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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

EXp is late back with ds

51 replies

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 17:33

ds goes for contact with his paternal GPs every other monday and every other saturday. when teh grandmother has him alone she is always on time, no problems but when EXP is home (forces) he turns up late and brings him back late. we had problems with thsi when we were together. he would say he would be back at eg, 5pm and i would hhve the dinner ready for then and he would come back at 6.30pm with the dcs starving, and causing them to be late into bed (usually 7pm.)

ds is due back at 5pm tonight (contact is from 2pm-5pm) but he is still not back. no messages or phonecalls to say they will be late or where they are. i wouldn't mind if EXp had said, "is it ok if i keep him a bit longer" because tonight it wouldn't be a problem but there will be times when i need to go out and if he is late i will be letting people down. i need to say something to him but i really really can't let this become nasty, which he has teh potential to amke it when he doesn't hear something he likes.

how do i tell him this isn't acceptable without it coming across as me picking a fight.

btw i don't mean being later than usual is unacceptable i just mean without prior agreement.

OP posts:

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 17:45

bump-anyone?

OP posts:

CarGirl · 13/12/2010 17:48

Do you have a fixed contact agreement in writing?

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 17:50

yes but with the grandparents. i know this isn't the grandparents' doing as they are always on time. it is EXP. it is a court order for contact.

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Lulumaam · 13/12/2010 17:52

i suppose the best thing to do is to wait until he gets back and see the reason why? traffic/flat tyre/ some other disaster

or can't be arsedness

how old are your DSs? do either have a phone?

he needs to advise you if he is running late for any reason, that's just good manners, whether divorced or not!

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 17:58

dses are 5 and 18 months. only the eldest goes on mondays. the court order is only in relation to him but i agreed to ds2 going on the saturdays.

they live 5 miles away from me and i know it isn't traffic or flat tyre as he would text if it was a genuine reason. he hates to be accused in the wrong so he would make sure i knew why he was late. this is just him doing as he pleases.

i agree, it's the fact he hasn't contacted. it just annoys me that he thinks it's ok for me to put plans on hold because he wants to do his own thing. he did it to my mum a few weeks ago. was supposed to collect them at 11am and turned up at 12.45pm. my mum had missed an appointment and my gran was waiting for my mum to come and collect her to get her groceries.

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Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 18:28

still not back. I'm getting really annoyed now. it is just so disrespectful.

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CarGirl · 13/12/2010 18:49

Then I would be in writing that he must stick to the agreed times or you will no longer allow him access

If he's late to collect it's easy go out. Late returning phone the police.

If he has no court order for contact then perhaps just tell him to go get one?

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 18:58

well that's that then.

he has just left him back. i asked ds to go into the living room and i asked him why he was late. he said "i texted you at half 5" (so already half an hour late). i have had no text. he said ds was getting dinner at his (EXP's)mum's house. i told him that neither me nor ds had had dinner yet because we were waiting for ds1 to come home like usual at 5.

he said he didn't want to talk to me at teh front door lik ethis, i asked him where he did want to talk about it, he said "i dont". i told him that it was about respect and if he expected me to respect him tehn he has to give it in return. he said "and when do you ever respect me?" i reminded him of how he has had access to the dcs every single time he asks, without fail, i have forgiven every late pick up and drop off. i cannot emphasise enough how much i have been biting my tongue about things in order to keep this as pleasant as possible. we have been down teh solicitor route before an dit was awful, we didn't speak for 3 years. i really cannot go back to it. i told him tonight that i didn't want to do that and we should be able to agree on something as simple as this. he started walking away saying "well it looks liek it's going to have to go that way doesn't it" i said it didn't have to and it was him making it like this. he didn't respond and walked away.

OP posts:

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 19:00

i am gutted, i really can't face going back teh way it used to be. i hated it. i knew it was only a matter of time before i ha dto be firm with him and he would kick off but i am so upset. why can't he just be normal and adult about it?

OP posts:

CarGirl · 13/12/2010 19:01

How frustrating.

You can try writing to him, after that the next avenue to try is mediation.

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 19:28

yes i was just thinking i could send an email. could you help me with wording it? i need to make it clear that whilst i am not willing to be walked over, i am also not willing to allow this to descend into a petty fued.

OP posts:

iwillmakeit · 13/12/2010 19:44

Write your email and post it up, lots of us will have a look.
IMO men like bulletpoints and clear and concise sentances.
Take you out of it and relate it to the dcs

Good luck.

CarGirl · 13/12/2010 19:44

eeek

Dear x

The contact order for x & y states:

........................

I am more than happy should you give notice and that it doesn't clash with prior arrangements for you to have contact in addition to that.

It is in x & y's best interests that arrangements are not changed without notice and that we manage flexibility with mutual respect and harmony. To this end I ask you to request prior to the commencement of contact if you wish to extend the length of time, I will do my utmost to accommodate such requests. The more notice given the easier this will be.

The incidence of x when you arrive y hours/minutes was hugely problematic causing n to miss an important appointment. It would be appreciated if you could make contact if you are delayed by mitigating circumstances in the future in order to try and find a solution rather than cancel contact.

Unfortunately, in future we will not be able to wait for you when collecting late as we usually have other plans and commitments.

?????

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 20:02

shit have included ds1's name

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Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 20:03

gosh i have made it too personal and wishy washy haven't I?

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CarGirl · 13/12/2010 20:03

It's very confrontational, I think it will add fuel to fire.

It's very venty.

Stick to what it is important to achieve.

CarGirl · 13/12/2010 20:04

ah good, you've had a big rant.

Start again!

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 20:09

shit. I've cocked up haven't I?

i know this isn't AIBU but i don't intend this to be drip feeding when i say, his relationship/contact with the dcs is less of a priority than his relationship (good or bad) with me. that isn't intended to sound big headed or egotistical. he just makes it very obvious, phonecalls at 10pm, not asking about the boys beyond "are they ok?" but with me he will have conversations about how i am and what i have been up to.

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Niceguy2 · 13/12/2010 20:12

Ok. Firstly STOP!!!!

Secondly sit and think about it. What are you really upset about? It's not really to do with contact. The lateness isn't really a problem. The real issue is the implied disrespect from him being late.

Reading this thread I could tell what would happen and the predictable cries of deny him access. Usually from well meaning people who have little experience of how the system works and won't need to actually deal with the fallout.

Ok so now let's think about what happens if you both go legal. Your sol writes a snottogram to his. His replies with a snottogram back. Let's say he totally backs down because your sol uses so many long words that your ex cowers in fear.....you've now gained between 30 mins to an hour. Well done. You now barely speak and have a nice bill on it's way to you.

My advice is to look at the bigger picture. His tardiness is either because he is naturally late (is he?) or he's trying to assert some control. If it's the former then a snottogram isn't going to help. If its the latter then you've just played into his hands.

Taking it one step further, let's say you take it to court...a judge is going to take an EXTREMLY dim view about you withholding contact because the dad was late a couple of times (he'll claim) and wasting his time over a couple of hours.

Trust me. Learn to pick your battles.

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 20:17

i absoloutely don't want to go back to solicitors. i am hoping this email will get him talking to me again so we can sort this out. i will put off the legal thing as long as i possibly can because it is NOT what i want. i don't want to deny him access. i want to be able to say "yes no problem" when he rings and says "can i have the boys tomorrow"

the issue is that this is always happening and it isn't fair. my time and appointments are no less important than his. he would be raging mad if i agreed he could ahve the boys on a day and he had made plans to take them somehwere but i was 1hour and 45 minutes late. it just isn't on to keep people waiting like that.

niceguy i wonder if you have properly read my posts. nowhere have i said i want to take this to court. i have been there, it was hell. i was a nervous wreck.

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CarGirl · 13/12/2010 20:21

Just focus on pick up/drop off for the dc. You are within your rights to ask him not to contact you by phone anymore. Texts or emails only.

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 20:28

cargirl you are absoloutely right but i need to appease him or things WILL get nasty. if i tell him no phone contact he will get all arsey and make things difficult, you don't know him, sorry i know this sound sincredibly weak of me but i know he will get bored of calling me when he meets someone else, but it has to be his decision. if he senses i am cutting him out he will shut down all notion of maturity or decency and will become very irrational WRT keeping them late out of spite and making things very awkward. i have been there before with him and i will do all i can to prevent it happening again. i know if i bide my time he will distance himself and it will be his choice. it is very hard to explain but i know this is the best way to deal with him.

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Niceguy2 · 13/12/2010 20:31

I didn't say you did. Just meant if you take the argument to it's logical end if you both can't stop fighting.

The thing is, what happens is you shout, so he shouts. You write a snotty mail so he replies. What doesn't happen is a sensible adult conversation.

Right now it's not about your rights, his rights but a battle for control.

Play the long game. Just ignore it. If you've arranged to go out at a certain time, either arrange for someone to be in or simply go out and let him have his plans ruined when he comes back.

My point is that sending him emails and arguing is unlikely to work.

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 20:33

i really don't want to argue with him. i try so hard to phrase things in a way that he wont take offence to but it is a very fine line with him.

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