why oh why oh why!?

[Darnsarfupnorf]

Do I keep going back to him?!

im usualy quite a strong person, will speak my mind and assert myself when i need to so why when it comes to now ex (again!) OH am i such an idiotic pushover?!

hes treated me like shit over the last 18 months (see several other threads lol) hes messed me around, broken my heart, abandoned me when his new girlfriend threw a paddy about how much time we were spending together (i was pregnant with his cghild and barely saw him), together with her generaly made my life hell until he saw sence and fucked her off.

i (stupidly) took him back even though i knew it was wrong, hes not acted like a boyfriend at all over the last 3 months, avoiding sex and general physical contact, not replying to texts etc etc, ignored me from boxing day til new years eve even though i sent many frantic texts/left messages worried about the baby but to top it off he finnished with me at 11.30 on new years eve!!

im now 7 months pregnant and am just at a loss!! i was gonna say why does he think he can treat me like this but its because i let him...why do i let him!!?? why am i not furious with him for treating me like this?!

why am i so scared of being on my own? :(

Probably partly because you are seven months pregnant, and partly because sometimes bad relationships can be 'addictive' - because the longer you are in them, the lower your self-esteem becomes and the more you think you 'need' the other person.

But now it is a new year and a new start for you and your baby! Don't get back together with him whatever happens; you may feel it's better to be with the father of your child but actually being in a relationship with someone who is abusive towards you (in whatever sense of the word) will NOT be good for your child.

Take care of yourself and your baby and be strong!

How old are you? from the tone of your post I would guess quite young? You let him treat you like this because you dont respect or love yourself enough to not put up with this crap. Please speak to your gp/hv about getting some counselling.I understand now may not be the time for you to consider giving up on this relationship what with bring about to have a baby. But maybe after having counselling.addressing the reasons why you so scared to be on your own,you will find the strength to say that you deserve better.

im 19 pink and hes 27 so really should be the mature one!

maybe this time ive realised i dont love him anymore and he doesnt love me, we tried getting back together for the baby but although we both really wanted it to it didnt work out. i dont know where he wants to go from here but ive told him i dont want anything to change (in the way that we got on really well, despite everything, when we were 'together') but he hasnt replied.
im not chaseing after him, if he wants to be a dad he needs to make the effort.

BUT I want my baby to have her daddy and I really dont know how to stop him using us and just dropping her when he finds something better I.E a new girlfriend.

ergh Ive been through all this already last time he did it so youd think id be prepared. why am i being so clingy and pathetic?

do you really think councilings the way to go?

stop being such an idiot!

msboogie-thats not really helpful is it?.Yes it frustrating hearing a young girl trying to justify why she is letting this man treat her like crap but she needs advice not critisism!.
OP-yes I think counselling could really help.Even if you do decide to give relationship another go then you will be strong enough to set some ground rules and stick to them. I admire your determination to try and encourage this man to be a father but you cant force him. Please also try and stop texting him-this is what he wants. Concentrate on getting ready for the baby and let him come crawling back to you.

msboogie its frustrating hearing myself saying it too!

pink i really dont want to try again with him, she'll be much better off with a mummy and daddy who get along rather than ones who resent eachother because they stayed together

im frustrated with him because hes going to treat her like some novetly toy and do his own sweet thing while thinking its ok but im more frustrated with myself for letting him.

trouble with him is that the more you tell him the less likely he is to do it. if hes got any sence or respect for me he'll do the right thing but i cant help thinking me and the baby are the ones who are going to suffer

So do you have one child and another on the way?

I can't understand why people have children when their relationships are so new/fragile/unsettled but there you go, I'm an old fart.

It's done now, you know what he is like and is capable of because he has shown you. He doesn't want comittment and a relationship and to be honest, him being in and out the kids lives is not so great either.

Do not take him back, he is only using you as a stop gap. I know that sounds hurtful but it's the truth. Get on to the CSA and arrange to get the money he needs to pay you for the kids. Change the locks. Start afresh. You are young enough to start over, and now, hopefully, a bit wiser and can spot a chancer when you next see one.

Best of luck.

Its nothing to do with age. There are a lot of middle aged women taking crap from their OHs for years and years and are just to frightened about the prospect of going through with the break up especially when you consider house/children/finances etc.
OP I've been where you are. When my child was 5mths old and there was no formula left went and borrowed money from a friend and went out drinking while his child went hungry. Thats when I got rid. The realisation that he would never even care for his son never mind me was a kick of sense to me. He left because he had another woman anyway. I was liberated and did quite well as a single mum with the help of some very good friends. Now I am right back to square one but instead of a cheater I have a jealous verbally abusive controller.

Good luck x

no ive just got the one on th way, i was on the pill when we concieved but obviously something went wrong but hey ho like you say its done now.

im away at my parents over xmas so when i get back we are meeting up to talk properly about everything, he says he still wants to be involved etc (i quote-'i still really want to be a dad') but i think that means one thing to him and something completely different to me (comprimise isnt his strong point)

i hate how pathetic i sound but i feel 10 times more pathetic, my new years resolution is to not be a pushover and to enjoy my life which sounds good on paper but ive got no idea how to achieve it!

breakfree that sounds awful :( at least you know your strong enough to flourish as a single mum :) maybe we should 'break free' together and start a fresh!

Your baby can have a father without you and he being together. There is no definate right or wrong way to be parents, just what's right for you, him and the baby.

From your posts, it doesn't sound like you can have a functional "couple" relationship, but that doesn't ,San you both cn't be good parents.

Last sentence, delete "San" insert "mean"

You don't sound pathetic op, you are naturally upset and afraid of doing this on your own.

I am glad you have family to help you. When you meet him, try to do it in a neutral enviroment, like a cafe, so you know you won't fall apart or allow him to cosy up and forget your resolve. You need to know exactly how much a part of the child's life you can expect him to be. And don't forget his financial contribution.

Is this his first child?

perfumed i do have a very supportive family but they live 150 miles away

it is his first child, im so frustrated not knowing whats going to happen or what hes thinking, i suspected for a while that he cheated on me although he always denied it (he has a history) and tonight his facebook status was 'is a puff :p' so he was obviously fraped. although this sounds pathetic and inconsequential his ex (the one who caused all the trouble the first time round) always did things like that (shows her level of maturity) which has got me worried that hes back with her

OP, I don't think this man is right for you and you probably know that too. If he wants to be in his DC's life fair enough - if not, you should walk away.

I think you should also try to be single for a while. Get used to being a mum, bond with your DC, learn that with the two of you you don't need anyone else - if you can become a strong, independent person then you will find someone who respects that and is right for you. I was single for a long time (almost 4 years) before I met DH - we have now been married 13 years, together as a couple for 18 years (yes I am old) Finding out all the things you can do without needing help can really make you feel powerful (though it doesn't have to take you 4 years) and of course having a strong, capable mummy is going to do your DC a lot of good too.

Walk away from this loser, you deserve so much better.

Would you not consider moving nearer to your family op?

thanks pointythings you make it sound so easy :) i hate the thought of being single but i know its the best thing to do, the only man i should be attempting a realationship with now is him and as thats a bad option being single is the way to go :(

perfumed im considering moving closer to them, i think ill decide once ive spoken to him properly and discussed what we both want to happen. the problem is that a lot of my friends from home (my parents) are now away at uni so i have a much larger support group where i live now. if i had more friends living in the are near my parents itd be a much easier desision but im gonna really need my friends around me in the next few months possibly more than my family

think its just kinda hit me again babys got the wiggles and i wish i had someone to share it with :( not giving in though

You need something more in your life, some prospect other than the holy grail of a man. What qualifications do you have?

I suggest when you're settled with the baby, find yourself a course to do that will lead to a better job or a bigger circle of friends, or at least something to concentrate on that might help you focus on the future and do something for yourself, using your own efforts and skills, and not achieving some status via having a man.

Examine also whether the drama involved with this man is addictive for you. And stop looking him up on FB.

Your baby needs a mum with some sense of direction in her life more than he or she needs an unreliable father.

is this thread for real?
Pink do your dd a favour, dont put father surname on the bc
and what others and MatH said
"Your baby needs a mum with some sense of direction in her life more than he or she needs an unreliable father"

Well fuck him and the horse he rode in on. You no longer have time for this shit.

Move home to family and get some love and support for you and our baby.

When you have a baby people are either a positive in your life or they have to go. You nolonger have the 'luxury' of putting up with dickhead boyfriends.

*your baby, not our baby

When my marriage broke down and my cheating H left me with a 2 and a quarter year old and an 11 month old, I was desperate to work things out and wanted my children to have a dad in their lives. I'd never been single for long and always needed someone in my life.

With counseling and over time I've learnt to enjoy being a lone parent and even begun to just enjoy my own company and for once in my life I do not need a man in my life. I like being alone. Never thought I'd think that. My ex H is the same age as your ex boyfriend. He married young. However he now reliably see's the children 2 or 3 times a week and does nice things with them. We get on better now than we did when together and the children are more settled and happy with this environment and seeing their daddy consistently. You will be fine on your own without him. I think sirboobalot (maybe my memory is failing me though) had a baby and lived with her parents and she's done so so well. Maybe you could search some of her threads on here? I do think having a baby so far from your parents maybe hard? Unless you have good friends who can help out and babysit from time to time for you nearby? Could your mum come and stay for a fortnight when it is first born? Where are you living right now, do you live in house sharing with others or a flat alone? Will you be able to make ends meet with your baby?

Homestart is a very useful organisation and perhaps your HV can put you in contact with them when you have your baby? Do you have someone who can be with you when you go into labour?

Sorry twenty questions

I do agree that counseling will help you so much though and you will be fine. Truly you will. Especially if you keep posting on mumsnet as the advice and wisdom you will have here will be huge.

I don't understand why you think it would be worse to be single than to be in a relationship with someone who clearly doesn't consider himself to be in a relationship with you?

Really, why on earth would you want your child to learn about relationships from this "man"?