Thanks for your comments. Its interesting to see the different persepctives.
A few things to say and answer some of your questions:
First of all. Because he hasn't disappeared and is paying child maintenance doesn't make his behaviour right. He doesn't get a big pat on the back for wanting to be her dad because he is so angry about my leaving him that ultimately anything other than him being with her all the time is going to be a disappointment. He is 42, I am 34 and he told his family he wanted to marry me after 2 weeks. He feels humiliated amongst other things.
SparklingExplosionGoldenBrass - I don't think he will fuck off unfortunately for me (but good for my daughter). He is someone who enjoys the battle - another thing I realised during our short relationship. (He is the guy who goes up to grown people on the train and tells them to take their feet off the seats.)
The other reasons I left him at 4 weeks pregnant was because of racist behaviour (I would never accept this from anyone let alone someone who is supposed to be my partner) and deviant sexual behviour which came to light once I was pregnant.
I absolutely agree with those who say the dad should be a part of her life. At 4 months pregnant I sent him an email to ask him to read a book called 'putting children first - a guide for separated parents' as I wanted him to move away from seeing us as a couple and as two parents who could input into our daughters life. I suggested we could meet to discuss it and put together a parenting plan. He never replied.
When I was 8 months pregnant he contacted my sister to ask why I had split up with him (Despite me having explained it several times).
Absolute load of rubbish to say it is the mans right ot be at the birth. Damn right racetobed - The most intimate, difficult, emotional, stressful, beautiful thing in a woman's life. Only trusted and respected people should be there and he was neither unfortunately.
SparklingGoldenBrass you are spot on with your comments. Damn right Karmadevil.
I would question whether anyone would allow someone that they didn't trust to take their newborn out of their sight at a young age.
That's the difference MJinhiding - the man you left your newborn with was your husband. You trusted him. This man has done nothing to earn my trust yet. He needs to earn it. It's bullshit to say that you don't need a relationship with the mother - a respectful relationship between mother and father is good for the parents and best for the child. Pretending that his role is a substitute for my role when she is so young is naive and ignorant at best and damaging at worst.
All the choices and decisions I have made are putting my daughter first - including allowing the man into my home in order to provide the best possible environment for her to get to know her father. I also allowed him to come with his mother so she could meet her grandmother. Every time we agreed something, a week would pass, he would clearly go away and be gutted we weren't together, that he couldn't see his daughter whenever he wanted and would send emails or texts making further demands. I wanted to establish that my daughter was comfortable with him and happy and that he understood that as her mother there is a genuine need for him to be able to listen to me and respect my role as our daughters primary carer.
An example.
We were out walking in the park on one of his visits in the summer. She was sleeping in the pram. He was pushing. I let him walk off on his own in the park to feel like he was having some time with her. After 10 minutes I saw him touching her in the pram. over and over. I walked over and she was screaming. I asked why he'd touched her and woken her up. He said "I couldn't help myself" and when I asked why he hadn't called me over, he said "I'm her Dad". Anyone in their right mind would call over the mum if a small baby is crying. He doesn't like to acknowledge that my relationship with her is any different to his - but it is. Physiologically and emotionally. Particularly at this age.
You may also be interested to know that he doesn't like the name I chose for her and has never called her by her name.
I could go on but I won't because it depresses me.
I have a solicitor who specialises in family law and is a member of the Resolution body. The court we will go to is a County Court and not a Magistrates Court. I have documented everything with her.
My solicitor believes that his behaviour is harrassment and when I originally spoke to her when my daughter was 3 weeks old for the first time she suggested that his behaviour would warrant a restraining order. I decided to try and negotiate with him myself and through my family. To avoid all of this emotional and financial stress. In the end it was fruitless.
A couple of other questions some of you asked:
The presents each had a note on them explaining why they were relevant - e.g. a dvd was one of his favourite films (a love story) and he wanted me to have it. None of the presents was for the baby.
The contact offer I proposed with the solicitor's input was 1 hour a week for 2 months until he proved that he would listen to me and learn how to care for our daughter. Then moving to two hours a week. Also some additional days for Christmas.
The solicitor has said that there is no way that a judge would allow a full days contact until she is about 2 years old.
The contact would be built up over time. Supervised. Unsupervised. one hour. 3 hours. etc.
All I want and have ever wanted is for my daughter to feel comfortable in his presence and for me to know that he is making the best decisions for her. All his behaviour to now has shown me that he is only thinking about himself. He is not thinking as a parent. No parent would put their 8 month old in the hands of a stranger for an entire day - particularly one who is untrustworthy and has his own interests at heart. That is what concerns me. If she is unhappy, upset, screams etc it is a genuine concern that he wouldn't tell me becuase he knows that I would want to shorten the visits or be present until she felt more secure.
I don't want to go to court. It's the last thing I want. I have offered contact, it has been refused. Not even a negotiation. The mediation has been refused. He wants his day in court. And when we go there all his bridges with me will be burned.