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Original poster

He wont let them keep their xmas presents (sigh)

53 replies

lucie19 · 27/12/2010 12:08

Hi all I need some advice. I have got used to being undermined ridiculed etc by my ex and dont let it bother me now. When the children go to his house he makes them change out of their clothes the minute they arrive and into his designer clothes. The children have top of the range toys at his house and the implication is that I dont give them good enough stuff so when they get to his house they change into what is acceptable to him. I dont really care personally about this it used to really upset me but ultimately I am the one who looks after them loves them etc and I know they know this.
However they have just come home from boxing day at dads full of we got this and that etc but they are really upset they are not allowed to bring the new toys home to play with. They only see him once a fortnight so now have to wait two weeks to play with their new toys again. I am tempted to ring him and ask him why he is doing this but cant be dealing with another row. Any ideas I just want the kids to be happy and feel that he makes it impossible for them.

OP posts:
Northernlebkuchen · 27/12/2010 12:11

I would write and say that by doing this he isn't hurting you - but he is hurting them and would he reconsider his approach to presents at least because surely neither of you wants the children to be upset like this.

As an aside - what a git - you're well off out of that. Don't thinh there is much you can do though except be clear he is hurting them and you don't think he would want to do that?

lollipopshoes · 27/12/2010 12:15

what northernlebkuchen said - although if he's anything like my ex he will think you want to keep the presents yourself (p'raps to sell to buy drugs [even though I'd never done drugs in my life!]) so don't expect him to accept this, but it's worth a try.

and I totally agree about the git thing - he sounds a right catch Hmm you're well off away from him yourself

BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 27/12/2010 12:18

no advice sorry - we have the same thing with exH and I - except it's me that decided that toys from me stay here, toys from him stay at his. It just makes it simpler - and I get to watch how excited they become towards the end of the fortnight before they go to their dad's about playing with their stuff at his (And I get the excitement when they come home having played on them).

The clothes thing is just horrid of him though.

JandT · 27/12/2010 12:19

What a great Dad he's being-surely he knows that it means they're annoyed they can't play or is it just that he thinks they'll want to get back to him and not realise it's the toys?!

How old are your children? If they understand that it's different at Mum's to Dad's (and weirdly we have almost the same situation with my MIL's) then just explain Dad wants to keep that stuff there which is fair as he gave it to them but they'll just have to play with it more when we're there. Tell them unfortunately Dad won't listen to you much but might listen to them. That way, he'll have to explain (saying 'well Mum can't have them there sounds ridiculously childish) and also they won't take any notice of him as they'll be playing.

I know it makes you angry and sad but all you can do is look after your end of it and wait for karma to catch up. My DSS by the age of 8 understood Nanny was a little nuts for what she does and why she does it, it was bloody difficult not telling him what I thought but wonderful to hear him say it. Yesterday he told me he didn't understand why she had bought him most of his presents as they weren't what he liked or it was clothes she said he 'needed' when she'd already bought him loads before.

Hold on and stay patient-it will all work out and your children will only blame their father for being a tit.

Original poster
lucie19 · 27/12/2010 12:25

They are aged 5 and 11 and yes you are right 11yr old just looked at me and rolled his eyes he is sadly wise beyind his years. The 5yr old does not understand though he just doesn't know why he cant have his great new toys. I just want to protect them from the hurt but there seems to be nothing I can do.

OP posts:
JandT · 27/12/2010 12:29

You're not causing the hurt and when they're with you there is no hurt. Your 5 year old will handle it much better than you-he'll get over the disappointment and learn that things happen or exist in their place.

DSS learnt by 7 or 8 that there are different rules in different houses. Although, he did for a while think he could be rude at Nanny's and if DH and I were there he wouldn't be told off. Do you know, we can still take pocket money away there if it's us that give it? Took a moment of MIL glaring but, it was a very good lesson. Grin

whiteandnerdy · 27/12/2010 13:22

If your only getting to see your children once a forthnight, I can understand why someone would want to make that time as special as possible. Therefore, see it as their dad trying to make the time with him that little bit more special. And therefore, I'd support him on this one, and explain to the children about toys being damaged during transport, or forgetting to take them back when there at their dads and hence not being able to play with him.

As to the changing of clothing and complaining that it's not suitable. Yeah I get that alot, drop them off and the Ex moans about how their too small, or not suitable and orders them to take them off as soon as they get in her house. I've not found anything to do about it appart from letting my children choose what to wear and then warning them that "you know your mothers going to complain about you wearing that." Again I guess it boils down to my house my rules, her house her rules.

K12Mom · 27/12/2010 13:25

I actually think YABU. It is completely reasonable that he would want them to have clothes & toys at his house if they are going there once a fortnight.

ChasingSquirrels · 27/12/2010 13:27

making them get changed is just completely weird and controlling. And presumably your 11yo will shortly be telling him that they chose their own clothes and are not getting changed.

But I do get the presents, in a way.

It is just hard. I try and take the view that their presents are their things, so if they want to take them they can - but I would prefer that they end up back at our home. Which ex makes sure that they do. And vis-versa.

beingsetup · 27/12/2010 13:43

You can have my ex's pressies if you like? Brain of britain got his kids (4 kids living in a tiny 2 bedroom flat) a massive non working go kart, and a massive non working rc car,which complement the full size table football which we cannot even open as there isn't enough room in the flat, and all his hoarded shit that he will never usestuff that is filling up the only cupboard in their bedroom.

Im thinking of just throwing them out of the front door, because if I have to step over them ONE MORE TIME I might take an axe to them Angry.

Anyway good luck with your kids, is there any way they can bring some over and not others?

beingsetup · 27/12/2010 13:43

oops the strike out didn't work d'oh

missmehalia · 27/12/2010 13:47

I agree that's really silly of him in some ways. Though I do see it in another way - they still need things to play with at his. Just a thought.. I do see how it looks mean. Either way, they'll probably remember it and have a whinge to him later in life! I don't think there's much you can say to him about it.

I do think the clothes thing is just plain weird. Aren't they lucky enough to be dressed, washed, fed, loved, etc?? Yep, just plain weird.

No advice - I don't think there's anything you could say to him that wouldn't look churlish. However, I'd have a good whinge on Mumsnet about it if I were you - that's what we're all here for! Confirmation that we're all on your side..

ladydeedy · 27/12/2010 14:36

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. My DH and I used to buy his children presents which would go back to the mother's never to be seen again (and presents from my PIL) and would be "lost". Then there was nothing for them to play with when they came here. Later on we'd find out that the mum had sold them at a car boot sale to help pay for her holiday!

Let them enjoy things at his house as well as yours and dont let this annoy you. As you say "I have got used to being undermined ridiculed etc by my ex and dont let it bother me now." Sounds like it is bothering you. Equally "Any ideas I just want the kids to be happy and feel that he makes it impossible for them." He is not making it impossible for them. You are chosing to view this in a way that makes you cross.

Original poster
lucie19 · 27/12/2010 17:38

Thank you all it is good to have other points of view and you have helped me see it another way. I will not say anything and leave it as it is. I find this situation so hard I grew up in a very happy home and never had to feel like my children do and for that reason find it hard to understand how they feel and have a tendancy to blow little things out of proportion.
However the clothes thing is designed to irritate me he makes sure I know that all their clothes are designer and I get comments from other members of the family about how nice it is to see the boys in such lovely clothes and isn't it a shame they dont always look like that. I might have more chance if he actually paid what he had originially agreed and I didnt't have to fork out for absolutely everything. The children get the best I can give them.
Sorry for ranting I am just fed up with it lol :)

OP posts:
BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 27/12/2010 17:40

FWIW - my DS's (10, 7 and 3) have never questioned the fact that gifts from daddy are left at daddy's. Even DS2 (who got an Xbox for his birthday end of November) was perfectly happy to leave it there and come home and wait 2 weeks for the next play Xmas Smile

Megletitsnow · 27/12/2010 17:41

Making them change into different clothes is nasty and controlling Shock Angry. I would be livid.

Keeping toys separate is probably a good idea though.

beingsetup · 27/12/2010 17:45

I agree with meg he's playing the "I'm a better daddy" card using clothes and presents, and that is really out of order. It's a real shame when any relationship breaks down to the extent that one partner would want to score points to make themselves look better.

Let me guess lucie - you don't advertise that he is not paying what he should, whilst he advertises how well the kids are looked after/what they are wearing?

FrostyAndSlippery · 27/12/2010 17:47

He's pathetic and childish Angry just trying to get at you.

I have sympathy - I'm on the other side of it... Early in my relationship with my now DH, I sent his DS a birthday present. As I always do with books, I wrote a little note inside the cover.

I was so chuffed when I found out he loved the book, but his mum ie DH's exW had stuck a label over it and told him it was from her Angry

BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 27/12/2010 17:47

agree though that the clothes thing is horrid.

Original poster
lucie19 · 27/12/2010 17:48

beingsetup thats about the size of it :)

OP posts:
ladydeedy · 27/12/2010 20:47

from the other side... children turning up with just what they stood up in, despite a plan to be staying with us for 3 days. clothes that were too small (literally cutting into waist and causing discomfort) and shoes that were too small too... and filthy and dirty. as were children (no idea when they had last washed/cleaned teeth).
I am not sure where the "mum is best" attitude comes from - it's not always true.

Original poster
lucie19 · 28/12/2010 17:14

ladydeedy are you suggesting that is what I am doing? My children are loved and looked after I am certainly not selling their toys to pay for my holidays. If anything I have sold many of my prized possesions to pay for them to have a good christmas.
I used to send the children with packed suitcases until he told me not to bother as he had bought them a whole new wardrobe. Now they just go with their comforters.
I think you are judging me on your own experience.

OP posts:
makemineapinot · 28/12/2010 20:27

Lucie - that is what my ex does too Sad - it is weird, upsetting and controlling. He makes them change (inc underwear) as soon as he gets them - even in the boot of his car (estate car) as they are not allwoed anything on that they wear with me . They ahve to wear cheap nasty tarty clothing that his NW chooses. Both my dc hate it and can't understand it. he also refuses to let them take any toys and has admitted before that he is buying their love beacuse he can Confused. I let them take toys fromnhome to his house bu they are confiscated as soon as they get there. All very very sad, but my dc (7& 8) are wise to it now and luckily they don't see him a lot (I know that sounds awful but they don't really like going and there'as a lot of history). I did try asking him for freedom of moevement of toys/clothes between the houses as the stuff belongs to the DC and should be their choice hat they want where but was told to F off. I to used to send clothes - but don't btoher now as they don't get worn. Your situation sounds scarily similar - sorry I haven't any advice but am now watching this thread with interest.

For what it's worth it doesn't sound like you are a neglectful parent in the slightest - justa loving and concerned one and it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job in the face of adversity Smile

Original poster
lucie19 · 29/12/2010 11:23

makemine thank you for the support and I am sorry to hear you are stuck with a complete numpty also lol.
I gues we just hold our heads high knowing we are doing the best for our children and knowing that children remember who loves them over who spends more. I take comfort in the fact my children sit on my lap and tell me how much they love me every day love and hugs to you :)

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 29/12/2010 17:31

i think you have to let it go - his house, "his" toys.

stuff at his,

stuff at yours.

i wouldnt want stuff i gave them left at their dads .
and it doesnt do them any harm really to wait between visits and to look forward to playing with xxx or yyy at dad's place.

the clothes thing is weird - but doesnt harm them really. he wants to dress them his way -so be it.

the comments - just ignore.

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