No 'me' time ever, ever, ever, ad infinitum!!!!!!

[Solo2]

I've almost had 10 yrs parenting twins - having chosen to solo parent. So I know I shouldn't complain....BUT....

I need to moan!!!! I've had yet another w/e completely devoting myself, slave-like, to my DCs and to domestic tasks and I keep reaching 'break-point' - ie temper explosion/ inappropriate moaning to beloved DCs and then massive guilt.

Can anyone else identify with this and has anyone else cracked the formula to do it differently, without causing pain to DCs?

From early Sat.a.m, it's full on - up at 4.45am to seize the day before DCs are awake, with DS2 waking around 5.45am (albeit reads in his room for 30 mins) and constant laundry, making meals, taking twins to riding, helping for hrs and hrs with their homework (make that combatting their ongoing resistance to settling down to it!), making lunches, getting juice, finding them a movie to watch while I do more chores, making cookies with them getting supper, getting snacks, helping them bath, night time routines, falling into bed the minute they do - so no evening at all...never ever ever watch TV, sit in lounge, do anything ever whatsoever for me for pleasure..

Sunday is exactly the same and then usually around late afternoon, I'm in a stinking mood and DCs tired and bickering constantly and then I explode and god - the guilt and I fail at all the parenting skills I know I should apply but never consistently do....and then there's another working week to start all over again, with no 'time off'.

No partner, parents or family around to help. Do see other mums and their children - but all these are partnered couples families with their own parents/ in-laws etc. So they're less available and in any case, this is STILL part of the DCs lives and helping them socialise and not really got any kind of social life for me, personally, at all.

Yet, I STILL feel so guilty that we don't have enough 'quality' family time, as there're so many basic chores to do - not that I'm house proud - but laundry and meals alone take several hrs of the w/e, it seems!

I'm reluctant to get any child care, even if I could find some or pay for it, as DCs want 'down time' with me, much of the w/e.

I run my own business f/t during the week but am always, always there at the end of the school day to pick up DCs and do meals and homework help etc. So I only generate income when they're at school.

But where do I then find any time at all for me - even if this is just to stop the pressure building up so much at w/es that I end up being the world's worst parent?

I know there are no easy answers and that this life is my own choice but my twins are almost 10 now and after a decade of self-sacrifice - gladly made - I'm finding it harder to sustain and feel a bit like a slave rather than a mother! (Should add that DS2 has Asperger's traits, so parenting a child with particular needs makes it all that bit harder, as many here will know)

Who has managed to emerge, sane, from this kind of life - and what's the formula please??

"The riding stables are 40 mins from home and the lesson only lasts 3o mins and there's nowhere nearby to go to in that short time - so I'm pretty much expected to watch abd comment before, during and after. I like being around horses but anyway, it's just not enough a block of time to do anything with for me." I have a similar issue - I buy a coffee (or take one with you) and a book and sit in teh car with the radio on blissfully reading. At 10 they can even come and find you when they are done.

Colditz, what a great post. I can see some things I need to get my 6 year old doing, to give her the independence she probably needs.

It sounds like you are doing too much for them. At ten they can find their own DVD and get their own juice for starters! They can actually put their own laundry on too at ten, surely? Why not give yourself a little bit of a lie in?

colditz - spot on - i get the "i am hungry" too - ot which yes - i have learned to say "so everythign is in the kitchen..2 the 8 and 10 year old are much better at doing it for themselves.

and my autistic 14 year old with SLD just raids the cupboards when he hungry.... (leaving trail of apple cores or crumbs, but hey)

and dont clean for the cleaner that is nuts - get a coup;le large baskets and sweep everything into them if needs be. .

it does take a mindset solo - read thru some of these posts again.

re: your ds2 - does he have a formal diagnosis? a statement at school? if yes you might be able to access additional help via social services or local special needs org, buddying schemes or other services. he cant go for a sleepover with friends? then you need to think longer term about sleepovers for him at specialist respite services.

look at activity groups like scouts which are inclusive and may provide other opportunities for eventual sleepovers, camps away and so on.

Everyone is absolutely right! I know, I know!

So, having read all your responses and words of wisdom, I asked myself why I'm not acting sensibly, given I can't fault anyone's logic?

Well these are the feelings that trap me into maintaining the pattern:

1)Concern that DCs have such a hard working life at school, loads of homework/ music practice etc etc that the last thing they want or need when they get home is more 'work' of a different kind and the least I can do is to 'look after' their needs.

However, as I'm sure many of you would respond, a) it's not helping them to believe that there'll always be someone (a woman?!?) to cater to their every need, after a long working day (and I consider myself a feminist too! Yikes!) b) there IS a middle ground between slaving at home after slaving at school and the ability to learn that a certain amount of self-care/ domestic work is sufficient to help the smooth running of the household and help other members of the family stay happy. c) It infantilises them NOT to expect them to do more and this won't boost their confidence in themselves, longer term.

1. Resisting being their slave leads to terrible arguments/ blow-ups where I end up feeling even more guilty and like I should 'make up' for losing my temper by doing even more for them!

However: a) No pain, no gain. Nothing will change overnight and things will initially feel harder before they get better. As many here have said, change can happen in small ways, slowly and needn't be a massive turnaround on day one where DCs suddenly totally grow up. b) I need to hold onto the fact that I'm actually being a helpful, loving mother by enforcing them to do more for themselves and in the home. c) It's worse to be an endless martyr and then suddenly explode with resentment every so often than to be a bit stricter all the time but much less likely to explode.

It helps v much to see what others' expectations of their DCs are - incidentally, twins are still 9 but won't be long before they're 10. Yes, I DO feel that because I chose single parenting, then I'm sort of more obliged to do everything all of the time for everyone. But I can see, rationally, that this isn't the right way round.

I like particularly the suggestion that I can start to make changes slowly, as I think this will be less confrontative to the DCs and easier for me too.

It was also v useful hearing from the responder (sorry, can't remember who you were) who also has a child with ADHD/Asps or something similar - but that your child still does help out. I've made lots of allowances for DS2 because of his differences but then felt it unfair to expect more of DS1 - so ended up treating them both as if they can't do anything at all for themselves. Actually, I may well be able to get DS2 to do more than I believe he can - with time and support - and thus also expect DS1 to do more anyway - as he's certainly more than capable.

Thanks again

Yay! Glad you came back and posted.

The secret is evolution, not revolution. Pick something small to start with and make them responsible for it. Eg. getting their own drinks. Once that's established, move onto say unloading the dishwasher....etc

Of course you will get resistance. My DD(14) told me I wasn't a good dad on Sunday because I made her wash up after dinner. I know! Evil aren't I?

My philosophy is that if you are not called a terrible parent from time to time then you are not doing your job properly.

We are not their slaves, we are not even their friend. As I tell mine, I am first & foremost their parent. If i can be their friend too then that's just a bonus.

wow.

I'm on my own with an 11 and 6yr old, and i would refuse point blank to do some of the things you do for yours! i also work full time and have horses to deal with in the evenings/weekends.

i basically get by on doing the bare minimum - they get their own drinks/snacks, just to reiterate what other posters have said. House is tidy-ish at times but will never be show home. Not important.
Homework shouldnt take too long.

Solo2.

Basically, if a child is functional with support in mainstream school, he should be functional with support at home, and it's up to me to provide the support, not the functionality.

It actually takes up more of my time to make Ds1 do the bins and recycling - but he should do them. I can't run this house by myself and I refuse to. The very fact that they help me run this house gives me a warm glowy feeling, and that warm glowy feeling means I want to take them to expensive themed farms that have soft play.

I have explained this to them.