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Original poster

exh won't let me change ds surname

30 replies

petitfromage · 18/10/2010 20:17

DS is nearly 3, ex left when I was 10 weeks preg, came back then left for good when ds was 5 months. Things are good, civilied etc and he lives about 2 hours away but sees him for 3 hours once a week at my place. No maintainence, no other real involvement etc. but good that they have a relationship.

I finally mentioned surname as ds is starting pre school next sept and I wanted it sorted before then. Ex is saying he doesn't want to change the name 'he was born with' i.e. on birth certificate as it's his main connection with him and he has nothing else. I understand this however it was all his choice and I have done everything, brought ds up on my own so I would like to share some part of surname. Have suggested double barrel or two surnames, ex says no.

Feel really frustrated and like he has me over a barrel as without his permission I can do nothing about it. It feels so unfair as he has bugger all else to do with ds really and it's like he has this power over me so he's holding onto it with both hands (he's tried to get back with me this year but I've made it very clear that is NOT going to happen!)

Anyone got any advice as I'm not sure how to proceed at all. Should I just let him have ex's surname anyway and not worry about it or push because I really do care that we don't have the same surname once I change mine through deed poll (I've been holding off doing it even though I hate my ex's name now - but I hate not having same family name as my son more). Sad

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 18/10/2010 20:20

it really doesnt matter....i dont have same name either!!

its minor....sounds like you have bigger problems. and as you say,theres nothing you can do

miniwedge · 18/10/2010 20:23

Your son can be "known as", other than that there is nothing you can do. Other than go to court but that would be expensive, cause lots of bad feeling and more than likely be unsuccessful.

Why is the name so important to you? As you said, you do everything, your son will see that as he grows up. Your connection to him is the stable and loving home he has with you. You can be assured that you do everything a parent can and should for your son.

Your ex on the other hand needs the name to connect him because he is shit at doing much else.

ChaoticAngel · 18/10/2010 20:26

There's nothing you can do regards his name but for maintenance contact the CSA. He should be paying something towards his child's upkeep.

whiteandnerdy · 18/10/2010 20:31

I'm reading alot of "I this and I that" in this post ... but not much about if this is an issue for the DS. Just an observation!

My DSS wanted to change his surname to that of his brothers and so mine, and not that of his mother. I chatted and expressed my opinion that I though he should maintain that connection from where he was from, and it didn't have any bearing on how much we all loved him. I don't know I could have screwed it right royally up, he's a teenager at the moment so I can't tell, our relationship can be fractious at times Hmm.

StewieGriffinsMom · 18/10/2010 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinahRod · 18/10/2010 20:33

Guess that means you go to the CSA if he's keen to take responsibility and give his son his name.

BellasFormerFriend · 18/10/2010 20:38

Why don't you ask him if you can have your surname as a second middle name. that way you can use it as a double barrel but it isn't an official change to the surname as such...

TBH though I can see his point, lots of children have different surnames to one or other parent without suffering any lasting effects. As your child grows they may well value that connection to their dad.

Marchpane · 18/10/2010 20:43

He needs to man up a bit. Either he pays for the child he cares about so much or he gives up any right to assert his will.

He can't have it both ways. Am shocked he thinks it acceptable to shirk his responsibilities.

BellasFormerFriend · 18/10/2010 20:47

Paying for a child and P.R. are totally different in law and, to a lesser extent perhaps, morally. the op has always had the chance to go to the CSA if she wanted to, she has chossen not to.

Original poster
petitfromage · 18/10/2010 20:50

Taking on board your points. whiteandnerdy believe me I am the only one constantly saying I don't actually care about my opinions/ego/feelings, I just want whats best for ds. I said that to ex today and he just said 'fine. we'll stick with my name then' I suppose the 'I' in my post comes across because I'm venting! It really pissed my off that he does so little yet holds onto his power with no interest on the impact on ds.

Incidentally I also told him which school I want ds to go to, have found out he has a place there this week and sent link via email to ex, along with v diplomatic email about name ideas. He didn't even look at link, just said I'm sure you'll do the right thing. School etc SO much more important than name IMO.

Deep sigh....but I'm starting to come round to idea that maybe I need to just accept it's only a name. I hate it because I took his name in good faith (we were married for 5 years) but he shat on me from a very great height. Saying his surname is like saying Voldemort (Harry Potter reference)!! But maybe I just need to get over it.....like you say being a family is more than just a name.

Still hurts though...

OP posts:
BellasFormerFriend · 18/10/2010 20:56

It does, saying dd's surname actually makes me feel like being sick and I still have to check myself every time I say or read it - I don't even do the normal mother thing of "DD DDmiddlename DDsurname" when she is not listening, i always stop at the middle name. It does hurt but changing it is worse for her (right now) the only time I would push it is if she wanted to change it herself.

It does get easier and you do come to realise that it is your own problem so you find your way to deal with it - also the hurt that ex did to you will become more and more distant a memory and mean less to you - especially as your own life moves on Smile

Original poster
petitfromage · 18/10/2010 20:57

Re CSA you're right I've chosen not to. I'm financially stable and he is a financial mess. I could fight for some money but feels like it would be a lot of effort for a very hollow victory. Bugs me when he spends what little money he has on stuff for himself (never buys ds presents, clothes or even little things etc, but he can afford to go holiday abroad next week with friends). I gave him substantial 5 figure payout when he left me and he spent the whole lot within a year. Not worth fighting over money with him as I lived with him being a financial nightmare for years, I'm better off now than I was when I was with him as he bled me dry....

OP posts:
yellowkiwi · 18/10/2010 21:00

I know someone who is in a similar position. The child is officially known by ex's surname - it is on the school register (together with mum's surname) and other formal docs but the child is known by mum's surname and that is the name used on all his textbooks and by his teachers and friends. The ex has no contact with the child though so don't know if this makes a difference.

whiteandnerdy · 18/10/2010 21:08

Haha, that's funny because at work people refer to my Ex as 'she who we dare not speak her name' hahaha. I understand the frustration, but I'm not sure about changing the name of a child, after all ... it is 'their' name.

My ExP has remarried a year ago and now has a new son, and one of my DS has asked about getting a middle name the same as his new brother/mother and husband. For myself I'm not keen on changing the name he was given when he was born, it's a mixture of emotions really, again I've advised I think he should stay with his current name and it didn't have any bearing on how much we all loved him. Who knows if I'm an uncaring dooshbag?!?!

Original poster
petitfromage · 18/10/2010 21:27

It's funny isn't it - why is a surname so important? I have ds basically 95% of the time - i take him on holiday, saw his first steps, have celebrated every birthday, christmas etc...why do I feel I need the name to complete our concept of family? Weird. And yes I get why blokes would hold on to it - the whole thing of having a family name that is passed on from generation to generation is a very strong concept.

Btw in drs, library, and nursery ds has my surname. I just wanted it all sorted before school and to agree it so that ds can get used to his name and be proud of coming from both our families. Even though mine is obviously better Wink Kidding - even if I thought that ds will think we are both awesome until he decides for himself. I think worst thing of all would be to think your dad was a waste of space. And even though he isn't parent of the year he does care about ds. On his own terms obviously...

ooooh it's all a bit messy. Do you ever sit there and think how on earth did I screw up so badly??? sigh....

OP posts:
moraldisorder · 18/10/2010 21:36

petitfromage, My DD has my ex's surname and it really gives me the irrates but the way i look at it is that he is a twat but his whole family and their heritage etc is still a part of DD and she gets me and my family all of the time so to have the name from their side gives her the connection there.

It is horrid but in the great scheme, we are the ones who get to kiss them goodnight.. so what if their name is different. Chances are as it's a DD her name will change at some point anyway if she marries... Or if you re-marry then yours might change and then your DD wont have her mother or father's name!

I think grin and bear it.

P.s fair play to you with the whole maintenance thing... It is always the assumption that mother's need maintenance to help them support their children. Dont get me wrong, Im the first to agree that men should take responsibility but if you don't need it then I think you're fab for rising above a bun fight for a few measly quid every month.

You sound like a wonderful mother and your DD will grow up to have so much respect for the person who cared for her and put a roof over her head and food on the table.. it wont matter what her name is.

moraldisorder · 18/10/2010 21:38

Sorry littlecheese I just realised you have a DS not a DD...! Well, ignore the name change when theyre married bit!

Trop · 18/10/2010 21:38

If you can't get cooperation I would go with the 'known as' option until he is old enough to make up his own mind.

It is vile being called Mrs XP by the professionals - schools, doctors etc though. It made me feel irrelevant and humiliated.

You could pursue it through the court but the best you are likely to get is a middle or double barelled name. If its a battle you need to win and you don't think it will have too much fallout then go for it.

MaMoTTaT · 18/10/2010 21:44

I have to confess I'm not bothered by the surname thing. I'm keeping exH's surname as will the DS's.

a) I've been this name for 1/3 of my life....all of my adult life, and it's who I'm known as now

b) I positively hated my surname

c) If I ever meet someone else and get married I'd change my surname and it would be different from the DS's anyhow

d) come to think of it DS's names would sound utterly ridiculous with my maiden name

follyfoot · 19/10/2010 10:16

I'd leave his name as is because.....well....its his name, the one he had from the day he was born. If, when he's older, he would prefer to change it, fair enough. My ex-husband was a bastard, but I still think my DD should be proud of her name. I'm remarried now and use my new name at work only. Everywhere else I've kept the old one so that its the same as hers.

ShrineOfCrazyDemon · 19/10/2010 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

oranges · 19/10/2010 10:32

Even though i understand you dont want the money, would it be totally irresonsible to hint strongly that if he feels so strongly about the name you will of course contacct the csa so he can formally pay for the privelage of being the father?

cestlavielife · 19/10/2010 10:36

yes you just need to get over it .

my dc have father's surname (tho as he spanish in spain they use mine as well...)

PfftTheMildySpookyDragon · 19/10/2010 10:37

Why does he not support his child? WHy is he moaning that the surname is the only link he has to his child? Whose fault is that? Why is the surname the only link he has to his son? Because he can't be arsed to pay?

ChocHobNob · 19/10/2010 15:04

If he feels that strongly about it and discovers you are using your name as a "known as" name, he could ask for it to be corrected. It's actually illegal to use a known as name on things such as medical records/schools.