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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

EXp is late back with ds

51 replies

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 17:33

ds goes for contact with his paternal GPs every other monday and every other saturday. when teh grandmother has him alone she is always on time, no problems but when EXP is home (forces) he turns up late and brings him back late. we had problems with thsi when we were together. he would say he would be back at eg, 5pm and i would hhve the dinner ready for then and he would come back at 6.30pm with the dcs starving, and causing them to be late into bed (usually 7pm.)

ds is due back at 5pm tonight (contact is from 2pm-5pm) but he is still not back. no messages or phonecalls to say they will be late or where they are. i wouldn't mind if EXp had said, "is it ok if i keep him a bit longer" because tonight it wouldn't be a problem but there will be times when i need to go out and if he is late i will be letting people down. i need to say something to him but i really really can't let this become nasty, which he has teh potential to amke it when he doesn't hear something he likes.

how do i tell him this isn't acceptable without it coming across as me picking a fight.

btw i don't mean being later than usual is unacceptable i just mean without prior agreement.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 13/12/2010 20:33

Okay well I'd write a diplomatic letter - I'd like to think mine was fairly diplomatic considering the argument you have just had.

With regards to the phoning thing I would get in the habit of turning it off earlyish in the evening and I would prempt contact by sometimes texting him with news such as "the dc have had a good day and are looking forward to seeing you tomorrow/saturday" then turn your phone off - 9.30/10ish????

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 20:40

i do, my house phone gets pulled out most evenings and my mobile is often 'on silent' or 'not in the same room as me'. he had a problem with this at first but has learned that i don't actually sit in waiting for his calls, and that i do sometimes do other things. that's what i mean by biding my time, he does learn eventually but it takes a very softly softly approach otherwise he sees rd and puts the barriers up meaning we can discuss nothing and leaving me with very little otions otehr than using a solicitorm which again is a very last resprt for me o i am trying to appease him and letting him do the distancing so he cannot hold it against me and use it as a stick to beat me wrt the boys.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 13/12/2010 20:57

Sounds like you just need to come an vent every now and then.

Would he be more accommodating if when he picks them up you asked him "if you want to keep x passed y time please would you let me know by 4pm so I can sort meals out"

If he's more than 20 minutes or so late why don't give him a text, "really sorry got to pop out as have an urgent appointment, should be back about x if you want to collect then instead"

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 21:04

yes that is a good idea, at least that gets rid of the "i never thought/i forgot" argument".

I'm going to ask for the post containing dses' names to be deleted.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 13/12/2010 21:18

it isnt a battle you can win.
i is only what ? two days a fortnight??? "every other monday and every other saturday"

your eamil wont get him to talk it just engages in you this/me that...etc.

stick to the facts.

I need him back at 5 pm because we always ahve dinner at 6 . if you going to be late please let me know.

end of sentence. end of message.

al this "respect" bal bla bla - irrelevant - is engaging with him in arguments about who is "better". some people just dont do time - except of course in the army i rpesume when he is on time - but no he doesnt respect your times. but as it's only couple days a fortnight - maybe you have to let it go a little . my exP like this - highly anoying - only solution is to NOT plan anything around him being back on time.

"please let me know if you going to be late to i can give other child dinner"

realise that you cant rely on him.

CarGirl · 13/12/2010 21:22

Would it build bridges by actually apologising to him for being cross but that you genuinely never received the text from him?

He could of course be lying but the point is that you are remaining calm and reasonable. The less reaction from you the quicker he will get bored?

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 21:34

yes, an apology would probably help. and i was cross.

c'estlavielife, i totally get what you are saying but this really is more than getting the boys back on time. i find it hard to explain what i mean on here but i can't risk alienating him or distancing him by being so blunt. sending him a message saying "i need him back at 5 because we have dinner at 6" would be completely the wrong thing with him. he would see it as an order and would think "no way am i going to dance to her tune" he would be purposely late just to prove a point that he doesn't have to answer to me IYSWIM. i really can't emphasise enough how thin a line i am walking here. everything has to be phrased delicately or he shuts down completely and i am back where i was 3 years ago, in court!

OP posts:

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 21:35

i know i can't rely on him btw, i don't ever expect to be able to but i need things to stay as pleasant as possible. i bite my tongue as much as i can but i will not put my life on hold because he fancies taking the dcs out for longer than agreed or he fancies a lie in.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 13/12/2010 21:37

I would assume on the days he is having contact that they may or may not need feeding/be late/be early and plan food accordingly. sort of like a past and hot dog type meal that can be whipped up in 10 mins and eaten quickly.

Just eat at your normal time and if they're not there they're not there.

CarGirl · 13/12/2010 21:39

I completely agree with not hanging around if he's late collecting them but again just do it nicely. If you rise above it and remember it's really no big deal in the long run as he'll get bored and move on it will help.

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 21:43

yes it's going to have to be like that if he persists with this. as i said this is actually his parents' contact, the only reason he was dropping off is because he is on leave. normally it is his mum and she is always on time. i totally understand him wanting to bend the rules because he isn't here as much but he should be agreeing it with me beforehand, not just doing it and assuming it is ok.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 13/12/2010 21:54

The only other thing you could try is talking to his mum. You could try the "it's great that x wants to spend extra time with dc when he's home on leave but he doesn't seem to understand the problem with not keeping to times - particularly when picking up, have you got any ideas?"

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 21:57

we don't speak other than pleasantries at hand over time. she has been absoloutely vile to me in the past and the sun shines out of his arse as far as she is concerned so it would serve no purpose other than to stir up shite with her, not worth risking it all starting again TBH. i couldn't cope if things went back like they were before. we're talking physical threats on my family, shouting abuse in the street, nasty texts etc.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 13/12/2010 22:02

Nightmare.

Original poster

booyhohoho · 13/12/2010 22:06

yep, hence treading so carefully.

OP posts:

Original poster

booyhohoho · 14/12/2010 14:04

he has texted asking if he can come and talk this evening.

OP posts:

racmac · 14/12/2010 14:31

would it help if you offered him more contact on those days he has them - to show that you want him to have a good relationship.

Explain that you want him to have a good relationship with the children BUT you need to be kept informed. Or can you go and pick them up? would that make it easier - you are in charge then?

Original poster

booyhohoho · 14/12/2010 14:39

racmac his job means that he isn't home regularly so whenever he is home, we have agreed he can pretty much have them whenever for as long as he wants but it is always pre-arranged for example, he might phone the week before he gets home and suggest a few days he wants them and aslong as we have nothing arranged that can't be changed then i accomodate it. my only problem is that when we agree they will be back at a certain time and he rocks up 2 hours later. teh contact isn't an issue, he knows he has pretty much free access when he is home it's just this being late thing that means if i do have plans tehy are ruined. i know it sounds silly and people say, just don't make plans for when he has them but i actually would like to be able to enjoy my childfree time when it happens rather than waiting in the house on my own all day because he can't stick to an agreement.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 14/12/2010 23:05

Hope it went okay this evening.

secretskillrelationships · 14/12/2010 23:50

You sound like you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Just wondered whether it was worth thinking about this differently. If you know he's always going to return DS around 2 hours late, could you decide that that is really when he will be home i.e. you both agree 5 but you know it'll actually be 6.30 so you plan your life assuming 6.30. That way, you're not actually hanging around waiting for him and so you've not spent 1.5 hours getting increasingly wound up which is, after all, exactly what your ex wants.

Alternatively, could you try the 'this just doesn't work for me' approach. You are both different and see things differently. You are not making him wrong, just pointing out that 'it doesn't work for me if you drop him at a different time to the one we've agreed.' Whatever he says, don't discuss it, the only important thing is that 'it doesn't work for me'. It can be, 'well I can see why you would want it like that, but it doesn't work for me.' Or even, 'I'm sorry, it would be great if I could do it your way, but it doesn't work for me.' Not sure if I've expressed it very clearly but I do know when I've got to this very neutral place myself, it has worked very well. Because I am stating something that is a personal truth, I find I don't get sidetracked. To argue about it would be as non-sensical as arguing about whether rain is wet or the sun is hot.

Original poster

booyhohoho · 15/12/2010 09:45

he came last night as agreed (strangely enough, at the time we agreed) and i apologised for being upset the previous night. he apologised for being late and i explained taht it wasn't the time that upset me more the fact that it was assumed by him that it was ok for him to re arrange things without letting me know. i put it in the context that he would be upset if i had agreed to have the boys with him at a certain time but turned up late causing him them to miss out on a treat with him. he accepted this. he agreed in future to let me know before they are due home that they will be late. i have no problem with this as if we have other plans it gives me time to either let him know it doesn't suit or arrange for someone else to be here for drop-off. i made it clear this isn't about contact so he knows he can have them anytime as long as he calls first and considers that we may have other things arranged.

i feel better now that the air is cleared and hopefully this wont be an issue again.

interestingly, he has no internet access at the minute so hasn't received my email yet. the text he sent to ask to discuss it was all off his own doing so maybe he is maturing a bit? let's hope it lasts.

thank you all for the advice. i know it seems like i am rejecting alot of it without considering but this really is such a delicate situation and i just know the blunt, formal approach would be completely the wrong way to go with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

booyhohoho · 15/12/2010 09:58

secretskill i never thought of using that approach and yes i reckon, it could be the way to go. it removes all blame from teh equation and would hopefully bring him off teh defensive.

OP posts:

Truckulent · 15/12/2010 10:02

Well done communication does work sometimes

And well donevfor not listening to the stop contact and phone the police line I can't see that ever ending amicably.

balia · 15/12/2010 18:11

Saw this yesterday and didn't have time to reply - so pleased it turned out well. I really admire your whole approach.

CarGirl · 15/12/2010 19:58

Glad it went well.

If he upsets you again, I would simply tell him "I'm upset, I'll get in touch later when I can sort it out with you calmly" That way you are registering that you're unhappy about something he has or hasn't done, but not arguing or blaming him for how you feel.

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