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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Emailing and the NRP

49 replies

scatterbee · 18/03/2011 08:50

Hi i am not a loan parent, but am after advice for my partner and thought it might be a good idea to get advice from here.

He is the NRP. He wants to set up an email address for his DC (5 & 7) so that they can email each other. He wants this private from his ex if possible. Also wants them to be able to instant message each other / web cam / skype if him and the DC are on at the same time.

She thinks that expecting them to email is daft. And that she has no objection to trying to webcam but it needs to be a set time, and its likely to be a brief moment before they race off, and she is not willing to have a webcam left on so he can see what they are playing / generally doing as thats an invasion of her house.

What are your views?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

StewieGriffinsMom · 18/03/2011 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 18/03/2011 19:27

Your DP needs to put himself out to have contact with his kids.

Why did contact fade from weekly to monthly?

How far away did your partner move from his child?

Your partner has no legal right to access to a child who is not his - that's what it has to do with it!

What were the "problems" with contact?

marcopront · 19/03/2011 04:12

My DD is 4. We live in a different country to her Dad (my choice but with his agreement). He phones her during the week and skypes at weekends. It is hard she frequently doesn't want to talk to him, or will listen to him and whisper her replies to me for me to say.
Even if she refuses to talk to him, he will still call back the next day.

Even at 5 and 7 any kind of conversation will be sporadic. When he is with them, does he expect them to sit down and talk to him without playing?

Original poster

scatterbee · 19/03/2011 15:23

Contact was originally 1 day per week.

Then when bio father got involved for child which is not DPs it went to fortnightly against DPs wants, but he was overruled by judge.

We then moved 25 miles away, and i work 1 sat in 4 and as DP cant drive its gone to monthly visits. Ex was not happy with this but has been advised its tough.

Problems with contact mainly centre around DCs not wanting to come. Weve had numerous upsets where they just wont come. DP told ex enough was enough and if she didnt make it happen instead of being wishy washy he would seek enforcement.

4 weeks is a long time to not communicate with the children, so we were trying to think of some way to communicate in the in between times.

Ex has flatly refused webcam now. She says DC dont want to reply (as evidenced by phone problems) so she thinks he should just send stuff to them, if they will reply she will get them to, but he should not expect it.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/03/2011 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 15:34

Can you not organise the contact so that it's on the weekends when you are available to take your partner?

Can your partner not catch a bus or train?

You only work one weekend in 4 that leaves 3 weekends when you could take your partner to his access.

On the other hand, he's a grown man, if he wanted to see his kid that much he'd not move so far away without thinking about access.

"ex has been told it's tough" - sorry I don't think I understand this. Are you saying that your partner is contravening a contact order in place by a judge? That your partner has basically told his ex to suck it up? Like it or lump it?

How can your partner seek enforcement against his ex in these circumstances? Can you not see how unreasonable your partner is being? Your partner needs to grow up and decide how much he wants to see his child.

If I was the ex I would tell you all to get your backsides back into court and let the judge decide on the evidence. Sporadic contact. Moves away. Gives up on phone contact. Wants invasion of privacy via webcam.

Can't you see how bad this is for the kids involved? Your partner needs to give his child contact on a regular ongoing basis with NO EXCUSES and he needs to be there every other week whether the kids turn up or not, if he does that then the judge will enforce the contact order - it's in a contact centre, why is that btw?

The contact centre will communicate with the judge if your partner's ex is being obstructive.

I have to say I think the problem lies with your partner not his ex.

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 15:59

Scatterbee - repeating myself again

Scatterbee - I've had a look on some of your other threads.

I'll give you a piece of constructive advice.

Concentrate on your own DD and improving your relationship with her so that she wants to spend time with you when you have access to her and leave your partner to worry about his kids.

Put your own child first and let the rest of them sort themselves out.

angrywoman · 19/03/2011 17:06

Web Cam in her home.... LOL you have got to be JOKING!!!
My ex has tried this little game of giving the kids email addresses with 'secret' passwords. My children told me them anyway, but this is just an example of his desperation to get some control. It won't sound good to the judge when we next go to court.

GypsyMoth · 19/03/2011 17:39

i cannot believe that the pair of you had the audacity to approach the school to ask for this email idea!!!! or was it the webcam too??

a school fgs and now i'nm confused,i must have read this on your other thread!! will go look

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 17:54

IloveTIFFANY - posted to you on the other thread

Original poster

scatterbee · 19/03/2011 19:31

ive answered on the AIBU thread. Seems i am being unreasonable so may as well keep it over there!

Just thought maybe someone could have offered something constructive which worked for them!

OP posts:

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 19:42

Scatterbee you aren't going to hear what you want to hear.

The constructive comments are basically for your partner to get off his bum and grow a set and act like a grown up.

Can't you see that?

Littlefish · 19/03/2011 19:46

Why can't your partner use public transport to see his children? 4 weeks is a long time between visits, I agree, but it's down to him to see them more often, particularly when they are so young.

I think your comment about "DP told ex enough was enough and if she didnt make it happen instead of being wishy washy he would seek enforcement" is outrageous.

He is the one causing the problems. He needs to find a way to see them more often.

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 19:47

Littlefish - there's an AIBU thread here <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1174216-Emailing-and-children/AllOnOnePage#24421897www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1174216-Emailing-and-children/AllOnOnePage#24421897" target="_blank">www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1174216-Emailing-and-children/AllOnOnePage#24421897www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1174216-Emailing-and-children/AllOnOnePage#24421897

Littlefish · 19/03/2011 19:56

Thanks.

TheAtterySquash · 19/03/2011 19:57

I am probably in your partner's ex's position (am in charge of dcs around the same age since he left to move in with OW). I thought he was an unreasonable wanker but he has never suggested anything remotely close to that. I would hate the idea of a web cam being left on (though they do use Skype and that is considerably more productive than the phone so v happy to allow that). But private email addresses? Are you crazy? Irrespective of what she may or may not be saying (and I concede I know nothing of the situation) you should be teaching all your children about staying safe online which does not, at the ages of 5 and 7, mean having secret email accounts - nor should you be teaching them to keep secrets generally. My dcs do have an email account but only I and their father know the password so we log on and tell them if the other parent has sent an email.

And (as I say I don't know your situation) as the "left wife" I would be beyond furious if I thought the OW was getting involved in this sort of things - if she thinks you're meddling that really wont help the situation.

silverfrog · 19/03/2011 20:10

I can completely understand the frustration of having a set phonecall time, only for the dc to be unavailable, called away to dinner, asleep, in the bath - whatever. dh used ot get this all the time.

BUT - it is still totally unreasonable of you to expect a webcam on 24/7 for your dp's cnvenience.

the most you could push for would be for skype to be logged in when they are at home, so that your dp could call as and when, rather than the set time being always "inconvenient" - same as a phone call as and when - to be answered if the children are about, but not if they are busy.

doesn't get aorund the interference factor though.

private email is an absolute no.

dh didn't even ask for this when he was seconded abroad, and his dc were then 11 and 12, and well capable of haivng a private conversation with their dad. in fact, even at that itme, the children were not allowed unrestricted access to email him - they were allowed ot respond once a week, supervised by their mum (have to point out there was NO reason why they had ot be supervised fo rthis, nor why it should have been restricted. dh is a good father, and always has been).

but for your dp to want to just have an insight into his ex's house at any time is totally unreasonable.

cestlavielife · 19/03/2011 21:21

why cant your dp dirve? is there a medical reason?

iven you have moved surely it would be good idea for him to save money for lesons and learn to drive?

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 21:27

cestlasvielife if you look the other thread, he can drive, he's banned for drink driving - the police pulled him over when he was hours late returning the kids who he had in the car with him at the time.

Snorbs · 19/03/2011 22:44

He got done for drink driving while he had his children in the car!!???!

Yet the OP's unable to understand why the mother of these children is now rather unwilling to bend over backwards to accommodate this man's demands requests? I'm not. He's an absolute bell-end.

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 22:45

Snorbs - it gets worse.

And worse.

Look the other thread - I can't even begin to explain it.

Snorbs · 19/03/2011 23:13

I've just spent the last fifteen minutes reading that very same other thread.

Wow. Just... wow.

OP, I'm not going to judge you for making what must have been a very difficult choice about leaving your daughter with her father. If you thought that was the best for her in the circumstances then I respect that and I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing problems with contact. You might want to give Families Need Fathers a call - they will readily offer assistance to women as well as men.

But your partner's life is an ongoing car crash and, honestly, I don't see it getting any better. He will drag you down with him. Please, in the name of all that you hold dear, don't have children with him. Please don't.

One question - is he still drinking?

Allalone0 · 19/03/2011 23:19

OP your partner seems to be behaving like a spoilt little child!!

What is worse is that it seems that he has you well and truly sucked in, believing that he is a 'poor, innocent, hard done by man' who is being mistreated by his Wicked, Evil Ex.

Its probarbly no use me or anyone telling you this, as it seems he has done his work on getting you to believe his story. Thats why you will not be able to see through him yet!
That is until you are able to look beyond what he WANTS you to believe.

He seems like the perfect Dominator, he wants to do his thing with you and still keep control over his ex, your better off getting away from now and staying away. Otherwise you will only regret it at a later stage....:-(

bochead · 20/03/2011 00:34

Those poor kids!

Your "partner", (can't think of him as more than an overgrown child who needs his arse kicked) needs to grow a pair, and face his responsibilities.

As for you Allone0 said it all for more diplomatically than I ever could.

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