Offering contact but am being taken to court

[ellekay]

Hi,

I have a beautiful daughter from a 4 week fling with a man who I thought was great but turned out to be very different.
I left him as soon as it became clear that I realised that this was definitely not someone who was right for me and wouldn't be right for me to pretend he was for the sake of a child. I was 5 weeks pregnant when I left him. Since then he has harassed me, sent me gifts, refused to accept that I didn't want him at the birth, requested inappropriate contact arrangements (e.g. wanted to take DD away from me when she was a few hours old to see her, wanted to take her out 'for an hour or two' on his own when she was a couple of weeks old and had chronic reflux, refused the contact I am offering, refused the offer of mediation and is now taking me to court as he wants to have her from 10am to 6pm every Sat or Sun. She is 8 months old, completely breast fed and has not seen him since August.
She does not know him, has not spent any time alone with him, he doesn't know how to engage with a baby and she and I have had an intense 8 months together - me as a single parent and her being quite ill with the reflux. At 3 weeks she choked and stopped breathing, so the first 6 months were terrifying.
I am now waiting for a court date. I don't understand why he would try and get access for an entire day. He has no idea what being a parent is about. The whole thing with him has caused me incredible amounts of stress and anxiety. He now wants to waste a fortune going to court when Im offering contact (through a solicitor now after 6 months of me and my family trying to work things out with him) and also mediation.
I'm exhausted and before I wanted to ensure he was involved and was politically correct about him as the dad. now I just want him out of my life...unfortunately this is not going to happen.
Wondered if anyone has any similar experiences of the court process for a baby of this age or any words of support, encouragement....anything positive...this whole thing is so stressful and it worries me so much to think that this man who is so angry with me thinks it would be ok to take a bf baby who doesn't know him away for an entire day. it worries me that this is what my future will be like. a series of court hearings because he is exteremely stubborn and will use his parental responsibility to the letter of the law, rather than doing what is right for my DD.

I was also in the court system, for 2 years with my ex who I had to PROVE was unstable. Took 2 years and a very expensive forensic asessment, but I got there.

4 children on our case, so yes I also know what it's like to have children prised from you!!!!!

Even my ex got contact. Youngest never knew him. A baby too. But the ex who was suicidal and threatening to take kids 'with him' even got contact. I had to fight to prevent that! Maybe pick your battles? You will have bigger ones ahead..

I think that his behaviour is undrestandable tbh. He wants to be a dad. Ok- he's not for you but he IS her dad and I think you need to comes to terms with this. (I am having similar problems accepting dds dad atm but it's my fault and I have to accept it.)

a lot of what you descirbe presents, wanting to eb with you etc - yes familair (tho i was with my ex for 14 years so he ahd some basis to "not want to understand".

but some of your statements are really about not letting go - your belief that he wont care for her as well as you do etc.
maybe he will care differnetly - but unless you can really prove welfare concerns you have no leg to stand on..you really dont want to look stupid in court.

as others said - this won't hold water n court. nothing you describe amounts to welfare concerns for your child - "but my baby cried when she was with him alone for ten minutes!!" think how that sounds....

but they look like you blocking contact for no reason - that is how the court will see it.

the only way he can get confidence in looking after her (and her with him) is for contact to be built up. i really dont see that 10-6 on a saturday is outrageous for a one year old. it isnt.

i do understand your concerns about him being stalker-ish - been there - but it wont have a bearing on contact.

I would add that a very young child will pick up on its mothers reaction to situations. So if you are filled with total horror at her father having her, you will project this onto your daughter and this is likely to distress her. This is not good parenting. Please try to learn to accept the situation and put on a positive attitude. Your child's father will get more access, and your best response to this should be to make this easy for her by being positive (however hard that is, but you are an adult, and you brought her into this world and chose her father)

I agree. Sometimes DS, aged 2, still cries for me when DH takes him off me, but is fine 30 secs later when I'm out of sight

You have obviously had a very intense and difficult time of it, and you sound very stressed out. However, despite your furious insistance that you are entirely in the right and he the wrong, I do wonder if you are posting because you have some glimmer that you might not be being completely reasonable?

I think you should also consider the nature of the legal advice you are getting. Some solicitors will say what you want to hear - and I say this based on the fact that some of what this person has told you is clearly wrong. Overnight contact is often granted well before the second birthday, and no court in the world would agree to a condition like 'when he proves he can listen to me'. What does that even mean? Until he agrees to do everything your way?

Also, when applying to court, the amount of time applied for is the end point - the court makes orders that build up to that level of contact. Your solicitor should have explained that to you, as it must be upsetting for you to think that you would have to hand over your baby to someone who does not know them for a whole day straight away.

I think you need to take a break and really think about this calmly, separating all your issues with past events and the relationship between you from the absolutely central issue of the child's relationship with her father. Your vision of what is reasonable is simply controlling and clearly heavily influenced (albeit subconsciously, I hope) by your desire for your daughter's father to disappear, and sorry, that is not what is best for her.

You can't deny someone any opportunity to spend time with their child on their own and then block any meaningful contact on the grounds that the child hasn't spent any time alone with them!

Can't believe how judgemental people are being. And having a dig about getting pregnant? WTF? You don't know the circumstances and they're none of your business, she's not asking about how to close the stable door after the horse has bolted. Save your closed minded judgement and if you don't want to help then don't comment. And can none of you concieve of a man who may use his child as a tool against a mother? Really? Very sheltered, very closed minded.

OP, I don't really have a lot that is useful to say but surely if your DD is breastfed then she can't be away from you for very long?! Maybe it could be 3 or 4 hours, but in your house with you in the other room so you can still supervise, show him how to do things etc but he still gets time with her. Then build it up to time alone once he shows he knows what to do in A, B, C situation. I wouldn't let my young baby go off with ANYONE on their own until I was absolutely sure they knew what they were doing.

OP this is a really stressful situation, however you will have to accept that there will be some contact granted. I am about to have a CAFCASS interview as ex wants overnight stays etc (3 kids under 6yrs) at his parents house. He cannot cope with them alone which is frustrating for me but I know they are safe. We have one eve and one day per week contact though the youngest is almost 2yo. It i hard, but if you show willing to the court (& keep a diary of his behaviour) they will listen. My ex wanted very short contact times almost daily - not to see kids but to know where I was. I never opposed contact though I have been stalked, harrassed etc. Keep strong and think about what is best for little one.
Good luck x

How's it going Ellekay? Something that occurred to me when I saw this thread pop up again: do you think he intented to get you PG as a way of tying you to him? For instance, did he claim to be firing blanks, or that he would pull out?

Nurse Sunshine - of COURSE the circumstances of conception are important. Or do you really not believe that there ARE women out there (and the OP may or may not be one of them) who chose to go out and get pregnant because their desire for a baby is so strong ? And that they do so without considering the fallout of that choice - in particular when the sperm donor actually WANTS to be a father ?

And what if there are women who choose to get pregnant, Sassybeast? What if a man has sex with them, under no duress and no pretence of her being on the pill, doesn't use a condom because he can't be arsed, and the woman gets pregnant?

(This is no relation to OP's post; she hasn't referred to the circumstances of conception, but I really can't stand this idea of women going out and trapping men. Unless they've absolutely lied through their teeth about being on the pill and they're not on the pill, I still see conception and contraception as a JOINT responsibility between a man and a woman).

Whether or not the woman had a 'strong desire' to get pregnant is irrelevant.

The bottom line is there are no certainties about family law just probabilities. Every case is treated separately and there is no general agreement about how much contact, when it should take place or if overnights are appropriate for very young children. Like parents individual judges or court welfare officers have different attitudes. For example, some courts will award orders to underline the importance of both parents, others think that supporting the children living in one home is in the best interests of children.

However, do not underestimate the importance courts attach to contact. Children who are insecure about a parent tend to have low self esteem and grow up with emotional and behavioural problems such as dysfunctional relationships in adulthood. Therefore unless there are very exceptional circumstances the presumption of courts is that when a child lives with one parent they have the right to know and see the other parent, even if by most people's standard the parent's behaviuor leaves much to be desired. Regular contact including overnights is seen as an important part of building up a meaningful relationship.

At the first hearing before going in front of a judge it is usual to meet with a court advisory officer to see if any agreement can be reached. If there is no agreement the judge decides what more information he/she requires to assist in making a decision and sets a timetable for future hearings. These days CAFCASS reports are only requested when there are child welfare concerns.

Courts are used to separated parents making allegations about each other. There are often two versions of the same "truth." Allegations that cannot be collaborated by independent professional evidence (eg police, medics, social worker reports) carry little weight. On the other hand parents demanding and inflexible behaviuor, unwillingness to compromise and/or being seen as self interested and not putting children's interests first during court proceedings tends to go down like a lead balloon.