WWYD? WRT XP and his girlfriend?

[portaloo]

Have had problems with XP and his g/f before, but it's reached a whole new level.

I'll try to keep it brief.

Court order in place which says XP has access every other weekend, contact between us to be via text message or mobile phone conversation.

XP brings his g/f and g/f's DS to every drop off/pick up.

Just before the last contact, my solicitor wrote to me enclosing 2 letters XP's g/f has written on behalf of XP, asking my solicitor to demand I arrange for DD to have glasses immediately (letter says I am refusing to arrange for DD to be fitted with glasses which is complete rubbish.)
The other letter was to tell solicitor to demand I use words XP and his g/f deem appropriate for g/f's DS to overhear, since XP, his g/f and g/f's DS find my choice of language inappropriate and foul. no mention which words they are referring to.
My solicitor says she is not concerned with these letters, and has sent XP a reply stating that she is in the process of costing and closing my case.

Upon contact, XP asked if I had heard from my solicitor. I said I had. XP asked me what I thought of their requests. I said Rubbish!!

At this point, XP strapped DD into g/f's car and then shouted out of the window that he was never bringing DD back. (He has abducted her once before.)
I texted him asking if he intended upon returning DD, no response. I texted again a couple of hrs later. Again, no response.
I phoned his mobile that evening, he said he would let me know when he was ready.

I redialled his mobile twice, and both times, his g/f answered and wouldn't say anything other than XP is busy and will call back when he is good and ready!!!

XP left it until the following day to tell me he would drop DD off when the weather improved.

He dropped DD back today. (I didn't notice a vast improvement in the weather between today and yesterday tbh).

In DD's bag was a letter, again written by XP's g/f, stating that XP will no longer respond to texts or phonecalls regarding any matter to do with DD, and instead will put everything in writing and expects anything I want/need to say to be in writing too.

How can this work???? If I am to write down in a letter everything that may need to be said??

XP has signed the letters his g/f has written as if they are from him.

Apparently, according to the letter in DD's bag, there are another 2 letters they have sent to my solicitor which I haven't received yet.

I feel so angry, and feel like agreeing to their ridiculous demands, just to prove how totally ridiculous they are.

Have had lots of problems with XP and his g/f, and this is just the latest in a long line. They have written to SS, my Dr, DD's HV, now my solicitor. XP claims he wants residency and his g/f is supporting him in his quest wholeheartedly. I have at least 2 meetings/assessments every week at moment to be questioned/have DD assessed due to various rubbish allegations XP and his g/f are making. None of their allegations so far have been substantiated.

Now, I don't want to take DD for drop off/pick ups anymore.

Any advice? WWYD?

Get back on to your solicitor and inform him/her that as your XP abducted your DD you want to stop all unsupervised contact, and until supervised contact can be arranged you are stopping all contact.
You should also look into legal action against XP and GF for slander/libel/defamation, given that they have made repeated bullshit allegations that you are an unfit mother - if you have been cleared several times of their allegations against you then it needs to be on record that any allegations from them are malicious.
These people are bullying and harassing you, so it's time to hit back hard in legal terms.

I am raging with anger on you behalf, why the f* can't these women who walk into other people's families keep their meadling honkers out of it! For the love of God these dammed games are about CHILDREN!

There is nothing you can do, your ex has decided that he adores the drama as does she, and this is the way that life is going to be for you all!

Follow the court order, ignore anything else!

Be civil, don't put anything in writing, hand their letter to your solicitor, and go and live your life, leave the sado woman who feels the need to damage innocent children to her sicko games!

Thank you for your replies.

StuffingGoldBrass I have told my solicitor about the allegations, and SS involvement, and my solicitor is awaiting a copy of SS reports. Police have been called to my house on numerous occasions by XP, and they now respond with 'It's a civil matter.'
HV has no concerns and was rather impressed by DD's speech too.
I am going to take your advice though.
I was considering looking into a non molestation order or a prohibitive steps order, but unsure if either of these would be helpful, since I know very little about what they actually do in real terms.
No one seems to take much notice when I explain XP abducted DD previously. I called police to remove XP from my house (Abusive behaviour, 18 mnths ago, XP refused to leave without DD and police agreed to let him take DD for one night. XP then refused to return DD unless I resumed a relationship with him, which I refused to do, hence our first appearance in court.
I class him taking and refusing to return her as abduction. DD was 6 months old at the time.

MummieHunnie Agree with everything you have said. XP thrives on an audience and has done a really good job of convincing his g/f I am vile and dangerous. She, perhaps unknowingly gives him the audience he craves. This makes him even more difficult to speak to.
Neither of them speak to me at all, they make a big point of only speaking to DD.

I am also livid!!!

I think your exes behaviour is outrageous - and I think the girlfriends behaviour is marginally less outrageous, and she should keep out of it completely. It's between you and your partner, and it's about the best thing for your children.

However, you can't do anything about her being there at pick up and drop off.

Portaloo, get in touch with WOmen's Aid as well, they will be able to talk you through the various injunctions. I think you should be able to insist that the GF does not communicate with you in any way as she is not related to DD so is irrelevant to them (though you will not be able to stop her being present when your XP sees DD unless sh is a proven danger to DD).
WOmen's AId will give you loads of support against this dickhead.
Also MH is right about the drama but wrong there is nothing you can do. You can take out injunctions against them, and in the meantime, just put the phone down on them if they ring, ignore texts etc, stonewall everything with calm, polite contempt.

hairyfairylights My solicitor said that too.

The strange thing is...I offered, at court, to halve the cost of contact, by either picking up/dropping off DD. g/f refused point blank, saying in her opinion, I am vile, volatile and she was concerned of the effect me going to her house would have on her DS.
Now, on the last 3 weekends, XP has asked me to do either drop off/pick up at g/f's house.
I refused!!

I find it strange that if she deems me to be such a bad influence on her DS, why oh why does she bring him to every single drop off/pick up?
It doesn't make sense to me.

StuffingGoldBrass Would you know the contact details for WA please?
I would like to get in touch with them to ask about the various injunctions, and which would be most suitable for me and DD.

Forgot to mention, they have even cut DD's hair.
I appreciate it may have needed doing, but I was happy with it the way it was, not getting in her eyes, but long enough to put in little bunches. Now it is too short for bunches. and just a text to ask me what I thought about them doing it would have been nice.

sorry, he's her dad, he has the right, just as you do, to make parental decisions like cutting her hair, surely?

I just think you have bigger problems with him than him cutting her hair - like him threatening to abduct your daughter. and you should probably choose your battles wisely.

hairyfairylights I am sure he does have the right to cut her hair, but it would have been nice to be informed, not to have DD returned home with a wonky blunt haircut and no mention of it.

I agree that I should choose my battles though. My trouble is, I don't want to fight XP over anything. I'm tired of fighting. I just want us to be adults and discuss DD in a calm reasonable way.

XP does everything he can to sabotage my efforts to be amicable. He is so angry, and can't seem to accept I don't want to be with him anymore.

These girlfriends, I have noted, are always so quick to elbow their way into matters which should not concern them. I think it is insecurity over their situation knowing they are with a rat.

My xp's gf is also a bit of a sticky beak but nothing compared to what you are going through portaloo. My xp is too cowardly to be so wicked.

Portaloo, this is mental abuse. You may not have the bruises but this is abuse good and proper. You are trying to raise your DD and the actions of this pair of clowns must be causing you un-needed stress.

My solicitor told me not to let xp have my dts until he proved where he lived (has moved house with gf several times). Xp has several times broken contact but comes up again with threats etc. He also owes me a lot of money so won't push it too much.

You need to step in and get something down that until they can offer a (mentally) healthy environment for your dd they have no further contact. Supervised is fine. Oh and I do think, although I'm no lawyer type, that their accusations are bordering on slander or defamation of character (waits to be corrected by clever bod.)

This isn't about his "right" or otherwise to get his daughter's hair cut. That as an incident on its own, you might have a point hairyfairy, but I think in this case it's just another example of the continued harrassment of portaloo and how they are trying to undermine her role as the main carer. No doubt they'll be trying to say they had to get her hair cut as portaloo didn't bother.

It sounds like a really difficult situation for you portaloo. I think I would be trying to give them absolutely no reaction whatsoever, while looking into an injunction on the quiet.

Are you keeping a diary of everything that happens?

Portaloo, English law might be a bit different but do you have sole residency?

Silly me, of course he is abusive, as someone else said with every sticky beak who wants to paint the ex in a bad light there is an abusive men feeding her...

You can go and waste your time and money on court orders, at the end of the day if he is anything like my ex he will use any weapon he can, including family court and getting solicitors to write his vile lies to you, to get at you, your energy would be better working on doing nice things for yourself and having some counselling as if he is anything like my ex, he will thrive on the drama of courts and orders and ways to get around them, let him get bored with you and let him give the full force of how he is go to interfering big nose get the full blash of who she is helping to damage children!

Yes that's what I was trying to say giftwrapped

How old is your dd?

If he got her hair cut without asking what's to stop him taking her for an eye test if he feels it necessary. And buying her glasses if said eye test shows it to be necessary...

Does he have a sol? If not that it's not costing him anything to send these letters to you. If it was he'd stop pdq that's for sure. Gf may be writing them for him, but tha's no different than your sol writing yours for you. Not such you can do about that really. Just remember he's feeding her a pack of lies and she's buying into it for now (she will learn in time).

So you have a recorded incident in the past of him not returning dd when it was agreed he would? And now he has taken her away and refused to speak to you after threatening not to bring her back AND when he did bring her back it was late. AND now he's saying that you may only contact him via letter and that's the only way he will respond to you?

Ok so I think your sol needs to write a strongly worded letter saying that he needs to stick to the court order and that any further brech will leave you no choice but to insist on supervised contact in future as he has taken your dd and threatened not to return her for a second time, gave you no information as to dd and when he would return her despite several attempts to contact him, and he has therefore broken the order.
Also if the order states that contact is to be agreed and arranged through text or mobile phone call you should again state that his insistance on letter only now is in breech of the order and if he wishes to vary the terms he needs to agree this with you or go to court to enforce it. (And state why it's not acceptable to you eg while it may work for some things it does not work for all situations - such as him saying he won't bring her back and then refusing to discuss when he will return her with you except via letter...)

Other than that I would ignore the letters (as your sol has already answered and mostly ignored). As you said, if she doesn't like the langauge then she doesn't have to bring her ds within earshot or at all. I didn't bring my ds to contact collections when I had a partner with similar issues with his ex as I didn't want him to witness anything kicking off and I would often wait around the corner while he picked dd up.
Responding just feeds them, ignore and look into injunctions etc as advised above

Portaloo Do you have any support in rl?
You sound as if you really need it.
Suggest you phone womens aid as they are able to look at your situation and cut straight through excre-crap and physically hold your hand help you. Your sol sounds good back to them.
Hope you manage to have a good xmas with your lo. and don't be bullied into stupid travel arrangements in this weather.

Would it not just have been easier to write back and say, thanks for the communication, DD went for eye test on x date and her eyesight is fine, and yes, handovers will be polite and language inoffensive as always?

Just seems a bit like you are playing into their hands a bit and having this sort of conflict at hand over is awful for children. Your sol has said this stuff is no big deal - you can't change how they act but only how you react, you know?

Only just come on here today. Thanks for all of your thoughts.

Giftwrapped 'they are trying to undermine her role as the main carer. No doubt they'll be trying to say they had to get her hair cut as portaloo didn't bother.'
That is exactly what I expect them to say. They have told SS that I never change DD's nappy!!! What, NEVER??!!!
They do not trust my judgement with DD whatsoever, yet wont attend any appts concerning DD.

MummieHunnie Thanks for posting. Any ideas on how to encourage them to get bored with me?

Gillybean2 DD is 2.4, XP does almost everything for free. I arranged for DD to see optomologist and consultant at hosp (invited XP, he insisted on bringing g/f, then told me the day before they were not coming, but I was to let him know immediately what hospital said, which I did). I arranged for DD to be measured for glasses, and when they got broken (by DD) I arranged replacement pair, which wont be ready until Friday. This is why XP accused me of refusing to arrange DD's glasses, because he knew she'd broken them, but she wasn't wearing any for last contact.
XP does not have a solicitor representing him, he even represented himself in court. Not entitled to legal aid as wont sign on when not working, because he is not supposed to be living with his g/f. He wont pay for a solicitor either.
In court, my barrister spent half her time with XP and his g/f, relaying to me what his g/f's thoughts and suggestions were, as well as XP's, because poor XP had no legal representation.
Thank you for your post Gillybean2 I was nodding my head in agreement. I will look into injunctions.

mamas12 Thank you, My sol is good when I can reach her.
I have emailed my sol, and am awaiting a reply. She is going to email me a draft letter which she will be sending to XP as soon as I have seen it. Will def ring Womens aid, do you know their number?
I shall do my best to have a lovely Xmas. DD is with XP on Xmas day until Boxing day, but I am looking forward to Boxing day very much. (Trying not to think of the possibility he wont return her on Boxing day.)

balia If only it was like that, it would be so much nicer. I hate the conflict, I dont want that for DD. I have tried so hard to be amicable with them, to the point where I do not speak at handovers, and only communicate via text, but how on earth can we co parent via writing alone???
If I don't speak, or remain calm and distance myself, I'm sure they see that as a challenge.

What you need to do to make them bored is going to be SSSOOOOOOOOOO hard...

Right, take dd to dr/dentist/optomologist etc and don't tell them there is an appointment, dont tell them you went to an appointment, don't tell them ANYTHING, then there is no need for drama!! If there is a change in dd's health (not minor irrelevant things, keep bugs etc to yourself, I mean a diagnosis of a condition such as asthma/allergies/diabetes etc, major things that you would tell someone like the school type things) then inform exp via your solicitor so that it is recorded, let them think you don't do anything for dd and report you to ss, her medical records will show differently if drama is what they want let them waste their time and ss time and ss will not take it well if their time is being wasted!

If they are being sticky beaks, then I would stop allowing them control and let the see how lucky they were before when you were trying to be amicable, let them learn how lucky they were, when it comes to nursery/school etc, if they are abusive/controlling etc, then I would not even discuss education with them, I would go and apply etc, and once dd has started tell exp which School your dd attending so it is recorded and leave it at that. What a coplete pratt he is as if he had been nice you probably would have shared that type of decision with him, now he has made his abusive bed he can lie in it, that way he and sticky beak have no control, there is no drama and dd's life is peacefull!!!

Carry on with the courts orders with texts etc, refuse to do what they tell you to do, don't engage with them, it will drive them crazy and they will implode into one another after trying to get at you every way they can to try for more drama from you, do not give it to them!

When it comes to texts keep repeating things he says to you, give him as little as possible, be boring in your texts to him, if he changes times don't be there, stick to your court orders, if he refuses to give dd back call the police and give them the texts, don't answer the phone to him so you have evidence!

MummieHunnie I completely see where you are coming from, which is why I don't understand their request that everything regarding DD be put in writing. Surely this will mean they will know even less!!
For example:

They will have no evidence of me being anything other than ultra polite, if I write anything at all. (I'm always careful what I write/text and think it through before sending.)

Also, if they wont respond to texts/mobile phone calls, and I do comply with their request to put EVERYTHING in writing, they will miss out on anything which requires immediate attention, eg: DD going to Dr's today (which they'll want to know to stir up more trouble). In fact anything where time is of the essence, they wont know about until it's too late.

How can this be beneficial to them, from their point of view?

Maybe they haven't thought this through.

They sound like they want to set you up for something, maybe say you broke the court order and didn't text them and you have no proof with letters who knows, just follow the court orders! They probably want to miss out, text then you are following the court orders and if they don't repond they are game playing and don't want contact just to cause drama!!! They probably have some plan or things occur to them as they go along, it seems to me it is about control, just follow the court orders and you can't get into trouble, don't tell them about dr's appointments, keep things simple and bland as possible and they will have to find their drama elsewhere!!!

does in writing mean email or does it have to be letter?

the whole thing with glasses was clearly nonsense - good example of why you just ignore. her glasses were ordered.

i guess you might have said on hadnover "her glssses will be ready next week". but clearly it all only makes them look stupid.

representing himself - ah yes i know about thatone - makes it all so much harder!

Gillybean's advice is very good. THe main thing to remember with people like this is that it's a waste of time expecting them to be reasonable: they are not reasonable and their intention is to harass you. So disengage completely, document everything and hit them with as many injunctions as necessary. You've got enough, already, by the sound of it, to have all the professionals involved in DD's life (nursery/GP/HV/ even SS) made formally aware that this couple are malicious accusers and therefore their accusations should be ignored.