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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Taking Ex to Court

42 replies

tattymouse · 25/01/2011 17:28

Hello

I've been sharing the care of my son for five years with my ex. For four years I've been planning to take my son for a year to Spain. A plan which my ex has known about since the beginning. He always said I could go although he's expressed that he's unhappy with the idea. I for my part have promised to rent a three bedroomed flat so he can come and stay when he wants. I've offered to pay for some flights and said it will only be a year. All this I've said I would write down and get witnessed by a lawyer. The trip is planned for August: I've done a TEFL course so I can work, I've found an English speaking school that I will pay for and I've got my company to agree to giving me a year off. With only months to go my ex has said I can't go. I know it would be a big wrench for him as he looks after him three days a week. But it would be a great adventure for my son and me. My ex won't budge so I am thinking of taking him to court(only £200) if I represent myself. Has anyone done something similar? Any advice would be gratefully welcome. Tatts

OP posts:

compo · 25/01/2011 17:30

I really wouldn't
I feel so sorry for your ex
you can follow your dreams when your son is older

bratnav · 25/01/2011 17:36

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bratnav · 25/01/2011 17:38

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Original poster

tattymouse · 25/01/2011 17:42

I accept that it is difficult for him but I had a similar experience when I was young and it was the best year of my childhood. And 8 is a great time to learn a new language which is why I've waited so long. And my ex hasn't refused before even though he's know about it for four years! I don't see why my son should be denied this experience because his parents are split up. As it happens my ex thinks he's doing me a favour for letting me take my son to the US for a week!

OP posts:

bratnav · 25/01/2011 18:07

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pickgo · 25/01/2011 19:35

I too think he may not have bothered objecting in the last four years because your plan wasn't certain.
I too also think that this is unfair on your ex and your DS. As Bratnav says, how would you feel if you left DS with the ex and just saw DS every few months?
I think this plan is entirely unreasonable and a favourable (to you) outcome of going to court very uncertain.
Think you're just going to have to sacrifice this plan for now in the better interests of your son's relationship with his dad.

evolucy7 · 25/01/2011 21:49

I would go and get some free legal advice, those who are saying you will lose do you have experience of a court's view on this?
I actually think that it is a valuable experience for your son, what does your son think about it? How often had your ex said that he would want to come out before he said he no longer liked the idea?

JustForThisOne · 25/01/2011 22:24

yes but he should not have agreed in principal for long time
OP has carefully planned every single aspect
she has also offered to accommodate for father
They are only going to Spain no PapuaNewGuinea
Father could also take more holiday and spend fantastic time with son over there
OP please speak to a good lawyer after all the time and energy you invested into your project it is well worthy to pay for sound professional advice and court if you stand a chance at winning

I hope so. This type of experience in the life of a child are such fantastic opportunities and a gift. Father should be happy and more supportive. One year goes fast

Niceguy2 · 25/01/2011 22:46

Given your ex has your son 3 days a week, you consider him a good dad. Just a lousy partner.

Ok, let me suggest this instead. You go to Spain for the year and let your son live with your ex instead.

You go and pursue your dreams. Son can live in the same environment he's used to. Win-win.

Given you've offered to fly your ex out to visit, you can use the same money on yourself to come back and visit instead.

What could be simpler?

Niceguy2 · 25/01/2011 22:52

Father should be happy and more supportive.

KittyLit · 25/01/2011 23:03

As your ex is so involved with your son, personally I'd wait until your DS is older, say 11 or 12 (but before he starts his GCSEs), then he can make his mind up fully about whether he wants to go or stay with his dad. Just because you did this when you were younger doesn't mean your DS has to - we can't re-live our lives through our DCs. Also your circumstances might have been different - did you leave your dad behind for a year?

Either that or wait until your DS has left school and is maybe at Uni or travelling himself, then go. I missed out on gap year travels when I was younger, so have a vague plan to have a grown-up gap year when my DS (currently 4) is much older. Maybe plan for that instead?

bratnav · 25/01/2011 23:31

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JustForThisOne · 26/01/2011 00:05

Niceguy
what gave you the impression OP wanted to go off to Spain to pursue her own goals? She wants to give DS a beautiful experience and a great treat. I agree that 8 is a great age, I would not want to risk screwing last year at school 11 before moving on to secondary with being away.
XP should have spoken his mind before, such projects need careful planning, surely she is not acting on a whim

OP I want to come to!!! Where about in Span ?

JustForThisOne · 26/01/2011 00:05

Spain even

JustForThisOne · 26/01/2011 00:08

KittyLit some dads go away for a year because of work, that doesnt make them automatically bad father or are going to forget or damage their children are they?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 26/01/2011 00:10

OP would you be paying for all your EXes expenses in travelling to see his son as often as he wants?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 26/01/2011 00:12

my children would hate to be away from me for a year. i cant imagine why he needs to be in spain to learn spanish and why it is more important than him seeing his dad.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 26/01/2011 00:27

There is nothing more important than keeping the same going- he needs both of you

You would be wrong to force the issue. It's 'shared' parenting for a reason.

Ask yourself an honest question - if he said he was going to take him to Spain for a year and you could visit -would you genuinely be fine with that ?

If you would then by all means push it. I suspect you wouldn't which means that you think you know better with regards to your child than his father does.

You will need to learn to genuinely come to terms with shared parenting.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 26/01/2011 00:29

He doesn't ' look after him 3 days a week' - he parenting with you.

You are the problem here.

Original poster

tattymouse · 26/01/2011 10:46

What your talking about is semantics...

When I went away it was with my dad but we didn't see him much because he was working all the time. Part of wanting to go away isn't simply for 'selfish' reasons, it's because I want to spend more time with my son - pick him up and drop him off at school everyday (I would work part time) and have some fun as opposed to looking after my son and having all the usual stresses of everyday life.

I see this as an opportunity for both of us before he has to focus more on his school work.

What would happen if his dad or I fancied a job elsewhere in the country? In fact I was offered something elsewhere and turned it down because I didn't want him to be away from his dad. This is a temporary situation.

I held of telling my son for a long time but ironically told him a couple of weeks ago - he's very keen especially as we plan to go to Barcelona and he's a big fan of the team.

I find that when my son is with me he doesn't even appear to think about his dad - he's just living in the here and now. It's the same when he's at his dads. He never says he misses me and never tells me he's missing his dad. Oh and there's SKYPE which means he could see his dad every day. Times have changed and maybe life should too....

OP posts:

JustForThisOne · 26/01/2011 11:01

have you spoken again to xp? may be it is worthy to speak to him again and be proactive about it, make suggestion on how it could work
ie you could take ds back to uk for any school break (shame really cause going to la playa would be much more fun)
you can offer to pay half of xp trips to barcellona and have him as a guest (bet his oh will love that)
regular skype contact
keep him update with all ds progress
offer to fly gardparents over (god I am been nice today)
and so on.........

I bet DP is only jealous, normally people are if you are going to have a good time while they are stuck in their routine
(which I think it may be why some posters here wave the rule book)

JustForThisOne · 26/01/2011 11:02

is 8 yrs old to young to be put on a flight by himself?

houseproject · 26/01/2011 11:42

Difficult one - whatever the rights or wrongs of the actual situation I think you need to get agreement from the father otherwise you will create hostility if the dad feels disregarded and that will affect joint parenting and WILL have a long term impact on your son.

If you have a reasonable relationship with the father and good contact arrangements you are doing the very best for your son. Please do seek a compromise and put yourself in the dad's shoes as you consider alternatives.
An example might be 6months in Spain and 6 months in the UK with the father.
If you go to court you are best to have sought mediation first and you should consider that courts will make a judgement that may give an outcome you don't want. There is a a risk with court as ultimately you both have to abide by the ruling - whatever it is.

Whilst your son doesn't activley appear to miss his father (& I believe most children don't share that with the other parent as they are sensitive to the situation) you should be aware that in a new environment and without regular contact your son might feel differently.
Another thought to help with ideas on compromise - if you were in a relationship and your partner (who you cared about) and he didn't want to go how would you handle that situation?

Niceguy2 · 26/01/2011 12:27

Tattymouse. What would you say if the shoe were on the other foot?

Let's say your ex said to you tomorrow "I'm taking DS to live in for a year. You can come for visits though."

What would you say? And what would the mums here be saying? I have no doubt it would be "OMG what a unreasonable wanker. Deny him access in case he does a flit with DS"

Yet you are asking, no telling your ex that this is what you want and expecting him to wave you off with a cheery smile?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 26/01/2011 12:39

"Part of wanting to go away isn't simply for 'selfish' reasons, it's because I want to spend more time with my son - pick him up and drop him off at school everyday (I would work part time) and have some fun as opposed to looking after my son and having all the usual stresses of everyday life. "

sorry but that is selfish, because it will be you spending more time with your son at the detriment to his relationship with his dad.

why should you get more time with him than his dad? what makes your time with him more important than his dad's time with him?

and if you still dont believe it is selfish, will you agree to his dad doing teh same thing the year after or even a couple of years after? will taht be ok so that he gets his year with his son?

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