No 'me' time ever, ever, ever, ad infinitum!!!!!!

[Solo2]

I've almost had 10 yrs parenting twins - having chosen to solo parent. So I know I shouldn't complain....BUT....

I need to moan!!!! I've had yet another w/e completely devoting myself, slave-like, to my DCs and to domestic tasks and I keep reaching 'break-point' - ie temper explosion/ inappropriate moaning to beloved DCs and then massive guilt.

Can anyone else identify with this and has anyone else cracked the formula to do it differently, without causing pain to DCs?

From early Sat.a.m, it's full on - up at 4.45am to seize the day before DCs are awake, with DS2 waking around 5.45am (albeit reads in his room for 30 mins) and constant laundry, making meals, taking twins to riding, helping for hrs and hrs with their homework (make that combatting their ongoing resistance to settling down to it!), making lunches, getting juice, finding them a movie to watch while I do more chores, making cookies with them getting supper, getting snacks, helping them bath, night time routines, falling into bed the minute they do - so no evening at all...never ever ever watch TV, sit in lounge, do anything ever whatsoever for me for pleasure..

Sunday is exactly the same and then usually around late afternoon, I'm in a stinking mood and DCs tired and bickering constantly and then I explode and god - the guilt and I fail at all the parenting skills I know I should apply but never consistently do....and then there's another working week to start all over again, with no 'time off'.

No partner, parents or family around to help. Do see other mums and their children - but all these are partnered couples families with their own parents/ in-laws etc. So they're less available and in any case, this is STILL part of the DCs lives and helping them socialise and not really got any kind of social life for me, personally, at all.

Yet, I STILL feel so guilty that we don't have enough 'quality' family time, as there're so many basic chores to do - not that I'm house proud - but laundry and meals alone take several hrs of the w/e, it seems!

I'm reluctant to get any child care, even if I could find some or pay for it, as DCs want 'down time' with me, much of the w/e.

I run my own business f/t during the week but am always, always there at the end of the school day to pick up DCs and do meals and homework help etc. So I only generate income when they're at school.

But where do I then find any time at all for me - even if this is just to stop the pressure building up so much at w/es that I end up being the world's worst parent?

I know there are no easy answers and that this life is my own choice but my twins are almost 10 now and after a decade of self-sacrifice - gladly made - I'm finding it harder to sustain and feel a bit like a slave rather than a mother! (Should add that DS2 has Asperger's traits, so parenting a child with particular needs makes it all that bit harder, as many here will know)

Who has managed to emerge, sane, from this kind of life - and what's the formula please??

Solo...I sympathise totally. I have 3 DC...the oldest is 16 now, youngest is 6. Although the oldest is 16 she is at home sick today and I find I cannot work while any of them are around; like you I work from home.
I don't even get the nights off...DD2 (6) sleeps in my bed as she suffers from nightmares a lot, and it's more stressful having to get up and go to her and settle her down again than just being able to cuddle up to her in my bed IYSWIM.
I have no partner, no family and no friends around me as I am new to the area. I get up, iron uniforms, do lunches, breakfasts, sign forms for school, get them all off fot the right buses etc. Take LO to school, come home, work while trying not to notice the washing up still in the kitchen from last night (which the 2 older DCs are supposed to do), walk the dog, work some more, pick up DD2, do dinner, bed times...it's exhausting!
Having said all that I wouldn't have it any other way apart from having a few hours a week where I'm not working and/or being a Mum.
Oldest can babysit but by the time the evening comes I am knackered.
Such is the life of a single parent!

I think you're doing a great job for a start. Couple of things, I wouldn't be getting up before dcs at weekend, do you really need to get up at 4.45am? At 10 years old they can be helping you with the basic chores, my dcs do and they're younger. Cooking, cleaning, tidying etc can be done together so it gets done faster.

I'd set a wake up time of a lot later too with a clock in their rooms and not to get up before x time. I wouldn't spend hours and hours doing chores. Do a big clean/tidy and then spend less time keeping on top of it every week instead.

I think you need to be easier on yourself.

i do know what you mean - but they will get older and more independent.... can you arrange for them to go on sleepovers on same day one weekend a month?

and yes why get up at 4.45 am - that makes no sense!

can you afford a cleaner - couple hours per week to do some basics?

I don't think you need to supervise 10 year olds too much at bath and bed time. I do minimal housework. Do you have unrealistic standards?

why dont you put them in after school club a coupple of afternons a week? or send them on saturdays to a drama/football etc club?

why not have one evening a week you get a sitter and do an evening class/club yourself?

they are nearly ten...and see you every day and all weekend...
time tog ive them more independence?

is it possible for you to have a bath in peace while the kids are watching a movie?

while the twins are in riding, can you go to
cafe for a drink in peace?

I do think they can start to help a bit more around the house. They are capable of making ccereal and a sandwich. (Although there will be a mess lol)

Thanks. They already do 2 after school school based clubs but this doesn't extend the day all that much for me and then all the homework and supper and stuff just gets shoved forward and has to be done when everyone is more tired.

I am exhausted by early evening, so have no desire at all to go out and do an evening class. I'm awake by 4.45am so that i get a little bit of quiet time before the day's onslaught and I hate waking to immediate demands. DS2 has some difficulties so we haven't done any sleepovers yet, although DS1 could do them but then I'd have to reciprocate and the thought of caring for 3 children - and a threesome never really works with my twins - is off-putting!

DS2 needs quite a lot of support still with personal hygiene/ self-care and so I've just kept that up with DS1 too but needn't really for him.

The riding stables are 40 mins from home and the lesson only lasts 3o mins and there's nowhere nearby to go to in that short time - so I'm pretty much expected to watch abd comment before, during and after. I like being around horses but anyway, it's just not enough a block of time to do anything with for me.

Every so often, I do the 'talk' to DCs like, "OK, So you HAVE to do more in the house and work as a team...pack school bags, get your own food/ drinks etc etc..." and then we have a big row and they comply but with HUGE effort on my part and everything takes much much longer to do and then I just give up again!

The night-time routine really gets me confused. On the one hand, it can't be long before they don't want hugs/ cuddles and special time anymore and it's at best, a time of day when we all feel close and they regress a bit. I want to be able to 'enjoy' this kind of closeness whilst it lasts before they become morose adolescents!

On the other hand, I'm sick of the repetitive pattern/ their expectations that we'll ALWAYS do the same routine - which in any case, ALWAYS leads to a row, as they disagree about what we'll do or how we'll do it - eg one wants to play cards with all 3 of us - but then DS2 can't cope with losing - or the other wants to enact some complex game with teddy bears, with me watching - All this happens in my bed/ my bedroom and takes around an hour or more post baths.

Occasionally, I'd like the flexibility of them happily going off to bed alone to read (although DS1 hates reading!), whilst I chill out alone. Every time I suggest this, they take it as some huge threat and punishment and get v upset.

So what happens is that I 'do' their night-time routine till finally they're in their own rooms and i kiss them goodnight and by that time, it's about 9pm and I just 'crawl' off to bed myself, exhausted.

Incidentally, I have cleaners once a fortnight but I always find it a bit of a nightmare getting ready for them, as everything needs to be cleared up, so cleaners can access surfaces for cleaning. That's another reason it's difficult to force Dcs to make their own food/ snacks, as there's rarely a free surface/ clean chopping board etc in the kitchen and I'm constantly trying to unload or reload dishwasher. I have tried to get the DCs to out rubbish in bins rather than on floor all over house and take plates to kitchen. I've failed.

Right now, they're watching TV, as they didn't have homework for once (usually it takes the whole evening to support them to do it all) but I've already made one main supper, and for DS1 - three follow-up snacks (he's on a growth spurt - and now gone down for a fifth time to give them some pudding. So my time to do and check emails has been interrupted.

So right now, my choices are: unload and re-load dishwasher? do some paperwork for my business? tidy some of the endless clean laundry away from the several piles in laundry baskets? carry on on MN (obviously choosing this right now)?.....The endless domestic tasks and DCs needs always win over my needs or interrupt the fulfillment of my needs.

Anyway, it does help to moan on MN! and I know that it won't be far off before the DCs need me a lot less and I'm then thinking - why did I not give them more quality time? the one thing I hadn't really imagined before having children was the endless, interminable, draining domestic tasks that multiply exponentially with having children!

I do sympathise. But you simply have to lower your standards, especially re cleaning.

Re going to bed, get some story CD's, so they can have a story read to them while you get some peace downstairs. My ds has always gone to bed with a story or song CD (nursery rhymes not 'pop')

Do not get up so early. You wandering around is bound to have them thinking it's ok to get up too. No wonder you're so tired getting up at that hour. Put a note on your door. If sign is up they get up watch tv and get cereal on their own.

Yes I know it's hard when you have to stand over them/help and there's more mess to tudy up as a result. But if you don't let them try how will they ever learn.

My ds first got his own cereal. Then he learnt he had to put the bowl in the sink and rinse it. Am hoping soon that he'll be moving on to doing a bit of washing up (he does it at scouts because it's fun there )

And while they're at their riding lesson take a magazine or puzzle book and go and sit elsewhere or outside even with it. A tiny bit of me time can make a huge difference. They have the drive home to tell you how the lesson went.

And if you can afford it get a babysitter, even if it's just for an hour during the day on a weekend. And go to a coffee shop or the library or for a swim, or a walk or somewhere you can just sit and relax for a while.

And homework for 10 year olds shouldn't take all evening. Can you speak to the school for some advice?

Why don't you relax your list of 'must do's' and also at 10 they are more than old enough to be helping out here. Possibly not to be cooking a full meal...although some may disagree...but they are certainly old enough to make a sandwich, put washing away etc. also 10 is very different from 2, it sounds as they they allow you to do this...stop trying to be Super Mum...it's unachievable in fact all you do achieve is to be completely knackered, snappy and resentful...you need to plan some time in for yourself...relax your 'standards'

This reminds me of a valuable lesson I learned when my DD was 4. She'd not long started school. Everytime she went for a no.2, she'd call me: "DADDDDDD! Come and wipe my BUUUMMMM!". This I duly did.

Until one day I asked her....

"Do you have poo's at school?"

"Yes" she replied.

"So who wipes your bum then?" I ask.

"I wipe it myself!" came the reply.

Big lesson learned for me. Why do something themselves if some muppet's going to do it for you.

Solo2, you need to start making them responsible for themselves. That means they take not only the responsibility but the consequences too.

You are their parent. Your job is not to wait on them hand & foot. Your first priority is to teach them to become people who can stand on their own two feet and manage without you.

what Shiney and niceguy said.

You need to step back and become their mother.

Otherwise, you'll remain their slave - the power is all theirs right now, because you give it to them. You are the parent. I'm sure if anyone in your business life treated you this way you wouldn't stand for it, so put your foot down and keep it down. There will be resistance, both immediately and at some point later on when they have another try. Keep your foot down. That's consistency - read your posts - you give in to them far too easily...

Never do anything for children they can do themselves - golden rule for me and as a result I have a happily independent 4 year old and a very easily life. My second rule is to sleep until at least 9am on Sundays. My third rule is to clean only when it really really needs it.

I agree you need to drop your standards and have a day (say once every 2 weeks) when everyone stays in their pajamas all day cuddling, reading books, watching films and eating very easy to prepare food.

I'm sure you are doing a wonderful job, you just need to make it more enjoyable and less exhausing for you.

How do you sleep till 9am?? I would love that, it would make all week worth it for me!
My 9yr old is fine, and will sleep or get up and watch TV, but my 3yr old wants me up, and happily bounces on my head till I oblige, from about 6am :(

It is exhausting and relentless being a single parent, that it is hard to get the energy to change things.

The key is to set very, very small goals, rather than expecting the kids from doing nothing to suddenly be an adult.

For example, after a meal, all kids have to bring out their own dishes. Then, a week later, everyone has to help washing the dishes, one brush the floor, one scrape leftovers into recycling bin, one put things on the worksurface away. It probably won't even be done very well, but that isn't your goal, your goal is to get them to help a bit more.

My kids have to do the dishes once a week. They don't clean the cooker, or will be professional cleaners but I don't feel resentful that they are learning to be independent.

I do understand the bedtime routine though. It is nice that you want kids to remember a routine. So keep this for now, just focus on smaller goals.

how does that sound?

And for heaven's sake why can't they get their own juice?!

In 8 years, they could be leving home - can they make beans on toast? Make their beds? Put on a duvet cover? Do they know how to clean the bath? Do they know that the toilet fairies do not actually exist? Will they have learnt to load / unload the dishwasher by then.

you need to re-evaluate your priorities. Why do you feel the need to do everything for them? At this age, you shouldn't be spending hours doing homework for them, they need to be learning themselves, not just learning that mum will do their homework! When will you stop? 12? 14? 16? They won't let you into the exam room you know!

Any ffs why get up at 4.45am?! That is crippling. What on earth is so importnat that it can't wait until 5.45, and to be honest, a 10year old should be able to make juice and cereal for their own breakfast, and you could get up at 6.15am. Are they genuinely unable to do that? If so I would see your GP!

You know it is your duty not to be a slave, not to sacrifice every waking minute to serving their every need, but to help them grow into adults. I would guess that they would struggle with very simple tasks tbh and being able to do things for themselves will give them self esteem and confidence.

I think the problem is with you - sorry! Their 'needs' are fulfilling needs in you - you need to be needed, but unless you reassess, you are going be resentful, perhaps depressed, you will lose yourself, and then you're children will leave home, not be able to cope, still be demanding, expect life to meet their every need without any effort on their part... oh dear. have I made my point yet?

Macdoodle, luckily I am quite good at sleeping through anything, even bounces on the head. Sometimes I have to put a DVD, pile of books and a bowl of cereal in front of her, then back to sleep. There is usually quite a lot of mess when I wake up, but its worth it and dd tidies up with me.

Solo2, I have no advice but, fuck me what a jog you are doing! You rock, seriously.

I wonder if you are overcompensating and overparenting out of some misguided guilt at deliberately choosing to be a single parent. There is virtually nothing on your list that I would do for my 6 yr old other than taking/collecting from activities. You need to allow your twins to do what they are capable of doing for themselves.

You also need to pick your battles and be consistent. It is hard to get ten year olds to start doing stuff for themselves when they are used to having everything done for them. I would start with something small and stick with it no matter what battles ensue. If you give in all it tells them is they have won again and dont need to bother.

lone parent by choice here to but only 1 fice yr old. I take my hat off to anyone who has coped with twins but I suspect you are coping a bit too much and they not enough...

Don't clean up for the cleaner, find a cleaner who is a good tidier instead.

Boys should be putting their plates in the dishwasher not even just putting themaway in the kitchen. Even my five year oldknows he has to clear his own plate to the kitchen (next stop dishwasher) and he is expected to get his own (basic) snacks and drinks.

Nothing would induce me to be up at 4.45am but if you insist then yes you are going to be buggered by 9pm. Can't you forgo the time int eh morning and have more time to yourself after bedtime - then you might resent the bedtime routine a bit less.

There is very little that you do for your 10 year olds that I would do for my 7 year old, who also has adhd and asd. My four year old gets his own drinks. My 7 year olds gets his own snacks (he makes himself a sandwich) and his little brother's too.

My 7 year old puts the bins and recycling out, with help from the 4 year old. They are NOt Allowed to leave rubbish on the floor - we do not leave the house for anything fun until the floor is clear.

My 7 year old tidies toys - he does this for the carrot of computer time.

The bedtime routine - seriously - this is where your me-time is going.

Take them upstairs, supervise self hygeine, tell them to get into bed, read a story of YOUR choice, or alternating choices ("You chose yesterday, he chooses today, The End") then go downstairs and rapid-return anyone who gets up with no further conversation. If they don't want to read - fine - go to sleep then.

the drinks - buy a large plastic lidded jug. Fill with juice. Place in fridge. Provide 2 step-stools in kitchen.

"Mum I need a drink!"

"That's 'may I have' and yes, you may. The cups are in the cupboard. The juice is in the fridge. If you want a clean cup, you will need to fetch the last cup you used and you will need to wash it."

"Mum I need a snack!"
"That's 'may I have' and yes you may. The bread is in the cupboard, the butter and ham is in the fridge. Don't make a mess."

The laundry - WHY are you doing all this yourself? My 4 year old can get everything out of a tumble drier and refill it with everything his 7 year old brother has just emptied out of the washing machine! Then all they have to do is load their uniforms and other clothes in, put the detergant in, turn the dial to 40 and press 'start'! It's not rocket science - if you can use a Wii you can damn well use a washing machine!

Movies while you do chores? No. They help you or they put their own movies on. My 4 year old can put a DVD on for himself.

They enjoy the independance, trust me. In black and white, my children look like slaves but in reality, these things take up maybe ten minutes of their day.

How will you know what they can do unless you make them try?

You have enslaved yourself and you're not doing the kids any favours either.