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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

christmas as a lone parent. How does it work?

27 replies

notanidiotnomore · 13/10/2010 19:18

This is my first Christmas as a single Mum.
My difficult ex has said he wants to pick them up at midday and take them to the in laws.
(From a purely selfish point of view, this would be awful as it means I will spend the rest of the day on my own as I have no family here).

What do most people do in terms of sharing the kids at Christmas?

OP posts:

andthenthereweretwo · 13/10/2010 19:31

Last year was my first year as a single mum. As Christmas eve fell on my ex usual nite my ds stayed there and picked him up around lunchtime on Christmas Day. Christmas Eve and Christmas morning were totally miserable however its something I will have to get used to. This year I will have him Christmas eve til lunchtime Christmas Day so dinner for one presumably :( Its not great and Im not sure what I can suggest to make it easier esp since it sounds as if you are inthe same boat as me having no other family to spend time with. I hope that my ex and I will alternate it every year. Its was interesting what friends actually invited me to stay with them at Christams and New Year (in my case none!)and that upset me considerably. Most of my friends just get on with their lives moaning about family, christmas dinner, presents etc without any thought to the fact that I was alone and got no presents! I did feel terribly sorry for myself and will make an effort this year to be more organised and treat myself to magazines, nice food etc.

Megancleo · 13/10/2010 19:33

Last Christmas was my first alone and I was dreading it. Yet it actually worked out as a celebration of new found freedom! I invited friends over(one with dc, one without) to make the day fun and busy when dc were around and when I was finally alone I was happy and truly enjoyed my time alone too-light a candle, open a new wine and learn to enjoy your company again..and if you end up in bed crying like hell then still be thankful you made it!

smokinpumpkins · 13/10/2010 19:39

Are you on good enough terms with your ex to go with him in the afternoon? My parents did this for the first couple of years after they split up.

Or, if you dont want to be alone, what about volunteering at a soup kitchen or something? From what I've heard they have a great spirit there on Christmas Day.

Last year was my first as a single parent, but luckily my ex doesnt celebrate Christmas so its been agreed I have them every Christmas Day and him every Boxing Day.

iloveshoesandbags · 13/10/2010 19:49

It's always a compromise.

I was dreading my first one, I had them until lunchtime and then he had them for the afternoon.
What do you want to do?

do you want them back for say late afternoon?
If you know what time they will get picked up and dropped off again see what plans you can make for yourself.

Treat yourself to some things that you really want that could fill that gap.
Do you have any friends that may be interested in meeting up on Christmas Day?

It actually turned out fine and we take it in turns - I have them christmas day this year and he will have them boxing day.

Hope it works out for you xxxx

FeelingOld · 13/10/2010 19:54

Well we usaully do it alternately.
1 year dc sleep here xmas eve and stay with me til late afternoon (about 4ish) on christmas daywhen they go off to their dads til boxing day late afternoon, the next year exh has dc these hours.

About 18 months ago dd cut exh out of her life (she is 15 now) so I wont have to spend time on my own now at christmas luckily as its dismal.

ChaoticAngel · 13/10/2010 20:15

In my case for the last few years I've had them until dinnertime. He picks them up then drops them back off again around tea time.

ledkr · 13/10/2010 20:16

I think it depends on the rest of the year tbh.
My ex left us when 3 ds,s were in teens and dd was a baby. He never paid anything and saw them for short periods usually in my house and infrequently.
Therefore there was no flipping way i was going to miss out on xmas with them as i was the one who did everything all year. Fortunately he is such a twat that hes never really wanted to see them as he will have a party or an " eleven course meal in a resurant" when hes not even bought them presents as "has no money"
Am re married now and first anniversary was last xmas eve and we had planned a meal after church with the dcs and partners etc so told him he couldnt come then or at 7am xmas morning which suited him as he and his gf wanted to get to their friends and start drinking. i suggested 9am but he didnt come.At 1.45 am his gf phoned my house phone paraletic and abused me (i presume as she was incoherant) Easy for me i guess!

justonemorethen · 13/10/2010 20:17

I would be telling all my friends what was happening as I bet at least one would invite you round.
I love having other people over as it always feels nice having friends as well as family.

Otherwise sign up to volunteer as suggested (help the aged are good). Will make you feel better or tire you out, both a good idea for Christmas night.

My partner had his daughter alternate Christmases (she lives abroad). However he has her every year now as her mum (single parent)finds the break useful.They do an early Christmas together and then ex goes on holiday with friends.

HappyWithLife · 13/10/2010 22:37

I'm so lucky in that my exh has never asked to have the DCs on xmas day. When they were younger, although he really wanted them, he felt it would be too painful for me and the DC so he would always have them on boxing day instead for a few days, and now they are older they choose to stay at home with me and their little sister and then go to their Dad's as usual on boxing day.
It's always something I've dreaded happening but I count my lucky stars I've never had to face it. DD2's sperm donor is not in our lives so I don't have that worry. I really feel for you all who have to go through it.

brightwell · 14/10/2010 08:34

My dc have every other christmas with their dad, he picks them up Christmas eve afternoon & brings them back Boxing Day afternoon. He lives 60 miles away.

I usually work Christmas when dc are away but have spent a couple on my own, it's not so bad. I usually spend the day watching tv & eating chocs.

Is there anyone you can invite round?

chandra · 16/10/2010 00:38

If it is the first Christmas this is the right time to decide, mutually, what to do. Before any patterns you dislike are established and therefore difficult to change.

If you don't have family there, I would recommend to go for alternate Christmas, so one year you and your children have the Christmas season together and free to go with your family if you so wish, and the other one they have a chance to do the same with their paternal family while you go and visit yours.

I am against splitting the Christmas period. It is doable if your respective families live near by but if there is one with the family away (or both) it is just rubbish. The children do not get to enjoy the period properly because it will be interrupted, and if the family(ies) are away it only serves the purpose ensure the children are interrupted in any activity they may be enjoying, and for you to be left alone at a particularly sensitive time.

notevenaghostie · 17/10/2010 06:53

I think it's always difficult regardless of circumstances.
How close do you and ex live? I think that dictates whether you have to alternate the "whole experience" or have a bit of the day each.
My ex was interested in our DD to start with, and I had to work (healthcare) our first Christmas seperated. He took her to his new GF. It was probably the worst time, ever, in my whole life - I'm not exaggerating. But, I did Christmas on New Year's Day, the next day I had off, with my DD and my mum, and we had a wonderful day - 2 year old have no idea!

I the last year or so, my ex has stopped seeing DD so for all that I am exhausted, Christmas is fixed for me, and for that I am grateful, though sad she will not know her father.

mamalovesmojitos · 17/10/2010 12:49

this is how we do it too op, x takes dd at around midday/lunchtime on xmas day. i am lucky as i have family nearby to spend time with.

agree with others, the best idea would be to invite a friend over or invite yourself to their's.

if that is not an option the volunteering actually sounds like a great way to spend the day. great xmas spirit, meeting other people, feeling of doing something good. a new experience.

alterntively, tell yourself that all in all, it's just one day, and you have your dcs most other days. get your favourite food together, your favourite drinks, have a favourite movie/book/bath bubbles ready and enjoy some YOU time.

tbh, the first year i was dreading it, but now realise that it's just one day and i'll see her for most of the other 364 days during the year. so i take the chance to relax and a have an extra glass of wine. hth.

anothermum92 · 17/10/2010 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

notevenaghostie · 17/10/2010 14:18

The thinking about it definitely better... :)

notevenaghostie · 17/10/2010 14:22

Sorry sorry ... the reality is definitely better, than the weeks or months of thinking about it :)

MaMoTTaT · 17/10/2010 14:26

This is my second one (first was 2 years ago)

2yrs ago exH picked them up 4pm Christmas day and brought them back mid afternoon Boxing day

This year he asked if he could have them from 10-1ish. I said no - at the very least if I've got them in the morning of Christmas day I want to take them to church (and ironically the day he rang me DS1 and I had been talking about Christmas and he'd said he was looking forward to going to church).

So we've agreed that I'll drop them round at his after the service (about 11ish) and he'll bring them back to me around 2ish.

crace · 17/10/2010 15:10

This will be our first Christmas split and have agreed that I will have them on Christmas Eve until lunchtime on Christmas, and exH will have them lunchtime Christmas and Boxing Day. We've not worked out NYE but I will most likely have them as ex likes to go out until the wee hours and I don't have the stamina! Not an issue though, I haven't gone out as long as him in years, when out together.

I feel really good about it, we both get them for a bit on the days that matter and as he doesn't work between boxing day and NY (office closes) he will have them a bit then. I have to work unfortunately!

MakingAMess · 18/10/2010 13:56

can't even get exh to agree what to do for xmas this year - and it is our first one.

it is my weekend according to the calendar. i should have them from xmas eve 8am until 6pm on Boxing Day.

i have suggested to exh that we do a 'joint thing' on xmas day - whereby the non-resident parent comes over on xmas morning and we do present opening together and eat together. he has said 'why would i want to spend any time with you?'. hmmm - methinks that is not the point of my suggestion!!

so now we will have to argue about it. which is do not want to do.

what is best for the kids? if we can manage it - that we both swallow our differences and do presents together. if we can't - well they have two christmases. i am prepared to flex - he isn't.

exh and I live near each other. neither of us has any family around here. so we are both on our own if we don't do a joint xmas day thing.

elastaghoul · 18/10/2010 16:10

It is difficult. We did the joint Xmas morning thing when we first split. Kids were happy, I hated it. Last year I made him pick the kids up mid Xmas morning. This year they are with me. Next year he can pick them up Xams morning, he isnt going to like it but I really dont care

MakingAMess · 18/10/2010 16:16

elastaghoul - yes i would hate the joint thing as well, esp if in his house (which used to be our house). i hate going back to the place as it is such a stinking filth pit.

however, i would do that just for them. and would rather do that than be without them.

follyfoot · 19/10/2010 10:39

My ex doesnt see his DD so I've always had her.

Talking to my DH now, he went to his ex's house the first Christmas to see them open their presents. If its bearable for everyone, that does seem a good thing to be able to do. Since then, he has had to put up with having them when she said he was allowed - which has been from around 6/7 in the evening on Christmas day. Now they are older and decide for themselves, they come earlier in the afternoon (after lunch with their other grandparents). The older one usually then goes back to his Mum's to sleep but the younger one always wants to stay. It works fine.

A friend used to alternate, with whoever didnt have them on Christmas day doing the whole Christmas dinner and presents thing on Boxing day instead.

worryingaboutxmasalready · 03/11/2010 16:30

I'm going into 3rd Xmas now and it doesn't get any easier to negotiate.. Last year I had DD for xmas eve and until 3pm on Xmas day and ex had her for Boxing day and day after. This worked OK - me and DD spent xmas day with friends as my family live miles away from me. However, this year I'd like to spend christmas with my family and so splitting the day won't be possible.. He is not happy about this and I'm not sure what to do about it..

gettingeasier · 03/11/2010 19:36

My first xmas alone.

Last Xmas blown to smithereens by discovery of an ow in middle of the night 23rd December - long story !

Suffice to say I decided I was having dc and he can see them for a couple of hours in the morning . Like makingamess its my weekend to have them as well which helps. Reading some of these posts maybe I am being a bit dictatorial .

Also he will spend Xmas with ow and her vast family so I dont feel too bad.

Already thinking about next year which will be his turn I guess. Struggle to imagine not spending Xmas with my dc ,

pinkstarlight · 06/11/2010 01:53

we have settled into the routine that my x sees the kids at his mums house for about 3 hours on christmas day afternoon,she lives close by.gives me the chance to washup have a quick clean up and much needed couple of hours snooze after being up at the crack of dawn.

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