Why won't men date single parents?

[persephonesnape]

I have an argument brewing with a male acquaintance who won't date any single parent (not a specific person.) I need ammunition! I suspect his 'argument' will consist of ridiculous pre-conceptions and judgements along the lines of?'single parents are looking for a dad substitute , single parents are looking for an open wallet , they'll always put their child first [well, ok.. ] single parents are desperate single parents are easy or horrifically complicated (!) we're broken sloppy seconds we're poor judges of character because the father of our child(ren) f*cked off They're OK for a 'bit of fun' but you wouldn't want to take on her kids

Can anyone think of any more? What are the counter arguments? ( I know lots! I just wonder if there are any I haven?t heard of yet?)

Now, to be fair, I have admitted to having a chip on my shoulder about being a single parent sometimes, but it's generally because i've bumped my head up against such preconceptions. If i'm going to be quoted, it would be nice to not be quoted quite so selectively. :)

i think though, as a parent, there can be an element of rejecting my children as well, as there is that element of not-just-dating the person, but possibly wanting to be accepted by his or her children as well. or not!

It's easy to give yourself a hard time as a single parent, not because you have a poor perception of yourself, but because society has a pretty dim view of them. Or is that just the DM?! On a bad day, it can just feel like one more societal prejudice..

I think you need to get over this, persephone. Some childfree people don't want to go out with people who have children and others do.

You admit you don't know exactly why this person doesn't, but still want to 'challenge' him.

I just don't get it or see the point.

It's not a personal affront if one person doesn't want to go out with a lone parent anymore than if one person doesn't want to go out with a person who is a Tory, or an Arsenal supporter, or any other myriad of criterion people use to select someone to date.

For me, it was a dealbreaker because I knew I was too selfish to deal with it.

Live and let live, get on with looking for someone to date if that's what you'd like and leave him to find someone he finds suitable to him.

ok, expat. good point, well made

In my single days I would never have dated a chap with children. Too complicated. Far far too complicated.

In fairness, I would also not have dated anyone without a degree, who was not at least 6' tall, or who didn't have nice bones.

We all have our preconceptions

If I were single now? I wouldn't feel the same way, necessarily. But I wouldn't be relishing the prospect.

Why not just leave well alone?

As a single parent myself, if a man feels that way I wouldn't touch him with a shitty stick anyway and certainly wouldn't want someone like that around my DS, so why bother trying to change his mind or argue the toss? His loss IMO.

Well, as a single Dad and having my children a lot of the time, I am deemed to have too much 'baggage' as well, I can wait though.

Exactly. It's not just men.

If I found myself single now, and could be arsed to date (not), I'd want to see someone who had children, too.

I have quite a few childfree friends, but they don't really get it, IYKWIM.

And I have never ever heard this said by any man ever. Is that clear enough?

'A lot of men are obsessed with the state of the post-partum fanjo, and quite openly make jokes about women who have had a couple of kids - "waving a pencil in the Albert Hall" and all that kind of juvenile bollocks.'

I do see her point though. It sounds a bit small minded to say "no children" in the same way if you said " no white women" or "no one under 6ft". I mean there are mothers and mothers aren't there. Having one child under 5 is different to 2 or 3 or having teenagers and SAHM 's may have different agenda's to ones out all day.

But hey it's a free world let him have his way and see if having a child free women makes him any happier...lots of issues there too..

'Having one child under 5 is different to 2 or 3 or having teenagers '

Not to someone who's never had any children, tbh.

"It sounds a bit small minded to say "no children" in the same way if you said " no white women" or "no one under 6ft". I mean there are mothers and mothers aren't there."

Not really, because someone's skin colour or height don't affect the relationship on a day to day basis whereas someone having kids is a major thing. Firstly, it places pretty major restrictions on their lifestyle in terms of flexibility to just up and off for the weekend/ evening etc- I mean, that's something you accept when you become a parent. Secondly, if the relationship lasts, you are not only tying yourself to the object of your affections but also to her kids, her ex (who might be nice, might be a wanker) etc etc. On that basis, I can see why, all things being equal, many single, childless people would prefer someone who didn't already have children.

However, a couple of posters have made the very legitimate point that when you meet someone you really like, often all your non-negotiables slip away (although this doesnt always guarantee a happy ending...but I'm over that now- )

I haven't read all the posts.

I am a single parent and I would not go out of my way to date a single parent, not because of the children, because of the ex issues, I had enough of that negativity when my exh was on the scene without having that crap from a partner and him and his ex issues causing crap in mine and my kids life, be that they still have feelings and hide it with anger or them not getting along, the ex having relationship problems with her new partner, one taking the mick etc that type of thing.

I also would not want a load of other things, like no one too short, certain personality types are a no no also, I just want someone who has a lifesytle and qualities that are positive to add to my life and I want to avoid as much as possible any negativity in my life.

Some people simply don't like children and would rather keep their distance from them. And plenty of people who have no children of their own do not want to start dating someone with (young) children as it cuts down on the amount of spontaneous fun you could have.
We all have our dealbreakers. I won't date anyone who is devoutly religious.

maledetta>>> Why obese?
yes your are right, better think as muself as picky rather than no one really cares for me

mYself

MummieHunnie care to join me in the search of a sensible creative widowed father?

JustForThisOne - speaking from personal experience, those sensible widowed fathers are sometimes left very scarred by their loss so that may not be the answer either. If you do find one, approach with caution!

On the subject of children / no children, a friend of mine really wanted to become a mum but her partner kept putting it off until she gave him an ultimatum...but didn't stick to it! So the deadline has come and gone and I can only assume that she's chosen the relationship above her desire to be a parent. What I mean is that when someone has been honest and upfront about how they feel, we do need to respect it in spite of whether we agree with it or not (IMHO). And respect the fact that the person is not stringing somebodyelse along. Being a parent is not for everyone, regardless of their reasons, and even more so when you are getting involved with somebody else's children.

ps. I won't date anyone who is too committed to their religion either or smokers for that matter...!

I think most men dont want to be involved with kids as it means agro and money out of their pocket. I met someone when I was very young only 16 and he was 19 and I found out he got someone pregnant after dating him for 3 months ! I found him out off a friend and saw the pregnant lady out shopping and she was ready to drop the weird freak of a bloke then said I want you to be the mummmy and look after the baby with me. I was not impressed as you can imagine and told him where to go!!

Stella you just shattered my last glimpe of hope

JustForOne, sounds like you may be onto something - a manshare system!

To be fair, I think it takes guts to say you're not that keen on children as an abstract. I'd rather know that from the outset.

And as an abstract idea if you don't have any of your own, I'm sure it doesn't appeal. However, as I've said before, you could be missing out on a stellar partner by saying it's a dealbreaker.

TBH, if someone has got to their mid-thirties/forties without some kind of previous serious or longterm involvement, I'd be wondering why... I know there can be watertight reasons, but can't think of many.

missmehalia - spot on! The last guy I dated was 34 and although he claimed that he had got on really well with his previous x's children, the fact that he hadn't truly looked into settling down sent alarm bells ringing. Sure enough, he was seriously good-looking, good job, all around decent bloke but when it came to dating & having a relationship? Absolutely toxic and after 3 months I was exhausted by all the mind-games so I just walked away.

JustForThisOne - sorry...! I've only had the one experience but even after 10 years, the guy was still seriously messed up as far as relationships were concerned.

I've been told before that I have a 'Mother Theresa' complex of some sort and seem to attract the types that need 'saving'... Great!

Maybe I am naive but I would welcome the chance to get involved with somebody with children. Especially when we read so much about men who simply turn their backs on their offspring, seeing what the prospective candidate's attitude is towards parenting would be a good way of establishing whether he's worth the effort or not. That's because there are just SO MANY men chasing after me that I need to weed them out somehow. Errr...?!?!

'Having one child under 5 is different to 2 or 3 or having teenagers '

lol im well and truely stuffed then .I have 4 dc two of them being teenagers( 17,14, and then dd7 and ds3 who is 5 and the youngest at 5 is disabled.

But it would take a special kind of man for me to consider getting involed with

Spinsterhood here i come

oh and i prechildren did date a man with a child already was only 18 to and his son was 5 yes we split 8 years down the line and he did not see older two paticulary but i have always manged to keep some contact with his eldest son going .Even if wa sjust cards and presents but that was down to his mum allowing it