Can't get enthused about my life as a Single Mum :(

[BEAUTlFUL]

I've been a single mum for a year now. I have 2 DC and still live in the ex-marital home. I am self-employed, work from home, aged nearly 40. DC1 is at school, DC2 goes to nursery 3 days a week.

I just can't seem to accept that this is my life now! i have no plans for the future, am not building up any savings or anything, life is just pasing by.

Have managed to create a good co-parenting relationship with ex-H, which is something. We alternate weekends. but when the DC are away I just go out and socialise and don't get anything "proper" done.

The house needs a good clean, the DC's bedroom needs a proper reshuffle, I need to be sensible about work and finances... Instead I've poured all my energies into bloody DATING and trying to find a new bloke because I'm scared I'll end up on my own... but really, I don't even know if I want one.

How can I focus on creating a "proper" life for me and the D, now it's just me and them? I want us to be a happy team, but DC1 is naughty and tiring (possibly Dyspraxic) and I shout at them too much.

A year has passed and I've done nothing to move my life forward. Help.

Hi Beautiful; you are doing a great job. At least youve lost lots of wieght and look fab whereas I've been comfort eating cake for months. Must do dukan diet!

I'm not botheredabout a boyfriend but could do with a shag.

Yay for candles! I also decided that the kids toys all belong in their bedroom, not strewn all over lounge and dining room. They bring toys down to play with if they dont want to play in their rooms, but at the end of the day it all has to go back up.

Ex has kids tonight, so I am going to change the kids beds and then dye my hair and watch the Mad Men finale - woo hoo!

Last night I was very good when they went to bed (and I really didnt feel like it) - I made a massive spicy grown up chilli and then froze lots of me sized portions for those (many) nights when I dont feel like cooking for me, but know I cant have a bowl of rice crispies for supper again! OnceI got into it it was cool and was sooo satified to have a lovely supper and freeze another three!

I know how you all feel; sometimes life all seems very dull and routine with nothing to look forward to...

But is this solely a lone parent's problem? I'm sure many coupled-up mums are a bit bored with life- AND with their DPs!

I do timetable stuff, and spend most of the evenings when DS is in bed cleaning and fettling the house- and guess what? I am fucking fucking bored with cleaning! I've realised I need to schedule more time in to call friends, as I can't get out in the evenings...it always gives me a lift.

To be honest, socialising and doing stuff for you when the kids are away seems like an optimum way to use that time.

What cheered me up and broke up the routine over the summer was going off camping and to festivals in my camper van- funnily enough, haven't been doing much of that recently....

Maybe it's just that we've all got the winter blues. I prescribe: Spending some time making the house look all sparkly and nice for Christmas (I only have a 10mo, but I suppose those of you with bigger kids could have some fun getting them to join in), and: Inviting some people round to get drunk on mulled wine.

I always used to hate the idea of Christmas, but I'm starting to realise it's there slap bang in the middle of winter for a reason!

your post really struck a chord with me Beautiful and I could have written a lot of it...
Been divorced 2 and a half years now and also discovered a new "single" life on the weekends exh has the kids. I too have thrown myself into finding a man and I completely relate to your posts about feeling the need to validate myself or for someone to witness my life. Also what you said about being in the house so much - almost trapped - that you want to go out when you can. There is nothing wrong in going out but after the second post divorce relationship has ended (last week) I've had some sort of realisation. I need to learn to love the life I have now, or at least accept it. So I'm going to concentrate on making and developing the friendships that I've got and not trying to "escape" my life by chasing relationships on my time off. Any man I meet from now on will have to enter my world, rather than me running to his. I think it's a perfectly normal phase you are going through, wanting and needing a relationship but I have come to the conclusion that you can want one too badly and this just ends in disaster (it has for me). I'm now trying to take comfort in the simple things, slow down, just "be" and try and like myself again. Hope this is of help. I think you are being too harsh on yourself about the house and children too. Us single mums are notoriously hard on ourselves. You are holding it together. On your own. Much love to you. And there are lots of support threads on here for the "recently dumped" that have fantastic single mums on them. They have given me loads of support. Have a look and add a post :)

Hi Beautiful...I am in the exact same position as you...we split 10 months ago...he left me for ow.

I am also self-employed and do alot from home. I am totally disorganied and need to sort the tip of a house etc. Just need a kick up the arse!

This thread has helped so much...from tomorrow i am going to start decluttering, cleaning and doing all those jobs i have been meaning to do ...like ebay etc. Really glad you started it.

I am going to STOP eyeing up every potential man regards relationships etc...I will not renew my dating website when it runs out...I am going to sort out me first. I am not desperate...and will hence forth bide my time and concentrate on me and my kids...we are what is important.

We can do this together and compare notes x

Hi pineapple - I'm so pleased you posted! YES we can compare notes and cheer each other on.

So glad it's not just me!

I am decluttering my bedroom/sorting wardrobe today....also giving living room a really good clean ready for xmas tree at the weekend.

Good girl! I should do that.

Instead i've finally knuckled down to the huge pile of work i've been avoiding! Have done 1/3 of it, will soldier on.

Ex was really helpful and kept DS2 this morning so I could get more done.

how's it going beautiful?

Hi Beautiful, yes you are not alone. I lost my wife recently (I'm 36) and as well as dealing with all the emotions the practical 'single father' tasks and sheer workload can be a bit much at times. How I long to sit and chat, or even just sit!

Drop me a line, I am sure we can moan together!

x

TCG - I read your thread earlier. I'm so very sorry :( it must be so difficult. Are your friends and family around you still?

Beautiful, well done you.

Pineapplie at getting ready for xmas.

I'm having a meh few days now, I've been snowed in and cabin fever doesn't agree with me. :(

Cooked the dcs a lovely beef stew and jacket potatoes tonight and they both turned their noses up. (Teens grrrr).

Don't think I can add to the great advice.. but your post really resonated with me.. been a single mama for year, and am about to start a massive declutter !! can we do a declutter support thread..:)

Things that have helped me get through the year..

1. Get and accept (including paid) help

1. Do at least fun activity with the kids (even if the 'to do' list is massive) - we have to to plays, musical events, activity centres, events etc..

1. Do one at least one 'me time' thing. For me this has included casual dating, but I have no desire for an actual relationship...but also booking time to see friends, or just a nice treatment.

1. Congratulate yourself on something you have done this week that you are proud of - just skimming the thread I know you have loads to add to this list !!

I have not sorter out how to manage the house to be lovely and organised and would like to have more quality time with the kids though.

Hope you are still feeling better...