Troubles of a single dad

[sawyersmith]

Hi, I am new to mumsnet, a friend told me about it, I think she is getting fed up with my incessant questions.
Basically I am a widower. My wife passed just over 18 months ago. I am now raising our three daughters aged 13,7 and 2. I would only ever admit behind the shield of being anonymous, that I am finding this very difficult. I am raising one child who will never know her mother, another who is carrying on so normally that I am worried, and a daughter who is just becoming a teenager and needs a mother more than ever.
I know plenty of people do it but I feel so alone, I know of no men in the same position, and I have so many questions...

Sawyersmith,

The internet is amazing. Just wanted to let you know that my Dad was widowed with 3 DD's age 17,13 & 8. A bit different than your situation as I was the 17yr old and able to help with the younger two.

I just wanted to let you know that he survived and went from being a, non stop work Dad (who didn't know where anything was at home) to really stepping up to the plate and he was amazing. Now I have to be honest and say that it was very hard in the early days, but we now have a really brilliant relationship with him. Speak to him many times a week, text, email every day. When my DD (first baby) was born, he stayed for 2 weeks and did everything a Mum would do (my DH was back at work quite quickly).

I know that many parts of the coming years will be difficult but also you will have some really amazing times too and 3 fabulous daughters to share the rest of your life. My Dad was 45 when my Mum died and he met someone new quite quickly (within 2 years). They dated for years and she didn't move in for a long time but she did eventually and they've been together for 18 years and are now married. Also she is fabulous and we were delighted he found her.

I know the teenage years will be difficult with your 13 year old but the best advice I can give you is to talk, talk, talk as much as you can (we had a you can tell me anything......and I won't kill you type of policy). I think the 7 year old may be the most difficult as she understands/but she doesn't understand, if that makes sense.

I'm around alot, so feel free to have a chat anytime.

SIL

PS I know its difficult with a 2 year old but you need to make some time for your self in the evenings and try and get out of the house and have some adult conversation.

Hello welcome to mumsnet I'm a lone parent with a 22 month old and a 3 yr old.

The acronyms page maybe helpful for you as you find your way on mumsnet.

You may also find the bereavement topic area helpful too.

Hi and welcome and one for a sleepover is fine, I only deviate from this on birthdays. Also start low you can always have more next time !!

Thanks for all the welcoming replies everyone. I will definitely say no to 7!

SleeplessinLondon - Sorry to hear about your mother, but thanks for letting me know. Really nice to hear off the daughter of a single dad and I like to think that I can have a really close relationship with mine like you obviously have with your dad. You are right, my 7 year old daughter is the most difficult, she has been so good about things and only cried once, I just can't help but think she is maybe internalising things.
Last night when I put her to bed she said. "Forever is a very long time isn't it?" I asked her what she was thinking about and she just said "I didn't understand it when I was little but I do now".
Thanks again for your reply. Helped a lot.

Winstons wish give alot of support to children who have lost a loved one. They may be able to offer some help??
click here

"Forever is a very long time isn't it?" I asked her what she was thinking about and she just said "I didn't understand it when I was little but I do now"

That makes me want to cry. Keep talking on mumsnet and I'm sure we'll all try and help x

Sawyer - It is so tough for your little girls but they are very lucky to have you. There have been times in my life where I've wished my Mum was with me, but mostly I feel that my Dad has provided more to me than a lot of my friends parents combined have managed! The only negative about having a Dad who devoted himself massively to his daughters is that it has made my expectations of marriage a bit too high (what do you mean DH doesn't always worship the ground I walk on and is not ready to drop everything for my slightest whim..................). Last year' my Dad got a phone call from me at lunch time in tears because I was ill and DH was away. He drove straight to the airprt and flew to the city I'm in by 10 o'clock that night and took care of my DC's (6mths & 3) for a week while I was in bed.

Let us know if we can help at all or just come by for a chat about how you and your girls are doing.

I forgot to say with your DD2, I think children get through bereavement with a lot of denial - certainly in the early stages and I expect she does feel like she understands it more now. You can be fine just getting on with life for ages and then it just hits you again. All you can do is to give her as much time as you can/she will allow and make her feel loved, talk about her Mum sometimes and let her know you are always ready to have a chat about her Mum and how she misses her. And make sure there are lots of photos around. The power of distraction is great - all of you having treats, doing fun things.

I'm also a big believer in the power of positive thinking, so the occasional praise of how well you are all doing, what a great team you are and how you all love each other so much.

Finally, if you can at all - it will help your DD2 & DD3 in the long run to be used to having someone babysit occasionally. The biggest problem in our house with the 8yr old was that she and my Dad were such a close team and did everything together (maybe not so much team as master/servant) and she found it tough when he eventually introduced his new partner.