Troubles of a single dad

[sawyersmith]

Hi, I am new to mumsnet, a friend told me about it, I think she is getting fed up with my incessant questions.
Basically I am a widower. My wife passed just over 18 months ago. I am now raising our three daughters aged 13,7 and 2. I would only ever admit behind the shield of being anonymous, that I am finding this very difficult. I am raising one child who will never know her mother, another who is carrying on so normally that I am worried, and a daughter who is just becoming a teenager and needs a mother more than ever.
I know plenty of people do it but I feel so alone, I know of no men in the same position, and I have so many questions...

I so sorry to hear about your wife.

I think children deal with grief very diffrently to adults. They see things in a very matter of fact way. I know a girl who lost her mum when she was about 5. My sister used to babysit for her and was like an aunt to her. She told me when she met the girl at the funeral she simply said "My mummy is heaven now and even though I can't see her, she is always with me because my Nana told me so. Are you going to dance with me at the pub (the wake)?"

If you are at all worried though, it might be worth asking for a referal to CAHMS (if you haven't already).

There are single men on here in your postion, but us women will be more than happy to answer any questions too

Welcome to MN.

Welcome to MN sawyersmith

So sorry to hear of your situation, you'll find lots of support here.

Do you have any help from family at all?

Hi and welcome to mumsnet

You will find lone parents of all different kinds on here and all of our circumstances are different, but we all have one thing in common, we are all trying to bring our kids up the best way we can and we all try to support each other on here.

I am a single mum but one of my closest friends is a single dad (his wife left him and their 2 kids for another man) and we try to support each other, he does some diy and car maintenence etc for me, i do sewing and paperwork etc for him. Do you have anyone who you could maybe do this with??

But for now ask your questions on here, there will be someone on here who can help and has been through similar i am sure.

Hi and welcome.

Just because you're a Dad doesn't mean you can't ask questions. I expect you're wondering about teen stuff, like periods. Ask any of us who have teens, it's a minefield and I have had loads of good advice on here. How are you coping, I'm so sorry for your loss but have you had the time to grieve? It must be hard keeping evrything together for yourself and the children.

Please keep on using Mumsnet, if you ant to chat, ask advice or just generally moan. We're always here to help. There are lots of good books available for teens about body stuff and school should be keeping an eye on the children to spot any troubles they may have. Do you have any family that can help out, I imagine you must need a break sometimes. Are you working? How's the littlest one coping?

Thanks for the replies.
Dooinmecleanin - that reassured me a little, I think I shall see how it goes, but maybe then get a referral.

DoolyTwat- No I have no parent-in-laws and I am Italian so my family are in Italy. But my wife's friends have been very good.

Feelingold- Thanks, that sounds a good arrangement, at the moment I don't know any single mums but my wife's best friend helps, although she has her own family so I don't want to be a bother.

stickyj - thanks, it is a minefield, last week she told me she had a boyfriend! I mean she is only 13!! I wasn't prepared I was thinking 15/16. I don't know if I'm just being an over protective dad though and maybe if my wife was here she would talk some sense into me.
No family here, and havn't had much of a break yet. Yes I do work, but since my wife died I work from home. I'm a writer so this is easy. The youngest is coping well, the first month was the hardest with her as she was only 4 months old and was still being breastfed.

Your wife's best friend will not feel that you are a bother. It will be helping her to help you. She will feel as though she can still do something for her friend.

13 is normal for a first boyfriend and it won't be anything too serious just yet. Just keep an eye on things from a distance. If you make a fuss this boy will become far more appealing to your daughter.

Hi Sawyer.

I remember those feelings albeit I wasn't a widower.

All I can say is that you will be surprised how many single dads are actually out there. We're just not a very vocal bunch.

One of my work colleagues brought up his two daughters on his own after his wife left(although later he re married). He is very close to both his daughters to the point that when the eldest had her baby last year she asked her dad to be there with her at the birth rather than her mother.
He says he got a lot of help and support from his church and countless ladies willing to babysit, help out and often turning up with various pots of food for dinner. I was rather as I can't say I've experienced the same as a single mother!

I also know of someone I was at primary school with who's dad brought him and his two younger sisters up after his wife died in a traffic accident.

And my last boss was a single dad to his two daughters, although I don't know the circumstances as to how that happened. He later remarried and took on a step son and had another dd and would often suggest fun days out he'd had with his dds during school holidays that he thought I might want to try with my ds.

And my neighbour's two oldest dc live with their dad, though that wasn't a choice she made for them (whole other story).

So you are by no means alone, although it is less common and widows/widowers are more rare as the reason for being a single parents generally. But it certainly isn't that uncommon for dad's to be significantly involved and even the resident parent nowadays.

Please do take all offers of help you can. Don't be afraid to ask or accept any offers you get. I wish I'd taken more offers of help and actually admitted I needed help rather than trying to prove I could do it all myself and putting a brave face on all teh time. Although my family is pretty useless and they rarely offer help or support and often find excuses if I do ever ask for help.

And as to worrying about discussing puberty/boyfriends etc that is normal. I have a ds and I've already had to go and see the school nurse and gout suggestions of books from the library as I had only a vague clue what to expect for my ds!
The school nurse does a nice range of teenage friendly and fairly matter of fact type leaflets which you might find useful. If you're not sure how to get hold of the school nurse at secondary school just ask when the school nurse comes to the primary (often they visit once a month and you can make an appointment). So it can be easier to see them there.

hi sawyersmith

just wanted to say hi, im a single mum myself to 2 skidlies aged 5 and 7 and it can be flipping hard work but you will have such a fab relationship whith your 3 when they are older..

ask away on here to your hearts content

hi everyone thanks for all the support and replies, its good to know I'm not alone.
As for the boyfriend thing I spoke to Sophia tonight and it seems innocent enough, thank god.

One question I do have is Sleepovers?! Clara age 7 wants one and she wants to invite 7 girls. I'm rubbish at this sort of thing, but how many is a reasonable number and what should I do activity wise, this will be her first sleepover at our house, and my wife used to arrange Clara's. Any tips? Thanks

I had a boyfriend when I was eleven. He was three years older than me and I was quite a young eleveln.

I just wanted my dad to laugh with me, hug me and give me a nice stern-ish talking to sometimes to reassure me that i was lovbed by a parent. .....and I wanted him to meet the chap and be ok to him.

None of the above happened. My father was a wanker and I no longer have any contact with him.

He treated me like a slut.

I was 11 and still like lollipops ffs.
You sound very nice OP. Don't imbue your daughters with negatives.

dont name your dcs on here.

I dont know many people whose daughters had sleepovers aged just over 5 OP. Your maths isnt adding up.

UnlikelyAmazonian maybe it is different with boys but I know lots who have had sleepovers from 5. What's your point?

OP best to use ds and dd to refer to your children. If you have two ds's then ds1 and ds2 etc.

Just concerned the OP may not be for real that's all Mollie.

Yes I do have a boy. My boy has lots of little princess girl friends.

Not once has he or they yet had, or even thought about, a sleepover.

Not yet. Not at nearly only 5. And that isnt taking into account grieving time for a spouse.

No offence intended. Just questioning.

I see your point. Lots of sleepovers started here from reception and I'd imagine or hope the OP had a lot of support when his wife passed away. It doesn't surprise me that 18 months on everyone has moved on and assuming he is coping and getting on with his life and this is precisely the time he needs support.

I cant wait til the sleepovers start. I will get some sleep myself then.

For a whole night!!!

But I cannot see myself letting ds go for a sleepover anywhere when he is not even 5.

Hi Sawyer

Welcome. I would start with one or two children on a sleepover, no more. But be prepared that some parents may feel uncomfortable with allowing their children to stay (for whatever reason). Do it on a non-school night and be prepared for no sleep!

As far as activities go, clear the bedroom floor, ask your dd to get out some toys she will share with her friends. Add chicken nuggets and ice cream. All sorted.

Sorry for the confusion I meant my wife used to arrange Sophia's sleepovers. This is Clara's first one ever (age 7). It has been a long day!

readywithwellies- thank you one or two sounds more manageable than 7!

At 7 years old, some children may decide they don't want to stay to sleep - this has happened with my dsd, then age 8. Her friend got homesick, so make sure you have a plan in place so the child can to returned home if necessary - parents phone numbers and ask them (discretly) to stay sober as in the event this does happen, you will be unable to transport the child home.

Just to add, Sawyer, if you want to stay anonymous - as in your original post, try not to give details of your children (names, schools etc). I am sure you are a genuine person, but there are plenty of people who aren't and may use this information in a negative way. Of course, it is your choice to continue with naming your dcs in posts.

Also, you don't have to accept the opinions of the people on these forums, just like in real life, they are no more qualified than you. Ignore my advice if you like. Opinions are useful, but you know your dcs.

readywithwellies- thanks, I don't use forums very often. Stupid really I should have thought about the safety side of it. Yes I was wondering about homesickness, I think I will play it by ear and see how it goes

DS started having sleepovers before 3, we knew the parents well so we never had any problem/crying children.

The older he gets the more that he likes them, I have noticed that there are always plenty of very confident children who embrace the adventure of a sleep over, and a very small proportion who really hate them and want to be collected in the middle of the night.

If I were you, I would start with inviting one child, and perhaps 2 later, I will never allow for 7 unless I wanted the house wrecked so I expect that would happen in a few years time, while I'm in holidays and DS and his friends had repaired cleaned the house before I come back.

a good idea with sleepovers is to agreewith the other parents that they will be available to collect if tehir child decides to go home, that way it is planned, no-one is put to any inconvenience and the child is secure in the knowledge that mum or dad is just a phonecall away.

wrt your older DD the only advice i have is to keep the lines of communication open. make sure she not only knows she can talk to you about anything but also that she feels she can talk to you. my mum was very vocal about "you know you can always talk to me" but her actions and responses to otehr things told me that actually she would over react if i told her how much i liked that boy at the bus stop. i knew she would panic and overkill on the "nobody is to touch you" speech and she would start restricting my free time outside the house, start questioning every text i received or sent. it wouldn't simply be a case of "ooh and does he like you and do you think you will talk to him"

Sleepovers here (for ds) basically mean pizza, playstation and wii most of the night and enough snacks for them to have a 'midnight feast' (at about 10pm). I tend to settle them around midnight with a dvd to watch in bed and expect them to be up around 7am regardless.

For girls you may want to add some sparkly nail varnish or something of that nature so they can do a makeover type thing of your dd is into that.

Definitely not 7. Unless you want no sleep and a trashed house. We have one child, very occassionally 2 (usually because my friend needs me to have both her ds's overnight). Did once have 15 but I held that at the local youth church for my ds's birthday and roped in friends to help. No way I'd have that many at home let alone for a sleepover!