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Original poster

How do I kindly tell a date one is not interested?

35 replies

BumChin · 13/09/2010 15:34

Hello Everyone,

I've changed my name for this. Went on a date last night- first time since spitting with my ex.

It was pleasant enough but no spark. He has messaged me saying what a lovely evening he had and hoped he didn't scare me off.

He is a very nice chap.

How do I kindly let him down? I'm not cut out for this.

OP posts:
Niceguy2 · 13/09/2010 15:40

How about..."I had a nice time but don't think we clicked enough. All the best for the future."

Then ignore any further messages.

Original poster
BumChin · 13/09/2010 15:51

Thanks Niceguy- isn't that a little abrupt though?

Never actually thought about this part when registering on the dating website.

OP posts:
Niceguy2 · 13/09/2010 16:15

In my experience its better to leave no room for doubt or by trying not to upset him and inadvertently giving him false hope.

scurryfunge · 13/09/2010 16:18

Yes, give them a shit sandwich.

Say something pleasant, followed by I don't want to go out with you and finish with another pleasant comment.Grin

LadyBiscuit · 13/09/2010 16:19

Do what Niceguy suggests but be prepared to have an abusive email in return. The bloke I went on one date with was really unpleasant when I told him that I wasn't interested in meeting again.

I have given up on internet dating - that's not the first time that's happened! Hopefully you will have better luck though :)

elastamum · 13/09/2010 16:29

I would send a polite note as per nice guys suggestion. Much better than just ignoring someone IMO

Original poster
BumChin · 13/09/2010 16:42

I wouldn't ignore him- that would be bad manners.

Thank you for ideas. I am a wimp. he is a grown man he can take it can't he?

OP posts:
readywithwellies · 13/09/2010 16:52

Think about how you would like to be let down gently, and then ignore him. I went on a few internet dates, never had any problems, as long as I was honest and straight forward when letting men down

Miley10 · 13/09/2010 17:38

I would tell him, I had this done to me last week, someone who I had gone on 3 dates with ignored me I suppose hoping I would work it out that he didnt want to meet again. I would've preferred a text telling me he didnt want to see me again so at least I knew where I stood rather than spending days thinking are we going to meet again.

atswimtwolengths · 13/09/2010 18:25

OK I'm going to go out on a limb here.

Are you waiting to fall in love at first sight? You had a date with a very nice man. You haven't felt the spark - in what? Three or four hours? Do you really think that's giving it long enough?

Do you remember a program on tv where couples had to go out on a number of dates before making the decision whether to continue? They had to go out in lots of different situations - daytime walks, nights out, etc - their opinion of each other was often completely different by the end of the dates.

How many nice blokes do you think there are out there? And you said he was VERY nice!

Why not go out with him again and see how it goes?

TheLifeOfRiley · 13/09/2010 18:28

There has to be a very basic physical attractive though don't you think???

Not seen that programme it sounds interesting! Smile

I agree, compliment - let him down gently - followed by wish him goodluck (I like the shit sandwhich analogy, my dad used to use that all the time!).

TheLifeOfRiley · 13/09/2010 18:29

OP did your date have a bum chin?? I'm nosey! Grin

Original poster
BumChin · 14/09/2010 09:29

Atswimtwolengths- I see your point but no, there was no physical attraction there, I'm very certain about this.

ThelifeofRiley [GRIN], no he didn't have a bum chin.

OP posts:
Niceguy2 · 14/09/2010 17:53

Atswimtwolengths, don't you know that nice guy's finish last? Grin

So Bumchin, is that your way of saying he was ugly as sin or was he as thick as poo in a bottle? Grin

grapeandlemon · 14/09/2010 17:59

Just say "I had a really good time with you last night, but feel I am going to take some time out for myself and not get into anything for the moment, take care and all the best"

gettingeasier · 14/09/2010 18:26

Can I ask is it the case that after the first date if you dont get a text saying had a nice time etc then you can assume they dont want to pursue it ? Also just out of interest whats modern etiquette on the bill ?

SolidGoldBrass · 14/09/2010 18:32

ASTL: No FFS, if she doesn;t want to see him again she should just politely tell him so. Life is too short to waste time dating people who bore you and are not physically attractive to you. The way in which women are subtly and unsubtly pressured into giving boring, creepy, fugly or basically inadequate men 'one more chance' is why so many women end up in shitty relationships with losers - too 'nice' to say, Thanks but no thanks.

gettingeasier · 14/09/2010 18:35

SGB Grin

Original poster
BumChin · 14/09/2010 18:57

Niceguy, he was neither. Really had a pleasant evening but seriously, I know, 100% I could not bring myself to kiss him or have sex with him, hence, the lack of physical attraction.

I messaged him back anyway- just said I too had a nice evening (I did) but there really was no connection and wished him the best for the future- so thank you for the tips!

I feel slightly bad, but only slight mind, because SGB is right. Life is too short. A grown man should be able to take it. We ll do at the end of the day.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 14/09/2010 20:38

Well done BC! Hopefully, if he is a nice man, he will accept this and cheerfully move on. If he replies, ignore it. If he starts getting stroppy, send him a message saying that if he doesn't leave you alone you will report him to the police (it's not very likely you'll have to do that).

Niceguy2 · 15/09/2010 04:52

Just say "I had a really good time with you last night, but feel I am going to take some time out for myself and not get into anything for the moment, take care and all the best"

Original poster
BumChin · 15/09/2010 09:33

Gettingeasier- I have no idea what modern etiquette on a bill for a meal would be. We went to a pub and had a few drinks. He offered first round, I paid for second round- which I think he seemed a little surprised at. It would be a bit rude to let the man pay for all the drinks IMO. Especially when you have only just met.

Grapeandlemon, I agree with Niceguy, I think though the intentions behind your reply are kind it would be a bit obvious that one was fibbing. He would be thinking, 'Well what's she doing on a dating website then?' wouldn't he?

Thanks SGB- I should imagine he would have the dignity to not pursue things.

OP posts:
Original poster
BumChin · 15/09/2010 09:36

Oh dear, just checked the website and he did reply, but very nice actually- just saying he had guessed as much and good luck to me too.

All's well that ends well.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 15/09/2010 10:05

Indeed. Don't reply by the way or he will start wondering if you are a game-player and he's supposed to pursue you.

elastamum · 15/09/2010 10:33

On bills, I have never been on a first date with a man who didnt offer and expect to pay the bill. It might be old fashiooned but I think it is polite.

I will offer to pick up the bill for a 2nd date but they have always been surprised.

I would never date anyone again who wanted to split a bill - the only time I offered to do this I knew I wasnt interested in seeing him again and didnt want him to pay for my meal.

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