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Original poster

When is it ok to deny a father access; if at all?

32 replies

poshsinglemum · 20/11/2010 22:55

I really want dd to have arelationship with her dad.

HOWEVER; he treated me like shite when I was pregnant, begged me to have an abortion and threatened to leave when I didn't, offered me no support, messed me around and basically didn't seen me for 9 months. He went to sodding Iran when I was 8 months pregnant (long story; his late mum is Iranian)

He is now apparently st5uck there due to visa complications. He phoned up recently and said he couldn't wait to see her and was saving up for a visa.

If he comes back to the UK shall I bother or do I just walk away. Bearing in mind that I am happy without him, don't trust him and don't want to mess dd up.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 20/11/2010 22:55

He phoned up on her birthday and when she said hello daddy he started crying. The idiot.

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BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster · 20/11/2010 22:57

It doesn't matter how shit he was to you, he's her father. If he's a shit father then rethink the access, don't deny your daughter a chance to get to know her father because he didn't support you. You need to bother, your child has every right to get to know her father.

MsHighwater · 20/11/2010 22:59

At this stage, you have to take what he says at face value. Your dd has a right to have a relationship with her dad - if what he says is true, he also wants to have a relationship with her.

Give it time and see what happens. Don't deny him contact with her if he gets his visa and comes back to the UK. He might have been a crap partner but he still has a chance to be a good enough father to his dd.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 20/11/2010 23:02

I am worried he will take her to Iran or greece or anywhere abroad. How can I stop this?

A contact centre sounds so sad and impersonal.

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GypsyMoth · 20/11/2010 23:02

itts not about you tho,its your dd's right as per the childrens act.

why is he an idiot for crying??

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster · 20/11/2010 23:04

If you have her passport then he won't be taking her anywhere.

There's nothing wrong with a father crying.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 20/11/2010 23:08

He's not an idiot at all for crying. He's an idiot for getting into the situation where he can't get out of Iran ans see his own daughter anyway. All because he was too embarassed to tell his family I was pregnant . (and no; he's not a Muslim)

OP posts:
BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster · 20/11/2010 23:12

It's a very different culture over there. It doesn't make him an idiot. It sounds to me like you don't have any idea about what his life is like.

MadamDeathstare · 20/11/2010 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerBeatitude · 20/11/2010 23:13

Actually it's totally inappropriate for him to cry down the phone at his DD -what an emotionally manipulative thing to do. He's the adult, it's awful to inflict your emotional turmoil onto a child, it's not her job to carry her daddy's sadness. Fucking irresponsible and self-absorbed IMO.

That aside, in answer to your question, I would say when contact with the father in question, is likely to do more harm than good to that child. In your child's case, as long as he doesn't actually have the wherewithal to abduct her, I'd go with getting her to have some kind of contact with him - for her own benefit. If he turns out to be a flake, it's better she knows that and at least doesn't put him on some kind of pedestal, only to be further disappointed when she eventually does meet him. A contact centre might not be ideal but IMO it's better than nothing at this stage.

evolucy7 · 20/11/2010 23:14

Hi there, I might have missed this on other posts, but how old is your daughter and when did she last see him? Just trying to understand the situation :)

MadamDeathstare · 20/11/2010 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whiteandnerdy · 20/11/2010 23:39

HerBeatitude ... what do doosh, are you some zen monk who lives on a himalayan mountain chanting koan's all day. How many people here haven't got emotional at the wrong time and done something stupid, come on really put your hands up if you've never been tired and cross and snapped at your child, or had cried infornt of you children when your really feeling low. Alas I've yet to meet such a mythical being.

fuzzywuzzy · 20/11/2010 23:44

The only way I would try and prevent contact is if the child would be in danger as a result of contact with the father, otherwise I would encourage contact.

It's horrible having a man in your life who was horrible to you, however it's not the childs fault his/her father was no kind of partner to his/her mother.

My ex was not nice to me, or to our children, however he wants contact and I've done everything possible to facilitate this in a contact centre, where I am happy that our children are safe and happy.

I also have my childrens passport and a prohibited steps order, so he's not taking them anywhere. Thank god!

HerBeatitude · 21/11/2010 00:01

Of course I've snapped at my kids and cried in front of them.

But I've never cried about something to do with them in front of them - I've always made it v. clear that I was crying about something that wasn't their responsibility. I think there's a difference between a child realising that Mummy/ Daddy is upset about something/ crying about a silly film and knowing that Mummy / Daddy is crying about soemthing to do with them - it burdens them with a feeling of responsibility that they just shouldn't have to cope with IMO. We're adults, they're kids, it's just wrong to try and expect them to meet our needs, not the other way round, IYSWIM.

GypsyMoth · 21/11/2010 00:02

remember contact centres arent free tho!

Wellwasi · 21/11/2010 00:09

If I couldn't see my children I'd cry. And have when they've gone away

HerBeatitude · 21/11/2010 00:15

I would too Well.

But not down the phone to them. I hope I'd try and put their interests first.

NurseSunshine · 21/11/2010 18:55

What's wrong with saying "I'm crying because I love you and I miss you so much"? I assume that's why he was crying? Or should children be "protected" from that?!

It is OK to deny a FATHER access if he is abusive, violent or negligent, not because he has visa trouble and YOU'RE happy without him. It's not about you is it. You have a child.

houseproject · 21/11/2010 19:57

I would agree with most people here - it's the child's right to have a relationship with their parents. If the PWC feels a conflict due to the way the relationship has ended then it would be best to recognise that and maybe a neutral person could help to negotitate contact. A court can set up a prohibted steps order, preventng the asbent parent taking the child out of the country - - a PWC can apply for this and a court wwould make an assessment based on the facts.
I think it's completely understandably for the father to be overcome with emotion when hearing his daughter call him daddy. I've been overwhelmed on similar occasions and I know that I was not attempting to be manipulative and no lasting damage is done to the child. I thought society had moved away from men having to be strong, silent and reserved.

usualsuspect · 21/11/2010 20:00

He didn't have to sod off to Iran though did he

HerBeatitude · 21/11/2010 20:35

It's not about men being strong and silnt.

It's about parents not burdening their kids with adult stuff.

OK I'll relent and say if it was just being unexpectedly overcome, it's OK. If it was him going on and on about how awful his life is and how sad he is, blah blah, and laying his trip on his child and expecting her to meet his needs rather than the other way round, then that's shit.

Which was it OP?

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 21/11/2010 22:38

She was only two so she didn't really understand he was crying. he told me he was. I wanted a relationship with him. I wanted it to work but he fucked off. Looking back I can see the abuse.

I of course want dd to have contact. I just feel wierd about it. I feel a bit sorry for him but also think that this is karma biting him in the arse. As it normally does.

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Original poster
poshsinglemum · 21/11/2010 22:39

He wasn't manipulating her; I'm sure of that.

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Meglet · 21/11/2010 22:44

I don't think you have to pay for contact centres, ours was free (XP never turned up though - now that's a 'Dad' you deny access to).

Try family mediation to get some ground rules in place and put your name on a list for a contact centre - we had to wait about 2 months at ours. And hide the passport.