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He wont let them keep their xmas presents (sigh)

53 replies

lucie19 · 27/12/2010 12:08

Hi all I need some advice. I have got used to being undermined ridiculed etc by my ex and dont let it bother me now. When the children go to his house he makes them change out of their clothes the minute they arrive and into his designer clothes. The children have top of the range toys at his house and the implication is that I dont give them good enough stuff so when they get to his house they change into what is acceptable to him. I dont really care personally about this it used to really upset me but ultimately I am the one who looks after them loves them etc and I know they know this.
However they have just come home from boxing day at dads full of we got this and that etc but they are really upset they are not allowed to bring the new toys home to play with. They only see him once a fortnight so now have to wait two weeks to play with their new toys again. I am tempted to ring him and ask him why he is doing this but cant be dealing with another row. Any ideas I just want the kids to be happy and feel that he makes it impossible for them.

OP posts:
beingsetup · 29/12/2010 19:30

Just remember your kids are the judges, and they aren't easily fooled by presents and clothes.

Yes he buys them but does he spend hours playing with them, or send them off to play by themselves?

As you said the kids love you and that's all that matters...

daddydaycare51 · 30/12/2010 01:58

Its all to do with point scoring. Just by reading your post lucie19 personally i would just let him get on with it, children are not stupid sooner or later they will work it out for themselves and the novelty will wear off. You can only bribe children for so long before they get bored. And as for the clothes it makes no diff what you put on them he will want to change them, i know it prob annoys you but just dont let the children see it or hear any coments you make. He prob asks the children if you have said anything about what he is doing and if you have and the children have repeated it too him then its just an eago boost for him.

ChasingSquirrels · 30/12/2010 16:08

every time I come back to this I get more and more annoyed by the clothes aspect.

They toys issue has pros and cons both ways, while I have views on the matter they aren't overly strong.

But, making a child change out of (presumably) perfectly servicable clothes, is just making me mad - what kind of message is it sending to the child (who after all is the most important person in all of this) about everything.

Arrggh, need to hide the thread don't I.

tomhardyismydh · 30/12/2010 16:21

yabvu

gettingeasier · 30/12/2010 16:36

Wow he makes them change their clothes , bugger this thread is making my xh look like a nice guy Grin

teahouse · 30/12/2010 16:52

My Ex not only makes our kids change at his but on their return to me, he comes into my home and waits whilst they change out of the 'his clothes' into their normal ones, then he goes. I hate this, especially as I never go into his home (with hsi new wife - his ex-OW)!

He's not so bad with gifts but they rarely get good ones from him anyway!

lucie19 · 30/12/2010 17:20

teahouse he makes them change back just before they leave to come home so ditto. Ex's new partner is also his ex OW lol.

OP posts:
Janos · 30/12/2010 17:50

Agree that this is a pick your battles issue, though can completely understand why you would be riled by it.

The toys issue, I can see why that has upset you (because of the impact on your DC) but I would try not to let it get to you. If you think about it, it's quite reasonable for them to have a set of toys at yours and your exes.

If they are asking to take things and they are not being allowed I agree that's mean of him (my DS has toy movement :)) but ultimately that will backfire on him.

He sounds like a bit of a twat to be honest, making your kids change. It's a bit like he is putting his mark on them, isn't it? Aside from that thinks it important to have designer clothes on kids is pretentious and daft anyway.

Absolutely do not respond to any comments that are designed to needle you or get a response.

Janos · 30/12/2010 17:51

Soz, that should read 'anyone who thinks that it's important...'

TheFeministParent · 30/12/2010 17:58

lucie...How horrid for you. You must feel extremely frustrated and trapped by this man's behaviour. I would review any visitation to be honest, undermining you like this all the time is mental cruelty to your children. like you say you are their manin carer, the one they want to be with.

As adults they will remember what he's like.

TheFeministParent · 30/12/2010 18:00

tomhardyismydh Thu 30-Dec-10 16:21:49
yabvu

Really?

Miggsie · 30/12/2010 18:07

After a time the children will realise he is a twit...and a controlling one. He really is treating them as possessions not human beings.

Just have to grin and bear it and feel sorry for him being such a twit, the kids will find ways to distance themselves as they grow up.

lateatwork · 07/01/2011 00:47

hi. this happens at ours too. DSS (6.5) is not allowed to bring his toys from his mums to his dads place cause they might get stolen or lost.... i think its weird and odd and seems too much like a control game to be in any way in the interests of the child. its sad.

Resolution · 07/01/2011 09:52

I recall this happening in one of my cases about a year ago. the CAFCASS officer's report highlighted how damaging this behavior was to a child (in that case the father made the children change out of his clothes on the mother's doorstep). See if you can find some literature about it, and then send him a copy. Sounds like he won't listen to you, but he might listen to a professional.

Toys is a little different, and is probably based on a complete breakdown in trust. You'd have to build that up, though how to do that is the million dollar question.

He's a tit about the clothes though.

gillybean2 · 07/01/2011 11:00

You say they only see him once a fortnight and that sounds to me like they/you perhaps think it's a long time as they are missing out on their toys (and their dad). Is there anything you can do to encourange more frequent contact so there isn't such a long gap between contact? Maybe an evening in the week for tea or he could pick them up to take to scouts/brownies etc. Does he skype with them to read a bedtime story once a week or phone them? Maybe you need to look at ways of reducing that long gap between contact if it's making the dc upset...

Toys/belongings is understandable on some level. As resolution says it's a trust thing. My neighbour sent her dd back to her dad's with a mobile phone so she could keep in touch. Phone was quickly broken and then the next one was 'lost' even though dd kept it in her bedroom and it was just to call her mum on.

Also if things aren't returned the other parent is left having to ask or not having anything to entertain the dc when they are over.

Toys I think should stay mostly where they are. EG your dc may love a toy at nursery or school or that belongs to a friend, but that doesn't mean they can take it home. Certain items beloing in certain places and need to stay there. It's not hard for children to understand and accept that as it happens all over the place.

Clothes issue is different and agree it's wrong to make them change immediately they get in the door if they are in everyday clothes.

You also have to bear in mind that your ex's perception of what is ok to dress your dc may be different to yours.
We had a situation where my ex's dd would arrive in some really odd outfits (summer dress in winter, or several layers in summer - including vest and tights) as well as clothing that was too small.
I suggested we should buy some clothes to pass on to her and he said she wouldn't accept them and just bin them.
So got round things by having pretty dressing up clothes to put on when she arrived and then clothes arrived in would go in washing machine ready for going home in after weekend.
Eventually she did start going home in some things he had bought but they rarely got returned (only cocks and knickers seemed to come back). But at least we knew she was possibly wearing some of the clothes at her mum's as occassionally she'd arrive in something she went home in.
I did think some of the clotehs she came in were dire (but that's her mum;s choice not mine) and I was quite happy going and buying lovely dresses and pretty things for her to have too.
I think the difference is it wasn't made an issue in front of dd and wasn't ever really brought up with his ex that I was aware of at any rate.

Have you though about getting around (if ex picks up from school or soon after) by sending them in their school uniform so they can get changed out of that which seems more ok to suggest then changing out of everyday clothes into more everyday clothes.

Also if he drops back at school after weekend ds will be in uniform again.
Is that a possibility for you?
Otherwise you will have to try and point out that his behaviour is emotionally damaging for the children. Don't expect him to take that well though.

gillybean2 · 07/01/2011 11:01

eep, that should of said socks not .... Blush

singleproudmum · 23/01/2011 10:42

I'm in a similar position with my ex. He won't let our kids bring any birthday or xmas presents home so they can play with them when they choose to.
He has a new family now with small children, and It is so obvious that whatever presents my kids do get from their dad, these are intended to be given to his other kids. For example, my son who is 10 was given a bike for xmas which was way too small for him and my dd aged 7 was presented with a baby buzz lightyear camera.
My ex's son who lives with him is obsessed with toy story so therefore these 'presents' for our kids are not really theirs! However, to be honest, I believe that in some cases our ex's new wives like to interfere and make certain rules about our children!

I have had to accept some of my ex's silly rules, but there is no way that I would allow him to make my kids change their clothes to what suits him.
They would most probably feel embarrassed and I imagine this would make them feel inferior to him.
If my ex insulted my kids in this way then I would explain that unless he stops this then he doesn't see them!

want2sleep · 23/01/2011 11:31

ex did this for the two xmas times presents were bought and kept the toys and ds never saw him for another 6 months at a time. It comes a point the ex stops giving presents sooner than later in ds case. ex did the cheap nasty clothes too....which wouldn't fit ds the next time as 6 months apart in having ds. Ds has disclosed to me that daddy used to hit him (autism can induce fantastic memory)so so grateful the day ex sent me a letter from his solicotor that he didn't want to see ds ever again....but saying that wish it was that simple as he's trying to kill us ...or is it me Hmm now and I have not been in contact with ex for 2 yrs last time ex saw ds!

compo · 23/01/2011 11:37

But an 11 year old won't have physical toys to leave in one house or the other
perhaps his dad got him a ds, iPod , phone
he'd want to have that with him all the time and eventually would see his dad as a prize twat for enforcing such shit rules
I'm with the op

researchinmotion · 23/01/2011 13:46

My ex is exactly the same Lucie. Ok, I don't think he makes my DD change as soon as she gets to his but she can never bring and gifts or clothes home. I do find it rather petty but I haven't made a fuss over it as it's been like this for nearly a decade.

But now my daughter is getting older, she's 14, she's seeing how petty it is herself without any input from me at all.

In my situation I it's more the exMIL who is behind all this as she buys the majority of her clothes and gifts for my DD that are at his house and probably thinks her beloved only child provides enough money to me to buy things so I should get any extras - she doesn't see it's not me who loses out.

researchinmotion · 23/01/2011 13:49

Oh and as soon as he brings her back from his house this afternoon he will stand at the door while she goes and changes and gives 'his' clothes back. I remember a few times she didn't change and DD told me grandma was moaning that she hadn't had the clothes back. .

I wouldn't mind but the only time DD came back in 'his' clothes was when they were way to small for her. It took me all my strength not to laugh when he asked for them back.

KikiJane · 24/01/2011 14:07

My XH does exactly the same -- clothes, shoes, toys, etc. It's been 7 years and he's still the same as he was when we first split up.

But now my children are 11 and almost-10, they're starting to notice how petty he is and just roll their eyes at it.

XH's sister (with whom I still get along great) asked if she could buy my son a Ted Baker coat for Christmas. I said of course, but that XH would insist that it was kept at his house because it was his sister who bought it for him. She wanted him to actually get some wear out of it, wear it for school etc, so she just brought it to my house on Christmas Eve instead. She also rolled her eyes at how stupid her brother is sometimes.

OneProudMummy · 25/01/2011 01:36

lucie19 I'm sorry I don't have much helpful advice but I just had to say, your ex - what a prick!

He sounds exactly the same as my ex. A total control freak.

xx

Saltatrix · 25/01/2011 01:53

Ring him up ask him what is important to him one up'ing' you or making both your children happy. Ask does he enjoy showing the children that he can buy better things than their mum at their expense?

Say it calmly and firmly, I don't know his character but if he seems to enjoy doing things out of spite then he is likely to try to get you angry so he can 'win' the argument.

slhilly · 25/01/2011 03:34

lucie19, I have sympathy for you but I think this kind of remark is a bit worrisome, tbh:
"makemine thank you for the support and I am sorry to hear you are stuck with a complete numpty also lol.
I gues we just hold our heads high knowing we are doing the best for our children and knowing that children remember who loves them over who spends more."

That sounds like you've convinced yourself that he doesn't love the children. Is that what you think?

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