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Original poster

How To Get Him Out Of Our Lives

51 replies

Danielle1982 · 11/09/2010 16:55

Hi,

I'm new to this and need some advice.

I am a new mother to a beautiful DD that was the result of a 3 month relationship. After he had ended it, I found out I was pregnant and stupidly informed him. He agreed to stand by me and the child and I was keen to start a family and be a proper unit. This was not to be, however and I quickly realised that he was not keen to be a part of my life, but to simply have an involvement with DD.

Several weeks of friendship and meeting his family and my family etc, I met someone else. It was halfway through my pregnancy. My new boyfriend was there throughout, put a roof over our heads, provided everything I needed and is a real dad to DD. When DD was born I tried to get rid of biological father by telling him that he wasn't the father and that I'd had a DNA test with the real father. Meanwhile I'd constructed a perfect little world; telling friends and family that new boyfriend was the father etc etc.

He's since dragged me through the courts, causing so much friction for me within the family, took it upon himself to put his name on DD's birth cert, and got awarded contact and PR. I am totally against this. He did not know my address and even served the initial court papers at a toddler group I used to take my DD to.

I don't know what to do. I don't want him affecting our lives anymore. I want him to go and leave us alone to enjoy the perfect little family that we have now.

What do I do?

OP posts:
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pluperfect · 11/09/2010 18:09

Danielle, I missed your later posts about alcohol. Take it easy, whoever you are. Your DD won't benefit from having her two biological parents at war.

Miggsie · 11/09/2010 18:11

Um, is the OP cross because the replies supported his/her posistion?
And now he hates mumsnet.

Gosh, being supportive and fair really is a bugger these days, isn't it?

StewieGriffinsMom · 11/09/2010 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnePrune · 11/09/2010 18:15

Hang on

Posters say 'he is the father and has rights' and the father then slags off the posters for....agreeing with him and saying the right thing?

Singular.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 11/09/2010 18:17

Bonkers.....

TheCrackFox · 11/09/2010 18:23

Ok, Danielle you have got off to a bad start on Mumsnet but actually this is a place for parents not just Mums.

I can see why you are angry and I think your child has every right to know her father and that you shouldn't be airbrushed out. So you have no choice but to keep fighting for your and your child' right to a relationship.

"Think I may drink some more and take my car into to the nearest train track as not seeing my daughter will kill me a lot slower", If you are having any suicidal thoughts, please, contact the Samaritans.

DuelingFanjo · 11/09/2010 19:15

OMG! Worst troll ever! Shock

or something....

GypsyMoth · 11/09/2010 19:28

Dan....please take a look ar wikivorce.com the forums are good and i hope someone can help you

Original poster
Danielle1982 · 11/09/2010 23:15

Folks.

Okay, I'm sorry and I'm sorry to get anyone worried or concerned and I appreciate that I went about this in totally the wrong way.

My real name's Daniel, (masculine) and I've been trying to be an involved father in my daughter's life since she was born over a year ago. I've been through the court, been blunt, been nice and nothing seems to get me anywhere.

Her mum's everything you described her as, and I feel I needed to get a 'second opinion' or see for myself if there would be peeps who supported what she wanted. I got to a point where I thought everyone and every agency etc DID support the mother and forget the father.

I do have contact, but I do not have involvement. If I could turn back the clock, I would have entered into a relationship with her JUST to be safe in the knowledge that I would see my DD everyday.

Once every two weeks isn't enough. Once every month at a family event, isn't enough. I wouldn't change anything, but the situation I wish I could...

I don't want to be a 'McDad'.

OP posts:
Ineedmorechocolatenow · 12/09/2010 06:39

Sorry to hear that you are having a tough time of it Dan. I know there are two sides to this, but it sounds hellish to me to be so desperate to see your DD and only being given small snippets of time.

Is once a fortnight what the court decided? Doesn't sound enough to me. We need a bit more background about how you came to the present access arrangements.

You sound so angry (with reason). It must have really worn you down. I can understand why you feel that everything is weighed in favour of the mother. Are you chatting to someone about this? It's all too easy for that anger to fester and that's not healthy for you or your DD.

I wish you luck.

Kathyjelly · 12/09/2010 06:59

What do you want in terms of involvement? Like it or not, you need to work with your DD's mum. I realise that's not been working so I guess you could try a different approach.

Decide on what would be the most important thing to you - extra time with your DD I imagine - but whatever, be clear in your own mind. Then look at your ex-partner's life. Every mum has tired, overworked times, when a break, even for an hour would be a God-send. Regular, reliable, trustworthy, free childcare is a very tempting commodity so have you tried making some completely open-ended offers. Friday or Saturday nights maybe?

I realise this isn't ideal or guaranteed but it might get you what you want if the courts won't help you.

hairytriangle · 12/09/2010 10:32

Op if you think this is in any way reasonable you are sick. He has as much right as you to be in his childs life.

scurryfunge · 12/09/2010 10:38

hairytriangle, read the full post Smile

Niceguy2 · 12/09/2010 11:24

Hi Daniel

Can you define what you mean by be more involved? From what you've said, you have contact every other weekend correct? How about holiday time? Special occasions?

Whilst your desire to be more involved is noble and you fought the good fight, if your contact now is steady, I think you need to take a little time to define what you want and consider if it is realistic.

Alternate weekends is a common contact pattern as it allows both the child(ren) to enjoy weekends with both mum & dad. Ideal it is not but then being a single parent is not either.

At the end of the day, your daughter is one. Not the best of time to spend a long time away from home. Hopefully as time goes on and she grows, she can stay with you longer. During school holidays perhaps?

The important thing is that you are there for her. You see her regularly, so she knows who you are. The contact pattern you have now is unlikely to be the same for the next 17 years.

My advice is to find a way to let go of some of the bitterness, focus on whats important (ie. whats best for your daughter) and if you can build some bridges with the ex so that as time goes on, you can discuss changes to contact without resorting to court action.

In short, play the long game.

hairytriangle · 12/09/2010 13:20

Niceguy I usually think you talk a lot of sense, but I just can't agree with you on this one. It takes two people to make a child, both have every right, no matter how old or what the circumstances (unless they are harmful) to spend quality time (50/50 as a starting point) and more to the point, the child has that right.

Mumi · 12/09/2010 13:32

Hi Dan,

Welcome to Mumsnet - it must take some guts to come back after an entrance like that! - please keep talking :)

Niceguy2 · 12/09/2010 16:18

Hairy, i don't think our position is much different. I would agree that in theory both parents are equal and ideally 50-50 with each parent would be good.

However, what is ideal and what is practical are two entirely different things.

Given his DD is one, being separated from her main carer for long periods may not be suitable. Better to build it up over time and concentrate on improving the relationship with ex. The latter will pay dividends in the long run if it is possible.

Plus has Dan sat down to think how he will juggle working with midweek contact? Or if he got every weekend, how he will have a life himself?

What I was trying to do is say that sometimes when you've been in a bitter court battle that it blurs your vision and you end up focussed "winning" in court rather than whats best for the child.

ElenorRigby · 13/09/2010 12:11

As Niceguy said this is a long game.
For right or wrong no court in the land will let you have 50-50 for a one year old, that's the reality at the moment.

You can either accept that and build contact as your daughter gets older, my DSD was ready for and loved 50-50 at around 3 1/2-4 years old.
Or
You can rant and rave and shout wasting a lot or energy, whilst really only hurting yourself.

A more positive alternative might be to accept the reality for now, but join groups like Families Need Fathers to campaign for change and get help/ support from people in a similar boat.

You must really adore your DD to contemplate being in a relationship with someone just so you could see your daughter everyday. Believe me your daughter will feel and respond to your love for her. Hold on to and build on that. Best of Luck.

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/09/2010 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maxine5 · 14/09/2010 10:31

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Message withdrawn

piratecat · 14/09/2010 10:40

daniel, i know you missing out on the everyday things, and it must kill. I just think that you sound as though you will be the perfect dad to have.

If you always keep at the contact, always love this little girl becuase she is YOUR daughter and make sure you are there, she will see you as the best dad.

As she grows and knows you as a safe, loving man, she will be very blessed. xx

maxine5 · 14/09/2010 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tippychoocks · 14/09/2010 12:41

Well for what it's worth I think coming back and outing himself as Dan not Danielle is quite a brave thing to do Grin

Your situation is very sad Dan and I hope you continue to feel so strongly about seeing your daughter. Once every two weeks is not a lot of contact at all, it seems reasonable that you should want more.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/09/2010 18:50

While I appreciate that it is awful to see less of your child than you would like, I can't help wondering if her mother originally binned you because you don't much like women? Ranting about 'feminist bitches' and threatening to kill yourself if you don't get your own way are not behaviours that would make me feel like giving you unlimited access to a one-year-old. Did you carry on like this when your DD's mother dumped you? That might explain why she hasn't exactly been bending over backwards to oblige you.
It's not too late to improve things, though. The best way forward for you, really, is to do your best to be civil and friendly to your DD's mother, who is your co-parent. As someone else said, as DD gets a little older, you will be able to increase contact time and the offer of an extra weekend night so her mum can have a night out, for instance, would be a good way of making for a more amicable co-parenting relationship.

Trilobiteontoast · 17/09/2010 12:29

You sound like my ex: full of self-pitying accusations, claiming a wish to be involved, but underneath it just a simmering cess-pit of emotional abuse and hatred towards your ex, who you chose to leave. You got very supportive responses, but your level of aggression caused you to verbally abuse the very people who supported you. No doubt the real situation is that your ex fears for the terrible example of failed manhood you'd set your child.