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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Pressure/blackmail re. XP being there at birth

47 replies

Yika · 19/09/2010 14:08

I've already posted about this, probably in another topic, can't remember now. But I just feel at a complete loss.

My XP left me for someone else a bit more than a month ago, when I was 8 months pregnant.

My due date is now 2 days away, and he absolutely insists on being there for the birth otherwise he will have nothing to do with our daughter and won't put his name on the birth certificate.

What can I say? It's just blackmail, pure and simple. If there were no baby I would walk away without a second glance. But I want her to have a father and an identity.

Both options are horrible to me. To be forced to have him there, or to be forced to deny our baby her father.

I just don't know what to do. I feel really stressed.

OP posts:

catinthehat2 · 20/09/2010 07:39

Hang on, if he's there at the birth it still doesn't mean he's going to show up when the baby is registered.

How is this blackmail? You seem to be talking yourself into this without realising that he has literally no leverage to get you tao agree to have him at the birth.

Original poster

Yika · 20/09/2010 18:08

Hi again. Re. surnames/name on birth certificate, it's good to hear your different experiences, perhaps I've been too hung up the idea of DD-to-be having a name on the certificate; i can see now there are advantages to me having sole responsibility.

Catinthehat - no, no guarantee that he would be there to register her - but I do fear the reverse (what he is threatening).

OP posts:

deemented · 20/09/2010 18:13

Yika - what an utter utter fuckmuppet he is - you and your dd deserve so much better then him.

I know you're feeling really unsure just now... but think about your daughter... what would you advise if this was her going through this in say, 30 years time?

Original poster

Yika · 21/09/2010 19:36

'Fuckmuppet' - tee hee, yes that just about says it!!

He is a good and consistent father to his other children, I will say that for him.

OP posts:

MadAboutQuavers · 22/09/2010 11:01

Yika - what is making you so afraid of not having his name on the birth certificate?

He may be a good father, but he's being a controlling, manipulative piece of shit

maledetta · 22/09/2010 14:48

Hmmm, Yika, I wonder if we are sharing the same fuckmuppet? Good & consistent father to his other children- yes. Interest in our 8 month old DS- nil at present. He was around for the birth and insisted upon being on the birth certificate, also upon giving DS a stupid middle name (the name of a local ale!), which I conceded as a generous gesture. Since then, to cut a long story short, pretty much zero contact. Every time I see his name on the birth certificate I feel queasy and wonder what I have done. Luckily, you can have stupid forenames removed at minimal cost for the first 12 months, although they will be recorded on the original birth certificate for ever. Ack. Here's hoping you're in labour right now, with good support around you...and no fuckmuppets!

maledetta · 22/09/2010 14:54

Also....When I posted on MN about whether to have knobjockey's name on the BC, I got a lot of fairly aggressive responses berating me for even thinking about leaving him off, and asking how DS would feel seeing a blank space where his daddy's name on his BC? Well, now I am wondering about how he will feel in the future reading the name of a person who is a complete stranger to him, and has never shown any interest. If I should meet somebody lovely in the future who wants to play the role of a father to DS, his name will not be the one on the BC. Far, far worse than a blank space IMO.

Original poster

Yika · 22/09/2010 23:12

MAQ and Maledetta, thanks for your thoughts on the BC. I don't like the idea of the baby not having a named father on the BC, just because of a feeling that it's important for children to have a solid sense of identity. But perhaps it's true that I'm making too much of it.

The ironic thing is that I've been badgering him about having his name on the BC for ages and now with all the wise advice from MN I wonder if I wouldn't actually be better off without it!

He's not planning to give any silly names though :) that sounds quite annoying.

He is being controlling and manipulative, there's no question about it. I'm stressed as hell about it and just have no idea how involved he will be afterwards or whether I'll feel that our daughter is better off without him.

And I'm taking out all this stress on other people, e.g. my family :(

OP posts:

MadAboutQuavers · 23/09/2010 10:47

I'm so sorry your life's being made so difficult at such an important time Yika

If I were you, I'd get my selfish-head on. Focus on you and the baby. Nothing else is as important for the moment. Bring your little girl safely into the world. All other details can be worried about and dealt with later, because they are secondary

Good luck to you flower

Original poster

Yika · 23/09/2010 21:30

Hi again. The situation has been complicated by something I knew was coming and now it's happened. XP's oldest child, a son aged 23, died today of cancer.

I am devastated for XP and want to support him (I actually still love him, wish I could get past this and start to get over him) - yet still underneath it feel rage at the way he has treated/is treating me. I know it will be particularly important for him to be there at our baby's birth now, but it hurts for him to impose himself on me while excluding me from his life - including this. I wish I could be by his side and support him, but he has someone else now.

Do I put my own feelings aside regarding the birth? I simply can't imagine anything worse than losing a child, and of course I hope the baby will be a comfort to him, but I don't know whether this should override my own feelings.

To be honest I feel that I couldn't really stomach a standoff in this situation, yet it will still be eating me up inside. I could handle it just fine if we had simply split and he weren't with someone else - but the jealousy does my head in (even if I try not to show it).

God it all feels so bleak.

OP posts:

skidoodly · 23/09/2010 21:36

Do NOT put your own feelings aside regarding the birth.

It would be irresponsible to have a bullying abusive man in the room while you try to labour.

It is sad that his son has died, but it doesn't change that he treats you like a piece of shit.

You are about to become a mother. You need to start fighting your corner.

racetobed · 23/09/2010 21:45

What an awful situation. Of course he shouldn't be at the birth. And of course it's terrible that his poor son died at such a young age. But OP, he is with somebody else now. It is up to her to console him. You have a birth to prepare for and from now on must ONLY think of you and your baby. By all means let him know when the baby arrives, but I really do not think you should be seeing your ex-p until you've recovered from the birth and got to grips with the feeding.

Non of this mess is your baby's fault so pls concentrate on what your baby needs - a calm, unstressed mum focused on the job in hand.

good luck x

loopyloops · 23/09/2010 21:45

Agree with Skidoodly, that news is sad, but shouldn't change your mind.

Original poster

Yika · 23/09/2010 21:52

Thanks. I'm really struggling with the whole situation and appreciate your support.

OP posts:

KickArseQueen · 23/09/2010 22:01

I agree too Yika. Stick to your guns. Good Luck :)

hugglymugly · 23/09/2010 22:15

Don't give in to his demands. He left a family for you, and then he left you for someone else. The fact that tragedy has struck his first family shouldn't be something he should use to control you, especially at a time when you'll be most emotionally vulnerable.

I don't get the impression that he wants to be supportive of you during labour and welcoming this child into the world. Actually, I get a very different impression, and it's not a good one.

Your child does have an identity, and in these circumstances that's through the maternal line - the one you've given her for nine months and will endure for the rest of her life. Your daughter will probably ask you what her birth was like. What will you tell her?

Original poster

Yika · 23/09/2010 22:24

He didn't leave a family for me as it happens. Divorced for a long time when we met. And it's not him that's using the tragedy to pressurise me - I'm doing that all by myself :((on top of the pressure that he's already putting on).

But you're very right in that it doesn't feel like support.

OP posts:

mamas12 · 24/09/2010 23:03

Yika I find it sad that you are feeling excluded from supporting him through this. That makes you a good person. But he is not responding and that is sad in itself.

you have to support your newborn now by thinking of the best possible birth you two could have. I suspect it shouldn't include some one who has bullied their way into the room and someone who you hope will suddenly take you back after seeing you give birth.

Not good circs. imo to fully concentrate on the task in hand.

take your mum you will not regret it.

colditz · 24/09/2010 23:08

if he wanted to be a father, he would be a father whether or not he was present at the birth. Could you imagine saying to him "If I am not fully present and conscious throughout the birth of my daughter, I'm going to reject her utterly and pretend she doesn't exist"?

No, because you already think of yourself as a parent. He's clearly not doing that.

mylittleboy · 27/09/2010 19:40

i agree with most of you on here, dont have him there. im actually a midwife and if you dont want someone there, tell the midwives and they will make sure he doesnt come in, they'll call security if he tried against your will. birth is such an emotional time and you need to be with positive people who care about you so you can feel relaxed (as mch as you can). i really hope you have a straight forward labour.
your ex sounds very manipulative and it is cruel to treat you this way after what he's done. DEFINATELY put baby under your name, i did as ex partner didnt want to get married and i didnt want a different name to my boy. now we've split i am SOO glad i did that.
good luck with everything, your baby is lucky to have such a good mummy and one who puts her baby first.
take care.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/09/2010 18:44

It's sad for him that his son has died. But bereavement doesn;t turn an arsehole into a nice person. Having him at the birth will be even worse because he will make it all about him and weep and wail and attention-seek rather than looking after you.
Keep him at a distance, put yourself and the baby first.

snigger · 30/09/2010 18:57

Haven't read the whole thread but just want to add a comradely punch to the shoulder - this is a time that cannot be repeated or amended, and if he's not putting his child absolutely to the forefront then you need not worry about his feelings.

Worry about the baby, what's right for them, now and in the future. God knows, DH sat through ex-wife's labour in the sure and certain knowledge it was not his child, purely to keep his family together - it didn't work for him, and that should be a lesson in doing things to keep people happy when you should be completely child-focussed.

I hope you have an easy labour, and I hope you choose to have someone you trust and love with you, because it's such an incredible moment, and it should be shared without an agenda.

I hope your ex sees sense and puts his baby first soon. xx

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