Advice needed for newbie to this forum please! (long!)

[littlelamb]

Hi I have been around on Mumsnet for a while but have never posted on the lone parent board, so hello :0 ! I'm 22, a full time uni student and my lovely dd is 15 months old (I had her at the end of my first year). Her dad was my best friend for years and years, and we finally got together in my gap year. dd was totally unplanned, and I found out I was pg after I'd left to go to uni, 300 miles away from him and my family. He wouldn't speak to me during the pregnancy and continually begged me to have a termination. However, in the last few weeks he did start to get excited, and managed to came and be with me for the birth, which was wonderful. But since then his interest has dwindled. Understandably, its hard with us both being so far apart, but it is always me who makes the effort. He hasn't been down to see dd for 13 months now. I have taken her up there at least 6 times, which is not only expensive, but unfair on dd as the train journey takes 6 hours. My problem is this; if he wanted nothing to do with her, that would hurt, but I would know where I stand. But, he says he loves her and is trying his best. He's a student too, and worked all summer, so made lots of money, but still didn't come to see us or send any money. Yet, he still says he really wants to come?! Just to make this a bit more complicated, I have a lovely boyfriend now, who lived next to me in halls when I was pregnant, and who really helped me through emotionally, and is just a wonderful friend. He and my dd adore each other. Totally unprompted dd has started to call him daddy, and though we always correct her, I (and he) both love it, and it really makes me appreciate what a lovely bf I have. I didn't want dds dad to know this, but I was fed up of being ignored all summer and of his empty promises, so I sent him a very calm email explaining this, and that dd actually didn't need him. I attached a pic of bf and dd together. I feel ashamed now, as it's quite a horrible thing to have done, but he text me back saying that as much as I pretend, noone else will ever be her dad. It makes me so mad! Am I wrong to allow dd to get close to my bf? He has been there since she was born, and before. Am I completely unreasonable to think that being a dad is not at all about biological, but whoever brings up dd and loves and nurtures her? I am just fed up of being made to feel like the wicked witch. I am trying to do whats best for everybody, and nobody's happy
Sorry that was so long, just would really appreciate advice from anyone with similar experiences,
thanks,
Littlelamb

my kids love my bf (i live with him and we have another ds) but i would never let them call him dad. he does everything for them and their real dad is crap. he lives to annoy me and couldnt care less about the kids but i dont think its right to let them call him dad. just my opinion. you do have every right to be happy tho and i dont think it will make an ounce of difference what he is called, she will know who looks after her and cares for her

i wouldnt take her to see him again at least until he has made the effort to come to her tho.

Thank you x I really don't want to take her to see him, but his family are so lovely to me, I feel bad denying them the chance to see her.I also can't bring myself to tell them what I think of him, because when we were growing up we were inseperable, and they've always been like a second family to me. This is what I mean by trying to please everybody

i dont see how you are denying her family chance to see her. if they call and ask if they can come down they will be allowed to wont they?

ITS NOT ALL UP TO YOU. let someone else take some responsibility. lie if you have to. tell them you have too much work on to make the train journey, or that you find the journey really hard with her (that part may not be a lie). tell them you would love to see them whenever they can manage to get down there.

the email may not have been the best idea but it is done now and might prompt some action from him. he does sound like he needs a boot in the behind.

just live your life and if him or his family want to see her make sure you can spare them some time. you sound like you are doing a great job under difficult circumstances.

I have a spare room that I have offered them on many occasions. My ex says that I don't make it easy for him to see her I really don't see what else I can do. I;ve even offered to go and stay somewhere else while he comes and sees her, but nothing. I guess I just want to believe that he's not that bad really, despite all the evidence to the contrary

maybe he isnt that bad, but dont for a second believe it is your fault. offering him a place to stay is above and beyond your duty. you could easily tell him to stay in a hotel. tbh i would worry more about his family. grandparents are important and if her dad isnt very involved she may feel she needs to have contact with that half of herself (when she gets older, obviously). write to them and say things arent going too smoothly between you and him and anytime they want to see her they are welcome. that should keep things sweet(ish) with them and then you know you have done your bit. also he is going to have a very hard time blaming you if his parents have regular contact.

You're full of great advice, thank you . I think I will write them a letter, but they know he hasn't been down, so I just wonder what he's said about me to them? Of course, I could just be very paranoid.

hi littlelamb
your dd is still very young. there is plenty of time for her biological dad to get involved with her when he's older, settled and earning a salary. Id just keep in touch with him and not get too worried about things. my children take their tone from us, their parents. they have been through all sorts of unsettled family life, (divorce, long visits to dx's family etc) but they seem to have taken it all in their stride.

Loads of children have 2 mothers, why not 2 fathers? your dd can have a good relationship with your bf, and her dad can still feel that he's her dad. send him photos of her, let them talk on the phone etc. the bottom line is, that he isnt there every day, so your dd is bound to have a relationship with the man who is there. but it doesnt have to be a competition between them.

am deeply impressed by all student parents btw. mixing ft study and motherhood is quite an achievement.

haha its easy to be full of advice when its not your life. i wont go into the mess i made of things with my x, i would be here for hours! however hindsight is a wonderful thing and if its helpful to you i am only too happy to give my opinion

he might have told them all sorts of awful things but if you stay calm and reasonable they will soon see you have your dds best interests at heart and will probably be very grateful. i actually have a friend whose x is a pig but she takes her son to see his grandparents every other weekend (she drives, they dont and its not as far as in your case). is great for them and her ds, also gives her a bit of a break. just wanted to point out that it can work, even if dad isnt involved.

littlelamb - I gave up on ex-dh after years of inviting him to make contact with his 3 kids. I never stood in his way but he gradually withdrew himself from his kids and even his own mother.

I have been with new dh for 4 years now and we have 2 ds's together. In the early days of us seeing each other I was very protective of my 3 calling him anything other than his name. They eventually started to call him that of their own accord. As they were happy to do so and it was their decision to, dh and me did not discourage it.

My 3 have not seen their biological dad for nearly 8 years (they are 13, 11 and 9 btw). They still have conatct with the grandma (ex's mum) and enjoy a very loving relationship with her even though it breaks her heart to hear them call another man "dad". You are so right though, being a dad means so much more than biology.

We talk about their father, they see photos of him, know he lives locally and know when the are ready to, they can attempt to contact him.

Personally, I feel you must do what you feel is right for your dd, which may not be what is best for you. It's not easy and I wish you all the best.

I found this very hurtful 'as much as you pretend, noone else will ever be her dad.' It sounds like he is just upset and using a base form of attack to get you where it hurts. Unless he is nuts or violent this is probably normal behaviour and forgivable. Keep positive but remember why you are with your present bf and try not to be with him for the wrong reasons because that kind of love doesn't last forever. Been there am there at the mo and things arent easy. ps its lat dont know what i am talking about....

Thnaks everyone. Being a student parent is ok, but I'm about to go into my last year, and its going to be hard. Dd goes to an excellent nursery on campus so I can study. I have asked for money to pay the 20% of nursery fees I have to pay, but he won't send any. I don't think he understands that I live off a student loan too, and, unlike him, can't get a job at the weekend? Moneys not really an issue though. I always tell him I'd rather he spend the money on a train ticket for himself. I just feel responsible for maintaining the relationship between him and dd, but it frustrates me because if he doesn't want to come there's nothing I can do

No there isn't anything you can do to actually make him visit or send money.

But what you can do is keep the channels of communication open and be nothing other than friendly and non-confrontational with him. That way he can never say you wouldn't let him see your dd. The ball is then firmly in his court.

Amai, I was so hesitant before getting with my bf, because I was scared of becoming dependant on someone, but it's a very special relationship, we are great friends and we give each other strength. If anything, I don't feel any NEED for a bf, but I am very glad to have found him If I were with him to somehow get back at my ex, that would be a terrible situation.

hi littlelamb, just read through this briefly. i think its great that you have found someone who is very supportive of you and your dd.

my ex lives 3 hours away. he knows that if he wants to see her, he has to make the effort cos he knows that i wouldnt go there with dd. not because im a selfish cow or anything (well maybe a little lol) but i want him to prove he wants to be her dad. he has a bad track record already. going months without seeing her, pissing me off constantly (but i expect that) and messing about with dd's maintenance payments.

i dont want to make things easy for him, as it was his decision to move back to where he is now. he blames everything on me and says i casted him away from here and all this bullshit. my dd is now 3. she asks and talks about him a bit. he sees her every 3 weekends, roughly depending if he keeps to it.

i agree with most of whats been said. i dont think you should visit him again, although the family does miss out. you could always offer them to come and see dd. keep it friendly with him so he cant say you're being unreasonable

i think also when he said noone else will be her dad, i think its partly jealously/worried/upset. but unfortunately like its been said, theres nothing you can do, which is very frustrating. but least you can keep a level head with it and keep the invitation open to him.

and i was gonna say something else but ive forgotten byt geez i just realised i waffled a lot there! lol. sorry

Thanks Tammybear x I think this does actually get to him. I got a totally unprompted text from him at three in the morning this week saying he'll always love her. This to me proves two things;
1 It's obviously playing on his mind
and
2 It's freshers week, so he was probably blind drunk lol!

lol, yeah i use to get texts from my ex at the middle of the night like that, til i changed my number and told him if he wants to speak to me to ring me at home! lol

it got to my ex when i was with someone else after him. that prompted him a lot to make more visits as dd got closer to this other guy. maybe this will make your ex think better about his role in your dd's life (fingers crossed)

Thats interesting, I hadn't thought of it that way. I don't want this to turn into a jealousy thing though, it's quite pathetic if thats the only thing that will make him see his daughter. I do hate the text messages though. They always arrive at just the wrong time. It was my birthday last weekend and my bf took me out (fot the first time EVER LOL!) for a lovely meal and as soon as we step back inside the house, I get the message about noone else being her dad. It really upset me, but bf took it in his stride and hugged me He's not letting this get to him. He has never said a single bad word about dd's dad, but I know that made him angry, not because of what ex had said about him, but that it made him upset. If we don't get nasty, I don't see why he feels the need to get me like that. The email really was very calm, I said nothing bad, just that it was up to him now, etc. What will it take for himto admit that he's not Dad of the Year, which he genuinely seems to believe!?

ll, I spent the first couple of years after splitting with my ex asking him when he was going to come and see the children, but the fact is, if he doesn't want to, I can't make him. If I said to him "You are not allowed to see them", he could take me to court and force me to let him. But I can't take him to court to force him to come and see them - much as I would like to. I feel absolutely bloody furious and hurt on their behalf, that my ex ignores his kids, and I would like the law to force him to - they go on and on about how important contact with fathers is, when fathers want it, but have sweet FA to say on the subject when fathers don't feel like it - if it's so bloody important, why aren't they insisting on it? I could rant for days on the subject and should probably parp my hooter loud and long now - but the fact is, the law doesn't give a shit about it, and if absent fathers can't be arsed to see their children, there is nothing mothers can do about it.

The only thing you can do, is make sure he knows he has an open invitation to see them, and then decide that you will no longer feel responsible for his behaviour. I've more or less accepted that I just have to wait like a servant until xp decides he wants some involvement in his children's lives, but I can accept that because I haven't spent the last couple of years taking responsibility for his behaviour - I've got on with my life. Distancing myself from him has enabled me to cope with the fact that he's abandoned his children, and has also helped me cope with the idea that one day, he may re-enter their lives. I think that emotional distance is very important, because being angry with their father is of absolutely no use whatsoever to my children. And I suspect that if you continue to take responsibility for his relationship with his daughter, you will get very angry with him - and that's not good for you, or for your dd.

Hope that rambling rant is some use to you!

made me upset rather

Thanks Caligula, thats exactly how I feel, I just couldn't articulate it as well as you. I think I have reached a point where I don't care anymore, and it was a shock to realise that, such a big revelation that after all this time, dd was more important to me than him. I don't think of her as OUR daughter, but MY daughter, which may be selfish, but makes it a lot easier for me. It's only when he starts making promises again that I allow myself to get involved, and hope that maybe this time he means it. And when he inevitably lets us down, it really hurts. I feel sorry for my dd that she has such a father, but that makes me feel very sad, like I should have somehow found her a better dad in the first place, as stupid as that sounds

im like that. i always call dd my daughter, and if ex says something like "my little girl" i always feel like shouting "no she isnt, shes mine!!!" lol. i know that sounds so bad! haha.

and dont worry about her having a better dad. shes got a great male role model in her life now by the sounds of it! my dd only has my bros (the only males in her life) and theyre only 17.

and tbh i think as long as she is getting a lot of love from yourself, then thats all that matters. one great parent can make up for the other or at least thats what i keep telling myself

Know exactly where you're coming from. There are times I feel I've let the children down in giving them such a crap father. And there are times I feel I ought to make an effort to go and find them an alternative, a suitable stepfather who will make up for my crap choice of father. But I do know that's barking and besides I haven't got the energy, so all I can do is try to be the best mother I can be and hope they'll excuse my poor choice of father!

Tammybear you sound just like me! Last time he was here dd was only 6 weeks old and I got really weepy on his last night here, and started on about how 'she's not yours she's mine!' I still feel that, just not in quite such a hormonal way! She has lots of my male friends around her, most of my friends at uni are guys, and I think it's great for everyone. D thinks its wonderful to know people who can do wierd things like fire juggling! and they are the best bunch of guys you could ever hope to meet, not your typical students at all. But don't tell their friends that They were there for me during pregnancy, so my dd really is special to them, they saw her when she was only a few hours old and have been a constant presence for her ever since. Makes me feel emotional to even think about it! I'm very luckt to have such good friends, without them I would probably hope for a lot more from my ex.

Lets hope so Caligula! I grew up with just my mum and can honestly say it made no difference to me. She married my dad (ok stepdad) when I was 9. He is the best man you could ever wish for, and he IS my dad as far as I am concerned, I don't think of him as a stepdad at all. I love him to bits. And my brother and sister are just that, none of this half sister rubbish! There ARE good guys out there somewhere

lol somewhere, just hope one day ill come across one!

but thats really great that you have brilliant mates and to know someone who can fire juggle!! birthday parties sorted!! lol