What do you provide when your DC go to the other parents?

[CherylAnnTweedy]

I want xp to provide clothes for when the boys go to his. I have in the past asked him to do this, even to the point of buying some clothes for him to keep at his but they were just returned with him saying he didn't have space to keep them (it was just 2 pairs of pyjamas). He makes it seem I am making totally unreasonable demands of him.

The boys come back stinking from the huge amount that he and his mates smoke. So much so that it takes at least 3 washes (long ones with a pre-wash) to get rid of the stench.

I'm fed up with it and wanted to know if it is unreasonable to expect an ex to provide something for the children. Is it normal to have to provide everything for the children when they go?

Unfortunately SagaciousCloud due to being on legal aid I get the worst solicitor at the practice (I've tried several different ones) and all of them say the same thing. Basically it's not great, but it's 'only cannabis' . Plus as I can't prove that it's cannabis (his cannabis usage was one of the reasons I split up with him and the huge amount of debt that he got me into for his addiction) so I know that he does smoke it and I also know the smell only too well, but I can't prove it of course and there's nothing illegal about smoking so apparently the courts will do nothing and I run the risk of him being granted greater contact with them.

Cynical as I may be, I'm sure if I was able to employ the best solicitor in a practice I'd have supervised access at a contact centre arranged in a flash.

Urine tests for cannibis are v. sensitive, and your dc could have hair tested too... all will be evidence from a doctor of a child being exposed to cannibis, which is illegal, and can be presented to the courts, apart from putting his dc at risk

We've done urine tests on both a few times and each time have been negative. How do you get the hair tests done? Would a GP be able to do that or would it need to be done through a solicitor?

Oh good for you. I would assume that the doc would know how to go about the hair strand test.. but cannabis stays in the system for a long time, and so should show up if any is getting into their system... so I would feel reassured that you have had negatives so far? Although I would, like you, still be v. worried about the 'stench' of it on your dc. does he see them much, and therefore much of a risk to them?

Send DD in the clothes she's standing up in and nightwear for the following evening when she's returned home. Nothing else. DD sees XP fortnightly from Sat morn to Sunday eve and XP doesn't want anything he has for DD returning to my home. He prefers DD not to wear the clothes I send her in either and will quite often change her completely within 1hr of picking her up.

I pack a suitcase for 4 DCs every second weekend, including clothes for two nights and two days, plus toiletries, dvds, books, board games, cuddly toys and any sports gear anyone needs.

exH has a deck of cards for them at his place and he got them toothbrushes.

I don't actually want any of their clothes there. They need them at home. I wash everything on Sunday night when they get home.

But as SagaciousCloud says, the clothes are not the problem here. Have you tried WA for a referral to a solicitor? If you're afraid of him yo might be a candidate for their services. Or you could call the NSPCC and ask if they have any ideas.

ex used to keep everything they needed at his place but then he left the country; I told him he'd have to keep clothes for when they visited him during holidays, he refused, i just told him they'd be handed over in the clothes they stood up in, so if he didn't keep some clothes he'd have to go buy some. Then he decided he was only having the DCs during the summer, so I agreed to provide clothes cos anything he kept for them would be too small by the time he saw them again.

I took enough crap from him when I was living with him; I'm all done with it now. I just tell him what's going to happen.

I don't send anything and never have! I think if a child goes to his/her fathers he should provide just like we do when we have them.

I don't provide either. ExP has a basic kit for visits/sleepovers. toothbrush/paste, warm top, t-shirt, outdoor stuff/wellies. Sufficiently equipped for the duration of visits. some of his stuff gets her and mine there, but I send it back, cos its needed there and vice versa.
Can't believe how hard some fathers on here are finding it to just get a few basics for their own children! An appalling indictment of this group of men! Its not like they are going on holiday each week/visit, they now have a 2nd home, and it so immportant for them to feel that. My Ex did was pathetic to start with about keeping anything bought, at his, but this caused upset and difficult remembering what should be where, but thats got easier anyway as time and growth....

like others here tho do worry about children being put in harms way, or exposure to dangerous drugs.

I know that solicitors really are all so different that it does need investigating, and most will do a free initial consult. No reason you couldn't go set up many different ones to have the free consult and gather the different opinions. sounds like good advice to make contact with the group for women in fear of aggression.

God I thought X was pathetic not to be able to buy DD a pair of jeans when they stayed for the week in the summer (well, he did buy a pair - lovely, 2 sizes too small from Little-tarts-R-Us ). He is mostly lazy but has managed toothbrushes. It would never cross the vast, empty expanses of his mind to actually buy them clothes but what I send, I get back - tho he is apparently unable to distinguish between the clothes of a 6yo and 3yo and they frequently return in the wrong stuff. I reckon they like the anarchy of it all

the flat downstairs got raided by the police because they smoked canabis.... people complained. our electrician saw them in full riot gear going in. we got a letter froom the police saying they valued any more information.

just a thought.

shriek I've had pretty much the same reaction from all the solicitors I can use. I've seen a couple of really nice, helpful ones, but then they check xp's name & find a conflict of interest. Unfortunately ther are at least 4 solicitors in the city I can't use because he has used them for, I assume, criminal reasons. I also can't use the solicitors firm that my parents have used for the last 35 years as he deliberately used them for the assault charges when we split up.

changeforthebetter I know that feeling. I always send them with a bag of clothes each otherwise he can't work out what's what and doesn't seem to notice ds2 tripping over his trousers, trying to stop them falling down and ds1 with ankle swingers.

blackeyedsusan I've thought on many occasion about phoning Crimestoppers, but I've never thought they'd do much with it as I can provide very little info.

I would look up specialists in this area, that are in or around your district, and not only the ones you 'can' use, but the ones you can't aswell, just so that you get a bigger picture. A friend of mine was told time and again that she wouldn't have a 'case' against her ex and his inflated claim on their property; exhaustive searching turned up a solicitor that did have a different 'take' on the situation and won her battle for her. If you are in a city, there will be a much greater choice for you. People like the 'womens group' would also know better about sol's specialising in this area.
Amazing how clever these guys can be at manipulating the system! My friend's ex did exactly the same and used her family solicitor, so she had to go find another! Horrible! I am amazed that solicitors can do that when they have so much knowledge of the other party.

My two children both have thier own rooms at thier dads, with everything there that they have here, i wasnt willing for them to have to take bags of clothes etc with them everytime they stayed, as i wanted them to feel at home there aswell, luckily my ex husband agreed with me on this. any clothes from his house that they wear home, get washed and sent back and the same for things they leave there. However i would be more worried about the smoking, if it stinks on thier clothes that badly, then it must be excessive, and is certainly not doing the children any good.

Well having done some research and contacted the supplier the hair strand drugs tests are very unlikely to show anything up from passive smoking.

My ex has always expected me to provide everything. So our son goes to my exes with all clothes, towels, toiletries, basically everything a child needs (barr food and drink). My ex once called me up and told me that he had to buy nit lotion because my son had caught nits off of his half brother at exes house and he made me pay for it when he brought our son back.

With my step-son his mother does send him with his clothes and such like but we always have everything here for him should he need it.

I've never had the discussion with my ex over what I feel he should provide for our son because he would put the argument over our son and I don't think it is fair to him.

Can I ask those who don't provide much for DC to take with them, how often do they stay? My DDs only stay with their Dad every other weekend, and three 5 day/week long holidays a year.

As has been said here, I too send my DDs in cheap clothes as ex cannot be trusted to encourage them to take care of clothes etc, new sandals that are ruined the first day, filthy trainers that have been worn when obviously wellies were required, holes/stains in clothes etc. I know kids do this and it is normal, but it doesn't matter to him if he tells DDs to stop dragging their new shoes along the ground, he hasn't bought them! I even buy cheap clothes for the purpose of their contact visits. I tend to buy my children nice clothes (usually in the sales), that I don't want to be ruined.

I am starting to get a bit annoyed at buying extra clothes and shoes.

For the first weekend, I sent a enough clothes to last all weekend, toileteries etc. They came back with nothing -he 'told' me that he wanted half of their clothes at his and I was to send more the next weekend they stayed. So the clothes that I pay for were supposed to lie in a wardrobe at his for the two weeks between his access visits.
Eventually he let me have the clothes back (stll dirty) He refuses to buy clothes so I send enough for the weekend and get them back unwashed. He still sells himself as father of the year and the kids are oblivious so far.

Magicjamas...I am confused who pisses you off? I thought your post agrees with what most people are saying

Nothing now 'cos I never get them back!

Sorry Magicjamas, I read it too quickly thought you said, 'Op people like you piss me right off!!!!' I missed the 'ex'