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Kids resistant to new relationship, need help

13 replies

sphinxlady · 05/10/2010 22:49

Here's my problem - my children - girls aged 7 and 10, are very down on my new relationship of two years, and although we'd like to move in together he and I have worries.
I split with their Dad six years ago and he's had a very nice new partner - but not a cohabiting one - for the past four years. I instigated the end of the parental relationship, and because of things their Dad told them, my girls' view is that if only I would have him back, then Mum and Dad could be reunited. Denial of this brings wails of "you just don't understand!!!"
They resent new man (who is very child-friendly) are rude and grumpy with him, and the older one has broken down in tears recently at at school because, the teacher said "she wants mum and dad back together and she doesn't want him (new man) coming round every night" (which he doesn't, more like once a week). They both have complained about the rare times new man has disciplined them in two years i.e. given them both a talking to, and on one occasion forced a teeth-cleaning), and they both say he is "trying to replace Dad".
New man has a twelve year old daughter who will not be delighted either but who will be less impacted because she lives with her mum.
It all seems very hard, and we need a plan. Will Relate help? Anyone gone through the same thing? Aaargh!

OP posts:
Remotew · 05/10/2010 22:53

I would and always have put DC's needs first. However, you are entitled to a life and ideally one that they were happy with. Could you try it out and if it didn't work, rethink. Perhaps that's not a good idea. Someone else will come along. It is hard, I know.

readywithwellies · 05/10/2010 23:19

Go on a holiday together/spend a week together. See what issues come up. Write it down. Go from there.

Am in newly blended family. Communication and compromise is key and you both have to understand the the dcs come before your feelings, but that does not mean they should be able to dictate to you what you do or don't do.

IMO, its not this particular man, its the fact there is a man. And Dad ain't helping is he?

gillybean2 · 06/10/2010 18:27

Can't advise sorry. Have you tried the step parent section? You might get some help/advice there.

hairytriangle · 07/10/2010 08:25

Why is he disciplining your children. While I appreciate it's hard you can't possibly move in together while your children are so unhappy. Unfortunately you can't make them like him.

Granard · 07/10/2010 21:56

Very convenient of your ex to sew the seed that "if only" Mummy would see reason, all would be ok. Whilst he already has a new partner.

Agree with readywithwellies. Try a week's holiday.

But you really need to confirm with your kids that Mum and Dad are no longer together and that is not going to change.

And I think if you and your ex sat down with both of them and chatted about this, confirmed this is the situation and you're both happy with that and he also spoke about his new partner as being a permanent fixture ( albeit not a co-habiting one) it might help them accept your parnter.

Good luck.

sphinxlady · 08/10/2010 21:51

Thanks guys for your help! Will take up the suggestion of getting Dad to talk to DDs with me, about how we are both happy with current partners. Am a bit worried as I'm now quite annoyed with DDs for their drama-queen like behaviour ... I can see it from their point of view but can't see any way out if I want to progress with the relationship - and I'm still convinced new man is good for them anyway. It's just that they see him (and would anyone who was with me) as a threat to their closeness to me. BTW - he only has asserted himself discipline-wise a few times with them, but I think in the same way as any other adult close to us would do ... is that wrong? I feel bad that maybe I've not been tough enough on them growing up and now they can be a handful ... and new man helps me with that, in a good way. Which is one of the reasons I love him - he helps me. Which ex never did. But yes, kids hate it. Sorry, bit of a messy post. But thanks all!

OP posts:
gillybean2 · 09/10/2010 10:25

I don't think it's wrong for him to discipline them if you're happy with it and within reason giving he doesn't live with you all yet so it's not his home as such.

In the same way that if a friend of your dc was over and did something you didn't allow (like when my ds slide down the bannister at his friends house) I think it's perfectly ok for him to say that's not allowed.

But if he's dishing out grounding, tv time and pocket money reductions etc and not living there that's different.
He should be allowing you to make such decisions, just as you would inform the friend's parents what had gone on and leave it to them to decide on what (if any) punishment may be in order.

sphinxlady · 09/10/2010 11:14

No, he's not doing any of those things, just saying stuff like "you are lucky to get to go to drama classes, not all kids can, your mum works hard for you and you like drama, so why don't you put your shoes on now and stop fussing" and then - this is the bit they really don't like - actually picking her up (this was the seven year old) and taking her out of the door to go to drama with her shoes in his hands ... He also carried the bigger one up the stairs once to bed once. Oh yes, once he bought them both a chocolate bar as a treat for after dinner and then when the ten year old was badly behaved over food/manners etc he said no choccy now ... that's all. But they remember and resent!

OP posts:
ellasmum1 · 19/10/2010 16:24

just wanted to say sphinxlady that i am in a very similar situation with my new partner and dd aged if you want to chat and swap ideas feel free to leave a message.
I'm finding it very difficult feeling torn between partner and dd.
I have let her feel she ruled the roost for a long time i think and now i'm paying the price because she is so angry and jealous of me having a partner.
Especially when he stays over.

poshsinglemum · 20/10/2010 13:19

Don't drop him just because your dds don't like him. It must be so hard though.

poshsinglemum · 20/10/2010 13:22

Kids coming first does not mean kids dictate what mummy does however. He is your man, you love him. Your ex has a new dp; why shouldn't you.?
Let them be angry. Thay have to learn to get along witth others in this life.

allgonebellyup · 20/10/2010 15:04

Agree with poshsinglemum here - and i am in the same position as the OP except i have only been seeing my new man around 5 weeks!!!!!!!!!!
i try to put my dc first but my dd thinks this consists of her telling me when my bloke can visit and when he can't, and ended in her "banning" me from seeing him at all.

I would and will stop seeing him if it makes her happy, but then i feel as though she is controlling the situation and has "won."

i have no helpful advice, sorry!!

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 20/10/2010 19:40

I had similar feelings/reaction and stressed myself over it, usually pandering to DC.

A good friend told me that I was entitled to be happy and new man is not an ogre so to go ahead and be proud/happy/honest and the DC will follow my lead

She was right.

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