Advice needed for newbie to this forum please! (long!)

[littlelamb]

Hi I have been around on Mumsnet for a while but have never posted on the lone parent board, so hello :0 ! I'm 22, a full time uni student and my lovely dd is 15 months old (I had her at the end of my first year). Her dad was my best friend for years and years, and we finally got together in my gap year. dd was totally unplanned, and I found out I was pg after I'd left to go to uni, 300 miles away from him and my family. He wouldn't speak to me during the pregnancy and continually begged me to have a termination. However, in the last few weeks he did start to get excited, and managed to came and be with me for the birth, which was wonderful. But since then his interest has dwindled. Understandably, its hard with us both being so far apart, but it is always me who makes the effort. He hasn't been down to see dd for 13 months now. I have taken her up there at least 6 times, which is not only expensive, but unfair on dd as the train journey takes 6 hours. My problem is this; if he wanted nothing to do with her, that would hurt, but I would know where I stand. But, he says he loves her and is trying his best. He's a student too, and worked all summer, so made lots of money, but still didn't come to see us or send any money. Yet, he still says he really wants to come?! Just to make this a bit more complicated, I have a lovely boyfriend now, who lived next to me in halls when I was pregnant, and who really helped me through emotionally, and is just a wonderful friend. He and my dd adore each other. Totally unprompted dd has started to call him daddy, and though we always correct her, I (and he) both love it, and it really makes me appreciate what a lovely bf I have. I didn't want dds dad to know this, but I was fed up of being ignored all summer and of his empty promises, so I sent him a very calm email explaining this, and that dd actually didn't need him. I attached a pic of bf and dd together. I feel ashamed now, as it's quite a horrible thing to have done, but he text me back saying that as much as I pretend, noone else will ever be her dad. It makes me so mad! Am I wrong to allow dd to get close to my bf? He has been there since she was born, and before. Am I completely unreasonable to think that being a dad is not at all about biological, but whoever brings up dd and loves and nurtures her? I am just fed up of being made to feel like the wicked witch. I am trying to do whats best for everybody, and nobody's happy
Sorry that was so long, just would really appreciate advice from anyone with similar experiences,
thanks,
Littlelamb

Yep, free parties forever lol! It's sad, but I bought my bf glowing juggling balls that change colour and it was like all his christmases had come at once! I think uni just attracts the strange ones But all the jugglers I know (yes, there are many!) are all studying for really hard, serious degrees !!

lol but i think colour changing juggling balls would amuse me. i use to be able to juggle 3 balls once many moons ago, but i tried it the other day and just couldnt do it lol

He can manage 7 at the moment! And he spent all of his summer job money going to a juggling convention in Slovenia. Dedication to his art

aww bless

Thanks for all the advice everyone. Got to go to bed now, got registration in the morning. But I shall sleep a lot easier knowing I'm not the only one having to deal with this.
Thanks again,
Night night x x

night hun xxx

Ok, an update. I really don't know why this is bothering me so much. I emailed him a lovely picture I took of dd earlier in the week, and he hasn't even acknowledged it. AAARRRGGGGHHHHHH! I want so badly to believe that he loves her, as he tells me he does every opportunity he gets, but why not at least let me know he got it, or liked it!? I think I should just delete his number and email and leave it up to him, but that is so final (also think I know both by heart ) Why do I do this to myself when each time I know what will happen? I think uni is just beginning to stress me out.

i have my ex blocked on msn, but i still have him on my contacts so i can see when hes on. i only contact him through email, and if he wants to contact me, he has to ring me at home.

he never acknowledges things, or at least not for a week if anything, like i sent an email last week with ideas for birthday/christmas gifts for dd, but he didnt acknowledge it til a week later, although i know he read it like an hour after i sent it.

it annoys me that he doesnt think of ringing dd and speaking to her, and telling her himself that he loves her or whatever. he was suppose to be visiting this weekend, but guess what he isnt.

i use to let this stress me out, it still does at times, but before it got so much for me, i had a breakdown. i realised that i cant change who he is. if this is how he wants to be dd's dad then thats up to him. i cant do anything for that. ive even talked to him about moving down closer. at the end of the day, i think you should try your best to not contact him. if he wants to see how dd is, let me ask. let him show you and dd if he really wants to be a dad to her, rather than you chasing after him to be that dad you want for her. it gets us nowhere unless they do something themselves (the dads that is lol)