When is it ok to deny a father access; if at all?

[poshsinglemum]

I really want dd to have arelationship with her dad.

HOWEVER; he treated me like shite when I was pregnant, begged me to have an abortion and threatened to leave when I didn't, offered me no support, messed me around and basically didn't seen me for 9 months. He went to sodding Iran when I was 8 months pregnant (long story; his late mum is Iranian)

He is now apparently st5uck there due to visa complications. He phoned up recently and said he couldn't wait to see her and was saving up for a visa.

If he comes back to the UK shall I bother or do I just walk away. Bearing in mind that I am happy without him, don't trust him and don't want to mess dd up.

Sounds like he can't yet, if she's only 2.

Why did he tell you? Good relationship with you or attempt at a guilt trip?

I'm v. surprised that you would have to pay for a contact centre. There must be some criteria or other for whether you get the service free.

there are different contact centres . some are voluntary run. some run by CAFCASS. if court ordered, CAFCASS might pay. depends also on level of supervisiona dn if a report is being done for court or not. go to nacc.org and enquire. but contact centre not much differne from local llibary really for younger child.

ours was 140 per session! i offered to pay half tog et contact ging, EX refuse to pay his share, and spent three months not seeing teh DC but fighting with CAFCASS to get them to pay. in the end they did. so eh didnt see the DC for three months beauser he wasnt preapred to beg or borrow the money to see them...

this was in his "opposite of depressed" phase.

Usualsuspect the way I understood it is that he has family in Iran. Is he never supposed to see his family again?

Frankly poshsinglemum, I think you should be damn grateful your child's father wants to see her. Sorry he didn't want to be with you and all but as I said, it's not about you anymore.

I don't think you should see it as denying the father access, but rather preserving your daughter's right to a stable and happy childhood. Exposing her to an adult who has shown himself to be irresponsible, emotionally manipulative and immature can hardly in her best interests, whatever the genetic link between them. It's lovely for children to have the best relationships they can with their family, but it shouldn't override sensible evaluations of how that will affect the child.

I work with families in mediation and I've seen situations where the children suffer horribly and are effectively emotionally blackmailed to see their parent (usually the father, but not always). Very distressing and confusing for the child to be told that they 'should' see the adult even when the very thought frightens them until they regress to bedwetting etc.

I also wouldn't feel too secure just by hiding your DD's passport. It's not that difficult to seek out and use a forged one, if one is determined enough. I have known it happen more than once in my line of work.

What nationality is he?

If you are worried about him taking her out of the country you should get in touch with the charity Reunite and they will give you advice.

It can be a real concern and even if you have a British passport for her he can still get her on an Iranian passport.