exh won't let me change ds surname

[petitfromage]

DS is nearly 3, ex left when I was 10 weeks preg, came back then left for good when ds was 5 months. Things are good, civilied etc and he lives about 2 hours away but sees him for 3 hours once a week at my place. No maintainence, no other real involvement etc. but good that they have a relationship.

I finally mentioned surname as ds is starting pre school next sept and I wanted it sorted before then. Ex is saying he doesn't want to change the name 'he was born with' i.e. on birth certificate as it's his main connection with him and he has nothing else. I understand this however it was all his choice and I have done everything, brought ds up on my own so I would like to share some part of surname. Have suggested double barrel or two surnames, ex says no.

Feel really frustrated and like he has me over a barrel as without his permission I can do nothing about it. It feels so unfair as he has bugger all else to do with ds really and it's like he has this power over me so he's holding onto it with both hands (he's tried to get back with me this year but I've made it very clear that is NOT going to happen!)

Anyone got any advice as I'm not sure how to proceed at all. Should I just let him have ex's surname anyway and not worry about it or push because I really do care that we don't have the same surname once I change mine through deed poll (I've been holding off doing it even though I hate my ex's name now - but I hate not having same family name as my son more).

Your child was given this name with your consent? You didn't argue at the time of registering his birth (you as the parent could of veto'd it), and you didn't choose to double barrel it on his birth certificate. So now he has this name and you have to accept that unless you ex is prepared to agree to changing it.

So you were happy on some level when ds was born. Now things are different you feel differently. But courts are very strong on this kind of thing as it gives a link to the father. You could take it to court for change or for double barrel. It will cost you but you don't have to do it through a solicitor so it need not cost the easth. No guarantee of the outcome though and the best I think you could hope for is double barrelled.

And re the school, maybe be grateful that he's not sticking his oar in and making it a huge hassle by disputing your choice of school. I heard of one parent who put his own school application form in over writing the mother's and there was nothing she could do by the time she found out.

Time for the CSA to get those support payments started. It's not about the money, it's about recognition of his parental responsibilities. If he is on the birth certificate and his child has his name the least he should be doing is supporting him financially.

This is no help to the op but I thought I'd write it in case it's on interest.

My ex-husband left us when ds was 6 months old. He went to Thailand (many people will know this backstory... yawn!) and has had no contact since with me or his son. He pays nothing. His family also cut all ties with us and never acknowledge ds.

I called ds by my surname pretty much straight away. He calls himself by that name. I can never change his birth certificate but I strongly wanted him to to be known by hisappalling father's family name.

I was meant to have my ex's permission for the official name-change to mine but absolutely did not want to try to track him down to get this. So I applied for a Specific Issue Order. It cost me 200 pounds. Last week I went to the family court for the hearing. The judge granted it in under five minutes.

If ds had been older and knew himself by exh's surname I wouldn't have changed it. It's fortunate that he was only a small baby when exH ran away.

But I was still concerned that the court would question whether it was the right thing for DS to grant me the order, or that the judge would ask me to go to further lengths to contact exH for his 'permission.'

I am very grateful to the judge for giving me the order. I can now at least change ds's passport - and that will be a invaluable as a proof of identity document as ge grows up.

Just as a footnote, when he is old enough I will explain to ds exactly who his dad is and what his original name was. I have made a large 'dad box' full of photos and tons of other stuff (and a print-out of my whole original thread on here when Arsewipe first ran away. It is tortuous to read and I still can't look at it)

I can fully understand the urge not to want a child to have to carry the surname of a truly shit father. It's bloody medieval really that upon marriage, a woman (usually) takes the man's surname.

Never ever again!

sorry for typos

I totally understand where your coming from, my DD1 now 11, originally had my surname at birth, I went on to marry her step father, when my name changed due to marriage I applied to the courts to change hers, although her biological father contested it (he has no contact now though anyway), the judge granted it because she didn't have his surname anyway iyswim........... sadly my marriage failed and due to the reasons behind that, i desperatley want to change both our surnames back again :( obviously this is a massively different situation as we have support from the nspcc (who dd has been having councelling with) to support the name change application

however, when I was a child my mum remarried, I was "known as" at school, never legally changed etc...... my national insurance card came through in my known as name........... My passport was done in my known as name......... how I don't know.......

tbh I always asumed it was totally illegal, but I mentioned it to the registrar when I went to get the ban's read and she said because I had used the name for such a long time, she was happy it was my legal name. I asked because I was worried my marriage would be illegal as my name wasn't changed by law!
that said my younger brother also used known as but had to change his by deed-pole at 18 regardless, he only found out because he joined the army and they said his name wasn't legal, his passport was in his old name though

whoops sorry about spellings, that will teach me to feed DS1 at the same time