Offering contact but am being taken to court

[ellekay]

Hi,

I have a beautiful daughter from a 4 week fling with a man who I thought was great but turned out to be very different.
I left him as soon as it became clear that I realised that this was definitely not someone who was right for me and wouldn't be right for me to pretend he was for the sake of a child. I was 5 weeks pregnant when I left him. Since then he has harassed me, sent me gifts, refused to accept that I didn't want him at the birth, requested inappropriate contact arrangements (e.g. wanted to take DD away from me when she was a few hours old to see her, wanted to take her out 'for an hour or two' on his own when she was a couple of weeks old and had chronic reflux, refused the contact I am offering, refused the offer of mediation and is now taking me to court as he wants to have her from 10am to 6pm every Sat or Sun. She is 8 months old, completely breast fed and has not seen him since August.
She does not know him, has not spent any time alone with him, he doesn't know how to engage with a baby and she and I have had an intense 8 months together - me as a single parent and her being quite ill with the reflux. At 3 weeks she choked and stopped breathing, so the first 6 months were terrifying.
I am now waiting for a court date. I don't understand why he would try and get access for an entire day. He has no idea what being a parent is about. The whole thing with him has caused me incredible amounts of stress and anxiety. He now wants to waste a fortune going to court when Im offering contact (through a solicitor now after 6 months of me and my family trying to work things out with him) and also mediation.
I'm exhausted and before I wanted to ensure he was involved and was politically correct about him as the dad. now I just want him out of my life...unfortunately this is not going to happen.
Wondered if anyone has any similar experiences of the court process for a baby of this age or any words of support, encouragement....anything positive...this whole thing is so stressful and it worries me so much to think that this man who is so angry with me thinks it would be ok to take a bf baby who doesn't know him away for an entire day. it worries me that this is what my future will be like. a series of court hearings because he is exteremely stubborn and will use his parental responsibility to the letter of the law, rather than doing what is right for my DD.

What contact were you offering?

I would advise contacting Women's Aid and maybe even the police DV unit. This man's behaviour is abusive and what you need is a solicitor who specialises in dealing with abusive men. It seems clear that his motiviation is not to build a relationship with his DD but to punish you for rejecting a couple-relationship with him.
If he is refusing offered contact and refusing mediation then this will count against him in court, if he is harassing you then it will be possible to obtain orders to stop him from doing so: document everything.
THe courst are interested in what is best for the child, and for a baby this young, particularly one who is BF, they are not going to allow him to take her away for whole days. They probably will agree to him having some contact, but it should be possible to specify set times (probably a couple of times a week for a couple of hours at a time, little and often is best for babies and small DC) and it is perfectly OK for you to get someone else to do the handovers if you don't want to see the man - you certainly don't have to let him come to your house if you don't want him there.

Hi,

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion he is abusive he could be someone who is very keen to be a dad. Not going for mediation isn't positive however - make sure you have this offer in writing and preferably his decline. A court is likely to order a CAFCASS report which will make a recommendation on contact. Don't worry too much about court - easy to say I know but it isn't a law court.You will be likely to meet a judge in a small office type room. Your ex will sit on one table and you on the other. The judge listens to each side and will make an recommendation - if both parties can't agree on access then it will usually be a CAFCASS report. If you are proposing reasonable contact - this will be considered. If he has refused all contact he will not be viewed as reasonable which will not help him. You don't need a solicitor for family court, you could take in a friend to sit beside you - not sure having legal representation is necessary for contact issues

HP: SHe says he harassed her, tried to insist on being present at the birth when she didn't want him there, will not go to mediation and is now taking her to court - this is not a bloke who is keen to be a dad, this is a bloke set on causing the OP distress. He's abusive.

He sent her gifts,wanted to be at the birth and wants contact, that doesnt sound abusive.

And OP wants him out of her life, I'd love to hear his side of the story.

Sorry to be so negative, but I was thinking something very similar to Sparkerz. I'm not sure I'm really adding anything by commenting though, there's something about OP which erks me, I dunno I could be reading too much into the post but it sounds like both parties are acting immature.

OP - I don't really have sympathy for you when you got pregnant within 4 weeks and then decide you don't like the man. This is the risk you take when you spend such little time with a person before having a child with them. Yes, it may have been an accident, but still, ultimately you chose to have your child and did so with this man.

I would not consider the father abusive, per se. Hard to call on the evidence given.

My db's ex wouldn't let him take their baby out of the house. He wasn't bf but it was all about control. She left him after he got her pregnant (all a plan to have a child IMO). He stuck with it, threatened court, eventually got a 2 hour visit, cried for the first half hour, clutching ds (aged 6 months) and has worked damn hard to increase his visits. He now has him every other weekend, takes him to school on weeks when his shifts allows and is a 'proper' dad. He has never let his ds down.

I hope your child's father is like my db, has the right intentions and will work with you and the court to achieve a fair parental role.

If he is paying for court he does not have to go to mediation, it would be money down the drain IF your attitude is what is preventing access.

Why has your child not seen her father since August? What part have you had to play in that? Have you prevented/restricted access? Do you keep her father informed of her progress?

You certainly CAN'T take a friend into family court to sit beside you!!!!

By the time it reaches court your dd will be one, so contact more feasible. Also on solids etc. Many men have every other weekend at this age!

The court will prob advise little and often to start, perhaps supervised, but this will only be a means to an end. Once he has confidence, then it will move on quickly, aiming for every other ( full ) weekend

Op, prepare yourself, in the absence of welfare issues, he WILL get substantial access...... This is your Childs RIGHT as per the childrens act

this is a close one to my heart and have after much difficulty realised you must allow him contact. an 8mnth old child who is bf can be away from mum for a whole day, wether you like it or not. dont let it get to court. allow him a whole day at the weekend he needs to esablish a relationship with dd as much as you do, he is her dad and has every right.

You must learn not to hate him, at least he wants to be regular, there and consistent.

i ahve every sympathy with you but I do think YABU and selfish.

my dd had a jaded relationship with her dad, he had little interst unless it was at my house drinking my coffee eating my food, me doing all the hard work, i used to wish for him to f* off out with her and i suggested he should get his own space with her and allow me to have my own life he cut contact she was 15mnths. now she is 4 and he wants a relationship and she is not so keen. he calls to see her when he fancies never makes any lasting plans with her and i am in the middle playing devils advocate.

it sounds like he wants, needs and is willing to work at a relationship. if you are totaly feeling fussy and so intence she can at least go 4 hours without the breast.

belive me in 2 years you will appreciate a consistent realtion for your dd and her dad along with some well earend time for you.

I think some of these posts are unnecessarily hard on the OP. It sounds to me like this man is not willing to have contact unless it's on his terms, if he's refusing what's already been offered, and to refuse mediation is a huge red flag. It's pretty much textbook emotional abuse, along with the harassment, and, funnily enough, the gifts.

If he has not tried to build trust with his child's mother, there's no surprise that she feels uneasy about letting him take her precious baby for a whole day, reasonable though it might seem in other circumstances where more trust did exist.

And, well, ReadywithWellies, we're not all perfect, contraception isn't perfect, and sometimes you make the decision to keep a baby, even if you might have to rear it on your own.

mediation would be pointless if the op refuses to budge, he knows her well enough to realise that he'll get nowhere. mediation would delay the inevitable

seems its the ops terms or none at all....well op,you'll be in for a big shock once at court i'm afraid......he will get what he asks for. even overnights as soon as the breast is dropped

Bear in mind that the OP dumped the man because she decided he wasn't good partner material and then found out she was PG, and he has been stalking her ever since (Giving gifts which are unwanted is stalking, it's not 'romantic'.) The OP says she has tried to involve him, but he is more interested in punishing her for not wanting to be his partner than in working with her on a good co-parenting arrangement.

Gifts of any kind which it has been made clear are unwanted, from a person you want no contact from, are harassment. It's deliberate, manipulative behaviour to wrong-foot another person and portray them as unreasonable and ungrateful - how can they refuse to engage with you? You've brought them a gift!

does he pay child maintenence?
are the gifts for the child?
how frequent are/were they? op doesnt expand on the fact he has sent her gifts.....how many? in the early days of the split or now over a year on??

why shouldn't he be at the birth - it's his child too.

Why shouldn't he have time alone with his daughter - she is his daughter too.

He doesn't sound abusive to me - he sounds like someone who wants a relationship with his child, and given the op has refused to budge on his requests for contact and only wants things on her terms tbh I don't blame him for going to court.

It's women like the op who think that they can have everything on their terms and that the father should just disappear once his role as sperm doner is done that give women a bad name when it comes to access.

Sorry op but this man is in your life for good whether you want that or not, by virtue of the fact you have a child together. You are going to have to just accept that when he goes to court he will get access, whole days then over nights then weekends/weeks at a time.

That is his right as it is the right of his child.

NoBabyShower Wed 10-Nov-10 17:21:34

"why shouldn't he be at the birth - it's his child too."

Are you for real? Have actually ever given birth?

NoBabyShower - of course it's not a father's right to be at the birth. Would you go through labour with somebody you were no longer in a sexual relationship with? Don't you think it's best for the baby to have a relaxed mother during and after the birth? She was well within her rights to refuse him to be there - as is any woman who would not be appropriately supported by the father.

OP - by the time your daughter is one, you should be able to handle him having her for the day. But I think it's very important that the three of you spend some days together first. Your dd needs to see that he is somebody she can feel safe with and your presence will verify that for her. He also needs to learn from you and your routine. But 6pm is far too late for a baby. Young babies and children are clearly exhausted by then and need to be back home and in their routine. But 10 - 5 would be reasonable, imo. It would be ludicrous to suggest overnights until they've had many many days together alone - whether the breast is dropped or not.

Your dd does deserve a relationship with her father, but he has to prove that he is capable of looking after her. This is in your interests, so try to wipe the slate clean, offer an olive branch and try very hard to establish a friendship with your daughter's father. He's not going to leave your life, I'm afraid, so it's best for you all in the long run if you get on.

I see absolutely no evidence of abuse in his behaviour - OP is that correct? Can you enlighten us on the gifts?

NBS labour is about the mother, not the baby. If the mother feels uncomfortable or inhibited then it can interfere with the labour and birth and possibly result in unnecessary medial intervention such as forceps or even major abdominal surgery.

Why should the op, or any woman for that matter, have to get naked or show her bits in front of someone she no longer feels comfortable with?

I agree that it's in the child's best interest to have a relationship with the father unless the father is actually dangerous (violent, addicted or mentally ill). However, that doesn't mean the father is entitled to any kind of relationship with the mother, if she doesn't want any contact with him. And he certainly isn't entitled to be at the birth if she doesn't like him or want him there - a man who tries to insist on being at the birth when the woman doesn't want him to be there is demonstrating selfishness not good-dad attitudes.
My reading of the OP's posts is that the man is determined to make her engage with him and is using the issue of access to do so; the best way to deal with men like this is to get a solicitor and arrange email-only contact, specific to access arrangements, and have handovers done by a third party. A man who 'genuinely wants to be a good dad' will accept this, one who is using access as an excuse to harass his former partner will get bored with the lack of reaction and fuck off.

the court has an expectation that parents will work together.......the third party handovers,are reserved for families with welfare issues

but even violent,addicted and mentally ill parents will gain contact in alot of cases.....surprising isnt it?? so the man op describes,well,he'll do ok in court...

She can take a friend to sit beside her in court. Look up Mckenzie Friend.