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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How many nights does your child spend at Ex's?

31 replies

Mummalish · 08/12/2010 19:11

Just interested to know what other people's arrangements are and how you feel about it.

My ds is 2 and I never thought I would ever have to spend a night away from him, but now, of course I do. So just wondering what is the norm.

I want him to maintain a relationship with his dad, but I also want him to know where home is, if that makes sense?

Will he feel abandoned by me if he goes with his dad? Probably not, but I just don't know enough about child psychology. I wish I knew what my son was feeling, he can't express himself.

OP posts:

DSM · 08/12/2010 19:29

My DS is 6, and his father and I have been apart since he was 1.

He spends 3 nights a week with dad, and 4 with me.

It's not ideal, I would prefer having him 7 nights a week but then so would his dad.

However, I have come to view those days as my own, where I can go early / stay late at work, go out for dinner, meet friends for drinks, go child-free shopping.. Whatever you like to do. It's no consolation for missing your child, but I am strongly of the opinion that one parent is not more important than the other, and keeping things amicable has meant that me and his father are not only on excellent terms, but have managed to maintain a genuine 'friends' relationship, which could not be better for ds's sake.

Sorry, rambled on a bit there..

Original poster

Mummalish · 08/12/2010 19:32

I am glad to hear that you have a decent relationship with your ex. I hope to have that in the future (although can't imagine it right now).

Right now I just want to offer stability, and I am so worried the to-ing and fro-ing is just going to confuse him even more.

OP posts:

Truckulent · 08/12/2010 19:38

One does 4 one week, 3 the next, the other doesn't do overnights any more. ( bit older likes own bedroom)

iwillmakeit · 08/12/2010 20:34

I have 3 (7 today!, 4 & 2) they do the odd sleepover, of sorts! atleast once a mth, exh seems reluctant to offer any suggestions of any sort so I just tend to email dates for him to say yes or no.
Have to say they seem to love it even the little one, guess coz shes with her big brothers!
I on the otherhand hate it, but know thats my problem not theirs. I keep myself busy, go out if I can, see friends etc.
None of them seem damaged, I make their return as low key as possible, lots of cuddles and straight into normal routine things. But I also have to be quite clear as older ones push the boundaries with exh and try it on with me
Your ds will know home is with you dont worry, everyone told me kids were resiliant and it turns out to be true!

passmyglassplease · 08/12/2010 20:41

My ex has my 2 dcs from fri night to tues morning on his weekend and on my weekend he has them mon night so that he is able to see them every week.

It was hard at first as I felt lost without them and I still miss them, but I make the most of the free time that I have, so that the time I spend with them is quality time.

They seem to enjoy it for the most part, although they will admit that 'home' is where Mummy is

Mzdemeanourunderthemistletoe · 08/12/2010 21:04

None - and am very jealous of you all! In fact, I am ashamed in some ways to admit that I have never spent a night apart from them ...

marriednotmulled · 08/12/2010 21:06

I split with exp when DS was 2.5. He's had him pretty much every weekend since so 2 nights per week plus the odd week/long weekend during school holidays.

Kids are pretty adaptable and will adjust to a new routine if it's shown to be positive by their parents.

DS has ASD but has no attachment issues as a result of his weekends away. Mind you, his dad has moved house 4 times in the last 10 years which DS says is fine, yet I decorate the house he's lived in all his life and he is unsettled

ChasingSquirrels · 08/12/2010 21:57

not sure there is a norm.

Mine were just 2 and 5.5 when we split, almost immediately they spent 2 nights a week with their dad - one midweek (early evening and then he drops at childcare/school next morning) and 24 hours at the weekend - either Fri evening - Sat evening, or Sat evening - Sun evening.

Plus approx half of all hols except summer, when it is probably 2 of the weeks.

Lemonstartree · 08/12/2010 22:15

none. ffs, none at all

mumbar · 08/12/2010 22:31

erm since we split when DS was 13 months er 3 nights!!

Twice when we still lived avroad so 5 minutes away, that was twice in 10 months, and one night when we went to visit in March 2007!!

I actually like you wanted DS to spend 1/2 nights a week away to maintain the contact but his father wondered 'when he'd go out' if he commited to it on a regular basis.

Luckily my influence DS is more like me.

I would say it is good for a child to have contact, if its fom an early age they just remember it as the norm iyswim.

All I would say from experience or working lone parents who DC's are in full day nursery or working/SAHM whos Dc's are school age is try and make it Fri/Sat night and home Sun am or Sat/ Sun night from Sat pm so you get some of the weekend fun time with him.

Scruffyhound · 08/12/2010 22:42

My DS is now 5 yrs old and we split when he was 2. We lived local then so its was 3 nights one week then 4 the next. He met someone and kept asking every weekend not to have him. I was already with someone we had not been together long and he was great. My EX was so selfish. It now works out because we live 2 hours away he has our DS every other weekend. He is welcome to see DS whenever he wants. My DP is great with DS and is better then his dad but no matter how crappy you feel about the situation I agree if they have a dad they should see them its important. My DP never saw his dad until about 7 months ago hes 30 it was so hard for him and he hates that my EX does not make more of an effort to see DS. Im sorry to say my EX's new partner has taken over and his DS comes 2nd he always has even when I lived with him as his wife.

palmtreeisland · 08/12/2010 23:14

I split with ex before DD was born and he's always refused to have anything to do with her. She's regularly stayed at gps overnight though, to give me a bit of a break.

I think I'd miss her a lot if she had 2 or 3 overnights every week and I'd worry about not having daily contact with school, making sure I was getting hw/letters etc. We often do activities after school or at home and having her elsewhere for half the week would stop us doing as much, so I'm happy with the situation really.

Megmog2000 · 11/12/2010 09:33

DC have never spent a night with their dad since we split 5 years ago. He once said to the kids that he wouldnt have them overnight because he didnt want me to have a break.
Its all academic now, he doesnt bother with them and hasnt seen them for 4 years!!

Contessa101 · 11/12/2010 15:59

My DCs are 10 and 8 and have spent 2 nights a week with their dad every week, for the last 4 years, 1 week its fri eve til sunday,(at least it started that way, it now tends to be friday night and then the phone calls start first thing, saturday morning asking when can he drop them off!) and then weds till fri am. That remains the same throughout school holidays.

It was intially planned around work, so the evenings I had to work late he would collect them from school, the schedule has kind of just remained.

Although now kids getting older they don't really want to spend so much time with him. Am sure if my ex had his way it would just be 1 day a month for a few hours.

JoBettany · 11/12/2010 16:14

My DS goes to his dad's every other weekend and one overnight stay during the week.

I would also love to have DS with me 7 days a week as I'm sure his dad would too.

My DS is 8 and we split when he was 2. After 6 years of this arrangement I do enjoy the time I have to myself.

ChairmumSupermum · 18/12/2010 21:25

H has DS (almost 3) 3 nights a week and supposedly a whole day at the weekend, plus we have dinner together on a Sunday, so he sees the DCs every day if things go to plan, if only for a few minutes.

DD is only 6 months and H is starting to have her for a couple of hours at the weekend and is going ti start having her for dinner once a week after Xmas and we will work up from there. She's exclusively breastfed and as we have managed to maintain a generally very friendly relationship it has been easier to spend time together so he can see DD.

However I am very accommodating of work and sports commitments on his part, and he has been great when DCs were I'll and DS didn't want to leave me. I'm very lucky (but then so is he!) that we can work together like that!

ChairmumSupermum · 18/12/2010 21:27

I have to add that this really suits me while I am able to stay at hone with the DCs - I think I might miss them more when they start school!

beingsetup · 19/12/2010 16:51

four kids and they never sleep at their dads.

portaloo · 19/12/2010 21:50

Every other weekend, from saturday morning until sunday evening. DD is 2.

I was also concerned as to how DD would cope with being somewhere else overnight, but she appears to really enjoy her time with XP.

She usually comes back chanting 'more daddy, more daddy'

StellaBrillante · 25/12/2010 22:32

ds has refused to spend time with ex for the past 2 years, never mind sleep at his house. Plus ex conveniently moved to another county and has never lifted a finger to cover holidays or stick to any sort of arrangement - he struggles even with one phone call a week for goodness sake! Provided your ds is safe and happy, make the most of time that you will have to either truly put your feet up or do some adult socialising. Life as an LP can be incredibly hard and you need the opportunity to recharge your batteries and take care of yourself so enjoy it!

charlieliz · 26/12/2010 09:25

Indeed you do but sadly I now get no time as my Ex is such an idiot that my 2 DSs have now refused to stay with him any more. He came for a couple of hours yesterday and my younger one struggled to even talk to him as he just doesn't know what to say as 'we have nothing in common Mum, I don't even like him' This does make me sad as I have tried so hard for 12 years to only be positive about him, but now they are teens they have worked out for themselves that the man is an arse!

dobiegirl · 26/12/2010 12:21

How come you all seem to hate your kids going away with thier dads for a bit, I'd bite my exes hand off if he'd take them for an hour, nevermind a night, or two or THREE!!!

He won't take them out anywhere and I can never get on top of my housework.

I can't understand why any woman would have a problem with having a break from what is the 'hardest job in the world' - it is!, I don't care what anyone says.

macdoodle · 26/12/2010 12:26

None no nope none, but apparantly I stopped him having them, yes because the ONCE he was supposed to (DD2 is 3), he arrived too drunk to drive so I wouldnt let him take them. He has never asked again.

Bigbaubles · 26/12/2010 12:49

Dobie I guess it's a case of the grass always being greener! I'd love to have no twatty xp interfering in my parenting decisions/teaching my children bad habits/using the children to try and get at me. No amount of 'time off' would compensate for having to deal with my twunty xp for the rest of my life. There are times i wish he would just disappear (or get hit by a bus But I can see how from your POV you would welcome that time off!

ladydeedy · 26/12/2010 18:37

we have the opposite situation. DSS lives with his dad and me (his stepmum). his mother has not had him overnight once, has not asked, and didnt buy him a christmas present. He asked if he could see her on Chrsitmas day but she told him he wasnt welcome.

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