Christmas

[Supercherry]

I was just curious what other lone parents do for Christmas regarding their DCs and seeing their dads?

Christmas with my family is cosy and warm and happy and our family all get together to celebrate.

XP's family otoh have all fallen out with each other, it is very quiet and depressing there- no christmas spirit.

What I would want is to have Christmas with my family but tell XP and MIL etc that they are welcome to come and visit any time during xmas day (and put our differences aside) to see the DCs. I am probably being unrealistic here about XP's ability to be civil but I am hoping over time this will be the case.

Anyone?

well, we have the other situation in that our house is the jolly one at Christmas, it seems, but DH's exw's home is one of misery (or spent in the pub). So when DSCs are with her at Christmas they are unhappy (DH's EXW not speaking to her parents or any of her family). I too would like to us to be on civil terms iwth her and invite her over (with her BF) for a drink at Christmas when kids are with us (which they are this year, as we take it in turns). But we hvae asked in hte past and she refuses saying we are using it as an opportunity for us to flaunt our "wealth" and our "happiness" in front of her and that she thinks we are doing it to make her feel inferior!!! I think it is the right spirit though to invite XP if the children are with you this christmas. See if it works. Good luck!

Aaaaaaaargh !!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't want to go there yet.......ask me in November!

my ex walked out Nov 08, the 1st xmas was traumatic for all of us

luckily we were surrounded by a large loving family who made sure the dcs had a great xmas.

I made a promise to the dcs that we would always be together on xmas day.

last xmas the ex had the dcs for the 2nd week of the hols, but moaned a little.

this year he has created quite a fuss but I am sticking to my guns, he is welcome to see the dcs either on xmas eve or boxing day or maybe even on xmas morning, but they will always be with me for the greater part of the day as our family have much more fun together.

I will probably get flamed for saying it but stick to your guns, xmas is supposed to be magical for children and they should not have to suffer just because the other side are miserable.

Ds spends christmas with me as he only sees his father once a year. His gran (father's mother) comes to visit, normally on christmas eve. I take ds to do a bit of last minute shopping, then we make some jam tarts and go to the pantomime. It's normally just ds and I on Christmas day, my family usually come to visit on Boxing day but couldn't last year as my mum had broken her leg.

When I was with my ex we'd have dsd down after lunch most christmasses and her half brother wd sometimes come too. if we didn't then we'd have a special Xmas day for her at our house just before or just after.

I think it's lovely that you would invite ex and mil :)

I hate Christmas, it makes me feel I have so little to offer. Not close to my family, have no friends, or none I see at Christmas, anyway. Dcs spend the morning with me, we have lunch, then they go to their respective dads where there are lots of relatives, more presents etc. Meanwhile I have to find a way to get through the rest of the day on my own.

I am in the middle of a battle over Christmas. XP wants to come to my house where his family, DD and I will be. I really do not want him here, we loathe each other at the moment, he has a new GF and I truly want him to want to be with her on Christmas Day not here with us.

He says he's coming to my house whatever I say. He will not be excluded! He will just walk in, cause havoc if I don't allow him in and generally ruin the day. He's a real psychological bully, vile.

Do I just give in and invite him anyway and get the day out of the way? I'm feeling very weary of it all and it's only September!

Ladydeedy, that's a shame. Maybe when the children get older they will have mnore say in whom they spend Christmas with.

Passmyglassplease- I was thinking along the same lines as you to be honest

Fluffybunny- I like the idea of making jam tarts and going to a pantomime. I bet your DS has a lovely Christmas.

Thank you Hairytriangle- inviting them would be a win-win situation for all I think, provided XP can be civil.

Quiddity, I am sorry for your situation. Is there any way you could become closer to yur family? You don't have to answer if it's too personal.

Oliviasmama, that is a difficult situation. If you are 100% certain that your ex will ruin the day then no, I wouldn't allow him in. What do your inlaws think? What do your DCs want? There are ways and means of stopping him entering your property. Ask him if he would like to spend Christmas in the police cells .

quddity - me too.This year baby dd and me if others all go to xh's.But I wont even get any details re arrangements until the week before.

That's why I try to pretend it's not happening

Sorry if my earlier post was a bit rude.

lasy year ex husband had dd xmas eve, till about 3pm and then boxing day from 2.30pm for 2 nights.

He lives an hour away and said it was too much travelling.

This year hes having her boxing day morning for a few nights. Ill get xmas eve and xmas day.

Ive told him, that i refuse to give up xmas day. Xmas is my fav time of year and he hates it and is bar humbug. Come hell or high water i will not spend xmas day without my child.

He is welcome to xmas eve and boxing day though. ( though id rather have boxing day too)

He finally agreeded on the premisis that whes shes older she can chose. Never going to happen. Im really felixiable with him, i encourgane a relationship etc... just im not giving up xmas day.

Redderthanred- don't blame you, especially if he's not that into Christmas.

Pinemartina, I didn't think your earlier post was rude at all. Christmas can be a hard time for those without family as such. I'm sorry for you too, what plans have you got for this year?

I find it really difficult to read these threads, as my DSS's mother said exactly the same kind of things in court about DH - that he hated Christmas, didn't celebrate it, that she wanted it, she was the only person who could make Christmas magical for him, she'd be really upset etc etc. No mention of DSS and his rights to spend important days with his Dad and wider family, just a load of BS about DH (who adores Christmas) to justify getting her own way.

But even though I'm seeing things from the other side of the coin, as it were (and not suggesting anyone here is like my DH's ex) I do think inviting X's and/or their families into your home on Christmas Day is really, really risky. It's hard enough to get through Christmas with a houseful of your own family without screaming rows! Children pick up on tension and certainly until you can get on most of the time in a friendly and stress-free manner I wouldn't.

Also, from my experience, kids can have a magical day regardless of the date. My mum was a nurse when we were little and sometimes had to work a shift on the day, so we just celebrated on the eve, or even sometimes the day before. Christmas isn't just about one day, is it? It's a whole season of goodwill to all, even towards those people who don't celebrate in the same way, or indeed at all. It seems a shame that such a wonderful time of year causes so much tension and wrangling.

Now I think I'll climb out of the pulpit and have a glass of wine!

I think I'm kind of on the same wavelength as Tanga. It's a poor argument saying I like having Christmas day with the DC more than you therefore I should have them every Christmas. Clearly if such an arrangement suits the children and both parents then fine, but I try and share special occasions equally with my Ex. Therefore whatever arrangements are made one year I try and reverse it the next.

However it's best to be ultra specific about these things, otherwise you can end up like me one Christmas ... while slaving over Chirstmas Roast, the Ex calls round saying she's going to have the DCs now ... soul destroying sitting on your own on Christmas day after making Chirstmas roast dinner for yourself and 3 kids .

Currently the arrangements are Chirstmas School holidays are split first week (inc Christmas Day) with one parent, seconds week (inc New Years Day) with the other. And then flip the weeks over next year. Like Tanga said for me it's not the exact day that matters it's the being together. And so hopefully each year we both have equal time with the DC.

I will be inviting my mother and stepfather for Christmas eve or Boxing day. I don't drive and am rural so I can't see them on the day unless I invite them, which would be awkward with XP here. I will invite him as I do not want him to demand every other Christmas as "his", he is more likely to let me carry on having it if I let him come for the day as it's easier for him. His parents are in another country thankfully and my father and step mother live miles away.

Olivia, I would invite the horrible ex at a certain time so you know when he is coming and can limit it (make it late afternoon). Otherwise you'll be anxious all day.

Tanga, It's good to have a different perspective.

Whiteandnerdy, no-one is saying 'I like having Christmas day with the DC more than you therefore I should have them every Christmas'. If you read my op properly, I was saying what I would want ideally not what I think I am entitled to. I'm also looking at things from my boys' perspective not just me. And I wouldn't deliberately exclude XP and MIL provided he can behave. I'm sorry that you spent one Christmas on your own.

When I was a teenager and my parents divorced, we would have Christmas lunch with mum and Christmas late dinner with our dad. I remember the first Christmas in his undecorated flat. There was no wallpaper on the walls so my brother, sister and I drew christmas decorations all over his walls and a tree. Despite his aggression and abusive behaviour towards our mum as far back as we could remember, he was still our dad, I felt sorry for him.

Hmm, maybe I was reading too much into RedderThanRed's post?!? Maybe just reminds me of the Ex always asking me to have the kids on New Years Eve/New Years Day, with "You don't drink and you don't do that New Years Eve thing so you can have the kids." Mehh she's probably right, people tend to annoy me or just plain boring when they're drink.

I've spent a few Christmas Days alone, my parents passed away some years ago, Mehh don't feel too sorry for me, I just go for a walk and chill out. As I say I don't get too hung up about numbers on a calendar.

I think it was the fact that I could have been doing something with the DC instead of ignoring them and cooking a roast then having them all leave that got to me.

maybe i need to explain a little more so i dount sound like a nutter.

I have DD 12 out of 14 days. Plus hes in the army, so sometimes he doesnt even have those 2 days everyother week.

I make all the decisions, have all the responsibility, everything is down to me - all the time. Hes never taken her for an appt to doctors, or even to buy shoes/clothes.

Basically he takes her for 2 nights a week to play - and half the time i drive halfway to meet him.

Therefore, i will not give up the one day that means so much to me. Its almost my reward for the whole year. I have always loved christmas, he has never cared.

I am trying desperately not to think about Christmas.

My DCs and I have yet to settle into any kind of fixed routine for Christmas. My ex is too unreliable. What will probably happen is that DCs will spend Christmas day at home with me and see their mum either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

I don't get the "Christmas Day with the children is for me and me alone" thing. If I could rely on my ex to turn up sober when she says she will then we'd probably alternate Christmas. Sure, I'd miss my children on the day but there are another 364 days in the year.

What I want to avoid is agreeing with my ex that she'll have our children on Christmas day, me making alternative plans for the day to get me out of the house and then her letting them down by getting pissed.

It wouldn't surprise me if I end up spending the day with XH here tbh. Unless he goes to Wales to his family.

Or Scotland.

I think it depends on how the next few weeks go. He didn't leave for another woman. Oh no. Not him. He has no interest in her. I am now seeing someone though, so I am waiting to see if he suddenly develops magical feelings now that I am. Oh and her develop them too as she clearly had no interest in him.

It wouldn't bother me if he starts seeing someone, just not her iyswim.

Already DREADING christmas! So much I am thinking of spending my student loan on a holiday. My children barely see their Dad though I know he will be angry if we go away. There's also the matter of his mum who hasn't seen them since March, because she started behaving oddly & saying nasty things about me to the children. On previous years she has showered them with gifts. Don't know how she will cope without that ritual this year. She's made no attempt to contact me about the mediation I suggested but she refused. So its looking like a very different/ awkward festive season and the thought of it makes me feel sick.

like tanga /whiteandnerdy/snorbs - i dont see it as exclusive day - in fact exP has been too depressed/ill/dangerous to have them on the day, alst two years, but if this year he ok i really dont have a problem with them going - tho i know dd1 would comaplain...getting her to go see him is hard at beast of times. so would have to reacha deal for her sake...but would eb like any day really ("look go today then tomorrow you with me ok???")

but if i dont have them on the actual day, will do christmas another day. there is a lot of social /media presure on the day itself - it would not be a failure to take a lone walk, drop in on a church, go buy a pint of milk and chat to the muslim shopkeeper down the road or whatever...

If anyone out there has volunteered on christnas day to work in a homeless shelter or home for the elderly, I promise you, you will never see christmas again in the same light. It is honestly such a humbling experience, you will look at your own life, and your unhappiness or annoyance over things will pale against some of the difficulties and bleakness that other people have..

If anyone out there has volunteered on christnas day to work in a homeless shelter or home for the elderly, I promise you, you will never see christmas again in the same light. It is honestly such a humbling experience, you will look at your own life, and your unhappiness or annoyance over things will pale against some of the difficulties and bleakness that other people have..