Should I tell my baby's father to do one?

[LittleBeth53]

My son's father left us when I was 12 weeks pregnant. He came back 6 months later.

He said he had feelings for me but then got back with an ex 9 weeks before my son was due.

His gf proceeded to send email after email over and over calling me every name under the sun. I've never even met her.

He broke up with her 4 weeks before the birth of my baby and has spent the last 4 months with me and my son. He has just left us again for the same ex girlfriend.

He loves my son but pays nothing. He's a trainee teacher and keeps saying he'll pay up when he's in a better financial position, he'll pay for my son when he gets a better job, blah blah.

When I think of these things he's saying about not being able to afford it, but then knowing he's taking his girlfriend out to dinner and a movie instead of paying for his son, it makes me seethe with anger.

Him, his girlfriend and all their friends are going on a fun group foreign holiday this summer. But oh wait a minute....I thought he was living on scraps? That's why he couldnt pay child support.

My son will grow up seeing daddy buying a bicycle once a month or a swing set once a summer, he's already talking about getting him an iphone and he's only 4 months old! Prat!

An iphone doesnt keep my baby fed.

My son will see a treat once a month but he won't see mummy paying the bills and putting clothes on his back and making sure he gets enough to eat, paid dental treatment and paying for him to join clubs, legoland etc.

He'll hate me for being tight, strict mum and love fun cool dad.

He's not on the birth cert and his gf is forbidden to be within 20 feet of me, my son or any of our family as she's sent that many offensive insulting threatening messages, she was prosecuted for harassment.

Should I just be done with him already? I'm exhausted.

x x x

What has it got to do with his GF?? Contact the CSA and get some maintenance. But no, do not stop your ex from seeing his son. That is not fair on your son.

Seek legal advise from CAB about the eejit GF threatening you.

Sorry you are having to cope with this so soon after having a baby.

I always heard crap things about the CSA which is why I've not gone down that route yet. Everybody I know says don't do it.

The GF is clearly insecure, or jealous of my son, I don't know. I start getting emails, 8 emails in total telling me that I "have to" forget the past, that I need to "pull my act together" & just let the guy be involved, that I'm not thinking about whats best for my baby because if I was, I'd let the baby's dad be actively involved & that I'M the one who has made this situation far worse than it needs to be. After the 8th one I politely & firmly sent her an email back asking her to please mind her business as my baby is between me & the father. I asked her not to patronise in instructing me on how to handle this situation when I don't know her & I've never met her & to please stop emailing me.

She flipped out! She called me a "spoilt, selfish, patronising, self involved little psycho brat," she said that she "feels sorry for R in having to have a baby with me for the rest of his life as I'm a total user who's done nothing but use him," and that I "never meant anything to him, she's always been the one whilst I was never even a blip on his radar."

She's been warned by police to stay away from me and my son.

Contact CSA, I bet your ex has some bursary - ha can pay maintenence!

The CSA are indeed shite, yes, but it seems like you have little option They certainly will not make things worse for you. you could at worst, end up like me, and still be waiting 7 years later for your money. But you will not be any worse off than you are now.

im in the exact same situation!

read my thread and what people said (and lol at the bit where the girlfriend hijacks the thread )

ive told him that im moving away to be nearer my parents and although ill never stop him being a part of the babys life it has to be him that makes the effort.
its so hard and frustrating but youve just got to let them get on with it and make the most of being a good mum :) your DS will be able to make his own mind up when hes old enough and if you give his dad every chance to be involved without being a door mat to him then your DS will see it :)

ignore that bitch, theres some truely vile people around xx

my thread!!

Go to the CSA for your ds's money. You may have to nag and phone them a lot, but if he's a trainee teacher he's likely to be being paid via PAYE which makes things a lot easier in so far as getting money from him.

The money is for your child. He is entitled to it and it's not for yout, it's for your son. If your ex is not giving it willingly then that is all you need to remind yourself of when wondering what kind of man/parent he is. He may love his ds as you say, but only on his terms and when it suits if he won't pay what he is responsible for towards him.

The gf has been fed a pack of lies by your ex. She most likely believes or wants to believe what he has said about you and the situation. She is standing by her man and trying to 'fix' things (without any knowledge of the truth or what he is actually like and quit epossibly highly jealous to boot). By responding to her you gave her the chance to let some of that anger/jealousy/frustration out at your. Ignore her. Block her email/phone number etc and if she still gets round it then get legal advice on stopping her (sounds like you may already have from what you say re not coming near you though).

Don't worry about how your son may or may not feel in the future. Just be the best mum you can for him each and every day and everything will be fine. Your son will realise what's what when he's older.

Frustrating as it is, the boy needs to have a relationship with his dad IMHO.

is it acceptable for a parent no to contribute to a childs upbringing financially? No. Is it acceptable to cut a parent out because they don't pay? No. But two wrongs don't make a right.

It's a very difficult situation. Your bad feeling will affect your son.

As others have said contact csa for at least some contribution.

I'm in the camp of think carefully about who you have kids with. You are bound to them forever.

Darnsarfupnorf I posted on your thread. :)

gillybean2 that is exactly how I feel. I don't want his money so I can get a nice new pair of shoes or a dress or to get my nails done, I would like some contribution for my son. For HIS clothes, for HIS shoes, for HIS days out. I don't understand why he doesnt want to do that. I LOVE buying treats for my son, I love handing the cash over at the check-out for a box of nappies and knowing I'm providing for my child, I feel so good knowing that he's wearing a brand new outfit with a full warm tummy in a comfy rocker chair and knowing that I gave him all of it. I live for my child's happiness. I don't understand why he doesn't.

As for the gf, at first I thought she was on cloud cuckoo land, emailing a girl she doesnt know with abuse and insults when I'd never even met her. But then I thought, where is she getting this stuff?
From price charming himself!

CSA - it's not perfect by a long shot, but it's better than nothing.

Trainee teacher - god help us all.

Let him see your son under supervision.

The only good thing about the ex is that she seems to want your son to see his Dad and not resent it.

littlebeth i love that bit about providing for your son and living for his happiness :)
i really hope im as lovely and happy as a mum as you seem to be :)

these girls are just vile in my opinion, id never dream of emailing a girl i didnt know to hurl abuse at her, i dont know about your -shall we call them- other woman but mine jumps to his lordships defence even though she knows exactly what hes like (him having played us off eachother to cover his arse the last time we went through this) and taking his word as gospel...obviously im the biggest sickest bitch in the world and his lordship is mr perfect prince charming...hey ho!

Darnsarfupnorf you will be a lovely and happy mum. I'll warn you now, nothing prepares you for the first 6 weeks. I had a break down everyday, my baby didnt sleep, he screamed constantly, he constantly wanted to be held, I'd sit on the couch to feed him and not realise that 6 hours have passed with him taking dribs and drabs from his bottle. My ex visits once a week for 4 hours so I've raised my son on my own. You NEED your family, I don't know where I would have been without my mum. I remember sobbing saying I needed to take him back to the hospital because he wouldn't stop crying and I couldn't do it anymore.

Persevere.

Because when you get past that 6 weeks, it's like the sun has just come out for the first time. Every day is filled with joy, he sleeps throught the night, he feeds every 4 hours like clock work. He's an angel. Your's will be too.

As for the other woman, I've never even thought she was worth a reply. That must drive her insane. The most annoying thing in the world is being ignored and that's all I've done to her, I bed she's fuming. It feels great! :o
You do the same sweetie. Show that your the bigger and better person. Nothing feels better than coming through a situation like this and knowing you kept your dignity all along. x x

littlebeth i just showed my friend one of your messages on my thread and shes in tears! not even hormonal! lol

as for ignoring her, im my own worst enemy i know. i cant bare thinking of really clever, cutting replies to her and not getting to say them! but the time on my thread was the last time i spoke to her and since then ive taken to acting out the arguments with my friend (who knows the other woman but since a certain incident involving a glass table hates her too lol) as sad as it sounds it seems to help and some of the comebacks have us in tears laughing!

and as for yours, youve got something he cares about (however much/little he shows it) and no matter how much shit stirring or teritory making she does, youll always have that and thatll infuriate her more than anything because theres nothing she can do about it. enjoy that, i do!

oh and i think between our 2 threads weve answered our own questions, all the love our babies need comes from us and we shouldnt let anyone put a downer on that

you and your son need your ex and his baggage as much as me and my daughter need mine, thankyou for making me realise that...finaly! xxx

You're so welcome.

I've turned to this site from time to time with other threads. I posted my very first thread when I was 6 months pregnant. Believe it or not, that first thread was what to do about my baby's dad and I was met with critisism, harsh words, told to grow up, nobody seemed to understand or help. Some people did but I was surprised at the amount of critism I recieved.

It felt like I had turned to this site for some support and advice and recieved some, but felt let down at times by some people's comments.

I vowed to never, ever put anybody else down on here or make their problems seem small or insignificant. Even if somebody needs advice on folic acid, I'd never make anybody feel dumb or critisize them.

I wanted to help you. Reading your story helped me too. I genuinely believe that you will be a brilliant mother to your little girl. Life is worth living for you and her now and I promise when she gets here, nothing else will matter. xx

I feel the same. people post on here for a reason, even if its just a bit of reasurance for the stupidist thing theyve said or done and i can never understand how people can just shoot someone down for being daft or thick or whatever.

like with the other woman posting on my thread syain how sad i was for posting on here, i did it because i had no one else i felt i could talk to and i knew people on here would be honest with me and wether i got good or bad replies i needed something to help me through a bad patch and i know im not the only one whos done the same

if i see someone i think i can help then i will, if not then i dont comment. i love MNers for theyre honesty and genuine want to help you. calling me immature and stupid and telling me to go on jeremy kyle with all the other teenage mums isnt gonna help lol!

im off to bed anyway, midwife in the morning and ill be asleep on her bed while shes poking bump if i dont go soon!

thanks again :) youve really put my mind at ease xxx

It's great to get support and clearly the man is a creep and the girlfriend has been totally taken in by him and is a bit psychotic...I think totally ignoring her is absolutely the way to go.

But supporting someone doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with everything they are saying/doing and like a couple of other posters here I feel you need to separate out some of these issues. There are methods to sort out money - the CSA get a lot of bad press but they were brilliant for me and although if he is a student teacher you won't get much right now it will pay off in the long run. And if he is working while training it is fairly straightforward to sort out the percentage for the baby.

So with that situation sorted out, you need to put the personal anger you feel to one side and do what you can to make sure your son has a relationship with his father. 4 hours a week isn't much and it would be much better for him to have a fortnightly visit with 'cool dad' than have nothing.

it would be much better for him to have a fortnightly visit with 'cool dad' than have nothing.
Unless he's going to mess your DC around, in which case it's better that there is no relationship at all IMHO. Still worth giving the xP a chance while DC is still a baby?

That's the thing, my ex hasn't seen his son in 4 weeks because he was too busy visiting with his gf's family at xmas, too busy at a party with his gf at new years & since then he's been too busy doing lesson plans as he's in teacher taining. He texts every few days to ask how my son is but that's all & at the end of every msg he types - take care you too, tell him not to miss daddy too much!

Ugh!

So I'm kind of trial period-ing the whole thing while DS is still very small. If by the time he gets old enough to realise whats going on and the ex is still pulling this crap, then I've told myself I'm done with it, done with him.

Sounds a good plan Littlebeth. Must be hard on you while you're finding out though!
I'd keep a record/diary if I were you to help you make the decision more objectively and perhaps to show your DS when he's older. Are you going to put a time limit on it?
I'd say by about 18 months it's got the potential to start effecting DCs if they get messed around - but I think it's also got to be when you've had enough of it too.
Your ex sounds a complete pillock and you are surely surely much better off without him IMHO!

i agree with pickgo sweet, ive kept a diary through this whole thing to help me remember exactly what theyve done and said and how ive felt so i cant try and blank it out and defend him in my own head.

I hate the thought that your me in a few months when i read this and see your still being messed around and still wrestling with yourself over making the right choice but remember all the lovely things you said to me yesterday :)

its so easy to give out second chance after second chance esspecialy when your so desperate for your baby to have the perfect dad but the fact is hes not so you need to be strong and work out a cut off point like pickgo says

personaly i think the hardest part is seperating the issues, does it seem worse because you still want him and hes spending time with her rather than you and your son?

convincing yourself you dont give a fuck is so so hard but you need to. your not his doormat and if hes messing your son around he doesnt need him and you need to get rid before your sons old enough to notice.

i keep asking myself if a shit dads better than no dad and i havent as yet found the answer so let me know if you do :)

sorry i dnt think that whole post was useful at all!! x