She Came!

[wirral]

This is a continuation of my previous thread. I just want to update the lovely people who have shown me so much support. Thank you all!

Ex husband said I could have daughter from between 5pm and 6pm on Friday. I realise that I am not allowed to pick her up from school for some reason but accept my fate.I was really busy in work but managed to plan to leave at 4.30pm - I travel for an hour so texted ex husband to say I would be there for around 5.30pm. He left it 15 minutes and then texted to say the 6.30pm was more convenient as they were running late! I could easily have worked an extra hour if he had let me know!

Anyway, I digress. Daughter arrived 6.30pm . Ex husband walked her to door and decided to ask if I was going to go out with them when daughter gets her exam results in March. As he asked in front of her, I had to agree - although would have agreed to anyway but am just irritated that he put me on the spot in front of daughter.

More importantly, I THINK we had a good time. We went out for tea with friend. I got Desperate Housewives on DVD and we had lazy girly day the next day watching that, eating choc and drinking coke! I dropped her off 6.30pm on Saturday night.

I pick her up tomorrow at 6.30pm (or at least that is the current plan). So far so good.

I've seen a music festival that I think we would both like in July. I am keen to go as it is one of those things I'd like to do before I die - I've never been to a festival before. I bet she'd love to go. Am going to run it by her when I pick her up tomorrow. I think friends would like to come as well. I'll book it if she agrees.

I still get the feeling that she sides with her Dad against me (I think she texts and emails him when with me) but small steps.

I'm trying hard to accept that she wants to live with her Dad. And trying to fit my role into her life at the same time.

Thanks again for all the advice. I think I'm getting there .... wherever "there" may be!?

X

I'm really pleased for you Sounds like you went to loads of effort and had a wonderful time together!

That's great news Wirral - you sound much more positive. I'm really pleased for you

Bump

Ahh, that does sound more positive!

Well done Wirral, really pleased for you.

If X puts you on spot just calmly say you'll discuss it later with your DD and let him know.

Don't let texts to Dad get to you - rise above it! Remember you are DD's one and only Mum!

(PS remember the stories of when she was a baby idea? What about getting one of those photo frames that take several photos and 'just happen' to be going through photos of her as a baby/toddler next time she comes. Use it as an entree to talking about her as a baby and your own childhood. This will achieve perspective and remind her of her unique ties to you.)

PPS Have you been able to sort any proper access arrangement?

Thanks all.

Pickgo, daughter is coming tonight for 2 nights!! I am definitely going to try the photos idea. Thanks for the idea. Have got lots that we can trawl through.

Also good advice regarding being put on the spot - that's exactly how I felt. I'll try to remember to calmly reply.

No news regarding proper access arrangements. It is a bit difficult this week as it is half term. I think the best thing to do is to, hopefully, show both daughter and exh that she has a good time with me and then tackle the future arrangements when she gets back to school.

Fingers crossed.

Thanks all again for the advice
x

Hope it all goes well, slowly is often surely x

Fab news! I hope things continue to improve and the music festival sounds like a great idea.

She's been here last two nights. I've been able to have her as her Dad has booked to go away and play golf for the two days.

I tried Pickgo's idea of photos and put on a video of her when she was younger - first Christmas, first New Year, birthday, holiday etc. Daugther not really interested and ended up emailing her Dad to talk to him. I saw a message from her to him on Facebook saying something along the lines of "got to go as Mum is getting suspicious of me talking to you" - I don't mind her talking to him and ask if she'd like to phone him etc when she's here.

It's her theatre show this week. Her Dad, girlfriend etc were going on first night - I'm going 2nd night. Now it transpires noone is going on her first night as he left it too late to get tickets.Daughter claims that she doesn't mind - But I mind the fact that noone is going.

I don't mean to malign exh. I just feel as though he and daughter are combining forces against me and I don't understand what he's doing that is so much better than me!

Not sure if this measage makes sense, I am just trying to make sense of things myself and am really struggling. Am lost

Oh sorry Wirral that that idea fell flat. You do sound like you are doing all you can and X is being a bit of a twat. If her Dad has let her down re the tickets and first night and she claims not to mind, what can you do?

I'm sure the penny will drop for DD eventually. In the meantime really try to stay positive - it would have remarkable if you'd seen a big difference so soon. Just keep at it, firm but kind, keeping some fun element to her visits and being kind to yourself.

Hope you enjoy the show.

Thanks Pickgo. I am just at a loss. I did think your idea was good.

When I went to pick her up ex and daughter had prolonged goodbyes which started at door and carried on to car - lots of hugs and kisses.

First night we went out with my Dad and a family friend. We were fortunate enough to meet school friends so daughter and I spent evening back at their house and then went to cinema with them the next day.

Daughter had left herself logged into facebook (which she has blocked me from) and I saw a message from her to her Dad saying that she hadn't done anything whilst she was with me.

I am really broke so had rented out Desperate Housewives DVD box set and we did facepacks and pjs one of the days.

Am just so tempted to back off but will try to keep going. Am currently asking ex to agree to every Wed overnight and every other weekend for my contact with her but he won't agree to weekend bit as he works 2 weekends on run. Am trying to get him to agree that I have her both the weekends he's not working.

Am just so lost with all this. Trying to look on bright side but not finding much to go on at moment hence the moaning on here!

Work tomorrow - which will take my mind of things for a bit at least

Thanks all x

Apparently exh won't agree to regular contact unless daughter agrees to it as well. Since they are both a combined force against me at the moment, I just give up!Tearful again.

Her profile pic on facebook has been a professional photo of her and her Dad but she's just changed it tonight to one of her and his girlfriend's daughter.

Wirral - sorry not read your previous post but it sounds like you are beating yourself up and trying to compete with a dad that has been a prominent role in your daughters life. Step back if you can - dont read Facebook just concentrate on finding out what your daughter would like to do when with you ....tiny steps will build up a good strong relationship - your daughter is bound to feel that enhoying spending time with you may have a negative affect on her dad - so she feels pulled in two directions - so give her space

You are doing well and it must have been good to have your dd to stay.

i would be tempted to say " well you know I would love to have regular contact with you dd and It would be really great if you can coem and stay when your dad is working and on a wednesday for tea. Now I shall leave it up to you to be welcoem to visit .

Possibly say it in front of her dad so you tell both of them at the same time.

Then leave it.

sorry to say but fb, the status that you hadn't done anything - well you had done stuff but your dd isn't telling her dad what she has done and there is a bit of playing the game in that one she is playing you of her dad and visa versa

Plainly state what you would like to both and then sit back and wait.

Don't bad mouth her dad anywhere but here, try not to nose about and then it will not upset you.

Don't forget you are a good mum

Hi Wirral! what great news, that you and your DD had some decent time together. You and her had fun, together and with friends. :) Keep it up! and try hard (as you are) to just ride over the other stuff.

It does sound from the previous postings that exH is rather immature emotionally, and I would suggest that it is extremely difficult fo ryour daughter to feel independent of him, and possibly somewhat responsible for his feelings. My DD has said to me in the past about not wanting her dad to get cross with me because of her, and she has never ever been led to believe anything but the opposite, but during a recent incident she got very worried about how he could get angry with me because of something that had happened. Obviously I made things very clear again about it being 'his' anger and nothing to do with me or her. I only say this as a very clear example of their worries/thinking.

Focus on talking to him (or emailing if thats more straightforward), about your plans with her, and him not gatekeeping about it. It has got out of balance, and needs to settle into a more balanced schedule. She needs a proper break from him when she's away, and personally I think it sounds unhealthy that she feels such a need to keep texting/facebook whilst away from him. Is she worried about him being upset if she doesn't (its a pressure that mustn't exist, and from what you say, I wouldnt be surprised if it did).

Try to stay focussed on her in all of this, it will help to distance some of the stuff that you have been taking more personally. She might only be acting in this way as she's struggling to relax about him. Its not personal, and then it won't feel so difficult to deal with.

I know that when I expressed worries at school about my DD during our separation she was immediately offered counselling within the school to talk over feelings about the split/current situation, etc. Your daughter might benefit from this. A chance to talk freely with someone unrelated to the situation?? Mine didn't want to take it up, but children often just don't realise things are difficult for them, or that they shoulnd't be under certain pressures.

Books are great, and discussions opened with other friend/kids about their 'separations'. Give her some perspective.

Hopeyou can find some useful/helpful words in here to give you a boost and a way through what, is often, easy to get into a tangle over.

take care.

BTW I totally think that you should keep applying the pressure for the regular schedule, so that routine and acceptance of it can be established and immediately remove a lot of the stress going on all around.

Also, for want of a better term, 'its broken and needs fixing' I say that in the sense that your relationship with your daughter is suffering in all the tangles, and does need you to keep acting in the same way to get the lovely relationship back that you shared before all this rubbish started :)

Exh says I can have her overnight every Friday. Obviously I'd like her more often but maybe it's a start. He says she feels "awkward" staying with me.
Still not fab but better than I have at the moment.

Thanks again
x

it is great news that you are already 1/7th of the way there!:) (or rather 1/3rd if you're after half the weekish) just a couple more visits and you'd had evened things out so much better.

I reckon its a bit strange, to say the least, that he reckons she really feels 'awkward' about staying with her own mum!!! Email and ask him what he thinks is behind this awkwardness, and that you will need time to work this out with her.

Call his bluff and ask him how he would like to help her to overcome it????

Again,he is not her gatekeeper.

Keep going Wirral. R u doing better now?

Oh wirral.

Can't not say

Hope it works out. Slowly slowlu catchee monkey.

Thanks both.
Exh says that he doesn't know why she feels awkward. I tend to believe she is saying this as I have seen emails she's sent her Dad saying she isn't having a good time with me.
Off to see her in show tonight with her Grandad and my friend. Daughter is coming back with me but won't guarantee thaat she will stay the night and apparently says she will only stay if her Dad takes her to show tomorrow.

We'll see. Slowly slowly.... I know.

Still I guess, good days and bad days. In fact the days are so much worse after I have seen daughter - hence the blip this week.

Get half term over and see if we can settle into some sort of routine when she's back at school

Thanks again x

I'm not convinced atall about these emails she sends him. Ask yourself why she is doing this?

As regards her 'demands' over staying if her dad falls in line, wouldn't be up for discussion with an 11 yr old in all the families I know of. It all sounds a bit too like the child having the run of their parents to me. Not good for her. Agree the rules between you for her to stick to. and when I say 'rules' I mean having respect for plans and others, the same as any of us would socially.

I think you have been going slowly and steadily, but it isn't good for her all the time she is having 2 adults at her behest (thats not entirely clear I guess unless its cleared up with her Dad).

You are doing well against very difficult challenges, keep in mind the super relationship/good times you have shared together, and this is all you are wanting to reclaim. Sharing memories of these with your DD be good too.

take care

Wirral keep going, you are doing so well! I think you are amazing for being strong enough not only to get through this but to be doing so well at it! My dd would definitely remember that her Mum was the only one that went to her show.

I wonder if the other posters are right, typical teenagers try to play parents against each other but without really thinking it through and realising what they are doing. When I was a teen I had friends that would say things like 'if I tell my Dad my Mum did x then he will do y'. I genuinely don't think you should be upset by it.

It's huge for everyone but keep doing what your doing and stop torturing yourself with fb!

Thanks again. Just got back from her show, after going for tea with my Dad and 2 x friends and daughter.

Daughter very happy to see one of my friends and is now staying overnight with me. She wants me to get her Dad to take her to her matinee tomorrow (it is so much nearer my house than his). He is happy to take her but doesn't know what time she needs to be there. 2 x questions, first one is why on earth does she want her Dad to take her a 2 minute journey to show ?and second - why on earth doesn't he know what time she nees to be there?

Sorry - I really do appreciate all the advice. I'm trying to tell it how it is because I have absolutely no idea what I am supposed to do.

At least whatever happens, she is coming to stay with me next Friday!

X

Hi Wirral - So glad that you had a nice time with DD yesterday.

Agree with posters who say DD seems to be playing you & exH against each other & it is fairly normal pre-teenage behaviour (can remember doing it myself - or at least trying to)& my parents were together. Difficult for you because your exH is not willing to put the necessary boundaries in place to deal with it. Your exH may be happy to give into DD's demands at the moment but I can't help thinking that has to have a limited shelf life. Not only might it wear thin for him, but it occurs to me that his GF might not be 100% happy with him constantly pandering to his DD's whims. For example his agreeing to take your DD to the show when you could & would have easily have done it, would break up a day off that he would probably be spending with GF & DD. I'm sure most reasonable people wouldn't mind if it was something important but it isn't - it's a whim. Keep pushing for boundaries / structure - hopefully it'll sink in at some point.

You have come a very long way since your first post - you have done so well. Have you got any nice stuff planned for yourself before you get DD back on Friday?

By the Way - my exH is just the same re: arrangements (ie not knowing the time of the show)& tbh I've heard most of my Mum friends complain of the same thing whether they are LP or in couples ..