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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

What do you provide when your DC go to the other parents?

54 replies

CherylAnnTweedy · 10/03/2011 11:56

I want xp to provide clothes for when the boys go to his. I have in the past asked him to do this, even to the point of buying some clothes for him to keep at his but they were just returned with him saying he didn't have space to keep them (it was just 2 pairs of pyjamas). He makes it seem I am making totally unreasonable demands of him.

The boys come back stinking from the huge amount that he and his mates smoke. So much so that it takes at least 3 washes (long ones with a pre-wash) to get rid of the stench.

I'm fed up with it and wanted to know if it is unreasonable to expect an ex to provide something for the children. Is it normal to have to provide everything for the children when they go?

OP posts:

ginnny · 10/03/2011 11:59

I pack their bags with clothes and they all come back to me (dirty!!). Ex doesn't keep any of their clothes at his - he uses the lack of space excuse too, but I think he just can't be arsed to wash them.
I would be quite concerned that the dc are subjected to that amount of smoke tbh, if their clothes are coming back that smelly. Ex smokes (and I used to) but only outside and never in the house around the dc.

Original poster

CherylAnnTweedy · 10/03/2011 12:09

I have brought up the concern re smoke to solicitors & SS on several occasions (it's not just tobacco). The response has always been "It's only cannabis". Last time I looked cannabis was illegal.

The doctors agree that it is severely affecting ds2's health - he comes back with a smokers cough, his tonsils are a right state, made worse by the smoke and his speech therapist also thinks his tonsils are causing his speech problems (he's only 5 so a few years yet until he can have them out). But this is apparently not enough to cause concerns for the courts. (I'm sure if I could afford to pay for a solicitor something would be possible, or maybe I'm just cynical!)

OP posts:

AllDirections · 10/03/2011 13:21

It took months of rows to get my XH to buy toothbrushes for the DDs to have his house!

Original poster

CherylAnnTweedy · 10/03/2011 13:34

Same here AllDirections. It was several times of going to his without a toothbrush and him getting at me over it before he eventually agreed to get them for them.

I was hoping for lots of responses saying that ex's do keep clothes etc at their house but sadly seems I'm not on my own at having to provide everything.

OP posts:

evolucy7 · 10/03/2011 13:48

I provide clothes for the night and next day which then come back with them. He has got toothbrushes. Before they were both potty trained he did ask me to provide a changing mat, I said no go and buy one.

Tortoise · 10/03/2011 13:52

XP provides anything DS's need at his. They only stay one night a week so don't really need a change of clothes (apart from underwear which he has) but i think he still has some that fit if need be. They also have toothbrush (which they rarely use at his ) and showergel for if they do stay longer.

elastamum · 10/03/2011 14:04

I buy all my kids clothes and send my kids with a bag with all the clothes they need. They are usually returned, usually dirty. I also pack for holidays, skiing with ex etc so I know they have everything they need and that it fits them. I hate the thought of them not having what is required.

Ex has toothbrushes and PJ's at his. Everything else comes from me.

NoodlesMam · 10/03/2011 15:41

My DSS has his own room, many sets of clothes (would never need to bring anything from his mums) toothbrush, toys etc etc. He has everything he would have if he lived with us full time and his dad and I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes we might share holiday clothes, that makes sense, so he gets the wear out of them. It has never occured to me that some Dads would say no to a toothbrush And the space excuse, what's that all about? There will always be space in our home for my DSS and any of his belongings he feels he needs to have with him. My DD1 doesn't see her dad but if she did and he treat her like that, like a visitor in his home I would be seriously and very very

Original poster

CherylAnnTweedy · 10/03/2011 16:30

Noodlesmam, that's what a sensible person would do. Yes, &

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 10/03/2011 16:38

They go in clothes, shoes and coats - and if they want to take any of their toys etc they do.
They have clothes at their dad's house, and plenty of toys etc.

We both buy them clothes (I probably buy more) and these go between houses - i.e. the kids go in whatever they are wearing (apart from Fri evenings when they change out of school clothes to avoid a build-up at his house) and come back in whatever they are wearing that day.

When either of us are taking them away we might ask the other for some spare clothes as it would be silly to buy more stuff when they have enough in total.

The primarily live with me, but they also have a home at their dad's house.

Youllskimmer · 10/03/2011 16:39

I think it depends on how much time the children spend at the other parents house. If they are 52 nights out of 365 I wouldn't see the point of doubling everything up.

If it's more 50-50 then yes they should have equal stuff at both houses.

And I suppose a sliding scale between.

WinterLover · 10/03/2011 17:18

DSD has her own room and about 2 weeks worth of clothes plus anything else she needs. She comes in a set of clothes, gets changed when she arrives (her mums decision) the goes back to her mums in the same set of clothes. She's with us 3 weekends out of 4 and half of holidays.

I'm at dads who don't provide stuff at there's.

fifi25 · 10/03/2011 17:23

I send the clothes along then when im running low i ask him to bring the stuff thats at his along. Its alway unwashed in a bag. Ive seen him wash the pj's they wear at his but the clothes always come back dirty.

AboardtheAxiom · 10/03/2011 17:25

I send DS with clothes for the next day (he stays begrudgingly one night a week), sometimes he takes a toy/dvd but he has toys and dvds there. Has toothbrush, and pjs at ex's too. I provide pull ups (DS has special needs and these are provided by the incontinence service), his dad cheekily asked me for wipes and I pointed out these were a toiletry like soap, toothpaste, etc and I expected him to have some at his house.

JohnBovi · 10/03/2011 19:01

When I was with xh dsd had her own room and I provided everything she needed- clothes, toys, books, toiletries. Apart from wanting to make it feel like her home too, it was easier as she always had the right clothes for whatever activity we were doing.

Now that dd goes to her Dads .... I provide everything,.

balia · 10/03/2011 20:11

DSS has all his own clothes here - but then we had to as his mother feels that things that come here are 'contaminated' so in the very early days handed him over wearing just a nappy. He goes back in clothes from here, DH drops him at his granny's, he gets undressed there - including socks and pants - everything is put into carrier bags and hidden until the next contact, when they are taken out and DSS is dressed in them again.

In fact, a number of times over the years we have had to take another full set of clothes because something has 'happened' to ours and we recently got a set back - 5 years later! Luckily they are now just the right size for DS!

AllDirections · 10/03/2011 23:13

My DDs have a few items of clothing at their dads house that have been bought by family and friends for birthday and Christmas but they're not allowed to be brought here. The DDs are very good at smuggling clothes into their bags ready to come home, hehe!

Original poster

CherylAnnTweedy · 11/03/2011 16:44

Balia, how ridiculous!

Thank you everyone for your replies but unfortunately I'm still none the wiser as to what I should do. I don't think its unreasonable for him to keep clothes at his for his sons to wear and then wash for the next time but I know he would see it as me trying to make life difficult. I know the answers I would get - not enough money to buy clothes for the boys, and if I buy clothes to be kept at his they would just be returned as before. But one things for sure, I simply can't carry on this way as I'm unable to do any other washing until Tuesday or Wednesday which is far from practical for a family of 5.

I only wish I wasn't so scared of him, I've got myself into a right old state about asking him to do it and just ran away from him without bringing it up at all when I dropped them off just now.

OP posts:

fifi25 · 11/03/2011 17:40

I would just leave it if its going to cause a big argument. My friend sends her kids to their dads with jeans with holes in, faded tops, budgie pants and knackered trainers after he kept all the clothes she bought. He soon got the meassage (probably after having to walk around with them lookin like tamps) and bought some clothes

mypandasgotcrabs · 11/03/2011 18:47

I send them in their scabbiest clothes tbh, knees almot worn through, too small, broken zip etc (mostly because I don't want their decent clothes ruined) but he doesn't seem bothered. Probably because he never leaves the flat with them so it doesn't matter what they look like.

jumpforjoy · 11/03/2011 20:39

I don't send too many clothes with DD as they all come back smelling of smoke as well.

When they first went to Ex he wanted me to provide everything, but now he does provide a toothbruch for her. Although I do have to send deodorant and hairbrushes!

I had the same excuse about not having enough room storing any of their clothes. DD doesn't like going to her dad's as he doesn't/hasn't made it feel likd home for her. When she is there she feels like a lodger at best, intruder at worst.

I know there are some decent fathers out there. My bf provides nightwear and underwear for his children and all toiletries they need. His home is there home.

I wish my DD felt like that at her dads &

everythingchangeseverything · 15/03/2011 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2blessed2bstressed · 15/03/2011 14:40

DPs dds have clothes, toothbrushes, make-up remover wipes and my old straighteners here. Their mum kicked up a huge fuss about it to start with and demanded that clothes we bought should come home with them, but we resisted as before then, anything we bought them disappeared and we never saw them wearing it again, and they still arrived every weekend as others have said, in things that were too small/tight, or were just worn through.
I think it makes it feel more like home rather than being visitors if they've got their own stuff in their own room here.

SagaciousCloud · 15/03/2011 16:07

I'll be honest here - I don't think your problem is whether or not your ex provides clothes. This is not the battle that needs fighting.

I'd be going ape shit over cannabis usage in front of my kids. And if this and tobacco smoking was affecting my kid's health in the way you describe, then I would be doing everything in my power to ensure that wasn't happening.

KnickersOnOnesHead · 15/03/2011 17:32

Mine get sent with a spare pair of clothes and a pair of pjs. And get brought back dirty.

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