Why won't men date single parents?

[persephonesnape]

I have an argument brewing with a male acquaintance who won't date any single parent (not a specific person.) I need ammunition! I suspect his 'argument' will consist of ridiculous pre-conceptions and judgements along the lines of?'single parents are looking for a dad substitute , single parents are looking for an open wallet , they'll always put their child first [well, ok.. ] single parents are desperate single parents are easy or horrifically complicated (!) we're broken sloppy seconds we're poor judges of character because the father of our child(ren) f*cked off They're OK for a 'bit of fun' but you wouldn't want to take on her kids

Can anyone think of any more? What are the counter arguments? ( I know lots! I just wonder if there are any I haven?t heard of yet?)

as a single mum I could never get involved with a man who has not got his own children
first and foremost in my case it is an age problem, I could not possibly have another child (horrible as it is because I would have loved more) so it would not be fair nor would I want to risk that that because an issue later on
Beside I do not think that I could like a man of suitable age who's childless (what the hell has he been doing till now?)
I found that it is extremely difficult to escape pre conception the man as toward SM
I so no want a father to my child I want to feel the gorgeous sexy passionate woman I was and have fun and share things with a partner....than come the children...
I am also a better person that I was since being a mother which is a bit of a shame really I can put all my good intention into practice.
I use to have very little patience (with partners) and was never good in the long run....
I have learned my lesson an I think I could give, be more generous and less big headed
I would dread to be involved with a divorced parent with a nutter ex to be honest so my wildest dream is a 40st creative sharp clued up widow father of 2 (possibly with girl)
if there is one out there................

Loving the hypocrisy from those ladies who are LP's but won't date a man who is a LP himself.

why dont I read back before posting!

Niceguy
not meeee

If you were single and childless would you want to date someone with resident children?

sjm, sorry to hear it didn't work out. Obv, if it doesn't, then the new partner doesn't actually have parental responsibility by law unless they've adopted your DC/s. It does sound very tricky, and very wearing to establish and defend your boundaries. Totally rubbish.. hope it gets better. He may meet someone new, who doesn't really want his 'adopted' children on the scene too much. Sounds like he hasn't reallly considered that!

So far things have been fine here. I think if you go through a bad breakup (esp when DCs involved in the picture) then it does destroy your naivety for good in some way. It takes time for everyone to accept a new reality..

Trillian
I would date a dad (come to think of it I have
and it wasnt me who split )

I think part of the reason it's often men who won't date mothers rather than women who won't date fathers is that women tend to be the resident parent.

A boyfriend who has children 1 weekend a fortnight is different to a girlfriend who has children all the time except 1 weekend a fortnight.

It makes it much harder to arrange for dates, especially since you (both) wouldn't want to introduce a potential new partner to the chlidren too early.

sure the practicalities have to be thought out
i would not object to sex at lunch

My brother is dating a single mum. But then he is divorced with two young DCs, so he and his GF are both on the same page when it comes to priorities, recognising the need to plan their shared time around childcare responsibilities etc.

For a lot of blokes it's not the fact that a woman has children that they object to, it's the fact that she has given birth.

A lot of men are obsessed with the state of the post-partum fanjo, and quite openly make jokes about women who have had a couple of kids - "waving a pencil in the Albert Hall" and all that kind of juvenile bollocks.

Sad, but true.

If they think that then tbh I wouldn't waste 2 seconds worrying why they didn't want to go out with me. They clearly have very tiny penises that they don't know how to use.

When I was single and childfree I would not date men who had children. I did not want to be involved in a step-relationship at all.

Why do you need 'ammunition'? Why can't you just respect his choice?

Why on Earth would you want to subject someone's children to a person who doesn't want them around?

Being a step-parent is hard, at least he knows it's not for him.

Surely if you are into someone it shouldn't matter?

I can think of alot of complicated relationships when I was single and childless ....

I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to state that they don't want to date someone with children - if it's for as narrow-minded a reason as "She'll just be looking for an open wallet" or "Her fanny won't be tight enough" (WTF?) then he's probably a twat that you don't want to date anyway. Similar for people who think children are just an inconvenience, you don't want that kind of person around your Dc really anyway.

Also I think it's wise to have a certain level of caution if entering into a relationship with children involved - it DOES complicate things, and anyone who doesn't take that into account is naive at best. However I don't think it's fair to write single parents off completely, because if you get on with the person and are both mature and sensible about things, it shouldn't really affect the relationship too much.

I wonder about having it on a dating website as a yes/no otpion though - I guess a lot of people would look at it and think oh, better not tick that option in case I get people thinking I am specifically looking for that, and I guess that the prospect of dating somebody with children is scarier than dating somebody without - given a straight choice most people would pick the uncomplicated otion, I'd have thought, but if they happened to meet someone with children and the chemistry was right, then it wouldn't matter.

I know my boyfriend was a bit reserved initially, holding back because he was a bit scared/thought it would be complicated to date someone with a child, and he definitely wouldn't have specifically sought out someone with children, but the chemistry was right and the relationship developed anyway. DS was never an issue because we took things very slowly.

Expat, I have a long fuse and it's one of several non-related incidences with similar thinkers that have all added up into a (potentially irrational) need to challenge his assumptions! I don't like people presuming things about 'me' (by which i include other single parents) by attributing a bunch of stereotypical assumptions. This probably goes a bit deeper than a colleagues off the cuff-remark.

plus, I have been reading the Daily Mail a bit recently it's one of these things where (single) mothers are to blame for everything no matter what we do. (simple solution is probably to stop reading the DM!)

Justforthisone: are you sure you're not being too picky? I don't know how many creative widowed fathers you'll find who are also morbidly obese! :o

I don't get why you feel the need to bother 'challenging' this man.

It's a waste of time, IME, because I know from experience of being single and childfree that quite a few people in that situation just don't want to date lone parents.

Big deal.

People have all sorts of criterion for selecting dating partners, this is just one of them.

Persephone I think you are being too sensitive.

There is no resaon to think that men think you are desperate or lookng for a wallet or have a bucket fanjo.

They may however think that dealing with children is a lot of hassle - whch is true.

Well I did a little experiment on a certain dating site, signed up, nice photo and so on BUT did not say I had dc, got loads and loads of Personal Messages within the first week. So I updated to say that I do have dc, nothing, not a single Personal Message since. Doesn't bother me really, no interest anyway but it was very telling. Not really bothered why, each to their own really but I suspect this is because I don't really want to meet anyone and would feel rather different if I did.

yes. i can agree with the sensitivity issue :)

but if assumptions aren't challenged, then they don't change. Do they? Arguably his selection criteria, that there are no children involved in any potential relationship are possibly based on his personal experience and a bunch of assumptions along the lines in the OP (plus the bucket-fanjo. I may need to mention that point, but I'll hold it in reserve..) I can see that it isn't me personally - possibly in that way that people always go 'oh i hate x,y,z -- of course i don't mean you'

I can see it's a selection criteria, but possibly slightly more weighted than 'must not/must have ginger hair'

'So this' i think you would need to have dual accounts at the same time one with and one without DC's to conduct such an experiment - you may have reached the end of your 'newbie' period, where all the old dating lags (!) have already 'seen' you w/o child. Even duplicate accounts with the same photo, different username but all other details and commentary the same, one with, one without child would need to be on seperate sites with broadly the same user base (IYSWIM)

I like your experimenting style. :)

Trillian, I should maybe use that as an endorsement on an internet dating site, sit back and wait for the responses! (with or without declaring children!)

But you wrote that you ' . . . suspect his 'argument' will consist of ridiculous pre-conceptions and judgement . . . ' and seek to 'challenge' this without even knowing if maybe, just maybe, he doesn't want to deal with someone else's kids.

Because that was it for me when I was childfree and single. And if someone were over-sensitive about that, tough. I didn't want to go there for that reason alone.

Unless you know for certain, I can't see any reason to get in his face about it.

It would really put me off, tbh.

It sounds like you're the one with the issues, not him.