She Came!

[wirral]

This is a continuation of my previous thread. I just want to update the lovely people who have shown me so much support. Thank you all!

Ex husband said I could have daughter from between 5pm and 6pm on Friday. I realise that I am not allowed to pick her up from school for some reason but accept my fate.I was really busy in work but managed to plan to leave at 4.30pm - I travel for an hour so texted ex husband to say I would be there for around 5.30pm. He left it 15 minutes and then texted to say the 6.30pm was more convenient as they were running late! I could easily have worked an extra hour if he had let me know!

Anyway, I digress. Daughter arrived 6.30pm . Ex husband walked her to door and decided to ask if I was going to go out with them when daughter gets her exam results in March. As he asked in front of her, I had to agree - although would have agreed to anyway but am just irritated that he put me on the spot in front of daughter.

More importantly, I THINK we had a good time. We went out for tea with friend. I got Desperate Housewives on DVD and we had lazy girly day the next day watching that, eating choc and drinking coke! I dropped her off 6.30pm on Saturday night.

I pick her up tomorrow at 6.30pm (or at least that is the current plan). So far so good.

I've seen a music festival that I think we would both like in July. I am keen to go as it is one of those things I'd like to do before I die - I've never been to a festival before. I bet she'd love to go. Am going to run it by her when I pick her up tomorrow. I think friends would like to come as well. I'll book it if she agrees.

I still get the feeling that she sides with her Dad against me (I think she texts and emails him when with me) but small steps.

I'm trying hard to accept that she wants to live with her Dad. And trying to fit my role into her life at the same time.

Thanks again for all the advice. I think I'm getting there .... wherever "there" may be!?

X

so pleased to hear you have shared good times. thats wonderful news.

I reckon its completely part of the 'kids kit' to try to play parents off against each other, but most are ready for that and manage to out smart most manipulations and don't worry about the others. However, there are a lot of indicators all pointing towards the same possible issue here from what you've said. that she is somehow feeling responsible for supporting her dad emotionally. it maybe that you could have this conversation with him to check that out. these things happen often without any intent on the parents part, but children see upset parents and feel responsible for making them better. your dd knows he wants her around all the time and is fighting with you to keep her with him. obviously drawn only from the points you have made and not there so you know better than any what is really going on.

You could ask him if he thinks she is spending time worrying about his happiness, and HIS need to be with her, hence continued emails/text/facebook comment, and the negative reporting - it is 'fixing' something, or getting the 'right' response somewhere.

Again so pleased it happened for you, and will be happening again every week :) brilliant and so happy for you.

It will all come with time and growing closeness, have faith now you have established at least a Friday night pattern of good times together.

take care

you are making this happen. Just remember that old saying 'where theres a will, theres a way' and you are finding it :)

Sorry, come very late to this thread. Just wanted to give you a bit of a longer term view....my DHs situation with one of his DSs sounds very similar to what you are going through at present - in fact his DS1 refused to see him for a while. He kept doing exactly what you are: keeping the channels open, not pressuring DS for more, not getting into any spats with XW. Just steady, reliable, dependable normality. Both DSs now grown up and he has a really good relationship with the DS who didnt want to see him. The XW relied on DS1 as the 'man' in the home (she even told me that herself) despite his being a child, and maybe your DD feels that she has to take your place with XH in a similar way, hence her loyalty to him?

Just wanted to say keep going, bite your tongue if you have to, keep being a secure and loving Mum and it will get better.

That's good news about the Fridays Wirral.

I'd just echo what others have said, keep going with kind but firm and some fun things to do.

Think the idea that there is more to her texting/FB Dad than meets the eye rings true - but don't whatever you do bring it up with DD. But you could talk to X if he's amenable.

Take care x