Does anyone else feel lonely but not ready for a relationship? Ramble alert.....

[TheLifeOfRiley]

I left ex 8 months ago and have enjoyed it being just me and DS though sometimes I have thought it would be nice to be dating as I miss adult conversation. I signed up to POF but I deleted my profile yesterday as everytime a guy suggests we meet up I wobble and back out! Am I weird??

I guess I'm not ready yet and that's fine but I feel a little sad and worried as although I am comfortable being single I know I don't want to be on my own forever.

Other points weighing on my mind
- DS is autistic and I'm worried this will a) put guys off, and b) mean I just don't have the time or energy for anyone else.
- my mum has been on her own sinceshe split with mydad about 20yrs ago and she is desperately lonely and needy and I'm scared of turning into her
- horrid horrid ex is seeing someone new who is nice and normal and he is happy and I feel quite bitter about it as he treat me horribly and yet he is happy and dating again and I am stuck at home alone.

It's hard isn't it? You can make friends on dating websites too. Just be honest in your profile that you are looking for friendship right now. We all need adult company and conversation.

Do you have many friends? Do you do much for yourself?

Don't worry about your DS's Autism putting people off. You have to think, well, if he is put off by my son's Autism then he isn't right for me anyway so no loss there!

I firmly believe in Karma- try not worry about your ex, you are better off without him, he will get what he deserves eventually.

Have you tried single parent dating websites? Might be better than POF.

I do try to believe in Karma supercherry, I think that's why it's bothered me so much that he is dating someone nice - it's like he's got a reward rather than a punishment! I will keep waiting for Karma though.

Since we have split he has been desperately trying to find someone new and I feel this is because of his own shortcomings, he doesn't enjoy his wn comapny, likes someone to control, etc so really I know deep down he is not happy and I guess I need to remember that.

Yes maybe I should approach it from a friendship point of view rather than a dating point of view. I do have friends but they are all partnered up with kids too and I don't see a lot of them. I didn't know there were single parent websites, surely the women outnumber the men? I will google though and have a look.

I can empathise with you completely, TheLifeOfRiley. I split from my ex nearly three years ago, and have seen a couple of men casually, on and off, but am not ready for a 'proper' relationship. Sometimes I do feel intensely lonely, though, and worry about whether I'll be on my own for decades - and yet wonder if I'm even cut out for intimate relationships. And sometimes the thought of having a (even very nice) man in my house irritates me. Confused?! I am! :)

I don't know what the answer is, other than throwing yourself at life, your DS, and keeping busy with other things and your interests and the things that make you tick - make you who you are. And my friends are a rock to me. Connect with your friends and strengthen these relationships, even if not a romantic one at the moment.

My ex, who treated me abysmally, is also loved up with a new, seemingly lovely partner, and I feel resentful and confused to witness this. It isn't the karma I had hoped for, IYKWIM. So I can understand your frustration.

Encouragingly, although the men I've seen casually haven't been right for me relationship-wise (and I haven't felt ready), I can assure you that none of them was in any way put off by my having DS. In fact, I think they thought I was a lovely mum and this made me more attractive to them. So don't let that worry you at all. Anyone worth being with, when the time's right, will lovingly accept you and DS for the unit that you are.

I have had a bit of a fling with someone but it wouldn't have been appropriate long term, however it did give me a boost though as I realised how lacking my relationship with DS's dad was in many many ways and I am still good friends with flingbloke who I have known for 10yrs. I have nice female friends and my sisters. I think it doesn't help that I'm not working at the moment (ds's carer) and I think when I return to work I will feel more connected with the outside, adult world.

Froggins - I too often think that I couldn't bear to live with a man again, I do enjoy life with just me and DS - suiting ourselves and going off on adventures we have a great time together but I also get lonely too, I'm very conflicted!

Ladies hop over to the Relationship forum and look for a thread from yesterday called something like "Whats wrong with me I want to be single" or similar . It cheered me up enormously

Its Does Anyone Else Think They are Not Cut Out for A Relationship.

Seriously, take a look

Yup, raises hand.

OMG - I am normal then!!! I thought it was just me - all of the circumstances I can so identify with:

• Split with ex 4 months ago
• After 2 months he had found someone new and was going off on holiday - I've no doubt that she is lovely
• Tried to date, but anytime anyone shows interest I run for the hills
• As bad as it sounds, he didn't deserve to move on so quickly - 'boo' to karma
• I feel 'stuck' I want to move on, but can't
• Frightened that I will also end up like my Mum, lonely

I did the dating site thing but have now removed my profile, although I have made a very good cyber friend and have been totally honest, so might well meet up with him at some point on a friendship basis only..

What I have discovered is that just because he has moved on - and that's because he is a total f*wit (not bitter honest, just experience of him) and is able to jump from relationship without taking stock and learning lessons, then that's not for me. I think for all of us, we have some thinking to do and a recovery time, we're all frightened of being by ourselves, but realistically once we are ready then we will make our move.

When we are ready to trust again, not compare ...it could be years or months, but surely taking this time to consider what it is that we really need, will 'fingers crossed' make us make a wiser choice next time?

Now the only thing left is recognized when we are ready!!!

...sorry forgot to add..yes the lonliness is overwhelming sometimes

Antalya I have read lots of your posts and just want to say did you really think you might not be normal ? I dont know how long you were with your ex but 4 months is not long at all.

Men often jump straight into another relationship which is of course their choice but I agree that thinking and recovery time is essential in order not to rush into something and end up following the same paths and behaviours that may not have served us well last time around.

The stuck feeling you refer to is to be expected for a while especially if your relationship ending was not your choice.

My H left at Christmas and I am now feeling like I have found me again, I am not sure yet what to do with her but I know a man (no matter how great)would cloud this and stop this at times agonising but totally necessary journey.

Thanks getting easier I have been a bi self indulgent with my posts, and don't want to hijackthis one, I have some good days but also get very frustrated with myself, I've had a couple of long term relationships previously but have never struggled so much when they came to the end as this one.

The heartbreak although not nice I knew what was going on there - the absolute loneliness I hadn't expected.

It's heartening to know that you are beginning to feel like yourself again now - perhaps another few months will do it for me.

I think that the expectation from family/some friends is that I should be further along. I do hold down a busy job...and do function in everyday life, unlike at the beginning, but still have bad days and c an get tearful.

Having the support of MN though has been invaluable and reading through others posts. When I read through sojme of the posts here, that's when I feel actually I don't have some of things to hold me back from recovery, my children are older, I have no-contact/hassle wih my ex etc...I suppose that's where the not feeling normal was coming from

Do you ready to move on yet??

There isnt a richter scale of these things where if children are involved you get extra grieving time etc it is personal to you.

So me people either do or appear to bounce back immediately while others take a more Miss Haversham approach. I wonder if by pressurising yourself to be further down the line of emotional recovery you are making it harder to do so. I have found many of your posts thoughtful and reflective and you sound like you have good emotional intelligence.

In answer to do I feel ready to move on the answer is probably yes but I dont want a man in my life. I would refer you to thread I mentioned earlier. I dont really get lonely, certainly never as lonely as I felt in my marriage.

Thank you for that , I think that it was a major set-back when I found out that he had got involved in a full blown realtionship within weeks of our split..but you're right it is personal to us all, definatly puting to much pressure on myself and beginning to be able to focus on my feelings rather than his and what he is up to.

My exh became involved with ow shortly before leaving and I have no doubt that that made it much more painful than if he had just left and stayed by himself. Its human nature I think and perfectly natural .

On the plus side it made me accept our split more quickly rather than spending months wondering if he would come back.

Yes thats a great way forward to focus on your feelings and healing so you can get on with your life whether thats as a singleton or you meet someone. I realised I was wasting so much emotion and energy on him/him ow instead of myself. They certainly wouldnt have been giving me a second thought.

ohh I could have written this OP even down to the autistic ds and horrible ex finding lovely new girl - also agree with whoever said "he didn't deserve to move on and be happy"

watch this - it's very funny!
I'm at the "get really good at being alone" stage - and not really sure if I ever want to/will be able to come out of it

Yes, nearly 16 months after leaving ex, I feel lonely but also completely unready for another relationship. I miss sex, but can't get my idea around the idea of doing it with someone new. Gettingeasier, I am in fact Miss Haversham!

Being lonely is difficult but the answer isn't always found in a relationship.
My DH died over two years ago leaving me with no family back up and three kids who have autism, I needed to have time and space to reshape the future that we had planned, I needed time to grieve all the losses as did the kids.
16 months after Steve died I started seeing someone, I wasn't sure I was ready and I think I needed to try.
We were engaged by 6 weeks and are incredibly happy, he is fab with the kids who adore him, he talks to the kids about their dad, he really is a very special bloke, I hope you find someone just as special.

Nickname yes me too I just cannot imagine or face the idea of sex with someone different , lets hope one day nature takes over.

Also no being in a relationship doesnt solve loneliness as I said I was really lonely for the latter years of my marriage.

Only thats a happy post -thankyou

Glad it worked out for you, onlyjoking.

Gettingeasier, I think I'm regressing to 13 years old, when sex seems like such a weird thing to do with another person.

I have been on my own for 2 years now. DD is 17 months. I did think towards the end of last year that I was ready to date again and joined a website.. I communnicated with a few guys over email, and then realised I was sooo not ready to get involved... the thought actually terrified me and I couldn't get off the site quick enough!! I really just felt like I had nothing to give to anyone, emotionally or physically . However, I did keep in touch with one chap and explained that I could only offer friendship.. and he was cool with that. So we have regularly met for coffee etc over the last 10 months and we text most days just to chat. He has actually gone away on holiday this week and its not possible to keep in touch due to the nature of the hol - and I have discovered that I am missing him terribly.. its a strange feeling to have as we are not dating, but I am missing him like we are dating and looking forward to hearing from him when he is back... could I be ready to date again ??

RHG...could it be that this has been a slow buring thing..are you just missing him as a friend? Perhaps you're strenght is now back and you may well be ready to trust and dip your toe back in the water?? ..ohh I'm such an old romantic

LifeofRiley, i completely understand! I could also have written that headline.

my DC's dad and i split up over 4 years ago and although i've had a few short flings, i've been single now for nearly 2 years. i join dating sites for a week at a time, don't fancy anyone, feel embarrassed and feel even more unattractive and 'not worthy' and delete myself without meeting anyone-i do this quite often with good intention and then give up quickly.

most of the time i am ok, but tonight i am not. it was my DD's birthday, her dad didn't phone her but did send a card from himself and new family. i am sat here alone remembering her birth and how happy i was with no one to share it with. sure i'll get over it in the morning as will she, not getting a call. i was definately lonlier when we were together.

i often think it would be nice to meet someone, but worry about the time it would take me away from the DC [i work FT and feel like i hardly see them anyway!].

reckon i will be single for some time and ususally i don't mind. but tonight i do! thats the way it goes for me. it's so on and off.

onlyjoking, that is such a happy ending! Redhairedgirlie-yes you are ready!

Can relatee to what you said Lego about the on off thing.. one day it all feels OK being on our own, and then the next just feeling so lonely. I usually find I have all the nice airy fairy thoughts about being in a relationship (quite possibly now with missing text buddy).. and then the practical thoughts take over and the realisation that I would actually have to give my time to someone else on a regular basis - Perhaps I am not ready just yet to dip my toe in Antalya1.. I like the idea of doing it.. but the reality still scares me a little I think..

Sometimes I think that we can get stuck, perhaps very wary to get involved with anyone again for a whole host of reasons. I think that sometimes those are very healthy instincts and especially if the realtionship took alot of energy to maintain or even finish.

The healthest relationships are supposed to be the ones that ae built up over a period of time before falling bang straight back into a fully blown all-consuming realtionship - where even though there may be red flags galore - we can't see them because we are so in lust/love.

By the sounds of it this a frienship that has developed over time, it may be that this is all that it will ever be or even that you're not quite ready yet, the missing may well be the same just as you would miss any friend that you had regular contact with?? It's a gamble, as they all are, but it would be a shame if it was fear of the unknown that was holding you back...Ok and now you can tell me to shut up!!

I have been on my own now for just over 1 year, apart from a 2 month 'fling' which was more hassle than it was worth. However, I can clearly see now that the two more long-term relationships that I have had since my ex-husband and I broke up (8 years ago) were a huge mistake. I just threw myself in when I should have taken time out - they were both 'rebound' relationships which should never have gone any further than a couple of dates if that! Then, a few months ago, I started seeing this guy and he had just come out of a relationship so I did a lot of reading about 'rebound time' etc. He wasn't for me but it helped me realise where I had gone wrong and what I don't want to do going forward. Also, it made me take a long and hard look at the type of man I seem to end up dating only to then become very disappointed and frustrated.

Now, I haven't had a date in 4 months and I'm starting to think that getting asked out will be harder than I had anticipated - or being asked out by somebody nice! I have signed up for a couple of dating sites but I'm now starting to realise that guys just totally lack self-awareness - you should see some of the messages that I have received and what some of the guys are like!!!
Somebody who I haven known for a long time and who has offered to help me with various practical things on quite a few occasions mentioned the other day taking me out for a drink / meal / cinema but when I replied that it'd be nice I never heard back! And yes, I did only say that 'it would be nice' as opposed to asking for a copy of wages slip and bank account statement ;-)
Right now though, I am enjoying the eye-candy that I've got sitting next to me at work until the end of next week. He is just SOOOOOOO good-looking and friendly...:-) But I've told myself to not even get any ideas as a privately educated, London based, dashing young man like him would never be remotely interested in someone like me. So there you go: I am either on the strong side of realistic or I have a serious self-esteem problem which so far has driven me to go for someone who will never live up to expectations but has prevented me from going for someone who is more likely to make me happy - not necessarily this guy though!