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Pressure/blackmail re. XP being there at birth

47 replies

Yika · 19/09/2010 14:08

I've already posted about this, probably in another topic, can't remember now. But I just feel at a complete loss.

My XP left me for someone else a bit more than a month ago, when I was 8 months pregnant.

My due date is now 2 days away, and he absolutely insists on being there for the birth otherwise he will have nothing to do with our daughter and won't put his name on the birth certificate.

What can I say? It's just blackmail, pure and simple. If there were no baby I would walk away without a second glance. But I want her to have a father and an identity.

Both options are horrible to me. To be forced to have him there, or to be forced to deny our baby her father.

I just don't know what to do. I feel really stressed.

OP posts:
BeehiveBaby · 19/09/2010 14:13

'Stressed' probably doesn't cover it, I'm sure. I would call his bluff...you can't birth safely with him there IMHO if he makes you feel like this.

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/09/2010 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Niceguy2 · 19/09/2010 14:17

If he is serious about being a dad then not being at the birth won't make a difference. Either he does or he does not.

Allowing yourself to give in to his blackmail will just green light him to do the same in the future. So if he doesn't get the contact he wants then he'll not see her. If you make him pay maintenance then he won't see her and so on.

You only have one real choice when being blackmailed and that's not to give in. Otherwise it just never stops.

Lulumaam · 19/09/2010 14:18

what SGM says

how dare he bully you ?

do you have nother birth partner

you are not forced to deny your baby her father, he is choosing to walk away

his choice

and fwiw, having someone at the birth that you are uncomfortable with , who upsets or frightens or makes you tense will actually have a potentially negative effect on the labour, causing it to slow down or stall

you need to be with caregivers who want to support you , who have no got a game plan

tell him no, he can't be there, and if he chooses to walk away, taht is his choice

be strong

JustDoMyLippyThenWeWillGo · 19/09/2010 14:18

This sounds like madness to me; of course he shouldn't be there if you don't want him! You should not have to be worrying about this at this time. He can meet the baby as soon as she arrives, when you think it's right, but can't expect to be there for birth. He will change his mind, I am sure when the baby is here. Good luck with the birth

Yika · 19/09/2010 14:26

Thanks all.

You're confirming my instinct that as soon as blackmail rears its ugly head the only sane thing to do is stand up to it.

I'm just terrified of scarring my child!! I never dreamt I would bring a baby into such a mess.

I have a friend who's volunteered to accompany me at the birth but honestly I'd rather be alone.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 19/09/2010 14:31

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sowhatis · 19/09/2010 14:31

Let you friend go with you, or a trusted family member, dont do it alone.

stand up to the prick, he is being an arse (to say the least). your not scarring your child.

If you dont like/want the confrontation, you could also say nothing to him when you do go into labour, call when its over and say there was no time.....

best of luck

x

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/09/2010 14:32

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Yika · 19/09/2010 14:34

:D you're a great friend SGM!!

I think I'll definitely ask her to come with me to the hospital, and then maybe see how I feel once I'm installed in the labour room.

Good luck with the 4 little uns!

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StewieGriffinsMom · 19/09/2010 14:40

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JiggeryPopery · 19/09/2010 14:57

I wonder if he's calling your bluff - perhaps he knows you'll say no, so this is his get-out-of-fatherhood clause, that he's now going to blame on you?

You absolutely must NOT have him there at the birth. For one thing he will be critical, you will be stressed and that's good for no one. Secondly it opens the floodgates - from here on in it'll be 'do as I say or I won't see dd again' - using a child to hurt a parent is a despicable thing to do. Right now, from what you've said, I think the best thing you could do for your dd is hope he'll have nothing to do with her, and one day you can find her a real man to be her father. Poor dd.

On the plus side, you are now shot of the twat, though I do feel a bit sorry for the poor cow now saddled with him. Who will of course be shitting herself that the moment dd is born, he will ditch her and come running back to you.

Oh, and give her YOUR surname. You face a lifetime of confusion at passport control, in school and at GP from here on in - not nice to be called 'Mrs ExP' because people presume you have the same surname. It's a practical consideration - it doesn't make him less her father, his involvement is up to him, he can call her what he likes. But as you'll be raising her, give her YOUR name.

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/09/2010 15:05

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MollieO · 19/09/2010 15:05

Having father's name on the birth certificate gives him parental responsibility but doesn't make him a father ime. Ds's father's name is on his birth certificate but he has never been a father to ds and wouldn't recognise him if he was standing next to him. Actions speak louder than words. Personally I wouldn't want a man like this anywhere near my child.

I was alone to have ds and it was absolutely fine (the MW was there of course!).

Second the point about giving the baby your name. Ds has my name as his surname on his birth certificate even though his father is named (signing the birth certificate was the only thing he did).

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 19/09/2010 15:27

Are you sure you want your XP's name on the birth certificate anyway? That would mean he gets automatic Parental Responsibility; see here for example.

"...once a parent has Parental Responsibility he has a right to see his child's medical records, authorise medical treatment, and veto name-change, adoption and overseas travel.
And the child's mother is now expected to consult him on important child-raising issues, such as religious and secular education.
All that applies whether or not he is living with his child."

Is that something you really want to be dealing with in the future, if he is already blackmailing you over this?

mummytime · 19/09/2010 15:46

Don't have him there, take your friend, if only to get midwives when you need them etc.

Don't get his name on the birth certificate.

You and baby have had a lucky escape, if he is this unreasonable, as you will see one day.

lostFeelings · 19/09/2010 17:30

I would never allow someone who treated me like your ex to come anywhere near me let alone to be at my birth when I am at my most vunerable

you don't have to give name etc for few weeks after baby's birth

give yourself time to think it through and don't decide on an impulse about puting ex's name on baby's birth certificate...

MadAboutQuavers · 19/09/2010 18:11

He leaves you for someone else when you are 8 months pregnant

And then lays down the law as to what will happen when you bring your baby into the world

His arrogance and selfishness is overwhelming Shock

As everyone has said, take back control of your life. Be firm. No matter what blackmail he attempts, refuse to be cowed by it. What's he going to do - barge his way into the delivery suite? Of course he isn't

What a lucky escape you've had (even if it doesn't quite feel like that yet...)

Miggsie · 19/09/2010 18:17

Don't even think of having on the birth certificate, it would be pointless. You can register the baby perfectly well on your own. Give the baby your surname or you are in for 18 years of queries over the different surname all over some bloke who isn't fit to wipe your shoes.

And if he was at the birth he'd be sodding useless, just tell him it's none of his business. He's chosen to leave, now you choose to tell him to go. It's a subtle but very important shift in perspective for you.

SugarMousePink · 19/09/2010 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yika · 19/09/2010 21:50

Thanks a lot everybody - your encouragement has really cheered me up, and has made me feel strong enough to take the risk of not having him there.

I love MN - it's great to have support when going through this kind of thing. :D

OP posts:
mamas12 · 19/09/2010 22:55

The risk is to your well being and a good outcome to your birth experience with him there yika.

You are doing your dd a good thing thing by making your and her birth the best and safest place possible to be.

What a bully, hope you have a good birth and forget him at this crucial time.

Agree with taking your friend and not even telling him until you are ready to face him with witnesses.

Tell all the staff too,

SolidGoldBrass · 20/09/2010 00:47

Tell your MW that your XP is harassing you and that you do not want him present at the birth. There is absolutely no way he will be allowed to force his way in - if he is stupid enough to try he will be arrested.
Do take your mate with you, it is good to have someone who cares about you nearby. (I had my mum and my best friend as birth partners - DS dad and I were not on good terms during the PG though the dad has now utterly redeemed himself and is very involved... but even so I'm not sorry I had just mum and friend with me on the day...)

KickArseQueen · 20/09/2010 01:04

I totally agree with those saying it will be the tip of the iceberg - I think you need to stand up to him now, you are not going to scar your child you are going to teach your child how to be a strong woman with a free will, not how to be bullied or blackmailed.

Either tell him he's not coming because he blackmailed you or tell him the when the baby has arrived and that there was no time. And definatly give your baby your name.

Best of all wishes to you and your babe

gillybean2 · 20/09/2010 07:21

The hospital are there to ensure you are both safe for baby's arrival. That includes keeping your Ex out once you have told them he is harrassing you.

Take your friend and make sure she knows that your Ex is not to be allowed in should he turn up. No ifs no buts, not for any reason what-so-ever!

Also absolutely make sure the midwife and hospital staff also know this before hand. As SGB says if you make them aware, and most importantly why (harrasment), they won't allow him in. Staff may change shift though so that's why your friend should be there to make sure this happens.

In the final part of labour you don't need to be worrying about him, let your friend be in charge of that should it arise.

Being on the birth certificate does NOT make him a dad. My ds's birth certificate proves that. And he will get automatic PR to harrass you with in future if he is on the certificate. Really think about it before you agree to it. I would have reconsidered had it been automatic PR back when ds was born.

If he genuinely wants to be a dad to your baby he can get PR later (once he has proved himself). He can also be added to the birth certificate later. So let him do some leg work on this, prove he is genuine and wants to be involved.

And feel free to tell him now that you've changed your mind and don't believe he should be on the birth certificate as he clearly would rather bully and threaten you that actually be a father. Tell him any man who can stress, harass and attempt to blackmail a pregnant woman isn't the kind of role model you want in a father and if he had your baby's best interests, and health, at heart he'd back off now. Leave it at that. Clearly he has no idea of what giving bith involves so you don't want him there.

Write down details of the conversations/phone calls/texts re this so you can remember them in the future should you need too. Date, time, location, who was there, what was said. If he takes you to court in the future you can say you need to see his commitment to being a father as so far all he has done is threaten and bully you to get his own way and not been thinking about the baby at all.

Also how much contact are you having with your Ex? Stop contacting him now about this. If he phones/texts ignore it. If you are contactable then suddenly stop being he may figure out you are at the hospital and turn up.

Re the surname thing - My ds has my surname. I have never had a problem taking him abroad, with school, doctor anything like that. I still get called Mrs Bean, but hey that's far better than being called Mrs Ex!

Your baby will suffer far more heartache with a bullying dad who isn't putting their best intrests first that they will from an absent father. My ds does ask about his dad and it isn't nice having to deal with it. My friend's kids however are thoroughly screwed up by their dad's behaviour and bullying, aggressive methods of getting what he wants :(

Best wishes for the safe arrival of your baby. Let us know when you can how it all goes.

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