his own contact??

Scatterbee - The first point I would make, and please don't take this the wrong way, is that you say "we tried" "we this" "we that". IIRC from one of your other threads, you were the OW. IMHO the best thing you can do is keep yourself as far out of this as possible. You really need to get the "we" out of it and let your DP deal with the ex-wife and the kids.

If I was the ex-wife and thought that you were involved I would flip my lid, not fair, but that's how I'd feel.

The kids are small, it's going to be hard to get them to sit down and phone or chat on skype. And they are very very young - they aren't going to be able to compose an email on their own, so the ex is going to be involved.

Sorry, but if your DP can't stick to the arrangements and misses times to call his kids then I wouldn't be very impressed either.

How much contact does your DP have with the DC's?

And BTW if your DP is threatening his ex-wife with court enforcement proceedings, then I do not blame her at all for sticking rigidly to the arrangements - is there a court order?

I am an ex-wife (who is amicable with the XH) and if you tried to pull that sort of stunt on me I would be so angry that I would make sure that all contact was rigidly stuck to whatever court order was in place.

Oh my god! I'm pretty outraged that anyone would think this is a good idea.

Does your DP even understand what he is asking for?

private email addresses unmonitored by the other parent??

How exactly is watching them play interracting with them via webcam? how does it benefit the children?

I'm all for webcamming - it works very well for littlemad who's 'father' buggered off moved to a different country but no way on earth would I just leave the webcam on - he did in fact suggest it to the Court who also threw it out as a suggestion.

They need to work on their communication as that appears to be the problem, your partner is putting a lot of responsibility on to the shoulders of his very young children to deal with the fallout of his relationship.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but for a million reasons related to the children's welfare not to mention Mums privacy it's totally inappropriate.

Tiff. Yes there is a court order.

What cant we expect? The emails and web cam? Or enforcement of court orders?

Im popping to the shop now but will be back.

I dont think it is at all reasonable to want to have a web cam into the other parents house left on. Far too intrusive - would you let her have one into yours???

At their age you cant stop a resident parent being involved in communication with his kids. They are far too young to have secret e mails etc. It may be they are just not that interested in following you partners agenda.

I hate to say it, but Daddy or Mummy on the phone is rarely as interesting as what is in front of a small child. Not mums fault, thats just the way it is. My ex has come to accept that sometimes the kids want to chat - sometimes they dont. I cant control this.

My kids have e mail and mobiles and are free to contact dad whenever they want to. They are a bit older 10 and 12, but TBH rarely call him without prompting - not because they dont love him - just because he isnt top of their agenda - thats how kids are.

In your situation it sounds like neither party is handling things well. If he is threatening her if things dont go his way, this really isnt going to help

What does the court order state? What contact is required by the court?

I've posted on your other thread - you have no chance of getting a web cam left on for an extended period of time.

You are being totally unrealistic in what you are asking for.

I get on well with my ex, but if this was suggested to me I would laugh - then tell him to take a hike!!

OP, you have posted other threads.

You were the OW.

Your DP is not bio-dad to one of the DC's and took himself off the birth certificate for that DC so does not have parental responsiblity for that child.

You should butt out and let your partner sort this out for himself.

If I was the ex-wife I would

-refuse to deal with you
-stick rigidly to whatever contact arrangements I was legally bound to do

that's it

Sorry, I know that sounds harsh but it's how I would be

OP on your other thread you state "having set times with the kids has been difficult as they lose interest after a few minutes so he stopped bothering"

So as a result of your DP not being ARSED to contact his kids, you want a webcam on all the time to his ex's house?

Are you serious?

Your partner needs to start putting the kids needs first. Lots of children's centres run parenting courses that can help him see things from the children's perspective instead of his own. Neither of you appear to have much understanding of small children.

From what you've said it seems the mother is the only one with any common sense and she's correct to stick rigidly to the court order, as you haven't shown the maturity needed for her to do this any other way. The court will have considered the facts and ruled in the kids best interests.

The contact you/he are suggesting here is not reasonable.

Firstly can you imagine having a webcam on in your house 24/7 so the ex can see what you're up to at any time (just coz she fancied a nose). That's basically what you're asking her to allow in her house. The fact that your ex and you think this is reasonable just shows how little consideration you have given to this or to his ex's feelings or entitlement to privacy.

Secondly the age of the children is not conducive to chatting, either by phone or skype and certainly not email. Are they profocient with a keyboard and do you seriously expect them to be able to log in, type a message to dad and send it without help from their mum!?
The fact you think they will sit and chat and that a set time will not cause issues when they may well have to be dragged to the phone/computer away from a game, tv etc is unrealistic. Your dh needs to be prepared for the children to not want to speak to him and not take it as a personal or blame his ex for that.

I have to persuade my ds that when he emails or writes to his Grammy than he needs to write about 3 different things. It's not often something he chooses to do, he has to be persuaded and actively encouraged. This is something I believe is important so I do it. He's 12 now and it's not got any easier. And I doubt in your case that his ex wants to waste her time doing this for him (because it is for him not the dc's he wants it).

You need to look at what other ways of staying in touch your dp can do that are child focused, age appropriate and don't expect a response or put presure of the dc to sit still chatting/typing and certainly not in keeping secrets from their mum.

So your dh could perhaps regularly write, perhaps with a short postcard or sending some stickers for them (every week or so), which is much more exciting to get than an email. He should pick fun pictures and easy language and keep it short. Bear in mind it will be his ex reading these to the dc more than likely.

He could also buy them note paper and stamps and put his address on the envelopes for them. Encourage them to write back or just to draw a picture for him and help them choose some funky pens or stickers to put on the envelopes (but expect the novelty to wear off quickly).

He could record some bedtime stories onto CD that he has read for them (again keep to short stories, not novels), or read to them on skype and do that at a time they will want to sit and listen (is in pj's and ready for bed.

But basically he needs to lower his expectation that they will want to do this or think it's their mother who is distracting them. And he also need to be sensitive to her if he wants her to encourage this kind of contact. They do have a life away from him and he can't expect to impinge on it just because it suits him.

Yes he took himself off the birth certificate. The child was not his and the bio father was getting involved. It hurt DP, dont know what that has to do with access.

He stopped ringing because it got so difficult. Its heartbreaking trying to ring your DC and constantly being told they dont want to speak to you. I dont know why that is a crime? If something is not working surely you try something else?

There is a contact order. DP sees the children once a month at the moment. It was weekly, then we moved and it went to fortnightly. Then there was problems with contact, there was none, and now its monthly. Court order says nothing about contact in between. DP is trying to think of something.

he needs to return to court for a variation then

why is he being so wishy washy over contact? why is he letting it go from weekly to monthly,giving up so wasily on phone contact (young children arent great with phones) so why is he not fighting more for what the order says???

did you move further away?